Yesterday morning my ltr was making demands and trying to call me out for a lack of enthusiasm. I tried to shut it down and said I’m not interested in drama. She kept going and then here’s where I think I fucked up. So I remembered that she posted a picture of her and her sister on her story the other day and I’m not sure what I was thinking in the moment but I blurted out. “Did you get validation from some losers on that story you posted and now you think you can act like a celebrity to me this early in the morning”
More drama ensued and we went back and forth. I Had to go to work and the conversation stalled. After work I told her to get ready I was coming. I brought her along on some errands and tried to change the mood. She got more mad at me that I was “brushing off on how she felt about the comments that I made”. I wasn’t interested in going back and forth so I said I was going to drop her home and she was like “yeah take me home”.
Later that night I texted her again to which she was being passive aggressive. I called her out and she was like don’t tell me what to do. and she was once again saying I was trying to change topics. So she said “I’m heading to work tonight let’s talk about this tmrw”. Now it’s noon the next day and I haven’t heard back from her. What should be my course of action.
She’s also career oriented and can be a bit masculine when I don’t have my shit together and drop frame but in general she’s submissive and very sexual and likes to be dominated, choked, slapped, dirty talk, etc (which is why I find it amusing when she says don’t tell me what to do when we’re arguing). I always make her orgasm. Fingers, piv etc. she also lets me hit it raw and just takes plan bs after.
Sometimes I do make comments like that about her without any intention to hurt her but she says they are hurtful comments. So I’m not sure how to proceed in my current situation.
Edit : she just texted me this :
“Good afternoon. I don’t want you think I’m being passive aggressive but I need some time to think and process how I wanna navigate through our relationship. I have work in a bit so I don’t think I can see you tmrw. I’m doing evening shifts till Friday. We’ll catch up sometime this weekend.”
OPPTRP 1y ago
You shouldn’t have said that but what a comment
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
The comment you made wasn't so bad if you just stuck with it. Neither was pretending nothing happened, and trying to change the mood. Dropping her off at home was a fair response to her wanting to keep the drama going.
But the texting her again later that night, that's where you gave her the upper hand. From that moment on, it seems to me she's the one calling the shots. She got to end the conversation, she got to set a time for when to resume it etc. You should've soft nexted her after dropping her off at home. No texts, no calls, no nothing. It's a war of attrition by that point, and every time you reach out, you give up territory.
Your next course of action should be to make lots of plans for the next few days, keep busy (genuinely busy). Hang out with friends, get some stuff done, have fun, and don't leave any room in your schedule. It'll keep you from caving in even more, and if she reaches out to you, you can honestly say you're going to be too busy for the next 2-3-4 days.
It's probably going to piss her off, but that's alright. Pissed off is good. What you don't want is indifference. Oh, and don't apologize. You just made an accurate observation, and she probably knows it was accurate. So apologizing will only make you seem scared of her emotions.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
Funnily enough as you sent this she texted me:
“Good afternoon. I don’t want you think I’m being passive aggressive but I need some time to think and process how I wanna navigate through our relationship. I have work in a bit so I don’t think I can see you tmrw. I’m doing evening shifts till Friday. We’ll catch up sometime this weekend.”
What’s the best course of action here and what do you think her strategy is.
HopelessRomantic 1y ago
She's clear and transparent with her comment. She needs to think about how she wants to "navigate" through your relationship; which is pretty broad, which means she's shit-testing and trying to see how you're going to react. "Till Friday. We'll catch up this weekend..." - This just means she's expecting you to wait for her to call you or text you, and when you inevitably do, she'll likely be too busy to talk or even more likely state she's spending time with other friends.
IN MY OPINION - and I'm not the best person to ask so maybe someone can reply to my message; is to make plans with some friends, go do something you enjoy and shake your head of her influence - if she has any on you. But then again from a LTR standpoint, I'm unsure - how long have you been with her?
DastardlyCade 1y ago
You’re correct. However Someone mentioned ignoring her text comes off as butt hurt. She knows I’m very social so should I just say I’m out of town this weekend to get her hamster spinning
HopelessRomantic 1y ago
That sounds like a good idea. Plant that seed of doubt. Just make sure it's something believable. If you frequent trips out of town then that plays in your favor. If in the relationship you've never mentioned being out of town, she might call your bluff and think that you're just using the out of town trip as a faux power play.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
What do you think of this as a reply:
that’s fine. However Wont be in the city on Saturday and most likely Sunday. If you’re actually not being passive aggressive then we can talk before then. If you want to figure this out in good faith then I’m up for it. If this is a power play (which it seems since we always hang out during both our work days) then I’m not interested in continuing this further.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
She's trying to control frame, and to feign a calm attitude. But the "good afternoon" (lmfao) + the wordiness gives her away.
But she did reach out, so no answer here might come off as butthurt. Short answer should suffice.
"No worries, catch you at a later time"
"No problem, let's try for Monday (got a very busy weekend)"
Keep it short, and don't say anything that can be construed as you agreeing on this weekend. Make sure you're busy this weekend, like honestly busy. Have a lot of fun, meet up with friends etc.
The part about her just assuming you got nothing going on besides her on a weekend is cause for concern, to be honest. At least if that's based on her actual experience with you, and not just an attempted powergrab on her part. Either way, you need to reframe that by setting another time at a later date.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Some posters in this forum have also mentioned that time and break are euphemisms for wanting to test out a new dick or new person or find a new branch to swing to before officially ending it or coming back to you. Should I just be blunt and say I don’t do do breaks and if a break is what she wants then we are both single from now on. Kinda like shocking her into compliance
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
No no no, that's just paranoia. This isn't a "we need a break" or "I need some time to discover myself" type of situation. Keep cool, were talking 3-4 days here. It's nothing, just a game.
What she wants is for you to beg for her time and attention, and I bet you she's going to be glued to the phone, waiting for your response, trying her best to come off as cold/distant, while in reality she's an emotional mess.
Remember the "good afternoon " bit? Yeah, her game is hilariously terrible. She's trying so hard to be an ice princess here, and it's very, very cute.
If you go overt, and start demanding this and that, start going on about how you don't do breaks, pounding your chest and all that, you're just giving her exactly what she wants, which is an emotional response. That's really just you begging, so don't do that.
Play it cool, keep busy, short replies for when she texts you first, and go have some fun this weekend. This is an opportunity not to hang out with your girlfriend for the weekend. So cherish it, enjoy it and make the most of it.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
What do you think of this reply :
that’s fine. However Wont be in the city on Saturday and most likely Sunday. If you’re actually not being passive aggressive then we can talk before then. If you want to figure this out in good faith then I’m up for it. If this is a power play (which it seems since we always hang out during both our work days) then I’m not interested in continuing this further.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
No. Way too long, and you're still begging for her time and attention. Also, you need to stop talking directly to her about gender dynamics, like "power play", "validation", "passive aggressive" etc., as if she's somehow going to see the light, and stop being a woman.
You talk way too much. Learn to STFU, and keep your psychoanalysis to yourself. I can already tell this relationship is going down the shitter, but take that as a life lesson when it happens.
But as for now, keep it simple, keep it friendly/chill, and keep it short. Stop negotiating for her affection, and stick to logistics only.
Try this:
"That's fine. However, won't be in the city Saturday and most likely Sunday. Let's try for Monday"
You can even put a smiley face at the end there, unless that's too gay for you. Point is, you're fine with all this, totally oblivious to there being a problem, and couldn't give less of a fuck. You communicate this covertly, not overtly.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
Yeah you’re right. That is too much talking. One other commenter suggested something similar about calling her out on her bs but as we all know that never works out. I only thought of sending what I sent up there because I can sense the overall downward decline of the relationship (partly of my own doing) and one of my last options is trying to shock her into compliance. And if she doesn’t get in line then it’s good riddance. I’m not attached to her but if I play my cards right I would like to keep her around for social proof as well as access to sex. Although I am spinning other plates in the meantime. This one is easy access
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Iron Rule of Tomassi #7:
"It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship."
You're not married, you don't live together, you don't own shit with her, you don't have kids together. There's no real reason you should be this invested in the relationship. Next her.
redhawkes 2 1y ago
Keep rewarding shitty behavior, it looks like it's working. She's sensing your frame crushing.
Ignore the beta bait text, go out, hit the gym, have fun, soft next. This is power play 101. Never apologize. She wants to see if you're desperate. Grab frame and act like nothing happened. Dread is your friend.
When she texts you next tme, give yourself time to reply. Activate plates if the behavior persist or demote her. This also can be used as an excuse to dump you. Pay attention to her behavior.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
You’re correct. Someone mentioned ignoring it comes off as butt hurt. She knows I’m very social should I just say I’m out of town this weekend to get her hamster spinning
redhawkes 2 1y ago
The no contact will put the hamster on overdrive. It's obvious you want to reply and validate her horseshit. Let her hamster do the job. Just say you're busy if she asks.
MrSupreme 1y ago
I think that might be a too deep insight on her psychology, and girls seem to hate talking about stuff like that,they love it when you understand them sure,but they hate being dissected like that. Next time just skip the whole validation thing and go straight to "woke up like a diva today" or something like that, keep the rest to yourself since just knowing that stuff is somewhat empowering,at least for us males
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
hahaha nice
Ok, here's the problem.
You say "no drama", but you engage in drama.
You need to learn to walk away. No discussion, no "trying to fix it", no "trying to win"...... you WALK AWAY from it. It's the only message they understand.
Again, you're engaging with the drama factory. You'll notice that it can produce infinite drama at a moment's notice. Do not engage with the drama factory.
She can say whatever shit she likes, and you can ignore it.
Here's your problem:
She feels 100% secure in the relationship, so she feels she has leverage, so she manipulates the situation to make it work for her (which means less effort from her and more from you).
Soft next. Pull the relationship rug out from under her. TALK TO MORE WOMEN. She is too secure.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
Great breakdown. Seems like I’ve created a negative feedback loop by teaching her I engage with arguments and drama. So by soft next you mean I should ignore this message or leave it on read. Also I am talking to multipe woman and have had sexual encounters outside of my ltr. Idk if it’s because she’s a year older than me or if it’s because she’s a career woman sometimes dread doesn’t seem to work on her.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Yes. By staying and fighting you prove to her HOW MUCH YOU CARE and simultaneously you are engaging in low value presentation of yourself. Which makes her attack you more. Logic and rationality looks weak compared to the power of her slinging shit at you, and you taking it.
yes
good!
Great! If dread doesn't work, enjoy the chance to fuck other women and learn to care less what this one thinks and does.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
My wife is on soft next right now for similar BS. Just message her back "Actually I do think you're being passive aggressive, combative, and acting like a child. I need some time to evaluate whether or not I want to be with such a person. I'll let you know in June."
DastardlyCade 1y ago
What do you think of this as a reply :
that’s fine. However Wont be in the city on Saturday and most likely Sunday. If you’re actually not being passive aggressive then we can talk before then. If you want to figure this out in good faith then I’m up for it. If this is a power play (which it seems since we always hang out during both our work days) then I’m not interested in continuing this further.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
I soft nexted my wife last night and this morning she's behaving properly. The difference between what I said and what you're saying is that I made it clear I was willing to walk away by walking away. That's what a soft next is. Then it's up to her to correct her behaviour and come back to you. What you're doing is negotiating for frame. It will only turn her off more. You HAVE to pull the relationship away from her. That's your only real power. Once you've done that, she'll come running back.
Just be honest. "I don't think we're going to work out in a relationship. I don't like arguing, combative women, or careerist women. You're too masculine for me. I'm going to see other people while you get in touch with your feminine side."
Edit: Remember, men are the gatekeepers of relationships. Why? Because we have to build ourselves up from no value to high value, which makes us the real prize. If a woman wants to get with us and enjoy the fruits of our labor, she has to earn it.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
No, you don't give her an end date. You want to maximise the emotional impact for as long as possible...... if you give an end date, she'll stop thinking about it until then.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Yeah, my wife couldn't even handle 1 day of soft nexting. If I had put a time frame on it then she'd be a pain in the ass until that date.