This is Part One of the story of how I rescued myself from my divorce, and was reminded of the enduring principles of TRP by breaking my favorite plate, but had a blast doing it. Strap in.


Intro

It was 2pm on a Thursday. Earlier that week, I filed divorce papers at the local courthouse. I was in a Bad Place. I was "working from home" which really meant I was doing only the bare essentials, with a nighttime plan that could be summarized as "drink heavily by myself, jerk off, and probably cry like a bitch."

Like I said, it was a Dark Fucking Period sans the fucking. Or at least, it was going to be, until...

2:30 PM - The Chat

My work IM alert goes off. It's my buddy JC.

"When are you coming tonight bro?"

See, it was the big boss's retirement party that day. I was planning not only to stay at home like a bitch but ALSO fail to show face at this sacred burial. Anyone who has worked in CorporateLand knows this is Not A Good Look.

I type some woe is me bullcrap about the divorce, the long drive and how I am a big fag, etc. JC writes back:

No. Come to this party, and we ride back together to the city. Stay at my place in [heart of the city]. I got the valet. We're going to make this into a weekend.

3:30 PM - And After the Party....

I hastily pack a carry-on, finish the nonsense I was working on, don an extra-fly suit, and jump in my car. A weird feeling washes over me. As I'm doing 90 in the left lane, I realize for the first time I haven't though about my soon to be ex-wife at all.

Around 5pm I get to the office. Retirement party starts at 6pm sharp. I pretend to work for 20 minutes and collect JC.

The retirement party is uneventful. Good showing of folks. Pleasantries exchanged over some free booze. The free booze is nice. But it's time to go.

8:00pm - ...it's the After Party

Before we leave, the collection of the Guys Who Know What's Up agree we're going to an upscale joint (clubby bar known for a rich crowd and gaggle of cougars) near the big city. The After Party is established. JC hops in shotgun, I drop the top, and we're off.

I get to spill my guts to JC on the way to the bar while we marvel at the outrageous mansions we're passing. This catharsis is useful.

As we approach the main drag, I spot the bar. Time to find a spot to par-


I put a line break here, but you should imagine a record scratch. Slowly crossing the street in front of me are two girls. Tall, Latina, both dressed up to meet someone. One is wearing these white jeans that are seared into my fucking memory.

Just like that, the light turned green; the moment was over and JC and I shared a laugh while I parked. We hop out and hit the bar....

9:00pm - It's ON!

The guys have a table by the time we arrive, since we took the scenic route. The bar is humming - DJ just started and the crowd is ready to get lit.

My boss has a Blanton's waiting for me. JC dips to the bathroom to piss his brains out. I get a little engrossed in the banter for a minute. JC is heading back and I catch his eye, point to my drink, and get the thumbs up. As I'm swinging my head over to the waitress, who the FUCK do I see but those two girls I was ogling on the street!

The Big Moment - audentis Fortuna iuvat

Remember that weird feeling I described earlier? It's still there. Fuck ordering from the waitress, sorry baby. I slam drink number one.

I'm not even thinking as I approach the bar and put myself right next to bonita con los jeans blancos. I banter with bartender a little before I order my drink. I'm not even looking at bonita or her friend, but I can feel them looking at me, just a little. My drink comes first, and after a beat I feel someone touch my left arm - and friends, I won't forget these words:

"What are ju drinking?"

Colombian accent. Attached to a hot girl. With THAT ass in THOSE jeans. Gentlemen, it was fucking ON.

It is hard to describe what "being in the zone" is like. Doesn't matter if the game is football or The Game we play with women - when you are on, it's almost trance-like. Here I was in front of a table of 10 dudes, 8 of which had no clue I filed for divorce, in the arena with this total smokeshow. I was ready.

The Main Event

JC is the man. Did I mention that? He swoops in and opens her friend as I hand him his drink. Now I'm one-on-one off the back of that IOI she just laid on me. We make our own luck, but the stars had aligned.

It was my show, and it was up to me to make or break this opportunity.

So I banter. Let's call her Vanessa for the story's sake. She does the usual interrogation, "what do you do?". I told her I just finished cleaning the bathroom. She eyeballs my suit and says "een that suit? No." Boom. IOI #2 thank you. I briefly tell the story of where we came from, we're coworkers, etc. Sidebar: I had and still have a nice job. She turns to JC and her friend (who are jabbering en espanol) and says:

¿Está mintiendo? (is he lying?)

Excellent. Shit test #1. I respond in Spanish that I didn't know she was a police officer. SHIT TEST PASSED BOYS. I look and am gringo as fuck but I know enough to be dangerous. Now I not only swatted away the test, but all eyes are back on me after I get that laugh. The table of my co-workers are clearly fixated on the spectacle of game I am putting on right before their eyes.

It was smooth sailing from here. We just flirted like two people do. I gradually escalate the banter to be more sexual, put my hand on her ass. She swats it away and "scolds" me, so I tell her fine, nothing below the belt. I then stuck my fingers in her hip belt loop and kept them there the rest of the time.

10:30pm - JC Gets Distracted

While JC is also the man, JC is also a fucking cad. In Spanish you might hear a girl yell "¡Que barbaro!" about him. When I wasn't paying attention, JC started making hard moves on a young slutty blonde in a fishnet top. Oops. Vanessa's friend is visibly annoyed. She's a bit older than Vanessa so it stings harder. It's also about time for this party to move to the city.

So I shift to the friend (who I had built some good rapport with already) and give her a dose of attention to keep the peace. Vanessa then opens my entire group of co-workers, who obviously can't resist the attention. Fuck. Shit Test #2 big time. This is getting tight. I need to own this situation. Vanessa's friend, however, tells me she thinks I am great for Vanessa, que lindo (cute), etc. Whew. I have an ally!

Time To Make the Move

I put my hand back in Vanessa's belt loop and gently pull her back over to me and her friend. I tell her we're about to get out of here, [friend] loves me, and I want her number. She says,

"Only if ju can tell me my name right now."

Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! So, this whole time it was incredibly loud in this bar. The DJ was blasting his mix. I almost froze, because I didn't know her name, I just knew sort of what it sounded like (it was a weird name). But audentis Fortuna iuvat, right? So I just sort of...make the sound at her. Quietly.

She protests. She's a little drunk. So I make the same mouth noise, but a little louder. Her friend laughs, and says loudly, "VANESSA - stop, you're being a bitch!"

With her name freshly shouted in my ear, I hand her my phone with the contacts screen after covertly typing it in the name box. I tell her "See? Now hand it over..."

I hug her friend, give Vanessa a little kiss, and we're off to the city.

PART ONE ENDS

Conclusions and tl;dr

  1. You make your own luck, but when the universe offers something up, shoot your fucking shot

  2. When you are in the zone or "in state" as the PUAs used to say, nothing can stop you. Ride out the energy of that as long and hard as you can while you have it.

  3. A good wingman will never get the girls for you, but he sure can take the pressure off

  4. Work the group, not just the girl

  5. Make allies wherever you can - she trusts her friends more than the strange dude trying to fuck her

ON THE NEXT AND LAST EPISODE OF "HOW TO BREAK A PLATE IN THREE MONTHS"

  • OP gets his first date with Vanessa (day after this takes place), and takes her out to a real club with the crew

  • OP seals the deal the next weekend and reclaims his mojo

  • OP promptly fucks it all up, but learns some crucial lessons after the fact