My first gf cheated on me, however I always thought she had strong values for fidelity due to her ferocious jealousy. She would become insecure and upset if I looked at girls in the street etc. BP me thought this was a good thing, but now it's become apparent that girls with these traits always end up being the cheaters themselves. Why is this?
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mattyanon Admin 1y ago
She knows she's a cheater so she expects you to be one too.
For future reference: trusting people are more trustworthy.
Lionsmane8 1y ago
Narcissists project their flaws and insecurities onto others. They always accuse you of what they are doing themselves.
MidgetSpinner 1y ago
That is one possibility, but it also could be that someone's been cheated on in the past and it's caused some trauma that makes them cautious or untrusting in future relationships which definitely someone would need therapy for.
Einsamer 1y ago
Think about it: if you are a thief and you know where, when and how to break into houses - wouldn't that make you see your own house with very different eyes? Wouldn't you be much more worried than the average person?
Same thing here: the girl knows how to cheat and she infers that if she does it, why shouldn't others? That's your answer. Very often, the more worried a person is about something, the higher the chance it is because they would do the same. Ofc it can also be that it just happened to them much more than average, but statistically speaking that's unlikely.
JamesSkepp Moderator 1y ago
@Lionsmane8
This isn't narcissism.
She is Low Self Esteem. LSE people do that a lot, they lash out b/c to them everything is a threat. On top of that, she is a woman, and that compounds the effect since women live in a social world and for a LSE woman, every other woman is a threat more than it would be normally. So basically you interacting with half of the population is a threat.
She cheated for multiple reasons.
She found another guy, and since according to her you are most likely cheating already or want to cheat, it's fair game for her. It's LSE combined with female hamster.
Next reason is kinda fuzzy and circular, but it makes sense, namely since she is LSE she has low opinion about herself and thus that makes you a guy who hangs out with low value girls. IOW the very fact that you chose not to treat her like low value that she is (this is how she perceives herself), didnt pump aand dumped her - says that you hang out with low value people b/c high value people don't hand out with low value people. And women don't want to be associated with low value men.
Related to that is the fact the the LSE+female nature creates a lot of drama and a lot of anxiety inside her. She is not sure you will be with her, she's constantly questioning herself as your girl. Fucking another guy relives her of the tension, b/c now she isn't your gf anymore, she is back to the familiar LSE feelings she knows.
Finally, she cheated b/c she wanted validation. Some guy wanting her boosts her sense of value. Then the LSE sets in and it all starts again.
You can't fix LSE externally, it has to be done internally by the LSE person.
Lionsmane8 1y ago
All girls have a combination of narcissism and LSE.
But I do agree with you on most parts. They know they are worth shit, and if you treat shit like gold it won't feel appreciative, it'll just wonder what's wrong with you.
JamesSkepp Moderator 1y ago
Not all, I suspect only a slight percentage has these traits.
"Female nature"-type behaviors are often misinterpreted as narcissism (similar to solipsism) or LSE (similar to women putting more importance to social status). I suspect that LSE, narcissism and early-life-pathologies are what crates the "crazy" women.
[deleted] 1y ago
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JamesSkepp Moderator 1y ago
No, it does not. You can have one without the other, which means they are not connected.
[deleted] 1y ago
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JamesSkepp Moderator 1y ago
Don't apologize. You are on TRP, you are either right or wrong.
You see it as egg-chicken. I think it's 2 separate things. I think LSE is not the cause of narcissim. At best I can agree to people with LSE being more prone to becoming narcissitic. Other than that, I think that the fact that narcissist or narcissit-prone kids exist (and I'm talking about 5-7yo, not preteens or "almost adult") points to the fact that it's likely a specific type of brain wiring or chemistry.
lurkerhasarisen 1y ago
People exercise options for a variety of reasons: validation, lust, excitement, pleasure, variety, etc.. Why are some types are women more prone to exercise options at the risk of sabotaging good relationships? I'll counter with a question of my own. Why would you expect a woman with low impulse control in one area (histrionics when she thinks you're interested in another girl) to demonstrate a high level of impulse control when she's being offered something that appeals to her?
But the more important question is why you consider it to be "cheating" in the first place. You were neither married nor engaged to the girl you said cheated on you... but unless you had explicitly agreed to exclusively, she wasn't cheating at all.
Exclusively is never implied (short of becoming engaged). If it's not explicitly declared then it's not there, and one-sided mate-guarding and jealousy on her part are NOT explicit declarations of her commitment to be exclusive. Even traditional wedding vows explicitly include exclusivity with the phrase, "... forsaking all others..." in order to remove any ambiguity.
The boyfriend / girlfriend paradigm is inherently vague. There isn't even a single good definition for it, so there are no hard-and-fast rules. In another comment today I mentioned that i had dated (by which I meant that I had gone on at least one date with) more than a dozen women. How many of those were "girlfriends" of mine? I have no idea because I can't define the term. People in general (and women in particular) like it like that, which is why it exists in our culture. The ambiguous nature of the boyfriend / girlfriend paradigm allows people to both 1) do what they want and to 2) feel bad when the other person does something he/she do doesn't like.
Take your first girlfriend, for example. I'm assuming that you didn't explicitly pledge to be exclusive, and by the loosey-goosey "rules" of the paradigm she could just as easily exonerate herself and criticize you. All she would have to say is that your paying attention to other girls in her presence was disrespectful (a violation of the relationship rules as she defines them), but her sleeping around without your knowledge is her own business (not a violation because she never agreed to it and didn't do it in front of you). See how that works?
Don't assume tradional wife/fiance behavior from hoes you're dating. Better yet: DON'T DATE HOES.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
A lot of reasons.
But think this way, if you're constantly insecure enough to always suspect that your partner is cheating on you (when they aren't) you are going to be more likely to revenge cheat/preemptively cheat because you think your partner is or is about to
It's incredibly stupid, but some women think like this (as do some men)
I think the projecting their own cheating on to someone else narcissistically as others have said is valid but is a different issue entirely. Cheaters knowing how they cheat and what signs to defend against is part of it but different from the revenge/pre-emptive cheating entirely
One is reactional, the other is proactive