Hi, I (38M) lost my programming job (due to a manic period because I'm bipolar) and now I'm drowning in $100 000 in debts (due to former gambling addict). I have no other choice than to apply for debt settlement with The Swedish Enforcement Authority ("Kronofogden") and will have to live on bare minimum living wage for the next 5 years (accommodation paid and $620 for living expenses). My expenses will rougly be:
Housing (rent + electricity + internet): $1140
Food & groceries: $200
Transport (subway card): $100
Fitness & health (Gym membership): $30
Mobile & subscriptions: $40
Miscellaneous / entertainment: ~$250
Total: $1760
I'm a programmer so I earn quite well (~$4000 a month) but The Swedish Enforcement Authority will take anything above $1760 from my salary and put it into debt payments. My hobbies are krav maga, social dancing (WCS), gym and I'm learning to make music with Ableton (with hopes of becoming a music producer one day). My dating life right now is pretty bad, though I can get dates from Tinder (I have quite good facial looks - I'm probably a 6.5 - 7). I'm a bit overweight (178 cm/5'10, 92kg/202lbs, BMI 29) so if I got in shape I'd probably get more dates. I've just started learning daygaming (with the help of Nick Krauser's book) but no luck there yet.
As you can see I will only have ~$250 a month for "fun activities". Is this enough for dating? What should be my focus these upcoming 5 years? Just getting hookups through Tinder/daygame because a relationship is more costly? Or find a frugal girlfriend who is happy with just Netflix dates? I want children one day, but not until my debts are paid, so not until I'm probably at least 43. What are your thoughts?
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
yes
relationships are cheap, initial dating is more costly.
You can date just fine if you have enough money for transport and a few drinks.
Look great, you'll be fine. If she wants to fuck you, she doesn't need your money.
MrSupreme 1mo ago
Cheap hookers until you recover.Love can wait, have fun.
Lone_Ranger 3 1mo ago
You want to know about 'dating' what in the fucked up simp world shit is this?
First-light 2 1mo ago
This sounds like a blessing in disguise because you have been living very expensively beyond your means and this is an opportunity to explore another side to life. This sounds like my fun budget for a couple of months, not that I don't have some savings but I live frugally from a low income and aside from getting moaned at by her indoors I am perfectly happy with it.
You are going to be able to vet out the gold diggers anyway.
Seek out women who are interested in stuff that is pretty much free -art, literature, making music, the outdoors, nature, getting fit, that sort of stuff. Its just an opportunity to do things differently. Probably will be less easy sluts available, less alcohol to make sluts easier but it could be very interesting looking at life a bit slower. Just doing the hobbies will put you in contact with the women.
I gather your country is one of the worst for cash work. You still might get some cash work? I gather you have to explain why you are withdrawing cash from a bank in Sweden if you want to pay someone? A client of mine told me that his builder told him to tell the bank that he wanted to withdraw the cash for "gambling and whoring" The client (a respectable doctor) actually went through with it and said these words to the cashier. Apparently it shut the lady at the bank up straight away!
MeMyselfAndMyBeard 1mo ago
Thank you. I will try to focus on the women who are more frugal. I've met some girls from social dancing and they're usually not that money fixed, but the dancing community is quite small so not that common with new girls (rotation is bad). I don't drink alcohol. I've never done cash in hand-job (if that's what you meant) but I consider it now. I don't want to get caught though by the authorities!
First-light 2 1mo ago
I think the biggest secret to cash in hand is to never ask for it.
If the customer offers, treat it as all the same -like you will have to declare it anyway, so there is no reduction for it.
Know your customer before you do not declare any of it. That means knowing his job and his wife's job and his children's jobs at the very least.
No paperwork must follow a cash job unless it is all to be declared. If pretty sure but not completely sure, declare half. If there is no paperwork it would probably be easy to prove you did the work but harder to prove the actual sum paid.
People may try to set you up. Like people who actually work for the tax authorities and people who work for big companies and the government who could never take advantage of cash work and so will never want anyone else to. I also recall one nasty piece of work female customer of mine who used to always pay cash and then the moment she found fault with a tradesman, she would report him for taking cash. She seemed to find fault with them all, so I knew it would be me one day. I used to joke about it. Sure enough one day I made the "huge sin" of working for her neighbour (who she hated) and it was my turn. She called me up to tell me that she had reported me and I just laughed at her. "But I always declare my cash, did you imagine I would be stupid enough to break the law?"
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1mo ago
I got pussy easily when I had little to no money. Just get muscles and be fun/charming.
And house parties. Any house party you get invited to, go.
With how worried you seem about this, my guess is that you've been leading with your wallet all these years. Have you read the sidebar?
MeMyselfAndMyBeard 1mo ago
I've spent the last 6 years building a programming career and the last 2 years I earnt quite well ($6000 a month net) and yes, I was leading with my wallet when it came to dating unfortunately. I am bipolar so sometimes I get in manic periods where I spend a lot of money on all sorts of ways. I'm on medication now so hopefully that will help my spending habits. I've read the sidebar and know about getting fit for women, that's why I do krav maga and do gym.
Musicgoon78 3 1mo ago
I have no money is a defeatist cope. You don't need money to get dates, you simply need to find fun things to do and talk to people.
I can get dates while being broke. You pay with your time and attention.
MeMyselfAndMyBeard 1mo ago
Thank you, I will focus on daygame, get a funnier personality (I'm INFJ-A) and getting fit from now on.
Overkill_Engine Endorsed Contributor 1mo ago
Provisioner game just rings the dinner bell for Meal Whores that try to pretend they aren't meal whores.so that they can dine and dash to go fuck the guy they are actually wet for instead of you.
Now you'll have to figure out how to be interesting without spending at lot of money on a venue. You seem to have an inkling of the need to, but I am obligated to strongly suggest that one of the top things that you do is get really into shape; because a dirty little secret is that women are actually far more shallow than men. They just happen to also be way more materialistic too, thus all the covert whoring.
And when you have a fit body, all of a sudden even your lamer jokes are the height of humor and sophistication to women. It won't totally paper over your need for a personality, but it'll act as one hell of a multiplier.
And you don't have to spend a fuck ton of money on equipment to get in decent shape. Even exercises that only utilize your own body weight and gravity will be effective with proper diet and discipline. Great news! You don't have spare money to spend on junk food now too.
MeMyselfAndMyBeard 1mo ago
Thank you, I will focus on daygame, get a funnier personality (I'm INFJ-A) and getting fit from now on.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1mo ago
This is the second reply of yours I've seen that in.
1) don't look at it as changing your personality, because you really aren't. Look at it as developing a skill. When you learned how to drive, that didn't change who you are. Same with learning to be charming.
2) Meyers-Briggs has its uses, but don't let your 4-letter type become your identity or a box into which you restrict yourself. I waivered between INTJ and ISTJ, with strong scores in introversion, but I still know how to win a room. Don't restrict yourself based on something only slightly more useful than horoscopes. That, and the administrators of that stuff changed some things around several years back when they noticed that men usually got T over F, and women usually got F over T. Evidence that men and women are different?! We can't have that!
2a) Out of curiosity, I'm not familiar with the "-A" addition. What's that?
2b) if you're curious, we've had some decent discussions about that on the trp.red side of the site over the years, and I especially recommend this reply from @lurkerhasarisen
MeMyselfAndMyBeard 1mo ago
1 and 2: I have an introverted nature with a career in programming. I get tired from meeting people, I have friends that I enjoy meeting but after some hours I want to get home and be alone. I've tried to do Toastmasters and improv theatre to become more social and it was funny but I don't do it right now. I've had most success meeting women at social dancing but as I said earlier it's a quite closed community with not much variation, that's why I'm trying daygame now.
2a) ChatGPT answer: In INFJ-A, the “A” stands for Assertive.
It comes from the 5-trait version of MBTI used by tests like 16Personalities, which adds an extra dimension to the classic four-letter type.
So:
INFJ = Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging
A = Assertive (vs. T = Turbulent)
What “Assertive” Means
An INFJ-A (Assertive Advocate) tends to:
Be more self-confident
Worry less about mistakes
Handle stress more calmly
Be less self-doubting
Recover faster from setbacks
They still have typical INFJ traits (idealistic, intuitive, future-focused), but they’re generally more emotionally stable than INFJ-T types.
The original MBTI system (based on Carl Jung’s psychological types) does not include A/T. That addition comes from newer personality models influenced by Big Five emotional stability.
2b) Thank you :)