We have a special connection, amazing sex, she’s submissive. I am usually very busy and don’t text much, but recently she has hit me with a comfort test that she thinks I don’t want to be with her: I never text her or check in on her etc.
The reality is that I hit her up nearly 95% of the time. She never initiates but does text back fast and enthusiastically.
I told her that she puts no effort into the relationship, and I find it ironic that she is telling me I’m the one neglecting her.
I told her I would appreciate some thoughtful reciprocation, effort etc. she said she doesn’t want to come across as clingy and intense. This was her “excuse” for her lack of effort.
Is this a legitimate excuse or some bullshit? Obviously I will have to keep tabs on her behavior after this talk, to decide.
Typically she views me as the leader and I plan everything. I only asked that she acted like a girlfriend more and not be so passive in the relationship (read: no effort) despite her otherwise great behavior.
I know some girls are naturally passive and some guys may say it’s a dream to have a girl who doesn’t bug the shit out of them, but she was the one who technically called me out for “neglecting” her etc etc
She then told me it’s complicated being with me she doesn’t understand my needs. I then told her that I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t happy to be with me, and she replied that she is very happy with me blah blah, only wants to be with me etc.
She basically acts like a great 10/10 plate but is inexperienced being a girlfriend. I’m her first real boyfriend (in adulthood). We are both 20. I just can’t tell if she’s genuinely inexperienced or taking me for granted. I think this is why it’s hard to treat her like a gf when she acts like a plate with me.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
You're right, but women and logic are like water and chalk.
Women always have an excuse for their passive behaviour...... but it's never the truth.
It's bullshit. It's an excuse lined up ready for when you ask. The reality is she's lazy and doesn't have to do much, and you have enabled this.
Yeah, this is terrible. She does nothing and complains you don't do enough.
Exactly the problem with passive girls - you just can't tell anything from their actions because there are no actions.
There is every chance that she is either lazy, weak, disinterested or taking you for granted. I don't buy this whole passive shit either.
You have to train them up from the start to be more active to avoid this. You can't do it halfway through the relationship. Good luck.
bymxco 1y ago
I didn’t want to have a logical conversation with her but she did bring up the topic so I figured I would throw it out there.
I understand that I have “enabled” it but I’m not sure how. I’m very redpilled and I have assumed the leader role from the moment we started talking and I misinterpreted it as her being receptive to my leadership.
I would like to know what I can do from here on out. I told her I like effort, so if she doesn’t show more, should I start pulling away my commitment?
She’s gonna FaceTime me later, what should I say or do from here..?
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
This is the problem with leading..... you can think you're leading while they're happy being a passive sheep. The solution is to filter out women who behave unacceptably, including being too passive. Filter early by not doing all the work.
Yep. You can't actively make her more active. She should do more as you date more...... if she doesn't, she's the passive/lazy type and I doubt you can change it.
You can try by gradually encouraging her to do more, but I doubt it'll work.
End with "ok cool...... hit me up Tuesday".
bymxco 1y ago
The extent of her efforts usually are occasional affectionate texts here and there, and that’s it. And just overall pleasant text convos (never is dry texting).
It seems she only texts me for reassurance, and I guess that’s not a bad thing technically because she values and seeks my validation.
The thing is that she wants more attention, which is also not a bad thing because she values my non sexual attention which is what a girl who loves you wants.
But at the end of the day she is passive and hardly initiates. I don’t want to blow this up over what seems to be a small issue that can be fixed.
Generally she is very pleasant and never shit tests me in person. It’s just that her texting behavior bothers me and she had the audacity to say I am neglecting her, bordering into manipulative territory
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Except it's focussing on her needs rather than how much she likes you.
Yep, it's hypocritical.
eyesayhello 1y ago
"Is this a legitimate excuse or some bullshit? Obviously I will have to keep tabs on her behavior after this talk, to decide."
If you have to keep tabs on her then it's time to dump her. Trust is paramount and you clearly don't trust her. And, rightfully so.
HopelessRomantic 1y ago
You never trust the words a women says. Only her behavior and actions.
bymxco 1y ago
Keep tabs maybe was a bad analogy. Trust isn’t the issue here. I meant I will have to see if she makes more effort, after we talked about it. She had the plausible excuse of “not wanting to seem overbearing and clingy” before.
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whytehorse2021 1y ago
I wouldn't worry about it. My wife is like that. I'd have to specifically put stuff on a calendar for her to get her to do things and then pretend she is initiating. Women can't love you the way you think they should. Just specify your needs and she'll fall in line. You can't just say "act more like a girlfriend". If you want a woman who acts masculine and initiates you're going to have to get one of those feminist boss babes "strong, indahpendant wahmens".
bymxco 1y ago
In my specific case, how can I specify my need?
“I need you to ____”
...
“I need you to put more effort into the relationship” is very vague. Or is that enough??
whytehorse2021 1y ago
That's too vague. "I need you to initiate contact when you're feeling neglected"
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
It might be legitimate. Women tend to be insecure. The bit about you telling her you "don't want to be with someone who isn't happy being with me" is a mistake though. That's you jumping to conclusions, letting your neediness get the better of you, and coming off as butthurt. Just tell her straight up what you need, specifically, and without the drama.
bymxco 1y ago
Well I left out a few details. After we talked she said it was complicated being with me. I told her we will work on this together but at the same time I don’t wanna be with someone who isn’t happy, referring to her complaining about being with me. That was my response and she shut up.
I didn’t bring it up as a power move or anything.