Hello fellow RPers.
Entered a relationship about a month ago, intended for LTR. Overall I'm satisfied as she's contributing more to me than the other way and acting sweet and not complaining around (my presence is enough). But now she doing stuff which isn't bad enough for hard/soft next but yet it's bugging me. Example: She broke with her ex about 2 months ago (after 3 years of LTR), rarely mentions him and is pretty much over him (at least when she's with me), she had to return him some stuff so she informed me and they met at a park near their houses, talked about an hour, cried a little (both lol) and left.
Now for my question - I honestly don't think it's considered bad behavior (unless you convince me otherwise) so there's no react needed. At the same time I just don't like the idea she's seeing him so my first taught was to set up a boundary something along the lines of: "I don't like you seeing your ex, you should see him only for logistic stuff (return belongings) or if there's an emergency" (aka not for pleasure or sitting in a park for an hour talking about stuff.
The problems:
First - it feels like every boundary is an ultimatum which says: yeah I'm vulnerable / You can hurt me / I'm jealous = don't do it because it's a threat to me - this will ruin frame
Second - I don't know if stuff like this should be at all handled by boundaries like mine / boundaries rephrased otherwise / No boundaries at all but maybe frame/dread - but I don't know how it delivers the message.
Then I meet the problem that I didn't really encounter TRP big pro-boundary posts, So links would be appreciated. Same goes for another man she is in mild contact with on Instagram, she claims they are friends for a long time and there was a phase where there was sexual tension but it passed. Again, nothing out of the ordinary (she's allowed to have male friends/orbiters I guess?) but yet it's disturbing me and I don't know if my feelings are the problem and I should let her loose - understanding it's only my turn and if she leaves that's not a problem at all. Or I should enforce boundaries but that way acknowledging he is a threat in both our understanding.
Harry-Azcrac 3y ago
Whether it is bad or not is irrelevant. You must firsts et your own boundaries with yourself. Figure out internally what she is and isn't allowed to cross. You must understand you are better than her. She is nothing without you but that isn't your problem.
When it comes to her seeing her ex, who cares? If it does bother you and that is a boundary, then remove your attention from her. Attention is oxygen for women, she obviously cares about you and values you, so removing attention would freak her out, cause her to forget about other guys and she will ride you all day. Verbal boundaries are not ideal because it does indeed show you are vulnerable and think of him as a threat. You have no threats, you shouldn't fucking care. You are the best of the best. If she is going to do something you do not approve of, remove attention from her. Do not tell her what she can and can't do or what you dislike her to do. If she is going to cross that boundary, do not tell her, fuck her. You have better things to do than worry about that. Remove attention from her and onto more important things like you job, working out, you goal.
One thing many men neglect when in a LTR is female friends. GET SOME! You should be texting them as much as your girlfriend. She will notice this and become jealous, which will cause her to suck you off more because now she thinks she knows you have options. Never let her look at your phone, ever. Having friends who are chicks will allow you to hang out with them as she is hanging with her ex. It will make her jealous and she will understand what you're doing. But always have chicks on the side. She sees a girls name pop up on your phone and you say "it's nothing" will fucking kill her. She will think about it all the time and whether or not you actually have options on the side, she will think you do.
Expressing your boundaries shouldn't be verbal. When she crosses a boundary you simply stop caring about her and start focusing and doing more of whatever you want. If there is a cute blonde, go talk to her, hit on her. Your not doing this to get back at your girl because that is a pussy move. You are doing it because you want to. Because your girl crossed a boundary making her mean less in your eyes causing you to go fuck around. Nobody is a threat to you because you're the best. If she wants to talk with those guys, great, you have other chicks on your mind as well.
One more things. If she was crying with her ex, implying he was crying too, I fucking promise she is never going to go for him if you maintain your frame and show you are a man. Her ex is a fucking pussy to cry with her. A damn little pussy bitch who will never again see the likes of her pussy. Beta orbiters can't bother you ever either. They are inferior, and your girlfriend WANTS you to react. Fuck her and the orbiters. Leave them be. You must identify your own boundaries first, then act accordingly without emotion.
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