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- Hide Preview | 29 Comments | submitted 6 months ago by animal_one [Post Locked]

Summary: I've spent the last 5 months suffering the hellish nightmare that is Oneitis, and wanted to share some lessons that I've learned.

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Body: Long story short, I caught oneitis for a girl and spent the last half of the year feeling miserable. We've all been through it, so the details are irrelevant. I'd like to share some insights I gained having gone through this experience.

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I have been listening to a spiritual audio-program by a guy that calls himself Adyashanti. About halfway through he recommends an exercise for dealing with suffering, which goes as such: When you are suffering and feeling pain, get in touch with that pain and actually speak from it. See what it has to say, and pay close attention, perhaps even writing it all down. When you've finished with that, examine what the pain said and see what story it's trying to tell. What assumptions is this pain based on? How does this pain view the world?

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When I spoke/wrote from the pain, this is what I came up with:

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"We are meant to be together. Why won't you love me? What does he (boyfriend) have that I don't? Why? Why did you do this? You hurt me. It wasn't supposed to be this way."

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Afterwards, I looked behind these thoughts to see what they were based on, and found several assumptions or beliefs that were propping the thoughts up:

-She was special and different

-She would appreciate my uniqueness

-"We" were special, our relationship or bond was special

-I can't be happy without her

-The highest level of fulfillment for a man is found in a special relationship with a woman

-'Soulmates' exist, 'spiritual' bonds between men and women exist

-She was a destination. Possessing her would end all my struggle and anxiety

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I began to look at these assumptions deeply, and ask if any of them were actually true. Was any of this true in my experience? Have I ever found fulfillment in a girlfriend? Have I ever had a 'special' relationship that ended all my suffering? Is it true that I couldn't be happy without her, or without any girl in my life? No, none of it was true, and worse still, none of these assumptions or beliefs came from my own experience. They had been implanted in me through numerous second-hand experiences: books, music, television and movies, unconscious social conditioning. This is nothing different than what has been said a million times here on TRP, and is clearly laid out in the sidebar, but there's a big difference between reading one man's interpretation and SEEING IT AND EXPERIENCING IT within yourself. I would recommend this exercise to anyone that's suffering, and especially to those struggling with oneitis.

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