TL/DR - my full story about first LTR and why I lost it. Got girl, got childhood traumas, stopped doing anything in life, lost girls after finally falling in love.

English is not my first language, so...u know the drill.This is a post for me as I need to start journal as to get some harsh words from you guys. I’ll try to keep it short, but its kinda long story as it involves my mind operating in different stages of relationship.

Getting girl

To explain title - I’m 25. Met this girl last August. It was my first GF, virgin before. Even tho i just got fired from job I had planty of cash, good body, feeling confident finally in my life. Confident in myself, confident in finally getting some girls. Actually believing it. And it happened fast. Met this on campus, we got it fairly quickly. Invited her to concert, kissed, later fucked. We kept it casual, she was fun to be around, but i didn’t planned to LTR her as in my mind i wanted get something from life after such a long time. Then she hit me with ultimatum - either your with me, or we’re done. Was so surprised by this question, we were just fucking right? And it provoked something in me…

So I guess i had a childhood trauma. My father was an alcoholic, I watched as he sometimes hit my mother. So i promised i dont want to hurt anyone like that, and i was kinda afraid of relationships. Told her that, said I need time, that we’re doing good together, and let’s see what it brings. She understood and said its ok. But week later same ultimatum happened, and i didn’t want to lose her.

Relationship

Sometime after we got together dramas started. Week by week, like in a clock. I felt hurt, that for my commitment i get constant arguments. But some time passed, and she came to me apologizing on her own. That she was afraid that I’ll be like her abusing ex, but seems that I’m not like that, and she is sorry. I said cool, understandable, I can’t be mad at her if that was the cause. Seems logical.

Little about her - no father, 2 suicide attempts, bpd, 14n count(2 boyfriends - well she said she wanted to fuck so she did it, can't blame her i would do the same if i could :D) - all confirmed by her. At first her n count scarred me, tho i agreed to LTR. But over time she proved to treat me right, so it wasn’t on my mind anymore. 2 months we were fine, then drama started again. That I’m not spending time with her(i preferred to go to gym, to sit on my own, to go with boys), that I’m not complimenting her(i’ve read on trp that you can’t compliment woman - now i think it was a comfort test) Then we went on a 4 day trip, and we had 4 days drama. My mind couldnt handle it. On one hand she was telling me all the relationship that she cares about me, that im so good, but yet we had drama all the time. This time this was the reason: I asked her about her exes all the time, i wanted all the details. I was so consumed by it that i was disgusted by her. Only after I saw her in tears it hit me what a piece of shit i am to her. Apologized, never asked about it ever again. She also gave me access to her phone, so I checked it. And found that she still has application that she swore she removed account from. Some sort of tinder for bdsm ppl. But i believe her, she really was always honest with me and it hit her with surprise. She wouldnt give me access to it knowing the app was still there. But we came back, dramas started. I wanted to break it off. She wanted to have another chance. I immediately told her yes, i felt relief. She explained what that drama was about. She felt neglected, like i dont want her, not accepted, she was trying, buying me gifts, that i wasn’t involved in relationship. And oh gods, it was all true. I did all of those things. If that was the case for drama I couldnt be mad at her. We decided to treat eachother better. Tho 3 days later i said some harsh words, didn’t mean it, it wasn’t even in anger but she had enough Through all of relationship I treated her like she was my enemy. Everything she said i felt like i need to defend. Even if she wanted to talk normally to me. I was with someone and i didn’t believe her even once that she wanted to be with me. After she broke off for the first time I understood what the fuck i am doing wrong. Why I’m afraid of relationship. That i had walls to not get feels, as i didn’t wanted to get hurt. Even got her flowers. But she said she didn’t want to come back. For one week i was obsessing over her, I felt like someone close died, it felt horrible. Decided to write to her one last time my feelings and she responded immediately, wanting to talk.

We meet up, decided we want one more chance, but i said i dont want to get back to old relationship, that we need to start fresh. It lasted 2 weeks. All that time she said she dont trust me, that she cant trust me. But 1,5week in we went on some meetup. I looked my best, she was holding my hands, saying its good im back. I said that’s nice but probably she will brake up again jokingly.

And yeah, few days later she broke it off, after we had some political argument day before and when i wanted to go to her place(but she said she was wrong about calendar and had lessons till 9pm), next day to gym. So i said is it ok to go another day, as i wanted to go to the gym. And it started. That i dont have job, that we have different views, that we are so different, that nothing changes, that we are toxic to each other, that its better if we brake it off. Ok… another week of obsession. And tbh fellas, i felt in love. And i said it to her week after. But she said she dont have feelings for me, that while getting back she tried to change it, but it just isn’t there and that she is sorry. Well it was emotional, cried a little, said i understand, that i wish her luck and we split ways in good maner.

But yeah, im feeling like shit, and after a week i thought i was over her. Yesterday i saw her on campus, she was doing work ther, she works for TV. When we were walking past, look at each other, then she started interviewing students who were with me. So i stood aside, waiting for her to end, so we can say few words to each other. But then she just looked other way and went off. I felt like i got spit on… we broke it off in a good terms, now i felt like a complete stranger. Maybe she thinks that i didn’t say hi or felt bad too? Or maybe dint want to deal with me.

Anyway thats my story. I felt like i won girl due to TRP, then lost her due to missuing it and due to my brain problems and childhood drama. I felt like i missed her, when she was open and affectionate towards me. I felt like shit during relationship, had depression(like now lol xd), i was nothing like man she met on first day. Maybe that was the problem too...Tbh i don’t blame her if that was the case…And yeah I miss her. She has great personality, great sense of humor and is rly smart. I lost it cause i undervalue and ignored her… I want her back, tho i know its impossible.

Sorry for the wall of text, thanks for comments.