I have a girlfriend but I have kissed and slept with another women. This happened in December.
When we had sex and kissed there was some mention of my girlfriend.
- throughout the night when we touch lips, she pulled back and said I had a girlfriend we can’t do this. (I didn’t say anything).
- we started making out she pulled back and said she can’t do this to my girlfriend (I said it’s my problem to fix) after kissing more she said “no more. You love your girlfriend and you can work it out” (I replied I just want you). she said she can’t be the 2nd women.
- I can’t remember much after but we kissed and then had sex at her place).
Anyway a month later we are going out again for a date. She knows I have a girlfriend and still is going on a date with me but what do I say when she mentions it?
My thoughts
- tell her I’m on a break with my gf but as she still living with me until she finds a new place? just tell her the truth.
- That I have a girlfriend but I don’t feel romantic feelings but can’t let her go right now as she dependent financially on me as she works part time.
- just lie and hope for the best and say I’ve broken up with her.
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
Urgh, I hate it when women insist on a step backwards.
You're going from sex to "going on a date".
She has three possibilities that I see:
Err...
Look.... you don't need to lie.
Tell the truth, but phrase it well.
"I am polyamorous. At heart I just can't be with one person. I care for my girlfriend but the only way we can be together is if I see other women".
SwarmShawarma 1mo ago
Nice. Women - generally - eat this shit like raisins.
@Wartortle
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
I have to ask you, is this the same woman you were originally going to marry?
[deleted]
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Oh okay, I didn't think so but didn't realize you moved so fast with someone else
Why are you fucking another chick with a girlfriend? Is this an open relationship or cheating or what?
Unclear what a "break" means to you and your gf
[deleted]
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
I'll read the other post again but I would break this off
Find a way to get her to live somewhere else this is a shit show . You probably should have spun plates fresh out of a failed engagement than get a new girlfriend
Letting a non engaged partner live with you was also a basic blunder
This is why you don't let women live with you, now you have to get her out of your house
Also, you're welcome, glad you benefited from my help and others
[deleted]
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Your options are:
1 Play it off
2 Explain
She obviously doesn't give a shit so play it off. But also never ltr the chick who doesn't care that you were in a relationship
Recreational use only
First-light 2 1mo ago
That final sentence of yours seems a bit blanket to me. Yes absolutely if she doesn't give a shit, she is recreational only 100%. If a woman doesn't want to be yours, not a side thing, she is only thinking recreational herself. But this girl does sound bothered about it.
Women are not as strong as men and they are also drawn sometimes somewhat helplessly to strength. They can seriously fall for men who have other women. Its why polygamy works as a system. A woman can respect and love a man who has another woman, while a man is basically just weak and desperate if he agrees to live in a polyamorous relationship with a woman who has another man. He can't even respect himself and he certainly can't respect her, coming to him, wanting his care while she is full of another man's seed.
If the girl seriously wants the guy, if she is conflicted and wishes the guy would set her free from this inner conflict by standing up and claiming her, then I think LTR is not off the table. Women can just fall with complete sincerity for men who are unavailable. My present lady fell for me while I was with another woman. I kept her in hiding for 6 years. We have been together for 14 years now. Infidelity and a lack of seriousness have not been problems she has ever shown. I still get almost daily moaned at for not marrying her (while I thank god just as often that I never gave in). Her intentions were always serious.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
I can understand your point but OP isn't even remotely ready for the nuance of this situation to let this woman be anything else
Especially given what happened before this
This man needs to go spin plates and figure his shit out
SwarmShawarma 1mo ago
He needs to avoid prison, pregnancy and signing papers. Other problems will get him more exp faster.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago
Agree to disagree, he needs to spin plates, not get into complicated cheating entanglements when a woman is living in his house, which can very easily become civil court disputes
SwarmShawarma 1mo ago
As you say. Anything leading to the court proceedings would fall under signing papers, Big Daddy is doing it for him.
I would encourage living with a woman in the same home if the upper limit could be set. Say she comes for a Christmas break, Holiday Break. Conversation on record.
& don't get killed or crippled ofc
PCPPK
Musicgoon78 3 1mo ago
"It's complicated. Let's just enjoy our time".
Say this and keep moving forward. She wouldn't see you again if she wasn't feeling it.+
Wartortle 1mo ago
She is feeling it for sure.
I just know at some point like the first time she will bring it up.
Your answer is great. Short and simple. But it’s vague so won’t she ask more questions?
No-Stress-Cat 1mo ago
"Girlfriend" is a status subject to change without notice.
First-light 2 1mo ago
You need to remain firm here but also light hearted. This is going to bother her and may eventually become a stopper on things but things will run a lot longer if you don't get drawn in.
Its very tempting to say how your relationship with your girlfriend is bad. Unless you really are breaking up with her, don't say so because it just makes you look weak and desperate. "I am not sleeping with my girlfriend so I want to sleep with you" is not really that sexy. Its not abundance, its making her a second choice, while someone else has the benefit of living with you. It removes part of the preselection element and says you are just a big beta for a woman who doesn't even put out and you are also too weak to stand up and take ownership of your relationship with the second girl.
If you really are certainly going to break up with the girlfriend and she really is just living with you till she finds another place its fine to say so. This can come with an offer to make the girl living with you aware of the new relationship. But if you are not ready to do that, don't lie. In the end lying eventually gets you caught out (like when you don't break up with the first girl after all) and then what have you proved to the second girl? -that you are a liar and a cheat and still want to fuck her on the side while hiding her away and lying to her (its not a great offer really when what she probably most wants is a relationship with you).
Music goon has good advice here. Try to hold to it but you will find it hard. She will try to get you to answer. Try to deflect back to how much you want her. That is why you are doing this. She is someone you can't say no to having in your life.
One final thought -if you find you do like the new girl more, just do it and break off with the old one. The strain of running about cheating having two real relationships (not a relationship and casual stuff on the side or an official polygamous relationship) really takes a toll on a man over time. If you like the second girl more don't keep the first. You are losing the easy good times at the start of a relationship that bond a man and a woman and making them all less than perfect. It will affect the relationship you have with the second girl and if its good with her, don't lose that.
[deleted]
First-light 2 1mo ago
It depends on your time horizon. Telling her something like this is the easiest way to get into her bed in the short term. It will make trouble for you in the long term. If you only want to have sex with her a few more times it will work but if she has genuinely fallen for you, it will lead to bitterness and worst case a rumour that could follow you.
Women want (but do not always deserve) a stand up guy. A man who says what he means and means what he says. This very much helps allay their natural neurotic tendencies and their fear at being weak in the face of the world. Their have their stand up guy to protect and help them. They have an instinctive craving for this in LTRs and they will often do a lot of hamstering to try to make themselves believe in a guy at the start of a relationship. If he then turns out not to be this sort of guy, they are very bitter (to some extent at themselves but it comes out as mega bitch ex).
If you teach her that she can't believe in you (because the girlfriend does not move out like you said she would), you will at best make her very insecure and less willing to invest in you. If you then try to make excuses for the failure of the girl to move, you look weak -its your house and you are a pussy whipped beta in it to a woman you say you have no relationship with -what a weak loser!
For an LTR to work out, she has to believe in you. You can only play someone so long till you trip up or facts just come out.
She will keep pushing for an answer. You can deflect as much as possible short term while working to deepen the attachment she feels but she will need an answer in the medium term. Short term you can try a sweep her away sort of approach. Take her out, get her excited, get kissing and making out till she cant stop, take her to bed and focus on her pleasure and you can probably deflect the question with the sort of thing Music goon and I said for a few times while she gets deeper into you but you will not eventually avoid a quiet moment when she asks and keeps asking..
If you really like her, my advice is don't teach her you can be a let down, a lair and a cheat. It may be possible for her to hamster you cheating on your girlfriend as being because you love her so much but don't then also cheat on your mistress or you really are just a cheat not a great man that she met at a difficult time in his life. You can end up running yourself silly and risking both girls stopping believing in you.
This is all advice for someone who is looking to retain the girl because he really likes her. It could of course be that you need to get over your breakup with running a few plates. If so, you really need to ditch the live in girl, who is clearly not enough for you any which way.