Here's a long post breakdown of Chapter 7 from the Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene.

Gentlemen, we're deep into the book now.

Video Summary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_FNZ1fKJE7s

Written Summary:

Life is harsh and competitive. We naturally must look after our own interests, and also need to feel independent, like we are doing our own bidding. That’s why when others try to pursued or change us we become resistant.

To make people move from their defensive positions you must always make it seem like people are moving of their own free will. Creating a feeling of mutual warmth softens peoples resistance and makes them want to help.

Make them feel that by doing what you want, they are being noble and altruistic.

Influence over people and the power it brings are gained in the opposite way that we imagine. We hype ourselves up and try to talk about our accomplishments. The royal road to power and influence is to let others talk and be the stars of the show.

Giving people validation and attention will open their minds to your ideas. Start a cycle of favours by doing something small for someone.

Bring out the cleverness of others than in showing the cleverness of yourself. He who goes away pleased with himself is also greatly pleased with you.

Key to Human Nature

We develop a defensive stance in early childhood that solidifies as we get older. But there’s a reason after a night of revelry with friends that we feel more bonded with others. We don’t feel judged and we loosen up.

When we fall in love and feel appreciated and worthy of love, understood. We let go of our ego and give the other person unusual sway.

Creating the feeling of validation is the golden key to unlocking people’s defenses. We cannot survive and thrive in this world without feeling such a power. We need to move people from their positions to get what we want. We do not want people to feel like we’ve taken time, money, ideas from people to get what we want.

People have a perception of themselves called a self opinion. This can be accurate or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how people perceive their character and worthiness.

3 universal qualities to people’s self opinion:

  • I am autonomous, acting of my own free will
  • I am intelligent in my own way
  • I am basically good and decent

1 - if we choose to buy something it’s because we wanted to. Even though the truth may be that we were manipulated or succumbed to peer pressure. If we feel coerced by a boss, we will either tell ourselves we chose this or we will be resentful.

2 - we are intelligent in our own way. Our political opinions come from common sense. People never like the thought that we can be gullible and less than intelligent.

3 - We like to see ourselves as supporting the right causes. We treat people well, are team players, we use tough love if we have to be mean.

When you try to convince people of something. 1 of 3 things will happen:

  1. You might inadvertently challenge a particular aspect of their self opinion. Make them feel stupid, brainwashed, or less than good. Makes people more defensive and resistant. Walls go up that you will never bring down.
  2. You can leave their self opinion in a neutral position. Neither challenged nor confirmed. People remain resistant and dubious but you haven’t challenged them so they are willing to be changed.
  3. You can actively confirm their self opinion. You are fulfilling people’s greatest emotional needs. This makes people relax. They become susceptible to being suggestion.

Your task is simple: instill in people a feeling of inner security. Mirror their values, show that you like and respect them, generate an atmosphere of mutual warmth, build rapport.

Since the game is unavoidable, it’s better to be skillful at it than improvising in the moment. Being good at influence is more socially beneficial than the moral stance.

5 Strategies for Becoming a Master Persuader

  1. Transform yourself into a deep listener. In a normal conversation, our attention is divided. We are often more interested in our own thoughts than the other person’s words. Become motivated to reverse this dynamic. Try to explore other peoples minds. It gives invaluable lessons to human psychology and opens up a whole new world to you. Becoming deeply absorbed in what people are saying. The more people talk, the more they reveal. Have people come away from your encounters feeling better about themselves.
  2. Infect people with the proper mood. We are susceptible to the moods of other people. One mood for you to adopt is complete indulgence. You do not judge other people. You accept them for who they are. Infect people with a warm feeling of rapport through shared pleasures. Create a comfortable club like atmosphere for others. Teachers who expect more from their students will see a positive effect without ever checking their grades. By feeling excited when you’re meeting someone you’ll communicate to them in a positive way.
  3. Confirm their self opinion. Recall the universal opinions of people with a high self opinion, and here’s how to approach each one of them:

Autonomy - they can’t feel coerced or manipulated. They must choose to do whatever it is you want them to do. How can you frame the favour you want to ask for as something that they already desire?

Intelligence - winning arguments is rarely worth the effort. See the other person’s point of view and agree with it. Ask people for advice, which makes them feel you respect their intelligence. Give in to people on less important matters to win them over, and then they will concede to you in larger matters.

Goodness - few people give to charities anonymously. Give people a cause. Make people want to join the group. It’s better to call people a team member than an employee. Make a faux pas and then ask for their forgiveness. Remind them of the good things they’ve done in the past.

  1. Allay their insecurities - everyone has particular insecurities - looks, creativity, masculinity, status, uniqueness etc. get a bead on these insecurities through the various conversations you have with people. Praise and flatter those qualities that people are most insecure about. We live in a tough world where we are easily judged. Make flattery strategic. If someone knows they are horrible at something, flattering them in that aspect they know you’re buggin. But if they are uncertain about their skills, then any flattery can work wonders. Look for qualities that people are uncertain about and offer reassurance.

It is always better to praise people for their effort, not their talent. Never follow up praise with a favor. Mix in a little criticism in the praise. People don't want the truth, they want support and confirmation given as realistically as possible. Choose qualities to praise that you actually admire. Feel the good emotions you’re expressing.

  1. Use people’s resistance and stubbornness. - play mental judo here. Use their mental energy to have them fall on themselves. Use their emotions - don’t counter people’s stronger emotions, but move with them and channel them into a productive direction.

Use their rigidity - when people are rigid in their opposition of something it stems from deep fear of change and uncertainty it could bring. Give them change on their terms so they can feel in control. Stop fighting with people and use their rigidity to make the change.

People often won’t do what others ask them to do because they simply want to assert their will.

The Flexible Mind - Self Strategies

The way you want to influence others also ends up being an issue for you as well. We do things that hurt ourselves.

Just as the body tightens with age, so does the mind.

The ideal state of the mind is one that retains the flexibility of youth, along with the reasoning powers of the adult.

Work to soften up your rigid mental patterns.

Key tenet of the socratic philosophy: The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living.

be aware of your own ignorance. Examine and re-examine your own beliefs. Socrates assumed the weakened, vulnerable position of the child, always asked questions, in order to learn.

A little bit of humility about what we know would make us interested in a wider range of ideas.

When it comes to your ideas and opinions, see them as toys or building blocks that you’re playing with. Some you will keep, others you’ll knock down. But your spirit remains flexible and playful.

He who really wants to get to know something new, does well to entertain it with all possible love. To avert his eyes quickly from everything he finds repellent or false. Give everything an objective start and try to see the best in every new idea.

When it comes to your own self-opinion, have some ironic distance from it. Understand how it operates within you. Come to terms with the fact that you’re not as free and autonomous as you like to believe.

You do conform to the opinions of the groups you belong to, you do buy products due to subliminal hints, you can be manipulated. You aren’t as good as you feel you are. You can be self absorbed and obsessed with your own agenda.

Make yourself truly independent and concerned with the welfare of others as opposed to staying attached to the illusion of your self opinion.