In my last relationship, my ex-girlfriend used to always beg for more attention. But i wasnt much of a phone call type guy, and would text her 3-4 days of the week, but not every day, and definitely not instant texting. I work so much and was never a huge reliable texter personality type. Every so often she would need comfort tests because of this, saying she needs more attention, only wants it from me, etc.
Well this is a long story, but we broke up about a year ago. I introduced her to one of my best "girl friends" when we were dating. Lets call her Christina. They became best friends during our relationship and after. Christina has always been civil with me and never sided with my ex during or after the relationship.
I met up with Christina recently with some friends at a bar last weekend, where she admitted that my now ex talks on the phone every single day for 20 minutes with her new boyfriend, they have only been dating for 1 month now. She didnt say it maliciously or try to get a reaction, but the conversation kind of drifted there. She knows the intimate details of our break up, she is my best friend, she is best friends with my ex..
Im over my ex now. But sometimes I reflect on how to be a better boyfriend for LTR, as one day I do want kids and marriage. Part of my post-break up insight was that at times, my texting is pretty sparse and delayed but its because im busy. But my ex used to always say people make time for things that are important to them. I kind of treated half of it like shit-tests and the other half like comfort-tests, while being a bit guilty at the time knowing i probably didnt give enough texting attention to my ex.
We hung out a lot, 3-4 times a week in person and i never "neglected" her in that aspect. It was a healthy relationship that I ended for other reasons. What was definitely lacking in that texting department, I was exceptional in other categories, things i deemed more important, such as dates, quality time in person, sex, maintaining high smv, frame, social life outside of her.
But hearing this made me think, is 20 minutes daily phone calls TOO MUCH time for a LTR? This is not even including the texting throughout the day either. Im just thinking this new guy is doing 20 minute phone calls every day with a new 1 month LTR.
With redpill knowledge, that seems to remove any mystery and give way too much comfort even to a LTR. It just seems very beta and clingy, maybe needy? Maybe im hating. Anyways Im glad she found someone who is giving her what was missing from me. Its just weird seeing this from the outside, looking in, with someone i was so intimate with in the past. And regarding one of my "flaws" or wahtever.
TRP, is that too much attention for LTR?
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
Going the beta provider route with offspring requires an amount of effort and sacrifice that makes a 20 minute phone call look like a swipe.
If that amount of work is already over your head, you won't be able to handle all the literal plow horsing (to feed at least three mouths), sleep deprivation and additional caretaking of (post-)pregnant mother and child and anything that comes down the road.
And that's all what all the testing is about: Are you fit to handle what you get yourself into.
desbryant 1y ago
I never implied that it was too hard for me to do. I just thought it was counterproductive to attraction which is important for a LTR too. Im asking for LTR advice here.
Im talking about attraction in LTR regarding: attention, availability, etc. The problem was never "I dont want to work hard" or "We broke up because I wasnt fit enough"
Like, is 20 minute daily phonecalls the norm for a LTR? (excluding texting) Im really just asking this to other guys here and what girls expectations are when they are no longer plates.
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
Attraction is a direct measure of your fitness for reproduction. The less fit your are, the less your woman is interested in getting pregnant (aka having sex with you).
Here is a thing, if you want to raise children: You cannot run to the Internet with every little issue and ask some hivemind. You have to figure stuff out on your own and improvise a lot, sometimes within minutes. As a father you will have much bigger fish to fry.
The real question is: Is giving a child 20 minutes of attention per day enough, too much or just right? What do you think?
Your mindset is "How do I pass these tests to get laid?" However if you want to go for the real thing, you need to pass these tests for real, because things are going to be real, when shit hits the fan. It's absolutely useless if some forum just prompts you the answers.
Their expectation is you being able to handle yourself and them and their offspring
desbryant 1y ago
Genuinely seems like you’re just trying to frame it as something entirely different. Communication via texting isn’t really comparable to raising offspring.
Also not the reason we broke up. It was just a perceived weakness of mine that I identified in reflection. It never disqualified me as a mate to her.
I broke up with her because she was immature and too insecure for me
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
What do you think sex itself is about?
You just failed another test by that. You still don't get it.
The only reason why you had sex at all, is because women have access to hormonal contraception. By choice they can prevent you from making babies with them. Otherwise you wouldn't have never seen a pussy in your life.
Now when you enter the vetting process for fathering children (LTR), you apply what you got taught by your father raising you. If your father was neglecting or absent, then you're not fit to start a family and there not fit for a LTR. That's it. Then you have a few decades of figuring stuff out first before you can even think of having a "long-term" relationship going past one month.
You might call that "framing", but that is what a boyfriend is for a woman. Not what you think it is or whatever "norm" the Internet sets.
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whytehorse2021 1y ago
Just marry Christina. That's what I did(different name).
desbryant 1y ago
Ha ha I don’t find her attractive. I’m really big on keeping male friendships but Christina is that one girl friendship I have where she’s honest to me like a man is but gives me a woman’s perspective. I really value our friendship lol. I return the favor..
Positive-Lifeguard80 1y ago
Doesn't prevent her from getting pregnant from you.
Not being attracted sets the frame just right for dread. You can go into it with the factual notion of not needing her and she has to work for your attention. Perfect conditions.
Yes, men don't have a dual mating strategy, but think about it!
whytehorse2021 1y ago
What is she a big fat girl or something? Bucked teeth? Cross-eyed?
dongking 1y ago
20min per day on the phone is way too much if you meet 3-4 days per week. I'd dump a needy bitch like that.
In my last LTR I told my then gf after 1 month to stop calling for chitchats and only call if its an emergency or atleast very important. She was ok with it and we lasted 4 years together.
It's just useless. Waste of time and attraction on both ends.
desbryant 1y ago
Well I don’t know the intimate details of their relationship, but in going to assume he’s the one calling her 20mins a day. When we were together she never requested that, she just wanted “more attention” which I think was fair.
I’m going to assume the guy she’s dating is “leading” by doing 20 min per day because she’s not the type to set the tone like that she goes with the flow