My LTR of 7 months recently rekindled a friendship with a guy who she's known for years, however due to the guy friend being in a toxic relationship wasn't allowed to talk to her for the duration of said relationship. He's out of that now and they're friends again.
My LTR has issues with trauma and severe insecurities about herself, she doesn't have many girl friends, only one.
She has been very open with the fact that she's friends with this guy, I brought up concerns previously stating that all guys have one intent, to fuck. She has been trying to convince me otherwise, calling him 'a beautiful soul' and 'harmless' aka the guy she tells you not to worry about meme.
I met him last night, SMV lower than mine, we actually got along well, however my GF seems it's totally fine to have this guy round to hang out one on and one and drink alcohol with, a lot of alcohol, I was there this time but there's the implication it will be done in my absence too.
Obviously this is breaking my boundaries and is unfortunate that my girlfriend is so close to a 'guy friend'/orbiter.
How do I handle this situation, I've read conflicting advice on TRP, such as applying dread, confronting, or not caring and assuming the alpha role of 'if she cheats, she knows what happens'.
What would be the optimal perspective, I accept that I cannot just stop caring, I've tried, clearly I started this LTR within her frame which is my mistake.
Any advice would be appreciated.
hannulv 2y ago
Girls have dual-natured desire: Alpha and Beta. They long for the comfort of simpy male attention, especially when they aren't ovulating. When I was young, I was a simpy orbiter that snagged a girl from an alpha. They never set out with the intention of cheating, but their hindbrain works to create scenarios where things can just happen, and those things tend to happen before the girl is even fully aware. This is especially true when alcohol blocks bloodflow to the reasoning center of the brain, and the hindbrain is in charge with fewer controls. Damaged girls with no girlfriends are the easiest, because they are so needy.
The most important list to establish before an LTR is your dealbreakers... partying with other dudes, drinking with other dudes, girls night out at the club, etc. I don't care if the guy is a drag queen, if she goes 1-on-1 drinking with him, I'm done. It's not because I don't trust her, it's because I don't go with girls that do that shit, end of story. If she doesn't want to date me, I'm fine with that.
Your exclusivity and commitment IS your bargaining chip. Why the fuck would you commit to being exclusive with a girl that gets drunk with other dudes?
This situation is very difficult to remedy as the precedents are already set. While it can be done, I wouldn't put in the time and arduous effort unless you're over 30 and the girl adds so much value to your life (does all your laundry, mows your lawn, comes over to suck your cock whenever you call, cleans your house, cooks for you, drops everything for you, completely sexually submissive, completely adores you, never skips a gym day, etc.) that you want to keep her around for a long time.
Given the red flags, I doubt she's much of a value add, and probably not great in bed (too "insecure"/"traumatized"). You can get better girls and train them to be even better. Do that. Seven months is nothing. Just tell her that your out. You like her a lot, but you're looking for other things.
RF96 2y ago
A solid perspective, I have read TRM and TRM Preventative Medicine, and it rings true.
The issue is, she's fucking godly in bed, tight little body, wants it hard and often, so the value there is actually quite substantial, just being honest. Yes I can find pussy elsewhere, but if i can make this work and retrain the frame then I believe it would be highly beneficial for me.
I am taking the stance of telling her my boundaries, verbally, in person with a demeanor of 'idgaf, break my boundaries you're nexted', I'd love advice on how to go about it, probably in the scope of meeting up during the day and seeing her temporarily and talking about it, or just being at hers, hanging out and let her know then leave to go out somewhere?
Overall I also see this as a training opportunity.
hannulv 2y ago
Great in bed is not a value add, that said, verbal boundaries are generally meaningless. But when you have to state them, state them about your behavior, not hers:
"I trust you and I know you're friends with this guy, and I know he's harmless. But we both know that he wouldn't be hanging out with you if you were a harry 300lb dude. You know that he would jump at the chance to date you. The reason his girlfriend wouldn't let him talk to you is because its obvious that he's into you. Hanging out with him, especially drunk, is extremely disrespectful to me, because it puts all of us in an awkward situation and creates scenarios that can go horribly wrong in many different ways. Even talking to him is cruel, because it leads him on. If you want to be kind to him, you should set him free so he can date girls that want to fuck him back. I'm not your boss, but I'm my boss, and I don't have exclusive relationships with girls that hang out alone with other dudes. You can do what you want with that, but hanging out with him is going to be a dealbreaker for me."
RF96 2y ago
That's a really solid response, letting her know of my behaviours rather than hers, aka implying consequences. When she next brings up that she will hang out with him, I will bring up the boundary I have and my behaviours.
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
I personally wouldnt wait until they have made concrete plans. It just adds another obstacle.
pfeilmacher 2y ago
Brother, pussy comes and goes. Some of it is amazing, some of it is sub-standard, some of it is bang average. But it's always coming and going. Don't EVER bend the knee to pussy, as it will never be scarce.....the Good Lord is always working hard to supply us with more.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
This is such a red flag. Even if she hypothetically viewed him as platonic, this isn't too far off from "I'm sorry for cheating, I was drunk! It's not my fault!"
This would be a solid deal-breaker for me.
You're probably looking for ways to improve this situation but I don't have any. No wonder she's doing stuff like this, she probably feels like she has free reign here. Starting an LTR in a girl's frame is relationship suicide dude
RF96 2y ago
Thanks for the input, you are correct, it is a boundary for me and I am trying to go about this a certain way, while I value your input I'd also like a plan of action, for example, do I bring it up something along the lines of 'It was good meeting X yesterday, and he seems fine, however a boundary I have is hanging out one on one with other guys, there is having guy friends, and there's having that'
Something along these lines, how do I give off the presence that I am not concerned about losing her, but she is breaking my boundaries.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
I mean if you're still trying to make this work out then yeah, tell her such one-on-one activities are boundary breaking. Expect pushback though.
If she breaks your boundaries after they are set, you'd be best to end it though. If you give them and and she breaks them and you still let it slide she'll lose all respect for you.
Be prepared to stand by your word but also be prepared for her getting upset that you're telling her to stop doing that.
If she asks why you can say alcohol and impaired thinking doesn't lead to anything good and leave it at that. She doesn't need a more thorough explanation, this should be obvious to anyone, especially women
RF96 2y ago
Thanks for the feedback, I need to think about how to set this boundary verbally, what would a solid script be?
Something along the lines of: X is a chill dude, however a boundary I do have is hanging out one on one in certain situations'
I know this seems childish to ask, but what do I say?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Honestly, I don't think it's going to matter what you say if you're in her frame and have been. She also seems determined to hang out with this guy and misses him.
It you absolutely NEED to do this and are intent on seeing this through, you can say:
"I gave it some thought, in a relationship, hanging out one-on-one with a guy in a private setting crosses my boundaries it's not sitting right with me. Especially if alcohol is involved. This is a clear boundary of mine even if you have known him for a long time."
I still think you're trying to polish a turd out of this situation but that's what I have to offer.
If she pushes or complains you can tell her it probably wouldn't sit right with her either if you were hanging out with a girl one-on-one either. Pressure flip her with that if she complains.
But whatever you do, don't argue with her about it's. Arguing with a woman is a losing proposition, they don't care about logic, they'll just want to be "right" in an argument.
She can either respect your boundaries or GTFO. Just don't tell her that this is an ultimatum, if she can't honor reasonable boundaries she shouldn't be in an LTR
RF96 2y ago
I find this a perfect response.
Appreciate you being frank, I should have neber promoted this girl from plate, it was in a blue pill mindset.
I will say what you have put there, I feel it's not desperate, while being calm and collected.
I will also make sure to follow through with my boundaries, if she breaks them, I will drop her.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
No problem man. It's pretty common for guys to get into relationships only to discover/apply TRP principles after the fact.
You'll be all the better having learned from this in hindsight
Blingo123 2y ago
My last fwb used to hang round with a guy one on one that she’d known for years and guess what she ended up leaving me for him. Be careful I guess.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
unacceptable, tell her.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Always assume she's fucking other guys. Dread would work really good here. Tell her you want an exclusive relationship with non-exclusive sex and that you won't consider her for LTR if she fucks other guys.
RF96 2y ago
Agree with the dread, disagree with the rest there.
NotGoodWithUsernames 2y ago
The more you make a deal out of it the more you are validating him as a worthy branch to swing to, that's my personal experience here. Act chill, focus on you as you normally would and if she one day goes out her way and fucks it up, HER loss.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
If you're uncomfortable with it, you either have to shut up about it or act on it. Personally though, I think guys (even red pillers) tend to care too much about orbiters, suddenly forgetting (when it's their girlfriend) that orbiters are inherently unattractive to women. The guy who's doing the fucking generally don't need to waste his energy worrying about the guy doing the simping. Are you doing the fucking?
DextroShade 2y ago
You simply give her a choice: him or you. Men and women cannot just be friends unless the guy is legit gay. Be prepared to walk, but from the looks of it she isn't LTR material anyway.
pfeilmacher 2y ago
I've had multiple girlfriends cheat on me with much lower SMV guys. All were orbiters just waiting for their chances.
I've learned my lessons the hard way. If a woman wants to hang out with a male friend outside of my presence, that's a deal breaker to me.
If I were you I'd let her know in a very calm, matter of fact way that you don't date women who hang out alone with males, and it's not up for discussion.
RF96 2y ago
This is the route I'm going to take, utilising previous advice in this thread. I'm going to bring it up when she mentions him again saying that hanging out one-on-one with another guy in a private setting is a clear boundary of mine, and it's not up for discussion.
Guyandtheroadtovictory 2y ago
Yo bro,
Decided to create quick video response to your topic as my experience overlap with your situation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vF8GkClZNzI
Cheers,
[deleted] 2y ago
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Guyandtheroadtovictory 2y ago
Yes, I see that focused too much on that best/worst situation. Thanks, appreciate it!