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- Hide Preview | 29 Comments | submitted about a month ago by animal_one [Post Locked]

Summary: I've spent the last 5 months suffering the hellish nightmare that is Oneitis, and wanted to share some lessons that I've learned.

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Body: Long story short, I caught oneitis for a girl and spent the last half of the year feeling miserable. We've all been through it, so the details are irrelevant. I'd like to share some insights I gained having gone through this experience.

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I have been listening to a spiritual audio-program by a guy that calls himself Adyashanti. About halfway through he recommends an exercise for dealing with suffering, which goes as such: When you are suffering and feeling pain, get in touch with that pain and actually speak from it. See what it has to say, and pay close attention, perhaps even writing it all down. When you've finished with that, examine what the pain said and see what story it's trying to tell. What assumptions is this pain based on? How does this pain view the world?

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When I spoke/wrote from the pain, this is what I came up with:

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"We are meant to be together. Why won't you love me? What does he (boyfriend) have that I don't? Why? Why did you do this? You hurt me. It wasn't supposed to be this way."

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Afterwards, I looked behind these thoughts to see what they were based on, and found several assumptions or beliefs that were propping the thoughts up:

-She was special and different

-She would appreciate my uniqueness

-"We" were special, our relationship or bond was special

-I can't be happy without her

-The highest level of fulfillment for a man is found in a special relationship with a woman

-'Soulmates' exist, 'spiritual' bonds between men and women exist

-She was a destination. Possessing her would end all my struggle and anxiety

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I began to look at these assumptions deeply, and ask if any of them were actually true. Was any of this true in my experience? Have I ever found fulfillment in a girlfriend? Have I ever had a 'special' relationship that ended all my suffering? Is it true that I couldn't be happy without her, or without any girl in my life? No, none of it was true, and worse still, none of these assumptions or beliefs came from my own experience. They had been implanted in me through numerous second-hand experiences: books, music, television and movies, unconscious social conditioning. This is nothing different than what has been said a million times here on TRP, and is clearly laid out in the sidebar, but there's a big difference between reading one man's interpretation and SEEING IT AND EXPERIENCING IT within yourself. I would recommend this exercise to anyone that's suffering, and especially to those struggling with oneitis.

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[-] Augans 28 Points about a month ago

You only need to get over a oneitis once to realize that it's all baseless and meaningless. Any reasonable man would know this, if he has the ability to learn from his mistakes.

[-] [deleted] about a month ago
[-] trancedj 22 Points about a month ago

“Why do my eyes hurt?”

“Because you’ve never used them.”

Enjoy your awakening to the world of the real. Hopefully this experience will be enough for you to guard against future heartache and regret. Unfortunately for me, it took another couple tries before I found my way.

She’s never yours, it’s just your turn. When the ride ends be grateful and move on. Never believe in unicorns or nawalt’s. You can either love women, or you can understand them; not both. These are some of the lessons I’ve learned the hard way. However, today I am grateful for the experience gained. I was lucky enough to escape my blue-pill hell with most my life intact. There’s a shit-ton of men out there who are not as fortunate as me.

[-] animal_one 1 Point about a month ago

Thanks bud.

This was my first bout of oneitis since learning about TRP 5 years ago. In a way, I see it as a test that I failed. The one benefit is it showed me where I was weak.

[-] dumbass331 17 Points about a month ago

I got about 3 oneitis in my life. I'm 40. One lasted 10 years, others 5 o 6 years.

To be honest, all 3 were really special girls. Two with a PhD, another one didn't even finish highschool but was a math genius (also BPD). All were quite unique and still are, of course, I'm not denying that.

Got over them? yes. Found another one like them? fuck no, they are very special. Could replace them easily? no, it takes years. I have so much envy for men that can replace girls like they change pants. Yes I'm fucking other girls, I hardly remember their names sometimes. After many years I realized that, yes, they actually were special and very different, and as a result I can't go out with non-special girls. It's a lonely life.

[-] Builtblind 12 Points about a month ago

This does not give me hope

[-] dumbass331 9 Points about a month ago

TRP is not for giving hope. Problem is if you get oneitis with a skank. AWALT but some girls are special, there's no denying that. Also special girls make terrible LTRs.

[-] Builtblind 1 Point about a month ago

No duh its not for hope. Your post only confirms what I fear. I was 10 years deep on oneitis when I finally got her. Blew that shit up real quick and I often wonder if im stuck with it for life in some way. Sure there will be other women but the ones that are comparable are few and far between.

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"Got over them? yes. Found another one like them? fuck no, they are very special. Could replace them easily? no, it takes years. I have so much envy for men that can replace girls like they change pants. Yes I'm fucking other girls, I hardly remember their names sometimes. After many years I realized that, yes, they actually were special and very different, and as a result I can't go out with non-special girls. It's a lonely life."

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[-] reluctantly_red 1 Point about a month ago

This does not give me hope

As Mike Ness said "we don't do no happy songs".

[-] jihocech 5 Points about a month ago

Funny thing is, that girl don´t want to be someone´s oneitis, because the don ´t want to be responsible for someone´s happines.

I understand you. Have two three for several years, one of them took 10 years. Still have problem to call her oneitis instead of she-elf. Sadly i found the pill at the age of 35, married with three kids.

[-] crushplanets 5 Points about a month ago

I'm with you on this. I take care of my needs with random hook ups, but I'm always looking for the special girls where the chemistry is huge. The thing is they are hard to find and it can sometimes take years before you find them. That is why breakups for me are so impactful, I only date the special ones, so when I lose them I know what I've lost, I know they were unique, I know it may take years before I find another one.

[-] EramSumEro 12 Points about a month ago

Nice to see a prime example of personal growth on here. Your bullet-pointed assumptions illustrate the indoctrination we all have been raised to believe.

[-] snowmoose1 11 Points about a month ago

Oneitis is like a bad weed trip. If you can’t become one with the paranoia and fear you are screwed for the rest of the high. If you just accept it for what it is and just try enjoy instead then it’s all good. Bad analogy but makes sense to me.

On a real note though, everyone is special, even you and me but there are traits in everyone that are very similar to everyone. I’m talking on a deep level, not someone’s job or gym life whatever, that’s just a facade. I mean down the road you realize that they are all the same shit. Focus on yourself instead, if you can’t be happy with yourself then how you expect someone else will? LTR aren’t for those emotional people. No disrespect, i had terrible oneitis but after sometime i just came to conclusion that i have more fun doing my own shit and development or hang out with the boys and just fuck pussy without any strings attached. TRP is not just about women but it should be adopted in your daily life, at work, with friends, family etc.

[-] thepanda37 6 Points about a month ago

Now don't crucify me here, but here's a thought:

You need NOT get rid of oneitis.

You need to realize the feeling for what it is.

A longing for an ideal (of womanhood).

Which is good to have, same way it's good to long for peace, justice, perfection, wisdom, and so forth, which also all never exist materially (or in a form of one or another person).

Having such feeling very practically helps you to realize how and why any individual woman doesn't and can't measure up to it. It keeps you grounded, while allowing you to be engaged.

On the other hand, when you simply and just accept that no woman can be perfect - you're not gonna just stop caring about women. Don't fool yourself, what instead will happen is that it will actually be every woman that you'll find "perfect", and be not far from where you started.

Did our forefathers all have Oneitis with their Virgin Mary and whatever? No. They understood that there is a beautiful idea of a virgin mother and that it needs to be enforced. Now that society is in decline, it doesn't mean that you can do without it, it means that you need to enforce it individually with the women in your own life.

For that you need realize the object of Oneitis to be not more but also not less than an ideal, and love if for what it is, not merely root out the associated feelings.

[-] Dark_Lord_A 3 Points about a month ago

Having such feeling very practically helps you to realize how and why any individual woman doesn't and can't measure up to it. It keeps you grounded, while allowing you to be engaged.

I agree with this. If you have that idea of a perfect woman in your mind, it helps you interact with them because you know that most of them will never live up to the ideal. It helps you look at them and easily see their flaws, which in my experience helps with approach anxiety.

[-] throwaway-chemist 2 Points about a month ago

This differs from the general "enjoy the decline" hedonist philosophy. Your suggestion makes for a harder life.

But by comparing each woman to that prototypical ideal, you can more accurately see her flaws, and - if so inclined - train and guide her to become more like that ideal. With the right woman, in time, it's possible to approach that idea nearly enough for her to be tolerable.

Need a strong pimp hand though.

[-] jihocech 2 Points about a month ago

Every honest and goodhearted guy hes the One. Every.

[-] U-94 5 Points about a month ago

If you read enough relationship stories, either here or other subs, you'll find infinite examples from strangers all over the world suffering in situations that mirror yours exactly. You need to use that information to understand that your experience wasn't unique or special. The bond you felt is a natural process that can and will reoccur if you spend enough time around a new person. Wax on. Wax off.

[-] MrCongeniality1 5 Points about a month ago

Classic example of looking to women for validation.

You are not special. A woman will tell you that you're special if you are the best she thinks she can do at the moment. I have been told that I'm perfect, like a god even. It's all just hamstering.

Your evolutionary purpose is not to attract women. It is to gain power and resources. When you look to women for validation, you are doing the exact opposite of your evolutionary purpose as a male.

[-] TheLaughingRhino 3 Points about a month ago

I have a different take.

The standard Red Pill mantra is fuck a whole bushel ton of chicks and after you dumped load after load down throat after throat, you'll start to be desensitized to how women act and behave and their value to you.

I agree in that every man should strive to be the best version of himself and max out all of his traits FOR HIM and for the betterment of his own life, and let any women that come around be a byproduct of a life well lived.

I also believe every man should travel to a country where it's legal with consenting adults and pay for it. Pay for all of it. Take your sexual bucket list and check every last damn box off. Binge on it and get it out of your system.

But for the "Oneitis" problem, I think when you realize you are dealing with a girl in this category, the best strategy is just to hard next her to start. If a woman hits your triggers, then she hits them. You can't defend everything all at once. Just cut her loose. Thinking you can frame hack it is insane. It's like Superman making himself a necklace out of Kryponite and then trying some whacked out breathing method he learned on YouTube to try to cope.

Once you realize you cannot be objective about a woman, cut her loose right then and there and for good.

"Let there be nothing in your life, have no attachments, that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat, if you spot the heat around the corner."

A higher N count helps you see things more logically, but much of the dynamic has shit to do with logic. Just as hypergamy is built into her lizard brain, your desire for Oneitis with some specific types of girls is built into yours.

Too many guys try to out ego and Alpha roll things they should just walk away from in life.

[-] faustian_talos 2 Points about a month ago

She would appreciate my uniqueness - this. This destroyed 2 years of my life.

[-] 44361066 2 Points about a month ago

You’re missing the point. When feeling the pain caused by a oneitis, every man gets to this conclusion. What’s blocking actual internalization of your logic is feelings and an intoxicated brain. Time has healed my oneitis. Also realizing that she’s a damaged goods helped me a lot.

[-] csajhr 2 Points about a month ago

How do you get oneitis for a girl who is with another guy? How can you think a girl is the only one in the world for you when you presumable haven't even dated her?

[-] vullnet123 2 Points about a month ago

I've had a few oneitis, most of them were crushes. Not my ex. I still find myself idealizing her 2 months after dumping me. I see her as a 9:10 legit lol.

The worst part is, I'm idealizing the girl I first started dating, who was a virgin. And now since she's free from monogamy, is probably a slut.sk I'm idealizing a girl who no longer exists.

[-] ActiveAir 1 Point about a month ago

I would caution anyone that starts developing feelings for a girl (AKA Oneitis) to try to snap out of it ASAP and game other girls.

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I failed to see it. I'm swallowing the pill hard, and I'm paying the price for it.

[-] WallyHotvedt 1 Point about a month ago

Good time to review The Principles: https://illimitablemen.com/understanding-the-red-pill/game/

This is on point for this topic:

25 – Stop making black and white movies into Technicolor.

You see women as better than they are, you think she’s worth so much more than she is. In reality it is you who is ascribing this extra value to her, she does not actually possess it. As an asset you are worth more than her, your value appreciates with age whilst hers depreciates. Stop seeing women in some golden light, like her farts don’t stink and she has no bad qualities, because her shit does smell and she has plenty of fucking issues which you fail to acknowledge. Your mind deludedly constructs this false ideal to fool you into thinking she’s better than she is or even worse, that you’re not worthy [of her.]

This one too:

12 – Everybody “gets got” at some point.

You will fall in love, get your heart-broken and get fucked over, it’s inevitable and you need the experience to become a true player in the game, use your heartbreak as a learning experience to catapult yourself forwards.

I just took the L with a LTR, there is better out there. She thinks she is unique and that I'll never find better - fuck that, stupid hole, she's common as hell, millions out there who can be better than her with those same kinks I love.

Take a good look at your life, and really really know your value. Write them down, do your daily affirmations in the mirror in the morning to remind yourself how awesome you are. It gets slippery to hold on to at times, but always work to know your value. That pain? It's just feelings, they won't kill me, I'll be so much better for the experience, this isn't the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last, and I'm an old fuck. Get your heads right, start building experiences that build positive mental attitudes, get that positive feedback loop rolling.

[-] ex_addict_bro 1 Point about a month ago

“The work” by Byron Katie is what you want for dissolving false beliefs

[-] yeahiamhere 1 Point about a month ago

Thank you so much for this post. I have been in Oneitis for almost 5 years. But now its intensity has decreased due to swallowing the pill. All of this happened due to unconscious conditioning of movies, music, tv. It was so difficult at the start. But now I can say that I am awake. I am not special nor is she. Our relationship is also not special.

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