It's 5 in the morning and I'm just arriving home with the biggest feeling of failure I ever remeber having. Failure mixed with anger and topped with absolute shame.
Fast forward 1 or 2 months, I'm doing my thing, feeling good and decide I'm ready to test where I'm standing regarding the SMP. Now, I feel I'm stronger on social circle game, so I felt pretty at ease adding J on social media and just hitting her up. 3 days later, we're back at hers having dinner with our mutual friends and 1 week later I set the logistics and we go on a date.
Built some rapport, she tried to pay for my beer which I declined, could feel her poking my frame (first she kept insinuating I was "sensitive", a thought I entertained by pretending to be offended with the smallest things she would state. Next, she says she can never know when I'm being serious because I'm so "balanced", whatever that means. "Good, it means the pills are working" with a straight face got a good laugh out of her). I kept looking for chances to escalate, to add some kino, but despite the banter and the shit-tests, I couldn't help but feel like her body language was a bit defensive, which put me off trying for more agressive kino. It started getting late and the date had already gone for longer than originally intended, so we leave and I drive her home. This was officially a first date, so I didn't feel the need to push for anything else, figured the night was ending on a high note, which should play on my favour on the next time we hang out.
Dinner goes well, still getting interest from J, feel like I'm riding this out pretty damn well. She asks for a ride home again, which I agree to, after teasing her a bit with the thought of having her walk the whole way, and we're off.
Drive, chat, smooth sailling through some more shit testing. She's having some troubles with her laptop. She's asking me if I got work tomorrow. It's sort of early still. I can see her thought pattern form right there in front of my eyes, and lo and behold, she says exactly what I was expecting: "Well, if you have a couple minutes to spare, maybe you could come up and help me out with it?". Plausible deniability right there, she steered the convo right to that point. "Guess I'll finally have something worthy to share" crossed my mind. How naive.
We sit side-by-side and I grab her laptop and start trying to fix whatever was wrong with it (nothing was actually wrong with it, the cherry on top). Looking back, I should've sexualized the convo as a form of escalation. Could've asked where she kept her nudes or some shit. Anything would be better than actually sitting there for close to 2 fucking hours looking for the right time to make a move. Again, I couldn't shake the feeling the body language was off. She was leaning away from me, sort of slouching as I was leaning back chilling, owning the space. She wouldn't hold eye contact for too long. And I fucking froze. Kept the banter up, trying to find something to re-engage her, kept my cool demeanor, but everything came out wrong. As time went by, I could feel my window closing hard around me, but I couldn't steer the convo on the right direction nor escalate. She seemed sort of tense and I couldn't tell if it was due to the "broken" laptop or my absolute lack of initiative. My mind got cluttered. The worst part is that she kept entertaining whatever we were talking about, seemingly making an effort to keep things going on her end. She's not even trying to get me out of there due to it being pretty late on a worknight, for god's sake.
As a hail mary I suggest we watch something on the laptop to test it (and to try to get us comfortable on the couch), to which she happily obliges. So yeah, those are 40 more mins of our lives we ain't getting back.
At this point I don't know what to do and pick up my stuff and get ready to leave. Even then, she would keep going back to something we were talking about, extending the interaction. Felt like making a move after all that would just be too weak. At the same time, not making a move at all was even weaker. It was late, I was tired, I couldn't think straight. Felt like a coward, couldn't recognize myself. Still can't.
No contact for eternity.