[\~1400 words, tl;dr at the bottom]

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When you put a frog in cold water and turn the heat on, it'll stay there until it boils alive.

I was alone one day when she went to her hometown to participate in a cosplay event. She had been visiting her parents quite a lot recently and this particular 2 week trip didn't strike me as anything out of the ordinary. That day I saw some pictures of the event. I didn't like how she interacted with one other cosplayer. That day or one day after, I received a single whatsapp: "When I return this weekend, we need to talk about our relationship".

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The next two days were the most horrible moments in my entire life. I knew in my heart what that message meant, but I couldn't reason it since the message wasn't definitive. I was quite concerned at my job because I was afraid of just breaking down in tears and not being able to explain it. Funny now that I think about it. That day, those 8 hours were the most excruciating work hours I've had. I did the equivalent of two and a half days of code just to try and get my mind off that lone message.

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That day I posted a message to subreddit rAdvice asking for help. Counsel, words of courage, words of comfort, anything really. One kind soul did give me those words. He helped me through those dark moments and helped me make up my mind. - If she didn't ask me for a divorce that day, I would ask her for it.

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We hit off with a very intense relationship. Long distance relationship for around 10 months having sex whenever we had the chance. I visited her around once every two weeks. We were both our first times. Once we got married, we moved together and lived a relatively uneventful life for a few years. Until we moved to a bigger city. There, she decided she wanted to start a bachelor degree and I went ahead with it.

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Our marriage was already quite weak, I just didn't want to admit it. Between one to two years before we separated the sex for her became very painful and we just stopped having intimacy. Even becoming aroused was painful for her. Shortly after this, she started to have more and more depression and anxiety attacks. We visited a psychiatrist for this. And the pressure from her school to attend classes and residency (she studied a health related degree) just had her in a bad mood most of the time. The sex got so scarce I actually discussed with her getting a side girl just to get my needs at some point.

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This bad mood of hers had me do one of two things always once I got home from work. Either drown in videogames, anime or take her out to dinner somewhere. We ate out between four to six times a week. See, when watching something or when we were eating, we didn't have so bad moments and we could discuss one thing or the other. When she wasn't eating, or working on something from school, she just used lots and lots of social media. Eating out so much actually strained our finances pretty bad and put me in debt. Of course, we also got quite heavy.

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That was the last year of our marriage. Day after day of videogames, eating out or doing nothing at all.

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She arrives that weekend with her parents. She gets out of the van and they leave. I knew at this point what that meant. We sit on the bed and she tells me she wants a divorce. She's been thinking about it and she's afraid she'll end up killing herself or sink me into depression with her. She picks up her things and leaves later that day. I asked her to leave me the cat. She did.

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At this point I'm left alone to pick up the pieces. No family nearby and friends are only from work, so I don't tell them until after a few weeks later. Therapists help me quite a bit here. My furry friend is now the only one I have for touch. But the asshole never lets me pick him up. I would have cut his balls again if I could have. At least he sleeps beside me at night.

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Later on, months later, through emails she tells me that someone else was trying to romance her through facebook. That she almost fell for it, but the guilt weighted too much on her and she decided it was best for both of us to go our own ways. The following days of her departure she actually contemplated going back to fix things. To rescue what we had. But as I never called her and never tried to contact her, she gave up on the idea and started the divorce process.

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As far as I'm aware, the process is still ongoing. The divorce lawsuit is quite fair actually. She doesn't want alimony and we have no kids. No properties, so that's good too. (Mexican courts can be quite feminist tho)

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I don't believe she cheated on me. Or if she did, she won't tell me to avoid hurting me. I honestly don't care at this point, but the way she is handling the divorce tells me she says the truth.

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That was three to five months ago. Picking out a meal and cooking it at home is no longer crippling. I found that since I just wanted to please her in the only way i knew how, I was always terrified of what to pick for dinner. Improving my diet was so easy I actually got surprised.

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I discovered TRP around a month after she left and the thing resonated with me so well it was actually scary. It literally described my whole marriage:

  • The sex diminished the moment we moved together.
  • The shittests that were never passed correctly and only added to her contempt
  • The desire that is never truly negotiated and might even manifest as psychosomatic disorders under enough stress
  • The beta that believes that good actions and a stable job will keep her happy
  • The beta that rebuilds his entire life around a woman after they marry
  • The beta that becomes a shadow of his former self

I'm intrigued even. I read that most men, when first pilled, go through a rage phase. I never did. Once I understood all of her actions, I knew in my heart that if there was someone responsible for the death of that relationship, it was me. It troubles me at times that I can't get mad at women, because I know that the way they conduct themselves is in their nature. It hurts even more because I feel like if I had been a better man, she would have stayed. And stayed happy for years to come. But I am happy I met this woman. Even if she wasn't the perfect relationship, I believe she put me in the right situation for growth.

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I do recognize, however, she did have daddy issues. Her dad was caught cheating and this pretty much sent her family into a crisis they never recovered from. Both emotional and financial. Her depression and anxiety also are something that did play a role into this.

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Today I'm a different man. It's been a month since I started lifting. I've lost 7kg from improving my diet alone. My work is improving. I'm talking to women differently now and they do too. I have the tiniest glimpse of a purpose, brought about by what could very well be my coming of age crisis. I'm in my early thirties and I feel better today than I've felt the past six years. My only ache right now is that I don't have someone to share this newfound feeling of wellness, but I guess that's going to pass in time.

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This field report might just be another [TRP is tru! Keep frame and lift] reminder. But I post it in the hopes that another man somewhere happens to find it and improves his life because of it. And to tell those in this community that I too have been given hope by the knowledge you have shared.

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TL;DR

Marries first towngirl down to fuck he finds, becomes game addict fat blob. Marriage goes to shit because what blue pill can maintain a happy marriage? Wife leaves. Surprisingly, doesn't get divorce raped. Finds TRP, life is better than ever

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Edit: Coming back to the title. This poster pretty much summarizes the reason I just cannot bring myself to hate this woman and I'm actually thankful for. Because for all the pain she brought me, she pretty much kickstarted my personal growth.

NeedingAdvice86 I was just thinking that the girl did what the Op was NOT man enough to do....she ended a marriage which was bad for them both. They weren't going anywhere, he had basically fucking signed out of life to be a fat, video playing slob, she either lost attraction for him or she was never very attracted to him in the first place <he was just the only\first guy who offered her a relationship and marriage> and he wasn't anything worth having as a husband so this girl manned the fuck up and ENDED IT...because we know that the Op would never have stepped up for another 10 or 15 years of misery for them both.