Overview: I spent my early 20's in a failure of a relationship due to my inability to lead or be honest with myself.

Body: During my teenage years I was unsuccessful with women like many here. I got a blowjob once and that was my sexual experience before heading into university. Eventually I get to college, do ok with girls, have occasional hook ups. Meet cute girl eventually who isn't like most annoying whores in college. I start sleeping with her while also hooking up with another girl. Cute girl finds out and makes out with another dude at party. I find out and get upset by this and eventually we enter a relationship. Things seem great for awhile, sex everyday, we share a bed every night. We go out to nice dinners and I look forward to seeing her everyday. After a couple months things become progressively worse due to both mine and her insecurities. She over reacts to tiny things and is constantly getting annoyed by me. Eventually I get drunk one day and break up with her and fuck up other areas of my life in a public setting. This won't be the first time or the last that I do this.

We stay broken up for a few weeks and she's worried about what her whore friends think of her. Eventually I tell her how much I love her and we feel like we are soul mates and need to get back together. We get back together and things are ok for a little bit. The problem is that I am a borderline alcoholic and drug addict and can never say no to a party. I'm still in college and I want to have fun. I didn't want to cheat on her, but I did want to live it up while I could in college. I drink all the time and we begin fighting on a weekly basis. We break up, we get back together, she cries, I cry. A sick cycle that was bound to repeat itself time and time again. She is neurotic about small issues and always worried about school and I am careless and only care about myself. We get into a couple fights that turn violent. She attacks me and I shove her away from me one time and she hurts her head. She punches me in the face while drunk at casino and then we end up talking to the cops. We break up again and obviously get back together because all we have is each other and some twisted codependence. I care deeply for her and she cares deeply for me but we can never seem to stop fighting. Every week I am up late at night reading her angry texts at me for whatever the weekly fight is about. I can never seem to do anything right. Yet still 2 years later, we fuck like rabbits and have beautiful moments together in between the constant war with one another. She never cheats and has no desire to. She wants to get married and have kids. I don't know what I want because I have never felt like I fit in anywhere and I hate school and corporate work. We leave college still together but the foundation to this relationship is built on sand.

We both work in big city in corporate jobs. I don't have a lot of time with work and I'm constantly obsessing over bodybuilding and eating healthy and she always wastes my time with her emotional nonsense. I lose sleep on a weekly basis fighting with her. She talks about suicide at least once a month now. I can't balance this bullshit schedule I have at work with a job I despise and a girlfriend who calls me crying every night and complains about suicide. Eventually one night I grab drinks with friends before I go to her apartment to cook dinner. I said I would be there at 7 but she finds out I got drinks first and just screams and whines that I should have come straight to her apartment. Another classic fight about nonsense when I was never even going to be late in the first place. She makes up this retarded drama about me always caring about my friends and drinking more than her. Partially true from the past but I didn't do that anymore and she had no right to say this. This was the final straw that ended it for me. I had already missed the gym the day before because she was keeping me up late texting me about her killing herself. The stress is too much for me and I snap. I tell her to fuck herself and ghost her for 3 weeks.

We don't get back together this time. I kind of miss her but I just need that stress out of my life. I still love her and care about her but I can't deal with it anymore. Eventually she goes on dates and meets new guys. She asks me if I'm sure about us being broken up. I say yes. After a few months she gives guy a blowjob, obviously he is her new boyfriend target. She again asks me if I'm sure we can't get back together and I say it won't work. She fucks new guy but thinks I am still way better than him and thinks she made a mistake. Comes back to me crying, waiting on my doorstep, constantly texting me and crying. We have been broken up for 4 months now. I feel sorry for her but don't know what to do, how could I forgive her fucking someone else? I cry all the time and delve into drug and alcohol addiction as I am prone to. I don't know if I love her, if I should get back together with her, if I am a beta pussy who should tell her to fuck off, or if I am a fag for letting someone fuck the girl I loved when I could have gotten back together with her at any time. I don't know what is right and wrong anymore and my dreams of love slowly break my heart and crush me. This would be the beginning of me annihilating all blue pilled ideas from my mind and focusing on bodybuilding and stoicism as my way of being happy in life.

Analysis: I was a young man unprepared for a relationship with a idealistic view of love. Whether this was innate or if I developed this view because of my surroundings is unknown to me. This idea of love crushed me to my core because how can you reconcile between loving someone and fighting everyday? I feel a deep paradox inside me that recurs over and over again. I idealize a view of a relationship where two people love each other and grow old together and have a family. I thought I found that person but instead I delved into a toxic relationship that was soul crushing on a weekly basis.

Conclusion

I no longer have a belief in love or in soul mates. I have moved on to stoic principles and I try not to concern myself with external things. I focus on building my mind and body. I accept all the pain from my past as both necessary and good. I don't think a man such as myself could have ever become what I want to be without having his heart broken time and time again and having his blue pilled ideas crushed. I believe a man must become truly broken before he can truly become a man. Just like muscle must be broken down to be rebuilt, so must the mind and I am stronger because of it. I am not sure if there is much of a lesson to be learnt here but I think there are many men out there who maybe found a girl they loved, who didn't cheat, and yet still suffered from a profound sense of unhappiness. I think there are many like me who had an idealized view of life that isn't in line with reality. I hope some people can root these ideas out of their minds before they manifest into painful consequences and miserable relationships such as my own experience. I believed in a fantasy of love and paid the price for it but I am stronger for it now. I could be a lot worse off and I'm happy I learned this lesson before I would have gotten into a blue pilled marriage.