I introduced a plate into the swing dance, social dance community, but as time went on, I saw that she had developed a jealous streak. She had danced in the past, but not with the same degree of enthusiasm as me, I've been working on partner dancing for years.
Long story short, I just had to drop her. She's still active in the community, and it sort of bugs me sometimes because I can't even get a peace of mind if I want to go social dancing. After some trying moments during which she said some ugly things about me in the community, spreading slander and the like. She resumed as a sort of distant orbit FWB after a time.
Now, she even tells me about her dates or interactions with other men because we have gone back and forth so much. And the things that I'm learning seems to be pretty useful as I also continue to grow in these communities. We ultimately came to the conclusion that her only objective was to just find the one and only, lifelong, committed relationship.
She is someone I brought to this kind of distinct community, and she seems to still be there and desire to be different, so I'm in anyway happy for her. These communities though, can be notorious for hook-ups or relationships not lasting. For me, I like my community enough to not shit in it. Nevertheless, I may simply also be suffering from oneitis and scarcity.
Yet over the months, despite the fact that guys kept pursuing her, she always declined. Although she has met some men who she is super close to considering, I am curious about how she will act when she ultimately makes her next connection and a lay. Background of her, 5 years without sex and I was her first one after all those years, she's moderately attractive. And she's not the hook-up type, or is she?
Despite her discussing her relationships with other men & our now-incognito casual lays. While some have explored relationships in this community, I haven't done so because I know what to expect. We remain in touch despite the fact that she has grown to accept my casual dances of other women here.
However, I'm also curious to see if she'll maintain her pledge to cut off communication once she had her first lay. I'll use a post I read here that says, "as long as she practices safe sex, I wouldn't really care and shouldn't," as my own example of this perplexity. We shouldn't really care, but do we though? Is this mentally healthy for us?
FYI I'm not really deep in the poly community either. I just like my hobby with a great passion but it perplexes me that my exes or other plates are in it, probably a wrong choice for me to introduce them to it.
What psychological reasons do guys have for not caring or even wanting to share their main or plate with other men? What do you think is my case? And how should I navigate moving forward? If she actually stays true, I'd occasionally see her with her new man. Not a big deal, but if she sticks to me casualness, is this just more compllications?
hatefatwomen23 1y ago
If you think an attractive girl goes 5 years without sex, and you were her first one after all those years, I have some bad news for you.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Men are repulsed by promiscuous women because they risk not allowing us to pass on our DNA. Men mate-guard to keep other men's DNA out of their mate. Pretty simple.
melosgallium 1y ago
What do you mean by mate guard? Why are some men completely cool with sharing their plates or mains also?
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Are they cool with it or have they just suppressed their own instincts?
melosgallium 1y ago
Main instincts of?
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Men instinctually mate-guard after mating. It's an evolved instinct.
melosgallium 1y ago
Yes but some men don't really care and actually like it when their plate or main gets pleasured by someone else. Maybe the question can also be if they liked the idea of them actually pleasuring another person as well as getting pleasured
whytehorse2021 1y ago
I think that's a myth. Stirling Cooper did a show where he talked about this as he frequently was the guy pleasuring someone else's woman and the other man's face would go white. It's something you can train yourself to overcome but it doesn't come natural. Most guys just do it because they are betas and don't want to lose their oneitis.
melosgallium 1y ago
If they don't have oneitis though? I've known men who has plates, main plates, and they even share their main plates because it turns them on, as long as they come back and if they don't, who cares. It's almost also sort of a power play that they get off of.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Sounds like a very niche thing.
melosgallium 1y ago
TL;DR - What psych factors contribute to men's lack of concern sharing their main or plate with other men? And in my situation with a community known for hook-ups
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
I'm balls deep in the same community as you
It bothers me when girls I fuck want to fuck other guys. The reason I tell them I don't care what they do though is because I had an exclusive FWB that I introduced to the community and she consistently acted in a way that didn't seem exclusive
I don't think she was fucking anyone else. I'll never know for sure, but my being exclusive to her kept destroying opportunities I had. And the more I kept seeing her the more unsatisfied I was getting.
I fucked another girl there to break my exclusivity with her, I told her, we broke off what we had, we had that rule.
The girl I fucked to get away from her with, I told her she could go play the field and I wouldn't care. Long story, short, the only reason it bothered me when she did was because it was very in my face (she made out with him very pornographically in front of me. And then lied about going home with him another night and kept leaving me for him every night he was there.
He was also 3 SMV points below me not an exaggeration. So it bothered me that that's what she preferred.
So I guess to answer your question, guys can be mentally okay with it because they themselves just want to be free. It's not that we don't care a girl we're seeing is getting railed, it's that we don't want to be locked down.
But like with new plate I couldn't stand being lied to when she made a show of it in front of me. Had she just admitted she was fucking him I would have been bothered by it but at the same time would have just slayed other women in front of her. I was bothered by her lying because I wasn't willing to do that in front of her but in hindsight I should have
Or at least that's me. In the case of that exclusive FWB, I don't think I could have had a kind of relationship where we both fucked other people. So it's not across the board. I definitely could not do that with some girls, it would drive me insane with certain girls
melosgallium 1y ago
Sharing the social dance community and their inner workings is an entirely big topic on its own, I might write something about my experiences. I think it's a very complicated and overlooked community that even TRP will find a bit interesting.
The women you explained sound really toxic and ought to have been kept as one-night FWBs alone. The strangest thing about these kinds of communities is the variety of people you find there. If you're good enough at your swing steps or talented enough, even if you have average or below average looks, you'll atleast get noticed. I'm not sure about the whole hook-up scene yet, but I do know that many older women and single mothers frequent these, and that they're unquestionably simpler. Some are not. As the case with my ex partner/plate. I really just wanted her to be a plate. It just didn't feel well with her and our situations were becoming different but oddly enough, she found someone in the community.
Avoidant to getting locked down might be the answer I was looking for. Until you find someone whose perfect right? But then again, in this community and just like the rest, there are bigger fish and it's hubris because above all else, it's still partner dancing. People flirt to any extent. Yes there are couples who stay in the scene and dance around and they're very bonded together but I think that's unique or that they worked in the field.
I think the issue here is that if we don't have any other plates on hand, it becomes mentally exhausting and draining. Because they have the luxury and options, even not knowing how to dance well, they will still have a lot of abundance. And this is what kills us. They just have to be decent looking and not unhealthy.
In my situation, I think it's perplexing me because it sounds like she's truly a "loyal" woman. And she seems to be, just that this new community is just very different and it's hypocritical of her to be in it when she despised the surface hook-up culture of it. She even made friends with people who are in it, which just sounds annoying because for me, these dancers are at most, just acquaintances. Maybe a part of me wants to see her get tested, will she truly just shut it all down and me after she gets laid? I will be happier if she bugs off with her new found person and leave the community alone, at the same time, we're all just sharing each other to a certain degree and I wouldn't doubt the circle of network she's made overlaps mine, and even probably reaches you. This community can be super niche. I probably even know the guy's friends she's seeing.
My question about all this is that will she truly leave? Guess time will tell. I think for you, just keeping the faucet running will be good for your mental health. At the same time, it's also good to sit down and re-asses. It truly does suck when you're a bit more passionate about the craft itself yet you'll see the women going in it for the long-term relationships and the sex.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
After being in the scene for two years nearly all of the girls there are whores that will get home with the right guy.
I used to give them the benefit of the doubt but they are pretty much all getting laid. Some of the really good Christian girls there will get their sexual tension out on the dance floor but if there is a girl there you can bet she's hooking up with guys there. Even if it's on the down low.
Yes, both women were toxic, the one that lied to me was a single mom. I actually resisted her advances for two months and I had a chance to fuck her before I even first hooked up with the FWB but I didn't take it cause my warning bells prevented me from letting her fuck me (for good reason, in hindsight)
Yes, I actually learned not to shit where I eat there. I just want to go for randoms now, the kind of girls that come from across the street at the "club-like" places that are straight clubs.
They will hop from there to my venue and they're not regulars. They're easier to fuck than regulars and don't bring the same chaos and baggage that regulars do when you get involved with them
Yes I have seen some relationships form out of these places but often times they are dysfunctional and plagued by insecurity and jealousy because you will see your girl having a good time dancing with another man.
I've seen some of these last for a year and still going but at the same time I question them. I think a lot of them are settles and not preferred partners, or they started as hookups and became relationships.
I will never LTR a girl from one of these places unless I introduced her to the scene from scratch, and even then, I would have to fundamentally change my lifestyle to make an LTR work with me going there. Or just only really go there with the LTR because it's too problematic to be deep in the scene without boundaries and a serious partner
I think what a lot of guys don't realize about honkey tonks is that you will constantly be running into girls you've fucked and they will be surrounded by guys they fucked
It's a very incestuous environment. Which is great for getting laid if you're a good dancer and have high social proof and SMV, but at the same time it's like in-person tinder and you have to have an iron mentality to succeed there or you will lose your mind
I'm also finding out the hard way you can't just go breaking plates there. They'll fuck you over. To break a plate at one of these places you literally have to slow ghost them in plain sight and hope they go for another man.
You can't just drop them like some chick you met on OLD or another place you'll never see again.
Part of having to be okay with them fucking other guys is that you already know they're going to do it whether you like it or not, and when you start to get sick of one, them, the fact of them branching to another guy is literally the best way to get rid of them without chaos and gossip.
melosgallium 1y ago
It takes at least 2 or so years to get decent with anything that's social dance related. The consistently popular ones, like ballroom, salsa, & even swing, require a lot of investment, and I believe the man must at the very least have an innate love of and appreciation for this niche. Ironically, once I've reached a level of decency, I don't know whether to use it as just an avenue to get NSA affection or to find someone I might like. But yes it has a lot of mine fields if you play the game. It's a double-edged sword because while you can meet a lot of ladies, all of this is sort of lost if you find someone.. Or if you keep doing it, everyone around you need to have this particular degree of maturity about it. Either you guys will be instructors or just life long dancers.
I won't doubt that almost all of the women you've encountered are what they are. I approached this niche with some foolish passion, and I was stupid enough to intro my plate to it. Even though she found someone in the community who seems to share her view that dancing is solely romantic, and though I should be grateful and joyful. I can find myself a bit frustrated & even mad because I truly am in it because I like it (not women) but the culture.
Yeah, she's a Christian girl as well, when we hooked back up, it was actually beneficial for us to discover what she experienced. Says that she did in fact liked to be recognized and appreciated, touched. Yet, I doubt this is because she wants to release sexual tension. But Unless if she constant bachata or zouk on. I genuinely don't think it can relieve sexual tension or don't understand how it could. Swing for example, is far from sensual.
At the same time, there were moments where we'd lay. Then next day, I'd see her out dancing. Although she was the kind who preferred to lock down and engage in a committed 1 on 1, I have no issue with it. We both understood that our circumstances were hopeless, but I couldn't help but smirk at the fact that she still went out after saying that she finds this scene abhorrent. I understood that certain girls simply require everyday affection and touch. And she said that she was yearning for true love, which is why she was doing this. I'm sure there are women who you've met who are like this. They just couldn't care any less. As long as they get touched.
I agree you shouldn't shit where you eat. Yet, I believe that just coming out and being honest is best for both parties. Generally, it's we guys who have to spill it. However, I'm not sure how to do this yet because it seems strange and I don't want to make any of the instagram connects I make uncomfortable. The best strat is to dance with them again in the future, stroll with them afterward, and then escalate but just tell them the truth there. I have no doubt that she would understand. I think it'll be better if she were a semi-regular (rather than a pure regular) because she might understand the gig. Even then, isn't the point of all of this to just really test things out, even when it comes to sex? For women like my then plate, I believe they'll stick to their partners even if the sex is bad. The loyalty after sex is what gets me. You've already danced with alot of men, some just make every interactions super personal.
Yeah people like me find the regulars to be annoying. Just the insta highlights when it comes to the bachata are quite popular in my community. Really, I don't believe it's cool, especially for guys who try to overuse it on their page. Women simply appear to be making an effort to dry hump in a wavy pattern. Couples that engage in this behavior are also unsure from my point of view. They'll have these videos of themselves on insta, but what will happen after that and when you're old? Some regulars simply have the appearance of having lost their enthusiasm. I understand that some guys get in here to find a partner, but I believe passion can outweigh it. Passion for music for example. You're also correct that it's preferable to plate non-regulars, but IDK for me, doing so feels like it would be a waste of time. It's better if she doesn't enjoy the entire dancing scene. The best course of action with these people, I suppose, is to simply adopt a short-term dating perspective with them and sadly, yeah, I may have to put off socials too and even taking classes in my studio didn't make sense. She didn't have the same view of it, so now what?
She seemed so fixed that she can find real love here. It's not being said that it's horrible or impossible. But, I find it odd that the man she is dating claims to be all for family and all that, and it's not bad but I also find the irony. Perhaps she met someone who views dance from a similar angle as she does. I'd just hate it if they start going to socials together to do PDA. It's not that it's bad but you two found each other now and you seemed to have a different look on relationships here, so leave the floor lol. Have you experienced this? What do you think of this situation? I believe that for us, the key is to understand what our final goals are. I'm curious about the prospect of hooking up here because I've heard the sex is wild and many of the women are undeniably athletic but again, it's such a double edged sword mindful type of shitty situation.
From what I've heard, most hits were not hits. The build-up to sex or just getting to know someone in general has often been uninteresting despite the fact that they danced so well. And this is what I'm also terrified of, which is why I believe I'm so interested if women like I described can be tested if they can still change their banner.
Knowing why you're here is the iron mentality in this situation. I'm not claiming to have all the answers, but these communities (U.S. mostly) aren't often looked into, so for me, knowing that I'll succeed if I, say, just enjoy a song or two at night and make it my only goal, can plenty enough. It still comes to thought that what is all this for right? At least in ballroom, it felt more straightforward. Either you have a partner or not or you stick with them.
I wish you had mentioned the scenario with the broken plates before. I believed that by showing her what I enjoyed, I was doing her a favor. We had already left at that point, but I still believed that by showing her the world, I might help her find some "purpose" in life. She's a introvert, secluded type of Christian, but now there's a chance I'll run into her wherever I go, including the new person she hopes to be for the rest of her life. Even though I exposed her to it and was polite enough to show her my mentors and studios, she also caused harm and spread rumors. She was really difficult to deal with, and now I could see how she saw dance differently from how I did. Just was hard for her to see that I mostly saw it as sport despite the women approaching me. Later on, she continued to yearn for that continual attention and touch even after having sex. And where else besides socials could she obtain that? At least this isn't a sleezy, nightclub like culture. Considering how socials were kind of dying off and how new to the scene I was, I also had no idea how it would turn out.
I tried showcasing my learned skills in OLD. Some girls didn't seem to mind that I had pics/vids of me dancing with incredibly stunning women, so I suppose it's either working or not. But they weren't exactly overly sensual either. For instance, swing is the least sensual of the socials. I believe the only appropriate course of action is to minimize this lifestyle and use it in small, short-term relationships if connected from OLD. Yet, it also raises the bar because, despite their claims that they "dance" few women in OLD are actual dancers. The majority are unskilled, which is pretty boring. But that's the thing, with this girl, I don't know yet if she's going to be a one and set type or going to go again if her current won't work out. Why do I worry about it? IDK because I made a bad decision to get her into it while making her a plate