Summary: IamGale here, the psych and marketing guy of TRP, giving you a breakdown of why we like people. Why some people are able to make friends with anyone. How persuasion really works and how you can become instantly persuasive.
Today you’ll learn:
- How to make a great first impression
- How to create friends anywhere you go
- How to persuade people you don’t know
Alright, so how do we get people to like us? Well, let’s reverse engineer the situation. Think about the people you like? Why do you like them?
Let me tell you a story. I'm at a birthday party and I meet a guy named Peter. And I immediately like him. Let me tell you why. This guy is hooking up with girls left right and center. He's talking to everyone at that party, making connections everywhere. He’s just having a good time. Then he comes over to me. And he talks to me, he’s genuinely interested in my e-commerce business and then introduces me to one his cute friends and excuses himself.
We human we work off incentives. If there’s a reward for doing something we’ll teach our brains to like it. If there’s a negative incentive we’ll teach ourselves to avoid it.
Now, why do I like Peter?
I like Peter because I’m envious of his social skills. His game is amazing. He knows a lot of cute girls. He’s also a valuable resource because he can introduce me to important people which make him an important business connection. And if I didn't like him, I might get outcasted from the group so I kind of need to get along with him.
So right there, just through his actions, Peter has provided me positive and negative social and economic incentives to like him!
We don’t normally think of giving people incentives to like us, but we all do this subconsciously. Peter is now not only a guy I really like but someone I respect a great deal.
That my friend is what will you become by the end of this post.
So let’s start at the beginning.
How to Make a Good First Impression
When I first met Peter he had this incredible presence. It was just me and him (and 40 over people) but it felt intimate because of one thing.
The first thing is this:
- Great Eye-Contact
Peter had amazing eye contact. He was 100% there with you when he spoke to you and when he listened to you. He had a had firm handshake. And looked me in the eye while he was shaking my hand. If you want an example, check out this video breaking down Bill Clinton’s Eye Contact. Imagine Peter doing this at a party, and you’ll see how powerful it is.
Peter also did more subtle things. He related to me. When I told him about my e-commerce business, he mentioned how he himself had his own e-commerce before. We also related to how our mutual friend was crazy. And how like me he loved ultimate frisbee.
Now he may have been stretching it a little, but the important part here is this:
- He Created Commonalities
He made a great first impression with his presence (which comes from his eye contact, handshake, and body language) and by finding things in common with me. I felt like we were the same person. The funny thing is, I only realized this after the party. When it happens in the moment, it’s just magical.
How To Create Friends Anywhere You Go
Now following Peter’s example, I’m going to show you how you can apply this wherever you go. Think about how useful this skill is. Travelling becomes way more fun now because you can connect with anyone you meet. You start making friends and building your network. You meet more women and have more social proof at parties and event. You become the guy everyone wants to be.
To create friends anywhere you go there’s a few simple things to remember. Like Peter, you want to get in the habit of approaching people. You approach people and show a genuine interest. You find ways how you're similar to the person you're meeting.
But sometimes those strategies aren’t enough. Or you don’t have the massive social proof that Peter got from his friends at the party. What do you do then?
There are two strategies here that work really well when travelling. Here's the answer:
-
Create a deadline. For example, you say you can only stay for 5 minutes. Let the person know you can’t stay for long. This provides them an immediate comfort because you’ve set the expectations for the event. You can walk up to anyone and as long as you say you have to go in a couple minutes, you can do whatever you want. I did this tonight with a girl at the pub who was uneasy with me at first. It’s amazing how comfortable she got with me after I told her that. She instantly softened.
- Friendly Body Language. As humans, our facial expressions and emotions are universal. Even if you don’t speak the local language people will still understand your body language. That’s why this strategy is crucial when travelling. Here’s a few important things to remember. Talk with your hands! People trust you more when you use your hands. Try it. Read this passage out loud right now twice. Once without your hands, and once with your hands. You’ll notice an immediate difference. Also, keep your palms facing up. This shows that you’re friendly and non-aggressive. If you use friendly body language like this, you’ll really help yourself in making friends anywhere you go.
How To Persuade People You Don’t Know
When persuading people, always play to their self-interest. This is similar to Peter. He gave me economic and social incentives to like him.
Either through your actions or your stories you want to display that you have valuable skills and that you’re a resourceful friend to have. While this may seem shallow on the surface. We all do this subconsciously. Experimenting with telling stories about yourself that show your character in a positive light.
Do you like photography? Tell the stories behind some amazing pictures you took recently. Are you good with investing? Tell a story about a recent investment trend going and how some people are benefiting massively from it. Are you a good at fitness? Tell a funny story of stereotypes you see at the gym.
Just casually mentions things that show you in a positive light. This goes a long way in providing people economic and social incentives to like you subconsciously.
Now there’s also another important strategy that you need to know. I like to think of it as the Ben Franklin Effect 2.0. There’s a famous story about how Ben Franklin asked one of his enemies to borrow one of his books. And after his enemy lent him the book, the enemy grew fond of Ben Franklin.
It’s dubbed the Ben Franklin effect because when people do you favours they like you more.
However, there’s an even better strategy that amplifies this effect that I want to end this post on. It’s counterintuitive, but it works.
When people do you a favour they like you more. However, when people reject you they also like me more.
I know what you’re thinking, “IamGale, you’re full of shit. How does getting rejected make them like me more?” Ahh, let me tell you a secret that every great persuader knows.
Here’s the secret:
When someone rejects you, you create in guilt in them. As humans, we hate feeling guilty. To alleviate that guilt we’ll often do things we wouldn't do normally.
This is huge! I know this has happened to you multiple times. It's also why people who are persistent often get what they want in the end because we feel bad about rejecting them so often.
But this isn’t about being persistent. It’s about getting what you want. People who are really great at persuading are not only persistent, they make big asks.
This means if you want someone to lend you money. Ask them first for 10K, then when they say no. Come back and ask them for 1K. Psychologically it seems like you’re compromising and being a lot more reasonable. This makes it more likely that they’ll fulfill your request.
This works with everything!
Say you’re in school. You're getting Cs, but you want As. Here’s how you can get bumped to B or even an A without doing any extra work.
After class, go up to your professor and tell him that you want an A. Then ask him what will it take for you to get an A. It's magic.
When I was in school I did this will all my professors and 90% of the time I’d suddenly go up to an A. The other 10% I got a B. All because I made a big ask.
Do you want someone to volunteer for your event? Ask they if they can be the chief volunteer organizer for the full 3 days. When they say no, ask them to volunteer for one four shift. That second request is very likely to get accepted.
And because they’re doing you a favour the Ben Franklin effect comes into play and they like you even more! So remember, first you always make a BIG ask, then ask what you really want. Because we hate rejecting people and because we want to alleviate our guilt, we’re very likely to cave on that second request. And that's how you persuade people.
Summary:
- To make a good first impression be present, have good eye contact, a good handshake, and find commonalities.
- To quickly make friends, use time deadlines and friendly body language.
- To persuade people, give them economics, social incentives to say yes.
- And make a BIG ask first, then ask for what you really want.
Wackachaw 8y ago
Its called the "Door in the face" effect.
If you're going to self-proclaim yourself as the TRP psych/marketing guy, at least make an effort to be credible.
lakalahehe 8y ago
Deadline effect makes no sense to me. Reduces anxiety?
IamGale 8y ago
Yeah try it on your next approach. Ab test it.
[deleted]
mojo_juju 8y ago
Umm.. maybe take your dick out of your own mouth?
Plenty of people here are into psychology and marketing. In fact, one could argue that these are crucial factors that play into the majority of TRP posts & concepts.
Jaereth 8y ago
Yeah... Do this if you are a guy only lol.
Joking aside though, great guide. The thing about setting the expectation of yourself being an A student in college worked wonders for me. Eye contact is king, and finding commonalities can be an awesome way of cutting through the rabble at a group of your career peers and be the one guy the boss remembers. (I think this is why golf is so popular, it's more of a niche crowd within business than people actually enjoying the sport)
IamGale 8y ago
Haha, I would love to hear a girl's story about asking their prof for an A.
DocWattz 8y ago
It usually ends with them getting a D.
[deleted] 8y ago
Good guide but a little serious.. Don't forget the most basic things: Smile, laugh, ask them questions about themselves
Theophagist 8y ago
Law of Power #43, work on the hearts and minds of others.
IamGale 8y ago
Yup you're right. Smiling helps a ton!
[deleted] 8y ago
With your eye contact what you want to do is to squinch.
https://youtu.be/ff7nltdBCHs
Practice this. Squinching oozes confidence. Start to look around and you'll notice that every high ranking CEO does this, every good politician does this, and when you do it as well people will respond. Get a good squinch, practice in the mirror, and do it deliberately until it's become a habit.
TRP_Minor 8y ago
Thing is, my eyes always look like I'm tired, I've got dark circles and when I walk around it looks like I'm not opening them all the way. I have a very tough time controlling the lower eyelid, even in the mirror, because everytime I try to bring it closed a bit, my upper eyelid goes down as well. I feel like if I try to squinch, it will look like my eyes are almost completely closed. And no I'm not Asian.
IamGale 8y ago
Thanks for pointing that out. Squinching helps a lot.
Adach 8y ago
My old boss used to do this, it makes you look really concentrated on what the speaker is saying
OneRedYear 8y ago
That guy looks like George Bush, will Farrell and the Trivago man had a baby. His bit about the Jaw/neck thing was weird but interesting.
[deleted]
whuttupfoo 8y ago
This is terrible advice, this is the male equivalent of the duck face.
desno 8y ago
how so? duckface is just for the camera whereas this squinch and eye contact, when done right gives you a look like you're really focusing on what is being said. Sure in the context of the video it can be compared to duckface but in the context of this discussion it is much more
JustDoMeee 8y ago
You're on fire, I keep seeing you around, amazing and informative post as alway. So glad you're taking the time to post these, I really appreciate it.
IamGale 8y ago
Thank you I appreciate that.
TheOpposingView 8y ago
The posts are good.
But this is all stuff you'd learn in a social psych 101 course, maybe even just the social psych portion of a psych 101 course.
JustDoMeee 8y ago
Yeah I don't have access to such courses in the UK, atleast I don't think
[deleted]
Purecorrupt 8y ago
Work Tip - if you work with a lot people in say, corporate land, compliment peoples choices.
For example - I think my wardrobe style has evolved and is pretty decent now. When someone compliments something about it I get that external validation and like them slightly more. So when you do it to them they'll most likely feel the same.
Now I don't go out of my way to do this, but I strategically know that the over the wall analyst lady will appreciate me complimenting her purple scarf. The purple scarf is indeed nice. Or the super serious supervisor is wearing a shirt with a deep red colour that you like. Say that you like the colour.
People like when their choices are complimented more than things they don't have control of. This is another reason the advice is given to not tell a girl is pretty, but to say something about their outfit.
And it doesn't hurt to have more allies...
IamGale 8y ago
Great advice, thanks for sharing this.
Trpidation 8y ago
I did this a lot in college, nearly always successfully, but there's a huge part here that's missing: professors are people too and, as mentioned earlier, need an incentive. For professors, class participation (especially in this day and age) means the fucking world to them. So if you want a favor from a professor, participate in class regularly. Don't be that cunt who feels compelled to share their thoughts after everything the professor says, but definitely share a strong reaction or question that you have. Professors notice this shit and will be infinitely more willing to help you out with grades and favors. I got away with turning in projects even a week late without grade deductions, got grade boosts, and all sorts of shit. Oddly enough your grades go up with participation also because, who'da thought, you learn the shit that's being taught.
Be warned: there are professors out there who hate grade-grubbers. If you're gonna ask for help with your grade make sure you're in good with the prof first and that they won't get butthurt about that kind of thing.
IamGale 8y ago
Agreed participation was something I always excelled at. Me and you think alike ;)
[deleted] 8y ago
For anyone who found this post extremely valuable, I recommend you also check out "how to win friends and influence people"
SteeleLion 8y ago
Text book how to win friends, I read it recently, amazing that such an old book holds such relevance in our day to day relationships!
theeverywhereman 8y ago
It was the first book I read before becoming trp aware and it lays a very solid foundation for basic wins with people. More importantly what Carnegie writes about can be applied relatively easily. Small stuff matters.
USmellFunny 8y ago
Yeah, halfway through reading this post it seemed to me like he read the book and made a post with the basic ideas from the book.
[deleted]
[deleted] 8y ago
I've read this book 4 times. If all you get out of it is to use people's names when talking to them, talk about something that they like, and smile more, it'll pay for itself many times over.
[deleted] 8y ago
yeah and one of the things it really emphasizes is that if you want someone to do something for you, talk about how it would benefit them rather than how important it is to you.
Sergnb 8y ago
Be careful who you talk about that book with tho. It has a really widespread reputation for being used by douchebags and/or socially inept people to manipulate others around them. You go around saying you have read that book, someone's gonna think you are like this guy
[deleted] 8y ago
Hahaha great video. I did tell a friend about it an he immediately said "that doesn't sound like a book for making friends," because apparently influence ~= manipulate
Sergnb 8y ago
It's just the whole thing about self help books dealing with social interactions, psychology, body language and such. The whole thing has a lot of haters and a stereotype of being read only by sociopaths and people with autism. Of course the people who read them, apply them moderately to their life and dont talk about the books like they are the second coming of christ never get associated with the books for obvious reasons, just the crazy idiots and douches that couldn't manage to have a normal social interaction if their mother's life was depending on it. Makes the whole thing look like a nut job case
Auphor_Phaksache 8y ago
Just like "not nice" means "evil".
[deleted] 8y ago
Great book. I also recommend "What Every BODY is Saying" by Joe Navarro for understanding body language.
[deleted] 8y ago
I bought that a while ago but haven't gotten to it. Is it pretty effective when applied?
[deleted] 8y ago
Absolutely. It helped me determine someone's comfort level when they're around me via body language and figure out what certain actions/ gestures meant. Also, how my own body language and posture makes others perceive me. Fascinating topic
IamGale 8y ago
Great recommendation, and even if you've read it, read it again. My only caveat is that you also want to become interesting and not just be a great listener.
plsjustgo 8y ago
I'm still stuck on the whole 'being interested is being interesting'
IamGale 8y ago
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Basically showing genuine interest in someone's life will help a lot.
But another thing to do is to share interesting stories about yourself in conversation.
plsjustgo 8y ago
You misunderstood. I read the book and 'ask people about themselves and they'll find you interesting' is one of the messages in there but I thought it implied that's all there really was to becoming interesting to other people. You seem to disagree when you say:
IamGale 8y ago
You need both:
That book is great for learning how to be more of #1, TRP is great for #2.
domoli 8y ago
Good stuff gale...you might have rediscovered what has already been named as the door in the face technique. Also in Cialdini's Influence.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Door-in-the-face_technique
IamGale 8y ago
Yup exactly this, I can't take credit for it because I read tons of psych books and I often forget the exact source.
Thanks for the source!
[deleted] 8y ago
As an avid reader mysekf too, top five books you'd recommend (any, doesn't even have to be TRP related)?
IamGale 8y ago
I'm going to give you all fiction books because too much non-fiction can hurt. These are my favourite fiction books.
[deleted] 8y ago
I'm more of a nonfiction guy, so I insist ;)
Atlas shrugged is one I've only heard good things about, especially from men that I look up to (Steve jobs, the founders of Google, etc)... I'm sure ill read it someday but I just can't seem to justify the time that couldve otherwise been spent on 5+ books haha... It's 1000+ for fucks sakes.
Dune seems interesting, so I'll check it out!
IamGale 8y ago
Atlas Shrugged is the bible for many men here. I'll probably do a post on non-fiction books because I want to go more in detail about it.
el_superbeastooo 8y ago
I love Bukowski's writings. Why Women over Ham on Rye or Post Office?
IamGale 8y ago
It was the first book I read by him and it spoke to me directly. Both ham on rye and post office are terrific. Women is just the one I associate with him the most. Who can forget Lydia.
thomasbkin 8y ago
great follow up to yesterdays post!
[deleted]
[deleted] 8y ago
Lovely lovely guide, know some of the tips from books i've read and can confirm it's all true, tho the examples were new to me and ofc its all 100% true so keep up more posts like that :)) thanks
IamGale 8y ago
Thanks dude. Also don't know if you're a fan of the mpgh site but I used to spend a lot of time there.
tedcase 8y ago
This was a very interesting read. My problem though is that I simply lack any energy for social interaction. I am absolutely exhausted by chatting to people I don't really know and a party full of strangers is my idea of hell. It's awful, I can quite happily run for 4 hours non stop, but ask me to make friends in a room full of strangers and I'll need to go lie down after 15 minutes. The other strange thing is, I have absolutely no issue at all with addressing them as a crowd. I can very happily get on stage and talk forever and I do quite regularly. I have had more people than I could count tell me that I would make a great stand up, but ask me to talk one on one to a stranger and I run out of stuff to say and it's pretty clear to the other person that I have no interest. Now imagine what this does to my dating life.
I would really appreciate any advice.
94redstealth 8y ago
Thats the problem. you have no interest in the person.
You dont have an interest because you dont want to grow your social network. if you did you would take more interest in finding out about people to see if they benefit you.
Until you become interested in growing your social network, there is no help or advice worth a damn.
its up to you bro.
theoctopuss 8y ago
Not everyone is a social butterfly. Your best bet is to make an appearance and survey the room for who would make a good connection, either socially or through business. Its fairy easy to tell who these people are.
You want to make a quick introduction. Bullshit with them for a few minutes if they're a guy, flirt with her if they're a girl. Once you've done this, you can make your escape.
People won't assume you're awkward one on one, they'll assume you're a busy guy with more important stuff going on in his life.
IamGale 8y ago
This is huge and a problem that often never addressed. Thank you for bringing this up because you're not alone. Most introverts are like this.
Your situation is really interesting. Why do you think you're like that?
TheRedStoic 8y ago
Anyone out there who enjoyed this post and is a podcast person, I recommend the art of likeability podcast. Great for commutes, pretty mediocre for lifting though.
IamGale 8y ago
I'm a big podcast guy myself. Thanks for the suggestion.
hva_vet 8y ago
Always mirror someones behavior. If they move their hands a certain way when they talk do the same. Pick up on subtle inflections in their voice and repeat them. Ask them direct questions about their lives. If you are in the process of dealing with an auditor or some sort of inspection deploy this mirroring technique to put them at ease.
Mirroring subtle behaviors builds rapport and is the foundation for a lasting friendship. If an encounter with a person is potentially adversarial, such as the aforementioned auditor or perhaps a negotiation, this technique will instantly put the other person at ease and opens the door for jedi mind tricks.
[deleted]
WhySoRuff 8y ago
Law 31: Control the options: get others to play with the cards you deal.
In the movie Casino, director Martin Scorsese wanted to shoot a realistic portrayl of mob life with all the blood, guts and gore you'd expect from the ruthless underworld. Their was only one problem: the film had to be submitted for review by the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) who dictated how much sex/nudity/violence/bad language was permissible under each rating (PG, PG 13, R etc). Any footage that was deemed excessive would be ordered to be cut from the film or the movie could not be released.
Since their was unimaginable violence throughout the film Scorsese shot this horrific scene as sacrifice (he was sure it would be rejected) so he would end up being allowed to include this scene in the resulting movie.
He controlled the options and got the outcome he really wanted.
IamGale 8y ago
Yes thank you for bringing this up! I remember reading this and that he also did this with Wolf of Wallstreet.
throwawaycomedian95 8y ago
Pretty sure Trump is using many of these tactics
aguy01 8y ago
All successful politicians do. Look up an analysis of Obama hypnosis techniques used in his speeches.
IamGale 8y ago
Good eye, Trump is an expert.
ohnoaspartan 8y ago
Hey, OP do you play competitive ultimate? I find the culture around the sport to be somewhat anti-RP. However I don't play mixed(with girls) and just stick to the men's division... but playing in a rec league your exposed to a lot of gender equality bs.
IamGale 8y ago
I love the game, and I also meet cute girls so win. You're right it can be a little anti-RP sometimes, but not everything you do has to be wrestling. Have fun with it.
[deleted]
[deleted] 8y ago
Pro tip: download a name remember app. It will let you type in a name and a brief note, and will usually time stamp when it was saved. Today it is socially acceptable to look at your phone in the middle of a conversation, especially a group one. You can put people's names in right there, within a minute of meeting them. I do it all the time. Nobody notices.
IamGale 8y ago
Names yes thank you for bringing that up! I love your comment because names are so important.
[deleted] 8y ago
Really liking you gale. Hoping to maybe see a blog from you someday.
[deleted]
michaelconnery1985 8y ago
How does that work when your 90% of your grade is solely determined by how well you do on quizzes and exams?
IamGale 8y ago
Only works if they grade your quizzes and exams.
[deleted]
[deleted] 8y ago
You'd be surprised. Professors will let you do extra credit, drop really bad grades, all sorts of stuff.
The thing is, you need to establish a relationship with them. That's why you should regularly go to office hours.
fokum8 8y ago
Longest Reddit post I've sat down and read! Thanks.
[deleted]
RedSugarPill 8y ago
In my class, if you're getting a C, I'll calculate what grade you could get, and how to get a higher grade, or how to drop the class.
CapnPrice 8y ago
A lot of teachers and professors I've had almost seem scared of holding their students accountable. I think it depends a lot on the type of class as well.
IamGale 8y ago
Well it didn't work with every teacher but you'd be surprised. Ask your colleagues if they've ever boosted a student.
[deleted] 8y ago
Makes sense. Remember though that any class with a "participation" component, which is basically all the humanities courses that STEM kids don't like or suck at, has a lot of room for adjustment.
Drumfreak14 8y ago
Great read thank you very much. I'll start putting these elements into practice. Any other resources you recommend?
IamGale 8y ago
Drumfreak14 8y ago
I have the first book mentioned, and I'll add the others to my Amazon list. Im going to subscribe to your content, great material.
[deleted]
ex_addict_bro 8y ago
You're a fucking idiot. Get a shrink.