Maintaining power, self-worth, and SMV during the course of a relationship | TheRedPill

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Grand_Chancellor

Posted 6y ago in Uncategorized - Permalink - Locked - 49 Views

For a little background, I have been lurking TRP for about two years now and think it's time to share some guidelines about maintaining power, self-worth, and SMV within a relationship.

Context

Me: Mid-twenties, grew up poor, elite education, started my own business. 7/10 gross rating but +1 for making 6 figures

Her: Mid-twenties, smart, ambitious, has an intuitive sense of AF/BB, level 99 mommy/daddy issues, loves to be dominated. 7/10 gross rating but +2 for regularly bringing her GFs over for threesomes

It goes without saying that you should never enter a LTR unless you are clearly and consistently benefiting from the dynamic. If you are no longer reaping the benefits, then you need to figure out what happened and correct things or cut ties. Depending on what has happened, the solution may be improving your SMV, sharpening your game, implementing dread game, or a mix of all three. Remember that never losing respect in the first place is much easier than clawing it back. This may seem like common sense, but I see way too many posts about guys losing 3, 5, 10 prime years to a shitty LTR.

Make sure she always understands you are doing her a favor by being with her

Do not enter a LTR relationship until she proves her worth with sex, humor, comfort, financial resources, cooking, cleaning, etc.
Let a potential LTR know you just got out of a relationship and/or you aren’t really a relationship guy unless the girl does XYZ. Great way to plate a girl who doesn’t want to comply. Easy way to ensure you are getting what you want out of your LTR. If she doesn’t follow through on XYZ it’s a very easy way to cut ties cleanly.
Do not enter a LTR relationship with her if she won’t do sexual things with you that she did with her other partners
Do not be afraid to explicitly tell her that you will not tolerate poor behavior
Make her apologize and list what she did wrong when she makes mistakes
Make her admit to being irrational or hormonal when she is
Subtly remind her of your position on the food chain when she misbehaves e.g. “other guys may be willing you put up with this BS but I am not. You need to grow up”
Temper your affection and amount of time you spend with her based on her good/bad behavior
Do not be afraid to withhold sex or fuck her and solely be concerned about your own pleasure
If you are never in a position to withhold sex then she is getting it elsewhere and/or you are garbage at fucking her

Do not listen to what she says but rather pay attention to what she does

This is the only real way to see whether or not she has internalized and embraced that being with you is a privilege
Does she get annoyed and defensive when you tell her to get off her phone?
Does she say that she loves you or does she massage your back, cook you food, and give you a BJ after a long day?
Does she just keep saying that she wants to make your fantasies a reality or does she convince her best friend she needs a taste too?
How she speaks about you is only relevant when she does not know you’re listening e.g. what does she tell her friends, parents, the guy hitting on her at the bar etc. about you

Be prepared to walk away from the relationship

Having expectations for her behavior doesn’t mean shit if you’re not willing to walk away if she starts acting up
If she talks shit about you behind your back to her guy friends and girl friends you need to drop her. Unfortunately, there is no tactful way to handle this situation since if you confront her about it you’ll come off as crazy and controlling or a whiny bitch. Don’t feel bad since if she’s the girl that speaks poorly of you behind your back to the people in her life it’s only a matter of time until they all turn against you so the relationship is doomed anyway.
Use phrases that will trigger the fuck out of her while you remain stoic e.g. “You know, we’ve had an incredible time together but…” “Unfortunately your behavior lately just isn’t something I am willing to put up with…” “Wishing you the best”
If you trigger her appropriately she’ll start begging for you back and you can easily reinstate her as an LTR if she promises to be on her best behavior or just as easily demote her to plate

Do not let her police your thoughts or actions. Ever. Shut it down fast. Shut it down hard

May seem obvious but this can creep up on non-natural alphas
Do not let her control if/when you go out, do not let her guilt you into not working as much, do not let her guilt you into not working out, do not let her guilt you into buying her shit, do not let her guilt you about being attracted to other women
If you try to police her thoughts or actions you just become the super controlling boyfriend so do not bother – just prevent her from limiting your own actions/thoughts
Just think, would she would say shit to Chad if he watched some random girl’s perfect ass walk to the bathroom?

Do not be afraid to make up the occasional story about a HB8 from work, the gym, your favorite bar etc. that wants you

If these situations don’t actually happen to you it may be an indication that your SMV is slipping and you need to improve
If she doesn't believe your stories then her respect for you has already diminished considerably

Remind her of shitty things she’s done in the past

Make sure you are not mad, annoyed, or showing any signs of contempt
You should come off as stoic or slightly playful but she should get the sense you do not approve
Most effective if it relates to her past with men
Easy mode: Haha, that guy looks kind of like Connor. Remember when you told me you were into guys with pierced ears?
Savage mode: Damn, Sasha just stole Brooke’s boy. Didn’t you steal a guy from Brooke once too?

Make sure you don’t let your SMV drop

Check your weight every week and if you’re not bulking but still gaining weight then add a day or two of gym and cut any excess carbs
If your salary hasn’t been increasing by at least 5% on average a year over the few years then start applying for other positions
If you have a white collar job do not sleep on custom fit clothes since they are great motivation to maintain

Permalink

[deleted] 6y ago

Some good stuff in this post but some of the other stuff is basic definitions of emotional abuse and manipulation in a relationship, and with it brings toxicity. By acting like this you are only going to attract and keep the kind of emotionally deranged and damaged woman that many of you all rail against.

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Grand_Chancellor 6y ago

I mean...Can you really blame her for not liking the feeling of it? You seem pretty obsessed with this fantasy to be completely honest which is probably pretty off-putting to her. No worse smell to a women than desperation. Because you seem to want it so badly she probably thinks you're going to want it all the time once you get it...

Like I said before, don't push it. Let her bring it up in time. If she doesn't do so within your preferred time frame then move onto other fantasies...

whatsthisgarg 6y ago

This is mostly really good stuff, and a superb compilation of TRP principles. Also great format. If any of you guys want to make a post, look at the formatting.

I have decades more experience than you, so I do have to take exception to one particular point:

Do not be afraid to explicitly tell her that you will not tolerate poor behavior

and pretty much the same points here:

Make her apologize and list what she did wrong when she makes mistakes

Make her admit to being irrational or hormonal when she is

Subtly remind her of your position on the food chain when she misbehaves e.g. “other guys may be willing you put up with this BS but I am not. You need to grow up”

That shit might work the first few times, with a young woman, but it is not a sustainable strategy.

Women don't want to take responsibility for their actions. So when you tell her that what she did was unacceptable, she's going to turn it onto you. YOU are the one with the problem, not her.

Another way to see it: You didn't mention boundaries. I have written about this before. You need to HAVE boundaries, not SET boundaries (because that is artificial), and if she crosses those boundaries, you don't tell her about it. You SHOW her about it.

When you TELL HER she crossed boundaries, what SHE HEARS is I am a man who can't maintain boundaries. I am not a man who is worthy of respect. If you were a man who could maintain boundaries, she wouldn't have crossed them! It's always your fault. That's how women communicate.

The better way is to simply give her a dirty look and freeze her out, to whatever extent. If she doesn't come around, she's not worth the effort. Any particular woman isn't special. There are millions more out there.

Relationships are hard work is some BLUE PILL BULLSHIT. You don't work on the relationship, you work on yourself. She follows, or she walks.

LandoChronus 6y ago

Relationships are hard work is some BLUE PILL BULLSHIT. You don't work on the relationship, you work on yourself. She follows, or she walks.

I can't remember a time I read one line that summarized the red pill applied to a relationship this perfectly.

This is gospel.

whatsthisgarg 6y ago

Relationships are hard work is some BLUE PILL BULLSHIT. You don't work on the relationship, you work on yourself.

And I can tell you this works on a many-year long-term basis, not just the short run.

On a related note, I totally disagree with the RP orthodoxy about women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. My life experience has shown that to be nonsense.

First, get buff and you find that women want sex FROM YOU. She's not "giving" you sex, it's the other way around. Second, there is never a need for commitment from the man. SHE gives the commitment, you don't. If she doesn't like it, too bad.

Alphadestrious 6y ago

Sidebar legendary material.

[deleted] 6y ago

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whatsthisgarg 6y ago

can you expand on the "You SHOW her about it" part? i think this is something many struggle with

yeah, there is no silver bullet, and you might have to deal with this for a long time, possible forever. YOU have to decide if it's worth it. I say that, because I still have to do this with my woman and we've been together for decades; but it still works, she still comes around very quickly, there's more time between problems, and it seems like she gets better and more compliant every time, so it's worth it to me.

Here's what I have to deal with: My woman sometimes has stupid food habits, something like licking her fingers (unconsciously). I found that I fell into a push/pull on this (this was all subconscious, and when I realized I was doing it I had a good laugh at what a natural I was).

Push: the dirty look, and I mean look at her like she is disgusting me. She really doesn't want to disgust me, so she stops, and doesn't do it again for a long time. I don't let her back in my good graces immediately, though.

Pull: if she has very recently given me head, or I have come on her face, and she does the licking finger thing, I say that's okay, if she's going to have my cum in her mouth or on her face, I tell her I can associate those together. She is amused and happy like a little girl, but she still stops the gross food habit. This wouldn't work to stop the bad behavior if I HAD NOT already established the dirty look, at an earlier time.

If she does something dumber, she gets the dirty look AND some free time without my affection. It NEVER takes more than a few hours for her to come around, and she is sweeter than before.

This reminds me of a really fun adventure from many years ago. I have told this story on here before and was hilariously excoriated for it by some anonymous internet douchebag moralizer.

I ditched a chick I had been ~~dating~~fucking for about a month in a foreign city because she got a huge ugly attitude about something. We were on acid, she said something stupid, I just walked away. It was the next town over, and I just got a ride home with some friends, did not worry or care how she might freak out. She came over to my place the next day; no words were said, no other problems were had. See /u/TrenGod37 comment about walking away (currently directly below this, on my screen). Shit works.

TrenGod37 6y ago

be prepared to walk away form the relationship.

I'd say this is by far the most important thing. In my experience. You can get away with a lot if you not only can do this. But she knows you will. I've never been dumped and I've done a lot of things that are considered a no no on here and blatantly get away with it. All because I don't care and I'm willing to walk away without a worry in the world (and a mix of high smv). She knows this too and wonders how I can. But it doesn't matter because it keeps her in line

iBchyllen247365 6y ago

My girl decided to start drama out of nowhere when I was feeling perfectly fine, having a great time.

I'm actually a bit of a dickhead so most times she calls me out, I'm usually doing some dumb shit so I deescalate quickly.

In this particular instance, she was completely unfounded. I just left the club. Left her in another state. Didn't text for 4 days. She hits me up, I go to talk with her and it's like night and day. She apologized, was mad respectful, gave me head...

Ever since then she has shown 10x the respect for me than she ever has. For her to not just think I'd walk away, but for her to actually see it happen and experience the rejection... works wonders.

In our post-event talk I made it clear that I try to keep a bullshit-free mind and my time is too valuable to spend it trying to argue over non-existent shit.

I don't even talk to her about her feelings or anything anymore. This is great... less bullshit to hear. When you show you care about them, they treat you like shit anyway. Double win.

The most important part is that I believe and really mean everything I say. She will smell if you're acting.

I really don't have time for stupid bullshit.

jackie0o0h 6y ago

Make sure she always understands you are doing her a favor by being with her

Any self respecting female will shut that down quick. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who's acting like they've got better things to do.

Do not enter a LTR relationship with her if she won’t do sexual things with you that she did with her other partners

Wanting to know about or telling a partner about past sexual endeavors is strange from both angles.

Do not be afraid to explicitly tell her that you will not tolerate poor behavior

This I agree with but there is a give and take. You can teach a girl not flip out by walking away or even matching her in your reaction but women have mood swings that are sometimes not easy to control. Let her know to be forthcoming when she's feeling particularly irritable that way if she does blurt out something obnoxious it won't upset you as much.

Make her admit to being irrational or hormonal when she is

There you go.

Subtly remind her of your position on the food chain when she misbehaves e.g. “other guys may be willing you put up with this BS but I am not. You need to grow up”

I don't think it's necessary to bring up other men or growing up. If you're consistent and reasonable in what you will not tolerate she will learn. The last thing she wants is for you to leave angry with her.

Do not be afraid to withhold sex or fuck her and solely be concerned about your own pleasure

You can have the most loyal girlfriend in the world but too much of that will make her stray.

This is the only real way to see whether or not she has internalized and embraced that being with you is a privilege

This is true. If they want to be around you they will be around you.

Does she say that she loves you or does she massage your back, cook you food, and give you a BJ after a long day?

Sometimes if a female doesn't want to give you BJs it's because you take too long. If it takes you 20 minutes to get off from oral you're asking alot.

How she speaks about you is only relevant when she does not know you’re listening e.g. what does she tell her friends, parents, the guy hitting on her at the bar etc. about you

If she loves you and feels taken care of and is trusting you to steer the relationship she's not talking badly about you... unless you're bad in bed or have a small penis. Some of her girlfriends will know.

Use phrases that will trigger the fuck out of her while you remain stoic e.g. “You know, we’ve had an incredible time together but…” “Unfortunately your behavior lately just isn’t something I am willing to put up with…” “Wishing you the best”

If you trigger her appropriately she’ll start begging for you back and you can easily reinstate her as an LTR if she promises to be on her best behavior or just as easily demote her to plate

This could easily backfire on you. Never break up with someone you don't really want to lose.

May seem obvious but this can creep up on non-natural alphas

Do not let her control if/when you go out, do not let her guilt you into not working as much, do not let her guilt you into not working out, do not let her guilt you into buying her shit, do not let her guilt you about being attracted to other women

A none clingy girl will be fine with you having your own life but if you're going to be late shoot a text. Nobody wants to sit around waiting on someone.

Do not be afraid to make up the occasional story about a HB8 from work, the gym, your favorite bar etc. that wants you

I wish I could convey to you how simple it is to have a woman wrapped around your finger without making her insecure. A true alpha can have a happy LTR waiting for him at home and a side girl.

Remind her of shitty things she’s done in the past

Do you want her to do that to you?

Most effective if it relates to her past with men

Once again. What guy inquires about these things?

There are ways to be in total control without lying, manipulating, and playing mind games. You have to give respect and demand it back. Take care of her and make her feel secure and you will be surprised at the things you can get away with not doing... if you really want to manipulate without gaslighting her find a sweet girl who doesn't care about money and give her a credit card. Slowly up the ante until she forgets how to be independent and pay off just enough to where she only thinks you've given her financial freedom. Before you know it you can go out after work every night and come home when you feel like it.

Grand_Chancellor 6y ago

Any self respecting female will shut that down quick. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who's acting like they've got better things to do.

It's not about "acting" like they've got better things to do. If you have to "act" like you've got better things to do, then you actually don't. It's about understanding the worth of your time. Very rarely do you find a relationship where things are actually split 50/50. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, it's usually pretty obvious which person's time is more valuable in a relationship at a particular point in time.

Wanting to know about or telling a partner about past sexual endeavors is strange from both angles.

Are some women actually delusional enough to believe you shouldn't ask about their sexual pasts? Yeah, let me go ahead and make a girl my LTR that has sucked off a dozen guys in concert bathrooms. Oh you got fucked by two different dudes you had just met at a party a couple months back? Sure, come over and meet my parents next weekend. Oh you were getting railed by two of my good college buddies back in the day? Can't wait for the reunion! Sure, she may lie about her sexual past depending on how she thinks you perceive sexual promiscuity when you ask, but at least you'll have cause to terminate the relationship once you figure out if she's lying.

Sometimes if a female doesn't want to give you BJs it's because you take too long. If it takes you 20 minutes to get off from oral you're asking alot.

You completely missed my point by a mile. It's not about her giving oral or anything I mentioned in my list. It's about understanding that her actions mean 10000x more than what she says. When you had a really rough day does she say "Aw sorry babe, you know I love you!" and then go back to binge watching Netflix, or does she offer to do something special for you. The point being, read into a women's actions, not words.

I wish I could convey to you how simple it is to have a woman wrapped around your finger without making her insecure. A true alpha can have a happy LTR waiting for him at home and a side girl.

The only reason to EVER be insecure in a relationship is if your SMV or value provided to the relationship is lower than your partners. Insecurity is a NATURAL part of a relationship that tells you a part of yourself is either not up to your own standards OR what you think your partner's standards are. Insecure about your stomach? One of natures ways of telling you to go to the fucking gym. Feeling insecure about getting fired and being unemployed? Natures way of telling you to get your shit together. Feeling insecure overall in the relationship? Provide more value to the relationship or improve your SMV. The only time insecurity shouldn't come into play is when it's something they cannot possibly change.

By the way, a true alpha keeps to his word. It's actually pretty beta to say to your girl that you're in a committed monogamous LTR and then go behind her back and sleep with a side chick. You would be livid if she did the same. If a true alpha wanted to fuck other girls he would:

Not enter into an LTR
OR make it clear beforehand that he is allowed to sleep around and she isn't
OR he would insist that MFF threesomes be part of the relationship.

rythmicforay 6y ago

Very good breakdown here! Agree with OP about knowing what you want before agreeing to LTR but something's just went beyond owning your role in a relationship and looped all the way around to insecure. Treating her like your doing her a favor Caring about how she fucked other guys before you Not fucking her and expecting her to stick around horny Trying to trigger her (hoping she gives a fuck) Trying to make her jealous, even if it means lying Remind her of shitty things she's done in the past cuz "fuck her anyway right?" Know what you want and the qualities in a woman that make you wanna put your time and effort into a LTR don't be afraid to tell her what you expect and your boundaries you will not tolerate being crossed. Don't be an insecure tool about it though.

jackie0o0h 6y ago

Thanks. I can't imagine what guys go through trying to figure us out because alot of times we don't know what we want.

I used to steam roll over my boyfriends. I didn't want to have to tell them what I needed when it should have been obvious to them from my point of view. Very immature in hindsight. I was perpetually hurt about something they weren't doing.

I finally met a guy who knew how to make me feel important without seeming infatuated. He's not very affectionate and never says I love you but he almost has this sense of honor and duty when it comes to making sure my needs are met.

He's not going to tell me to call a cab if my car breaks down on the road. He also always makes me feel welcome to join him wherever he goes. I like my friends better so we end up doing our own thing but always being welcome is nice. We never fight. Not because he never pisses me off but if I go off on him he will flip out and leave. You learn to bite your tongue very quickly.

I honestly thought I was going to spend my life always thinking my SOs weren't good enough but I managed to find an imperfect individual that I'm comfortable to let steer the ship. I didn't need someone to submiss to me. I needed to be conquered.

I just want people to know alpha doesn't equal asshole. In fact I've seen what happens when those guys start aging and it's really sad when an ex womanizer is begging for dates on facebook.

rythmicforay 6y ago

Ive been in a great LTR for 9yrs or so now and this is very true that he's not actively trying to treat me like shit but when I go off on him and it's pretty much just me being obnoxious to be right, the look on his face and tone of not putting up with my shit shuts me up pretty quickly. I respect him more for not just saying yes "honey" "ok honey" That last part made me think of men I know like that instantly, they weren't always pathetic and bitter but became that way from not doing anything for themselves for years. Also know your age and how to avoid being the sexless in keeper at this stage. (That makes me sad)

Kingosaze 6y ago

Yea this poster sounds like a control freak. When you have boundaries she has to consider your value every time she considers crossing your boundaries. A woman who respects you will respect your boundaries.
If you are putting that work in the bedroom and the office and maintaining your confidence you don't really need to do anything else.

One place I'll agree is that you can't waver when she wants you to stay home or work less or be lazier. She fell for you cause your a fuckin boss, listening to her wants will take you further away from the person she's attracted to. She doesn't know what she wants, she wants her cake and she wants to eat some too. That's why she has you though, you don't pay any attention to what she thinks about how you live your life.

Taking charge of your own outcomes isn't the same as treating others like shit, it's just not being flexible or accommodating to opinions about you that don't come from you.

rythmicforay 6y ago

Relevant and true... https://youtu.be/6KzCfIYArmQ

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doremix 6y ago

This list sounds like a slave-training manual. This part:

Remind her of shitty things she’s done in the past

is psychological abuse. Why would you put down a person like that?

[deleted] 6y ago

Remind her of shitty things she’s done in the past

This is female arguing technique 101. Ask a woman why they do it. They ALL do it.

I wouldn't necessarily do this as it explaining rather than demonstrating and makes it look like she got to you.

But yes, taken far enough it is abuse and it's exactly how women justify their shitty behaviour a lot of the time.

bobjoe177 6y ago

lol @ the dread game part near the bottom about making up IOIs from other women. I actually had a previous LTR become angry with me when I said that a girl she thought wanted me wasn't into me. At the time it made no sense, she was clearly pissed and I couldn't see why. In retrospect through an rp lens I think that she was disgusted by the thought that other women didn't want me.

[deleted] 6y ago

Is It Worth It?

And that is why after 38 years and being a serial monogamist thru the TRP lens for most of my adult life.... has taught me one thing. While correct, is it worth it? Is your ROI worth it? I dont think so.

I've been TRP since 2000, getting stronger every year. Currently I have a stunner thats 13 years my junior. I've applied these and more. Dude it doesn't matter. There is a life cycle of 3-7 years of happiness before she'll just burn it to the ground. She is the reason I dont believe in NWALTs. SHes actually an amazing person. A really good human being. I've been really upfront with her since day one. She understands the red pill because her mother drove her father to suicide. If there ever was going to be an NWALT shes it man. Seriously, Im not slow to these things. She has so many asserts that are amazing... BUTTTTTTTT at the end of the day she cant help herself. She watched her mom and absorbed too much. Despite doing as you suggest... it has failed. Mostly because Im bored and dont want to work so hard at a LTR. It should be easy to me. AWALThis, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday... you cant be this rock all the time. It's tiring.

If you are never in a position to withhold sex then she is getting it elsewhere and/or you are garbage at fucking her

This is the only point that I really disagree with here. This is narrow minded for womens nature. My LTR is not getting anything elsewhere. If I need to go into details I will. She doesnt have the time. We are home bodies. I'm also fucking her right. I'm the best lover shes had... Do I need details? She's been in the room more than once when her friend or another woman said out loud, "oh, he knows whats hes doing."

My contention here is that women lose desire for sex over the years while in a LTR. Doesnt matter shes young. Doesnt matter that Im good. It's not a priority for her. We have talked about it. I've taken the RP approach. Doesnt matter. I can fuck her any time I want but its just not worth it anymore. If I fuck her really good once a week, three times a month, she is good. She doesnt need more sex. I find this with most women in LTRs. I do agree that if I stopped fucking her good out of punishment she would seek some Chad elsewhere but I doubt she would lie about it.

[deleted] 6y ago

wish I had read this before I went in to a crazy good and bad relationship with my ex. Didn't last long because I'm very bad at putting up with BS, and she was also a hardcore SJW. So maybe I did the right thing. But maybe it would all have been much smoother had I read that. Can't tell

Also you seem to describe my ex incredibly well.

Mid-twenties, smart, ambitious, has an intuitive sense of AF/BB, level 99 mommy/daddy issues, loves to be dominated. 7/10 gross rating but +2 for regularly bringing her GFs over for threesomes

Family issues is the biggest red flag to me. Can't deal with that, I'm sorry. She also didn't trust me enough for 3somes aha, I didn't stay with her long enough to prove her she could bring her friends home. The only one I've met was extra skinny tho, not my thang

all in all a very nice read and saved it, because this is NYC and I'm expecting most girls to be like yours/my ex.

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Grand_Chancellor 6y ago

Anal is a really tricky subject. Did she only do it once with that guy? Or was it a consistent thing?

If she only did it once with him, she may not have really enjoyed it, in which case you're an asshole if you press her for it. Even if she did it more than once with him, you may be bigger which might make it less appealing on her end.

I would try subtly to get to the bottom of why you guys haven't tried it yet. If she says she's uncomfortable or it will hurt etc. then calmly move on and ask for a sexual fantasy of equal or greater value to you e.g. a MFF threesome.

[deleted] 6y ago

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Grand_Chancellor 6y ago

Did she give you any context as to why it makes her uncomfortable? Did you ask her why she did it with him but it makes her uncomfortable with you? If you didn't already ask her that, I would advise against bringing it up again. I really wouldn't press the issue since I can see why it would be uncomfortable for her after all... Like I said, have a discussion about sexual fantasies and if she's not interested in that one, ask about one of equal or greater value to you.