​

​

She was there, wearing only thongs in the hotel room we were staying. I was feeling a profound and immense anger at being so near such an exquisite figure (a curvy, busty, firm-ass, fit, pole-dancer brunette with one of the sexiest bodies I've ever seen) and not being able to have her.

​

We were at the 3rd day of our trip and I kissed her the previous day. Her response? "it feels so weird".

​

For context, we dated +10 years ago but broke up because the distance made it unsustainable. Some years later she married and years later she divorced and became a childfree independent woman. It was at that point when we began contact again, and fount out the chemistry was still there, and since it was a great LTR we had, we yearned to see each other again. I won't lie though, I was really really attracted to her, but I was more interested in having a ONS than getting into another LTR with her, mostly due to the distance (she lives more than 300 miles away).

​

As we chatted, we started to grow closer to the point that she even swore that I was the love of her life and that in the future she would love to try again and at least visit me in my hometown, but her financial situation wouldn't let her so easily. She even swore that if I ever moved out to live in Queretaro city (a city we both LOVE and aspire to live in), she would quit her job and leave everything behind to be with me.

​

So, for several months we sexted, sent pics and chatted until she started to become a bit distant. She told me that she was trying Tinder and I got jealous, but since we weren't a couple I just went on with life but still kept contact with her. She would then tell me about a guy she started dating and grew even more jealous, but again, since we were just friends I had to live with it. Needless to say, the sexting plumetted and she didn't seem interested as before.

​

Then one day she told me that she would be traveling during April (it was January back then) to a city near where I live and that it was only a couple of hours away. She thought it would be a perfect opportunity to see each other again and I loved the idea, specially since it was a rural area with tons of cascades, rivers and forests to visit.

​

But as the date was nearing, she would still be a bit distant and my sexual innuendo would go unnoticed or she would act unintersted. Then one day, the second red flag came in: she asked me to not tell anyone about our trip, nor publish it on facebook that I was traveling WITH her. When I asked her why, she just said "you know I'm the kind of woman who boasts about his partner, but we're not a couple and I would like people to refrain from gossiping about my private life." I found it really strange, as she's the kind of person who doesn't give a damn about what others say about her. Heck, she even practices POLE DANCING, has tattoos and has a strong IDGF attitude.

​

Nonetheless I made the trip, and while the reunion was warming, something seemed a bit off: the chemistry we once had was like gone and when I insinuated her, she would just kind of chuckle and brush off my advances during the 1st day. At night, when I playfully asked her if she needed help to take a good bath she gave a huge "Huh... No, thanks" with an upset looking face. I was taken aback, but thought she probably was tired... until I tried to kiss her at the 2nd day and responded with "it feels so weird".

​

When I asked her what she meant, she explained that months prior to the trip, she started dating another guy with whom she had a very intense casual relationship but would then fall for him. She then started a LTR with him but he cheated on her and she felt devastated because according it her "it has been a while since I could tell every aspect of my life to someone". I was enraged and asked her if he's the reason that she asked me to not reveal anything about our trip and she said no, it was because she didn't want her ex-husband to find out and I was like WTF does he has to do with ANYTHING!? It seemed incredibly fishy to me and I had this intense feeling that she was hiding something.

​

I was incredibly dissapointed and just knew that nothing would happen between us, let alone sex. Sensing so, she said that she just wanted to have a good time with someone she "deeply cared about" and with whom she could share the whole experience of traveling in the nature. I won't lie guys, even though the whole travel seemed incredible by itself I also wanted to hook up with her one more time and felt enraged that I was just another friendzoned orbiter beta provider that was only there as her companion and photographer.

​

That was a moment when I should've walked out and left her alone. But no... I went full whimpy beta and said "Well, you know, I was expecting that we maybe could retake what we left behind years ago, to be like before" to which she said "so, you expect us to retake what you ended 10 years ago? and be again in a long distance relationship? and suffer for that like we did back then?". I had no word as she was 100% right and it wasn't what I really wanted. I still cringe at the extent of the BS I said, and all because I just wanted to fuck her and was too coward to come out so straight forward into the matter. I still cringe at how much of a coward I was.

​

We went to sleep. Or should I say, she want to sleep, while I slowly went out of the tent. Then, like a mad man, I checked her cellphone and I couldn't find a single chat with this guy, but I could find some tidbits of info with her friends' chat and how she just broke up with him DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP.

​

I asked myself "Was she planning to do this trip while being in a LTR all along and expected me to act as a FRIEND after all the interactions we had!?" I couldn't help but feel decieved and used as a poor cucked beta who was there only to make her company and pay for most of the trip. I cursed at my life and luck for being born such a pathetic beta loser and not being alpha enough to just walk out and leave her alone on her fucking trip. I was like "God, why didn't you made me a fucking asshole!? that way I wouldn't have brought myself into this shitty situation, trapped in a 6 day trip with a girl I have an incredible desire for but I won't have neither her heart or body."

​

I would recheck the chats and think about all we talked about. I couldn't comprehend how weeks before the trip, she still assured that she was really excited to see me, that "it would be like the first time (she visited me at my home town when she was my GF almost 10 years ago)", that her "major fantasy was to see me again", that "as soon as she had me she would fuck the hell out of me".... but all I stumbled upon was this woman who showed no interest nor desire towards me because "she was so hurt because her ex cheated on her and still had feeling for him."

I felt miserable. It was to be expected since I noticed there was no desire from her from the very moment I saw her or insinuated her, and that several weeks before the trip she didn't show any desire through the messages like before. Even when I touched her hand she would move it away for some reason like "it's too hot in here". I saw ALL the red flags and I ignored them because she said such sweet words and I somehow forgot one of the iron rules in life and dating: NEVER JUDGE HER BY HER WORDS, JUDGE HER BY HER ACTIONS.

​

Days passed by and I was getting worse. At every place I would just try to look away from her since I had a very strong desire for her. She had the whole sexually attractive package and the worst part was that in every place she would use a bikini since there were many cascades and rivers and asked me to take photos for her to which she would then upload in her instagram.

​

One of those nights, when we were at some hotel and she was filtering her pics, a friend of mine who happened to have her on FB and knew about the whole fiasco sent me a screenshot of a post about how she would upload several photos where ONLY SHE was on them and write things like "here with my best friend and sole companion, the backpack" or "the most said sentence in the whole trip: sir, can you take a picture, please?". My friend said "Man, she's so full of BS, it's obvious that she's hiding you because there's someone else and I highly doubt it's her ex-husband."

​

That night I waited until she went to sleep and about 3 am I checked again her phone. This time it ocurred to me to check her messenger inbox and found a conversation with another guy saying things like "this is such a fantastic trip! I wish you were here!" I needed no more to read. She seemed to be getting back with a previous ex-BF. At this point I was completely numb and didn't feel anything anymore and just said "let's just end this and keep pretending if she wants it so."

​

The next day, I was in shambles. She noticed it while we where walking near a river and asked what was wrong. "EVERYTHING" I wanted to answer, "I just found out you were lying all this time only to have someone to serve you as company and distraction." But all I could say was "You know, I just feel homesick and I think I'll be leaving 1 day earlier." She only said "You better find a better excuse, because I don't think that's what happening." We just dropped the issue and went to another place.

​

Later that day, we were talking about how I would make myself a tattoo and she excitedly said "you'll finally be a man!" to which I responded playfully "well, you can also help me to make this guy into a man ;)". She answered with a mocking and mostly despective "oh god no! I already did that many years ago, thanks!" It felt like a fking knife and anger poured in again. So many months of anticipation where we fantasized about eating each other FOR THIS SHIT? But like a pussy, I couldn't leave her alone because... white knight.

​

We went back nearby the hotel for some dinner. Completely resignated and feeling like shit, I matched with a girl on Tinder who seemed willing to see me and cheer me up to take advantage of this trip at least. I told her to wait. But before looking for an excuse to go out at night, for some weird reason I wanted to insist for a very last time. Just after dinner I asked her if she would like to get some dessert (which in Mexico has a very strong sexual connotation when asked in a playful tone) 'to burn some calories' after eating so much. She said "...Okay". I was shocked. I was so damn shocked and was expecting such a negative response that I even asked her again if she was sure. "Yeah, sure". I even said "You know I'm talking about sex, right?". She said "Of course I know, you don't have to be so specific" in a very upset tone. I know this was unnecessary and that I screwed up, but I was beyond belief.

​

I didn't know how to take it. I was completely skeptical and we came back to the hotel. When we were at the hotel, the routine was all the same: she texting, filtering photos (to which I liked on FB, something that made her very mad about it and even asked me to remove the like), chatting, completely ignoring me and updating her instagram while I was at her side like a fking idiot feeling awkward.

​

When she finally dropped the phone, she seemed to go to sleep and asked if she needed some "massage". She rejected me saying she still felt full because of dinner. I asked her if we would really do anything and angrily said "you know, I HATE it when I feel pressed." Whoa, okay, I stood back and I said that it just feels like an excuse and that if she really didn't want to have sex she shouldn't (I just can't enjoy sexy if the woman is not wet for me). She then replied "when I say I'll do something, I never take my words back." I was shocked and thought '"o this is just a TASK for her!?" But like a pussy hungry beta that I was, I still yearned to have her and tolerated her shitty attitude.

​

Then, she started to act weird. She put aside the cellphone and played some sensual music to which she started some very sensual dancing on her side of the bed. I playfully asked "oh, so you're trying to seduce me?". "Nah" was her cold response, and kept on dancing in a very provocative and sensual way while I was on the other side of the bed like if I didn't exist, since she seemd to dance to the wall itself. I couldn't help but think "is she imagining that she's dancing to that guy... to enter into mood?" I didn't know what to do. I've never felt so awkward with a girl.

​

Finally, after several minutes of feeling like a fool without knowing what to do, she stood up, went to the bathroom and went out with only a towel and laid in the bed asking me to turn the lights off. I still felt so damn awkward but I still proceeded to do my own thing and made sure that she would enjoy it by first doing her some oral sex.

​

I don't know if it was the stress or the fact that I didn't have sex nor masturbated for a whole week (I'm a huge advocate of NoFap, and I fap like only once per month to porn), but I ejaculated while doing her oral sex and thinking "Why!? WHY. THE. FUCK did I had to suffer premature ejaculation NOW when I NEVER suffered such a thing in my entire life!?" but instead of panicking I made her had a first orgasm. Trying to buy myself some time I continued on with the oral sex. Now I was hellbent on overcoming this shitty situation and to never become just "another guy who came too fast and couldn't satisfy his woman". FUCK. NO.

​

But then her second orgasm came. My little friend was now slowly recovering but still asleep nonetheless. So it ocurred to me to ask her "Can you give me a hand? You could teach me what you know". "No thanks, I'm fine like this, I'm just 'letting myself to be taken' ", which felt like a way of saying 'fuck no, I have no desire for you and much less for your cock' and she kept herself laid like some kind of inanimate sex doll, doing nothing, with no fucking trace of desire for me, with no fondness nor interest toward me. Now it was evident that she was just literally 'lending me her body.' This just caused my penis to still stay asleep, and before doing anything else she then proceeded to say "and btw, if you make me come for a third time, this will be it and we'll be done." What!? No, no, no, no!

​

I went up and excused myself into the bathroom and just started to masturbate remembering other hot girls I fucked to get my cock into the mood. Several minutes passed and I was finally getting my cock hard when I heard her knocking at the bathroom door asking if everything was fine and if I needed some help. I decided to get out with cock kind of hard and I tried to go full alpha by pushing her aganist the wall to fuck her after I finally managed to put the condom.

​

I was finally doing it. Fucking her hard... but without feeling much. That premature ejaculation seemed to drain all my sexual desire and I was just there like a soulless machine penetrating her. She seemed to be enjoying it, but it felt like I was just fucking an inflatable and soulless doll. She never did anything and barely showed some pleasure. Or maybe she was even pretending. After a while and even though I was fucking her hard, and even though she was incredibly hot, I couldn't manage to come and just decided to quit after several minutes of not feeling anything and take a bath.

​

I felt destroyed and crying on the inside. I was wondering, where the fuck was she? that girl that really was dying to see me, to hug me, to kiss me endlessly, to be with me, who assured me that she desired me to death, who swore that I was the love of her life because she never had, according to her, another relationship as fullfilling as the one she had with me? Where the fuck did such sweet, loving girl go?

​

Did she die and I was given a dead shell of her former self?

​

I wanted to scream out of anger and frustration and know who the fuck was that shitty, hermetic, lying, cheating and cold bitch who was so uninterested in me that made me feel like I was insignificant and irrelevant? Oh, right, she was no longer there for me because she fell for another guy, a guy who hurt her so much that she used me as someone who gave her some company in her trip and some distraction after a sour ending. It wasn't the cheater's fault because it was me who lead myself into this shitty situation, but I wished him to fucking die.

​

Nonetheless I still played my niceguy part and told her that it was such a nice trip and she gave me a farewell with tears. I came back home with a huge feeling of void in my chest.

​

The stress that this trip gave me (well, the girl actually, the trip was just AMAZING) was so overwhelming that I even dreamt that I woke up in some kind of hollow tree with water at the floor, a dark place resembling my room but made of wood, feeling completely lost and looking to get out. In that dream I got up and somehow found some structure similar to a door, which I opened and found it lead to my house hall. I stepped out and looked back and slowly the hollow tree was starting to shape into my room and realized what the fuck was going on. I kid you not, I was actually completely awake and hallucinating until moments after, when staring strongly at my own room the wood structures banished. Or maybe I was waking up in the middle of a sleepwalk, I'll never know (The next night happened the same and I went to a friend of mine who's a psychologist and gave me the meaning of such hallucinations which he assured, were because of the huge amount of stress I underwent during the trip).

​

Needless to say, it took me several months to recover. I just couldn't belive how much of a wimp I was and even asked myself over and over again how I could've done things differently and how I could've asserted myself. But it all came down to a single answer: because I overvalued her pussy. I was so hellbent into getting her approval that I exchanged my dignity and self-respect for fking dirt. Even though I could fuck her, it was THE WORST SEX OF MY WHOLE LIFE and the worst part is that it was with one of the most significative women in my life, someone whom I thought would NEVER be capable of lying or treason. It was such a mechanical and cold sex, so devoid of any desire that she was showing me through text months ago.

​

Some weeks passed and she contacted me saying how she missed the times when we talked. I would only change the subject jokingly and then stop replying. I still had her on social media and looked how much fun she seemed to have on her subsecuent trips, and even told me how much she would love to have another one with me since, according to her, 'it was one of the best trips she's ever had'. I would only think "OH PLEASE!!! After all the drama and the shitty immature attitude I had toward her and the trip!?!? And she calls that the best trip she's ever had!? DON'T BE SUCK A FUCKING LIAR YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!"

​

According to a close friend, she maybe also felt shitty and guilty for the whole awkward situation and wanted to make up for it, but now that I knew she was lying I just didn't want anything to do with her. I would watch through FB though, how she would continue traveling here and there.

​

A couple of months passed and my ex contacted me again saying how much she missed to talk to me. I didn't respond for 2 days, to which she sent a broken heart emoji. I only texted "Lol, really? if I were you I wouldn't have any time to miss anyone given how many trips you're doing." She only replied that she wasn't actually traveling that much and insisted that she missed talking to me. I completely changed the subject and dismissed her by giving the excuse that I was busy.

​

That was the last time I would put a pussy into a pedestal.

That was the last fucking time I would forget The Red Pill principles. .

​