Giving advice is an important skill as a man and I feel I am not good at it. My best friend for 30 years needs some advice but he isn't listening to me, I feel a bit lost/ helpless as a man/ friend and would love some advice on how to give advice.
I think it all started 2 years ago when his group of friends started getting married and at the same time he broke up with his ex-girlfriend and got rejected by a mutual friend.
Since then, whenever we go out for a social event he gets absolutely smashed/drug fucked and makes an idiot of himself to the point I have to take him home early. Any event he gets paralytic - weddings, birthdays, festivals, a casual catch up for drinks.
For example, today I get a random call from a mutual friend asking me to come pick him up just after midday from a cheese and wine festival because he was paralytic at 3pm.
No matter what he doesn't listen to anyone. He apologizes, says it won't happen again, then does it again. Everyone has tried talking to him telling him they are concerned, his parents, his siblings, other friends but he just doesn't care.
He is 36 and is too old to be acting like this - I'm a little bit concerned there is something deeper going on. I try having a chat asking why he act like this all the time, if he is depressed, happy with life and he just brushes me off tells me he is fine he is just trying to have some fun.
No-one can argue with him either because he doesn't touch alcohol during the week, sometimes for weeks at a time. In-between his binging he is an amazing friend, doesn't touch alcohol/drugs, he is extremely healthy with his foods, gym twice per day, has an extremely good job and is a high performer.
I'm getting concerned seeing him act like this and no taking any-ones advice. I feel like I am letting him down as a friend/ as a man and don't know what to do.
Any advice would be helpful.
Solezhtyn 2w ago
I had a similar situation with a friend. Great guy sober, smart and caring. He started drinking heavily and lost his entire friend group due to his constant shenanigans, arguments, fights, pissing himself, etc. It kept getting worse so me and his other best friend tried to do an intervention. He just chugged beers the whole time while denying he had a problem. It got worse, to the point we couldn’t hang out with him, and had to also drop him. We even got his dad involved at some point as a last ditch effort, which didnt help at all.
Theres not much you can do. The only thing might be looking for professional assistance.
RegisterSignIn 3w ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDw66SbD9e8
Jackmoter 3w ago
You cannot change other people and trying to do so will only cause you exponential disappointment.
You can either cut off deadweight, or from a source of altruism show your friend Unconditional Positive Regard. No matter how many times he fucks up, listen non judgmentally and empathise with him. Offer nothing but love. Maybe one day he will ask you for advice - be ready for that day, but do not overstep a moment sooner. Do you research on quitting addictions and be ready.
What I am describing requires you to sacrifice your ego who wants to speak all the time and wants to be right all the time. It's not for everyone. Don't bother making the guys life even worse if you aren't up to the task.
Durek_The_Bald 3w ago
Maybe. But not giving unsolicited advice is an important skill too.
You're not. Can't help people who don't want to help themselves. You've let him know, and that's all you can do until he actually comes to you for advice.
If you have a habit of guilt tripping yourself over stuff that's not your responsibility, I suggest you read both 'No More Mr. Nice Guy', and 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty'.
Kloi 3w ago
This is a life lesson many people, including myself has to relearn almost every other year. Be it women, friends, family, sometimes all you really can do is be there for them when they hit rock bottom and only if they're willing to pick themselves back up.
Rock bottom is different for everyone. Most people won't change or adress the issues even after multiple wake up calls.
Kloi 3w ago
You can't. No one is going to change, even if they recognize the problem, until they are willing to put in the effort themselves. This goes for anything but especially drug abuse.
More specifically your friend is a high functioning drug abuser, he can rationalize away it as being an issue because he checks the boxes in so many other areas.
You're not fooled though, anyone who consumes intoxicants in that manner is hiding from something inside of themselves. Best you can do is quit inviting him out if he's going to be drinking.
One of these nights he is going to get in a world of trouble. Hurting himself or someone else.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 3w ago
I second what @Durek_The_Bald and @Kloi both said.
I'm sure you've heard the cliched phrase "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". It applies to your situation. You can't make someone change, no matter how good it would be for them. They have to decide on their own that it's what they want.
I also strongly second the book recommendations.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3w ago
1) in AskTRP you need to try to answer your own question in the post, as part of the the new rules
2) this has nothing to do with TheRedPill and is off topic and shouldn't be asked here
bluepilldoctor 3w ago
apologies will remove q
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3w ago
You don't have to. I am restoring it anyway
Just know it's off topic and belongs in the hub on TRP.red
MrSupreme 3w ago
This isn't redpill, All you can do to change the dynamic is remove your assistance, tell him if he is gonna get piss drunk,then he is not getting a ride,not getting invited and you're not gonna be responsible for him. Im 36 too, snd i think getting that kind of wasted is kinda childish,you cross the line when you become someone else's problem. Gotta hold your substances,keep control and take care of yourself.
It's what I do since I'm not part of any group of friends or "crew".
Wintergreen Didn't Read Sidebar (confirmed) 3w ago
Unfortunately this reminds me of myself.
I chose to quit alcohol for the most part but I did drink once recently. What I did on that day was ONLY drink if someone offered me a drink.
I counted the drinks and it was 7 drinks. Which means the person offering had 7 or more.
Personally I enjoyed it a lot more than normal. Normally I would have gotten another one or two drinks in at minimum and then binged a bit more and got really drunk.
I honestly think getting “drunk” should be something that only freshly-21-year-olds should do. Getting a buzz that you maintain is so much better.
Alcohol is a poison. It does enhance some occasions but you can get fucked up and feel like shit and make a fool of yourself.