Are you being manipulated? Maybe by your boss, your ex, your parents, your children?

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In general, we tend to call “manipulation” that which has an overall net-negative value because some large unseen positive value is the aspect of control for one side (i.e. control for the sake of control).

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Think of your time and energy like money – investors manipulate your money (and you, by extension), but often-times they return more of it than you initially gave them. It is a win-win, because they returned extra money for you, and they kept some extra money which your money made. Let’s say this is net-positive manipulation.

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Net-negative manipulation is the opposite. When you are walking down an alley, and a homeless man shoves a gun into your chest and demands your wallet, you not only lose your time, you also lose your money. The manipulator would like you to feel that you got to keep your life, but you would have either way – it was an introduced threat by the manipulator. But the homeless man only gains $50, a high-risk low-reward situation. Not all homeless people resort to robbery. We could infer that for some, they really just like that feeling of total control they get in a robbery – others don’t seem to need it.

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Nobody needs to convince you to participate in net-positive manipulation – it is net positive. It’s easier to pay a farmer some money than it is to farm yourself, so even though you need food to live, I don’t have to convince you to just pay the farmer. But if you are walking down the street and a homeless man asks for $50 (without a gun), only a great deal of guilt, fear or other convincing would cause you to consider this net-negative interaction.

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I’ve gone through a list of manipulation tactics and pulled together what I believe are the 3 core principles of manipulation. I’ve also determined some defenses against the core principles, which aren’t exhaustive but probably helpful. The idea was to come up with a framework where manipulation can be identified without using a cue-card with 50+ tactics. This is not a how-to list. This list is for you to recognize where you are being manipulated, and to develop strategies to eliminate or otherwise neutralize the manipulators wherever possible.

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1. KNOW THE VICTIM

The manipulator needs to know you – whether from up close or afar. Your boss knows you just bought that new car and really need your paycheck right now. But also, the homeless man knows that you probably do not want to be shot in the chest (just a guess). It doesn’t matter who he grabs.

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If you are extremely wealthy, a boss hanging small amounts money over your head is not ever going to bother you. If you are a Grammy-award winning artist, it is probably a waste of time to try and invalidate your musical talents, though less-good manipulators will try.

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The manipulator needs to know their victim well enough to see where the needs are in context of the control they want. They need to see the actual weak spots, so they can attack them. Basically, at this point, they are building a framework in their head to put other people to work for them. You are a tool to them, and they need to find out what kind of tool you are.

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There is no real defense at this phase – that’s the idea. It would be completely innocuous even if you did find out. Hiding your own skills and talents only furthers the manipulator’s ability to control you – defending at this stage manifests as being extremely shy and afraid of being judged. With that said, never reveal dangerous info to a suspected or known manipulator. Use your judgement, but remember that you are submitting to them by hiding your needs.

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2. CONTROL THE VICTIM’S NEEDS

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The manipulator will keep the victim weak, isolated, uncomfortable, uncertain and/or fearful. They will also attack mental stability/durability/aptitude, and weaken the victims external support network.

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The homeless man does this with a gun. But it could be done with something as innocuous as stapling a report together that you have asked not to be stapled, or standing in your way so you are forced to walk around them. Control can be anything from a major threat to a minor annoyance, to even something that can be disguised as being helpful. Any invasion of your boundaries is control.

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Minor annoyances will add up over time, and there are some seemingly unseen factors which greatly influence your mental state. Good manipulators will try to modify your sleeping and eating patterns, and break any sort of pattern that you use. Humans are a species of patterns. Stuff as simple as hiding your keys or moving your shampoo can be done to unbalance your trust in yourself, and cause you to be submissive. Negotiating the needs to leave things where you leave them is being submissive – maybe you are not entitled to place them somewhere, but do not suppose this cannot be manipulative.

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Without control, the manipulator cannot force you to do anything. If you have all of your own needs met, no one can control you. You feel the need to not die, the need to get 8 hours of sleep, the need to eat, the need to have a job, a car, a female and so on. The people who stand in the way of your needs have control over you.

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Keep in mind, just because they have control doesn’t mean they are net-negative manipulators. But in general, you’d better know who stands in the way of your needs. Do not try and convince yourself that your needs are not real – this is another tactic of a good manipulator. They would like the most for you to withhold things from yourself. If you truly want that slice of cake, or to bang that Brazilian, convincing yourself that you do not want it for any reason is submissive.

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First line defense of this stage is to have an external support network, and potentially backup plans. A good manipulator will do whatever he can to poison that network – be it by convincing you it is not helpful, convincing the network that you are evil, and so on. He will try and destroy any path of escape you have, whether he does it himself, or he convinces you to do it. Remember, he is asking you to destroy your own defenses against him. Doing so is submissive.

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Second line defense is to have strong self-esteem. Good manipulators will attack this relentlessly in forward, side-handed, and backward (support network) ways. Your self-esteem is the punching bag for a manipulator. They will do whatever they can to destroy it, and they will only ever add to it if you are compliant for them. Never ever give a manipulator the ability to access or affect your self-esteem. They would gladly chuck it down a well to make you totally submissive. Remember that your self-esteem is seen as an escape route to them, and they must destroy all of your escape routes.

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3. DISABLE THE VICTIM’S DEFENSE

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Manipulators convince the victim that they are unable to diagnose any manipulation tactic being used. They confuse the victim, divert them, appeal to status levels (real or made-up), minimize the attack, diagnose it as the victims own fault. They do not accept any form of responsibility for manipulation under any circumstance. They use whatever means necessary to divert or confuse, even making up a false reality.

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They try to weaken the victim totally, maybe even convince the victim to prefer a submissive state.

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Furthermore, they defend themselves relentlessly. They bend reality if they must, question the victim’s sanity, ability or authority to diagnose the issue.

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This is the smoke-bomb stage, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. They must obscure everything when it comes towards them. They can make you feel bad for them, they can suppose that they are the victim. In fact, a good manipulator will essentially act as if no rule applies to them. Any logic and reason used against them will be invalidated or minimized. When you do pin them down, they will appeal to your mercy only long enough to regain control.

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Bottom line: Good manipulators will never be held responsible for their own actions. This is because they have assumed some sort of control over you and they don’t owe you anything.

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First line of defense here is to ‘sharpen your sword.’ Nothing makes a good manipulator more excited than when you come with a pile of examples – they will gladly throw the entire pile in the trash, altogether or one-by-one. Have one example, one point, remove all of the fluff. In fact, when you are piercing armor, the key is to focus all of the power on a single point at once. Keep in mind, it will take time to sharpen this sword – this will be used by a good manipulator to control you, so don’t spend forever doing this. If you wait too long after an incident, the manipulator can call it an unwarranted outburst.

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Second line of defense is to stay true to your values. A good manipulator will do whatever they can to shake you off your system of values, or at least to give themselves an infinite value in your system. Once you lose the system of values, they can regain control in many new ways and you will start the process over again. Trust your own values, and if you can’t do that, you must get to where you can on your own. Doing so through a network could leave you vulnerable when they attempt to attack your network. You must keep an internal value system.

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A final note: Do not try to stay cordial with a known manipulator. They often operate and socially supplant you into situations where you would have to submit or break ‘social code.’ In fact, manipulators themselves are usually guilty of completely ignoring any 'social code.' Don’t feel bad about calling one an asshole, pointing out their lies, telling them you don’t care what they think. By hiding your feelings, you are being submissive – as they want you.

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Finally, I believe there is one way to short-circuit a manipulator:

SEEK THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE

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Manipulators will try and convince you there is no escape, alternative or substitute – you must pay the toll. They will convince you that only their dollar is worth a dollar, only their widget is any good, fundamentally you must submit to your manipulator. “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

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Firstly, you must assess the need they actually control. Sometimes they will be controlling you in ways which they are not entitled to do – you must aggressively regain control of the needs they are not entitled to control. Honestly, in 99% of cases, this is going to shake most manipulators. The most irritating manipulators are usually overreaching their entitlements. You can either inform them that you are aware of this, or ignore them entirely. Keep in mind that you will probably never convince them of reality – they are well aware it exists and are avoiding it. Don’t waste energy for "the greater good". If you must do something in retaliation, find what you have power over them in and use that – but be aware of any unseen powers they may have.

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Second, supposing they do have the right to control this need, can you trick them into giving it to you anyways? Think about Indiana Jones and the bag of rocks. If someone forces you to agree with them, do it and then later act as if you didn’t. Flake on them. The manipulator is going to tell you that you are a chair and try and come back and sit on you – you must absolutely let him fall on his ass. Keep in mind, this is for one-time ordeals; Salesmen are great for this - you can say yes to anything to get them to shut the fuck up, but it is meaningless unless you sign on the dotted line - so just don't. But it can be used for chronic manipulators who you have to interface with, if they are not in control of something major such as pay. Use your judgement.

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Next, seek alternatives. if your wife says she does not owe you sex, she is right. But you also do not owe her a marriage. If your boss says he does not have to give you a raise, he is right. But you can work for somebody who will pay market rate. Keep in mind, in this case, you will have to assess the consequence of going around them vs. the value. Is it worth divorcing your wife if she refuses sex once? No. Is it worth it if she refuses sex for a year straight? You tell me. But you must remember that your need CAN be met – if not by her, by somebody – but it can be met. Again, they will try and shake you and claim no alternative exists - don't ever take their word for this, why would they ever tell you an alternative exists?

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Lastly, if you have no other option, just submit. For example, you may want to take over the United States so you can be the true Alpha. But you will sooner be killed than do any such thing. You can go pretty far, but at some point you will be stopped and be powerless. The point here is that, there is a point when you have to just deal with reality as it is. The idea is to avoid submission when it is not necessary.

Conclusion

We are all manipulated, all the time. Most of the time, it is net-positive and there is really nothing to worry about. Should you ever be attacked by somebody trying to manipulate you for net-negative power-seeking purposes, I hope you can use this guide to analyze and defeat the attacker, or otherwise to reduce their threat potential, and basically reduce your anxiety about the situation.