I've been in a committed relationship for several years. In parallel, I've been back in contact with my ex for about a year – it escalated into mutual exchange of intimate photos. She never knew I had a girlfriend the entire time. I had blocked her on social media from the start so she'd think I wasn't using it anymore. She still kept reaching out via SMS or email. I wanted to end it multiple times but never followed through. The situation has now come to a head: She left her husband and wants to meet up and get back together. I don't want that – I never seriously pursued that from the beginning. Shortly after, I received this message from her:
"Word on the street is that you're renovating half of your grandparents' house with your girlfriend and moving in together. Apparently she's not exactly slim either. Gotta love living in a small town?"
The information most likely came through her cousin, who is loosely connected to my social circle. She now knows I have a girlfriend – but not who she is, and she can't know her. That's currently my only protective factor. She knows where I live and where my parents live. My specific questions:
How do I end this for good without angering her enough to escalate? How do I prevent her from showing up at my place or my family's? How do I prevent her from contacting people in my circle and letting things leak out? How do I protect my girlfriend from finding out?
I'm aware this situation is my own fault – still looking for the most realistic way out.
First-light 2 1w ago
Unless the ex is a very understanding woman and you not at all jealous (the "not exactly slim" comment suggests not) I don't think there is anything you can really do proactively that is not itself a risk. Its more about what you don't do and how you react to anything.
If you squirm, the ex will be more inclined to stamp on you. Take the outward approach of feet together and accept the landing. Don't act ashamed or afraid whatever you do. A woman hates the idea you are ashamed of liking her.
Don't beg, don't blackmail or threaten. Just hope it will pass. Try to do nothing. If the ex presses you say; well you can't help still having a thing for her. Sorry but feelings don't just vanish when they were genuine. Its a compliment and women like compliments and like having reserve guys. That security might buy her off but you never write anything so crazy and you never say it if she might be recording you. In fact you put nothing in writing to her about what you have been doing. Call her if you need to (and only if you really need to) and get the job done in one. She is unlikely to record the first call, even if later she wants evidence.
You need good responses if this comes out. Deny where there is any doubt. If cornered by facts and evidence make a full confession (not a partial one where more evidence could show you up for being a liar yet again You only get once change to change your mind and confess and be accepted as honourable). Own up straight that you did wrong. You won't do it again. You are sorry. Then carry on like normal. Do not crawl.
This could well blow over, if you can avoid a jealous woman smelling blood. It just might be saved if the ex doesn't want you to just vanish on her and likes it that you still have a thing for her. You stop all suggestive contact but in the time taken for her to realise that she isn't getting anywhere the whole thing goes cold.
Leading the ex on to think she could have a current relationship with you would be be very dangerous. Then you could get into far hotter water. Railing her to keep her quiet would be a ticket straight to chaos. If she does press that she wants you back, explain that you still want her, of course you do but you also let yourself get carried away as you are in a current relationship. How could the ex respect you if she knew you were unfaithful to the present one? No you have to play this hand out. Sorry for sliding back into your feelings for her and getting carried away. It would have been different if you were both single.
In these things the woman you live with will almost always win if she wants to win. She has the advantage of possessing the territory. If she relaxes and sees this, your girlfriend may settle down about it. You come home to her. You just messed up but you had already stopped before she found out, not after.
joematazz123 1w ago
Thanks for the advice. I'll try to let things go cold and not do anything proactive.
Also worth noting: I told her multiple times throughout that year that I didn't want a relationship again because of our history together. So it wasn't like I was stringing her along with false hope of something serious.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago Stickied
Did I read correctly that your ex had a husband this whole time as well? You were both cheating?
joematazz123 1w ago Stickied
To clarify on the ex situation: she and her husband had apparently not been together properly for a while and were already living separately – though technically still married.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
I'm only asking before I comment because she sounds like she has no room to talk herself
I'll comment later today when I have time
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 6d ago
The "other woman" can be the biggest hypocrite in the world, but still fuck up the man's life by exposing him.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 6d ago
Right, it doesn't matter if she is in the wrong I just wanted context in case it mattered even a bit
No-Stress-Cat 1 1w ago
Didn't your Red Pill Brothers ever teach you to not dig through the trash?
joematazz123 1w ago
I just wanted to look, not touch.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1w ago
You need to treat your digital exchanges like cold hard touching
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1w ago
Don't do things unless you're prepared to face the consequences of those actions.
Brace yourself to take the L.
joematazz123 2d ago
I will fight smartly, not taking the L yet.
mattyanon Admin 2d ago
This should tick most of the boxes for closure without rejection:
"Yeah, things are starting to work out with her. And for the record she isn't that fat ;) I really value the connection you and I had, which I know makes no sense... but the heart wants what the heart wants. Or maybe other parts ;) How about you, seeing anybody?"
unlikely unless she is a stalker.
if she IS a stalker or shows those tendencies you have to completely cut her off and not respond or react to anything she says or does, ever. Zero contact.
Most normal women won't go all stalkery. Mostly.
You cannot fully protect yourself from this: you did a thing, someone else knows, and you are now vulnerable to her sharing this if she chooses to. You cannot fully control this.
Be nice and honest and good to this girl unless she shows stalker tendencies.
joematazz123 2d ago
Great advice, thank you man!