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- Hide Preview | 101 Comments | submitted 9 months ago by clon3man [Post Locked]

Introduction

It is a dangerous thing to be overprotected or over-controlled by anyone, and much more so your parents. Much like TRP teaches you to look at what people do, and not what they say, you should apply this concept to close friends and family. Make sure their controlling overprotective behavior is at the very least coherent and aligned with a long term success strategy . If you think they won't hate you after you fail at life after following their instructions, you're wrong. They'll make you sick and they'll make themselves sick because much of their happiness stems on your success. You need to save them from themselves by saving yourself from them. There is an epidemic of people with no identity, no risk tolerance, who are becoming damaged and dysfunctional as adults - and this is a concept that just emerging in the mainstream collective.

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Summary

Lack of risk taking early in life depletes people's sense of purpose and demotivates their dopamine system to even bother with anything meaningful. Instead of learning from their mistakes and trying new things, they retreat into their tightly knit familiar activities or close family with zero life excitement and many regrets. I wish I could say they end up just living boring lives paying bills, but today, with the epidemic of burnout, anxiety and depression, and lack of rewarding physical labor jobs, most people with this mindset are lucky if they can function in society at all.

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Main Idea

Coming from a 2nd gen immigrant background living in North America, I have come to believe and witness that many overprotective or controlling parents aren't so much concerned with the end-to-end success of their offspring, but they are instead living day-by-day with self-masturbatory virtue signaling on what behavior their kids should and should not do. They are afraid of making some mistake that will directly lead to failure or harm to their kids, but they have no conceptualization of long term harm caused by control and keeping them "close" and living with them. They can't at all accept a young adult who talks back or defies them in any way, but they are not all worried with gradually raising an overly compliant failure with major issues. While they do a good job of raising kids who go to school, have good manners, who stay away from drugs, crime, and teen pregnancy, (compared to under-parenting cultures), they generally fail badly at preparing young adults for real life.

Once they begin to realize their kid is not moving forward they can't admit that they played a part in this, so they begin resenting their own kids and accuse them of failing to follow one of their many micromanaged instructions. "If only you'd be organized, like I told you your life wouldn't be such as mess".

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Useful Parenting for raising Young Adults

Becoming a functioning adult requires a number of skills and physical attributes that must be developed. Is your family actively hindering you in any of the following critical young adult development activities?

- Reasonable safe experimentation with alcohol or drugs and dating in your late teens and 20s, in order to take risk and develop into a complete person

- Encouraging regular social outings with a wide variety of people of different walks of life

- Discouraging cancerous overuse of social networks

- Regular exercise even if it's just walking

- making an effort to maintain a relationship with aunts and uncles whom your parents are not fond of; not turning their personal resentment into a barrier for your to explore other family dynamics

- Encouraging you to take student jobs outside your immediate comfort zone

- encouraging you to participate in engaging activities with the opposite sex for reasons other than securing grandchildren

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Red Flags of toxic parenting

- Excessive concern for physical damage to the family's home (after all, they want you to live there forever)

- All conversations are about doing homework and succeeding in university, without any meaningful conversations about the content of the classes

- Virtue signaling about violent video games, alcohol use

- When you leave the home, the most important thing is that you don't forget your scarf and boots. it could be a huge job interview that you're late for, but hey, not dying of hypothermia is the real thing to be concerned with here.

- time spent on the phone discussing how disgraceful someone else's kids are

- And the biggest one - Uncomfortable conversations quickly shut down or explosive argument very likely

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tl-dr;

Controlling and stubborn people in all walks of life are cancer. People generally do what makes them feel right, not what's in your best interest. You'll survive their BS if you're really IQ smart or really resistant to anxiety naturally. IF. Is that what you really want? The best-case scenario is you're a shell of what you could be, and the likely scenario is that you're miserable - and the people who love you, loved you so much that they hate you now, and hate themselves?

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[-] [deleted] 118 Points 9 months ago

- And the biggest one - Uncomfortable conversations quickly shut down or explosive argument very likely

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this, all the time!

[-] [deleted] 30 Points 9 months ago

[deleted]

[-] Nautica51o 15 Points 9 months ago

This is insanely similar to my parents. I've honestly just limited my interactions with them to on the basis of whats necessary. They change the way they speak to you when you stop talking to them

[-] [deleted] 14 Points 9 months ago

and dare I say it, I might actually hate my parents. Not to the point where it affects me day to day, but they are just so infuriating, and still controlling. I despise being around them. Without revealing my age, I'm far too old for them to still act like they do!

[-] Ihatemoi 2 Points 9 months ago

I also understand where are you comming from. I am 26 years old, and my parents are controlling af. I cannot drink alchool in from of my dad on a social setting with my friends at home etc because he gets angry and pissed off, being extremelly unconfortable for all us involved. I get pissed off that all the time they are correcting me and saying everything I do wrong all the time.

All conversations are about doing homework and succeeding in university, without any meaningful conversations about the content of the classes.

this part of the post is so true as well.

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[-] ebaymasochist 4 Points 9 months ago

My mother usually panics when we disagree. My father flat out lies first and gets unreasonable angry when I challenge something he says/does.

I'm going to take a guess that when your mother was young, a simple disagreement between her parents probably turned into a huge fight which may or may not became physical. That's why she has such a strong reaction to it. For a few years with my son's mom, any simple disagreement had a 50/50 chance of turning into a huge fight which could lead to someone leaving and the family being split up. My parents stayed together, hers did not, it was just what she learned from seeing it happen so many times. I had to really teach her that people can fight and not leave forever. It never even crossed my mind as a possible answer to somewhat small problems.

This is either the second or first generation to really think about these things and I think it was mostly worse for our parents, like my dad was literally abandoned by his father many times, but he was always there for me, even though I couldn't really talk about personal stuff or ask for advice like some of my friends could with their dads.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 9 months ago

My father flat out lies

mine is becoming more and more of a compulsive liar as he gets older. Never anything big, but just constant little lies, usually in a way to shit on somebody else or make himself look better. Everytime I call him out on it, he goes crazy and causes an argument, and my mum usually just gets upset. Infuriating!

[-] [deleted] 9 months ago
[-] Ananonguy88 88 Points 9 months ago

I'm slowly learning to not be angry at may parents and own my shit. Sometimes it's still hard. The most sad thing to me is that after 18 years of living with them it's the strangers I've met after I had moved out that have taught me how to value myself, believe in myself, take risks, be confident, accept my flaws and work on bettering myself, basically how to self-respect and love myself. It's the stranger girl that told me she believes in me, I heard that for the first time in my life. I am still grateful to her for that as it was life changing, even though we are not together anymore. All these strangers, they took part in healing all the toxicity I took from home and doing homework my family failed at.

I also know that many people like me never had luck to get unplugged because of not meeting the right people. It's so fucking sad. It's a horrible perspective, and it's hard to blame your parents for anything since they took their shit from somewhere too and the also had shit luck of not getting better. The only thing I can blame them for is selfishness and putting their own wounds, fears and vices before their children and before themselves.

[-] NextBad 10 Points 9 months ago

> It's the stranger girl that told me she believes in me, I heard that for the first time in my life.

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I feel you man I found more love from complete strangers , when I heard my girl tell me if I lost my job we could just live in the woods(She was a out doors girl and always wanted too), I never did but it was still nice to hear I was more than a pay check

[-] Darknightysj 7 Points 9 months ago

That girl is probably lying.

[-] ReasonablyGoodMexica 5 Points 9 months ago

I don't see it that way. It's entirely possible she was being entirely truthful. It's just more likely she was wrong about what she would truly do.

Think about when a 5 years old is asked about Santa. She'll say he's real. She's being honest, yet that's false.

[-] Ihatemoi 1 Point 9 months ago

I also know that many people like me never had luck to get unplugged because of not meeting the right people.

In my case, it is because I have met the "wrong" people that has helped me get unplugged. During my 18 years I spent with my parents, and living a blue-pill fantasy with no responsibilities, nothing to harm the poor only child it was me, and at the same time telling me everything that was wrong with me, really fucked me up.

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After taking risks by myself and knowing the "real" world outside of my parents house and my shy, introverted shell, I got to know alcohol, I got to disobey them whenever I could and whenever it meant a benefit for my own. When meeting the wrong girl, it helped me woke up from the disney virgin fantasy they instilled on my brain.

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I know I own my shit, I know it is my responsibility to change everything, it is hard not to resent them though, even after all these years.

[-] magx01 1 Point 9 months ago

The only thing I can blame them for is selfishness and putting their own wounds, fears and vices before their children and before themselves.

Can you though? I don't believe that's under their control and ti would take a lot of work (plus recognizing it) to even get to the point where they could try to fix that.

[-] goblinboglin 62 Points 9 months ago

How can somebody write so much yet say nothing, the fuck?

[-] bakamoney 51 Points 9 months ago

Its a rant against his own parents.

[-] 2dfx 8 Points 9 months ago

Like Worf once said, "you talk much, but say little".

[-] AriesAsF 5 Points 9 months ago

Took the words out of my mouth

[-] clon3man 4 Points 9 months ago

This is a collection of ideas it's up to each person to decide what it means for them. No one can tell you how to deal with 20 years of family dynamic over the internet, just a warning that life is short.

[-] Imperator_Red 4 Points 9 months ago

Yet it has 90% upvotes. You really have to be patient and recognize the valuable posts yourself at this point because the average TRP user has degenerated so much. Upvote % means almost nothing.

[-] goblinboglin 6 Points 9 months ago

yeah, useless sheeple upvote anything

but im glad to see there are people who are aware

thanks bros

[-] Imperator_Red 14 Points 9 months ago

Even the title of this post is retarded. Shit test your parents. A shit test is a very specific thing that women do to men that they are dating or interested in. It is when they act out or challenge his dominance in some way to see if he is strong enough to stay with.

Is OP suggesting that we passively aggressively act out and challenge our parents' authority, and ditch them for new parents if they prove themselves unworthy? Read the fucking sidebar.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 9 months ago

[deleted]

[-] Imperator_Red 2 Points 9 months ago

Too dumb to even respond to.

[-] HomeHeatingTips 3 Points 9 months ago

Welcome to the internets. Please make yourself at home

[-] bakamoney 51 Points 9 months ago

Most people genuinely don't deserve to be parents. Period.

[-] GregHouse 24 Points 9 months ago

There is no proper way to raise a child. Children equally curse their parents for being too overbearing and controlling or being too liberal with them or something in between.

But ultimately once you they have stopped paying your bills you are no longer dependent on them. You can say "fuck off" to any advice they give that is controlling.

But should you blame them? No you shouldn't because its a pointless excuse trying to cover your own indivdual faults that ultimately is a 20/20 hindsight.

"If my parents were less toxic I would have a much better life right now!"

Yeah that shit is pointless. Its nice to recongnize if parents still evoke power over you, but its also blaming your third grade teachers she didn't swaddle your but enough so that's why you didn't get into ivy leagues.

You, the individual, are responsible for nearly everything in your life. Sure you can feel good about yourself blaming your parents, as to why you didn't succeed and aren't succeeding, but the truth its in an excuse, its procrastination. You don't have the things you want because you don't do it. You don't accelerate to your goals.

[-] AdmirableStretch 22 Points 9 months ago

Thanks; this is really insightful and you've managed to put into words the toxic anxiety-generating atmosphere in a house with immigrant parents.

These are the parents who do everything to get you to avoid dating through your teens, only to turn around and say "why aren't you married yet?!" as soon as you hit your 20s. Story of my life this is crazy!

Edit: the part about only discussing grades rather than the actual content of classes and not forgetting a scarf ebung the only thing they care about as you're heading off to an important interview .. WOW that really hit home. They're out to lunch. This always bothered me.

[-] 512165381 15 Points 9 months ago

You are describing malignant narcissism. Its a hot topic in psychology and self help. Asian families are particularly susceptible.

[-] bossplayaintraining 15 Points 9 months ago

Right... except that in today’s world this is basically impossible to do.

Rent is super expensive while wages are stagnant & opportunities for career advancement are non-existent, chaining the vast majority of our generation to our parents for fear of starvation otherwise.

And unless you have super-connected & powerful parents (or parents with connections in general that you can use), kiss any chances of getting a job goodbye.

If you have even one criminal citation from this risk-taking... which is way more likely now because of a combination of the surveillance state & overzealous cops & laws getting worse every year... you can forget about even getting a job... companies have 10,000 other applicants on the pipeline without criminal records.

And never forget the fact that kids who follow the overprotective parental script seem to always do way better materialistically than those who don’t; in today’s world, how well off you are materialistically is all that matters for social & sexual currency, not any of this character shit.

There’s also the fact that many wealthy Asian parents buy up property like crazy for their kids & bankroll everything for them while those kids study here in the West, making their lives way easier than those kids who have to bootstrap themselves. This makes rent & property prices way more expensive for the rest of us.

There’s no such thing as bootstrapping by yourself anymore. That’s not how this works. It’s all about who your family knows & has good relationships with.

This is the world of 2019, not the world of 1979. This post clearly misses that point.

Source: 22-year-old 2nd generation Canadian male, living in Toronto with his immigrant parents. What this post said describes my parents when I was a teenager to a tee & probably explains why my life is so fucked up, but I can’t kill the golden goose because doing so means that I starve & die out on the street.

[-] clon3man 12 Points 9 months ago

There's nothing wrong with being financially dependant on your parents in your 20s. I'm not saying be a hero. I'm saying be real careful about the safe path because you could be fucking yourself and everyone around you. You parents want you to be successful but they don't know how to help you, they only think they do. Some are worse than others, some people need to press eject others need only to make some major course corrections.

This isn't all about money. It's about survival of mental health in your 30s. Your 22 year old problems are a discomfort, not a tragedy, unless you're so dysfunctional you can't even go to work.

If nothing's going right make sure your shouldn't instead be in a rewarding physical job instead of a bachelor's degree that gives you no drive

[-] bossplayaintraining 4 Points 9 months ago

Fair enough. Working right now tho haha... accounting clerk... not living wage where I’m at tho if I struck out on my own... tho gettin a 3 bedroom apartment or some shit & getting a bunch of roomies to help with rent would probably help with that.

And tbh, my parents have gotten way better about this stuff over the last couple of years.... but from when I was 11-19... oh my fucking god. It was like living under Gestapo. ESPECIALLY MY MOM. My Indian Mom. Worse than the NSA.

On the alcohol & drugs point... I did experiment with alcohol but not drugs... I didn’t do that shit on the reg because I kind of wanted to be able to drive all the time... where I’m from (Ontario, Canada), the impaired driving laws are probably the harshest & most restrictive on the planet (they can give you breathalyzer tests basically at any time without a warning; if you drove 2 hours before or after that test, which doesn’t have to be proven, & someone else’s word is always taken for it, you automatically get charged with DUI no matter what.) Oh yeah, & my dad has also said: “I catch you on drugs, I knock you out.” I tbh don’t like alcohol anyway.

My mom is a massive clean freak & super snobby about her standard of living... she said “I’ll never go back to the poorhouse, to the fucking ghetto, to fucking trailer trash” to me all the time growing up. Which is probably why I can’t stand the thought of slumming it for a few years away from them like everybody else apparently did at my age.

I can play devil’s advocate on the mental health point... you succeed in life hardcore, you can afford all the therapy you need in your 30s & beyond haha.

But yeah, how I overcame it was pretending to play by their rules on the outside while trying to keep my rebellion as secret as possible. For example, I didn’t go to house parties or go out with friends or anything like that, but I did attempt PUA in high school & used to spend a lot of time on PUA & Red Pill websites. They found out about a lot of stuff, & came down on me hard for it, because I was stupid enough to brag about it to everybody else, but I still won because eventually they realized that I knew myself better than they knew me, & that if I needed help, I would come to them. I also started standing up for myself with the help of a friend... the arguments got to the point where I nearly got kicked out of the house multiple times & my dad tried to fight me at least twice, but when I showed I wouldn’t back down & started telling them how I truly felt instead of trying to continue playing the game, they stopped harassing me.

So now my house is peaceful & loving & relatively equal again.

But yeah, what they did to me in those teenage years when I tried to break out on my own & made mistakes doing it FUCKED ME UP. I have massive social anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness & despair towards life, & I constantly daydream about what my life could’ve been like if I didn’t get fucked over the way I did. Not just by my parents but by authority figures in general. In addition to being harassed by my parents, I was also bullied in middle school & then framed as the bully & blamed for everything that went down with that situation, & was nearly expelled because I fought back & tried to stand up to the bullies.

Looking back I would say I’m actually one of the lucky ones. I have a 125 IQ & am super resistant to negative social conditioning. I just speak for all those who had to go through this shitshow who didn’t make it. There are tens of thousands of stories like mine in my city that turned out much worse than I did... I read them on the news every day.

I’m starting to recover from this shit now, but a lot of the psychological remnants & thought processes of being under overprotective parents are still there. And I still feel like I wasted my potential & could’ve been far, far better & done much, much more. To me it’s a tragedy because had I not internalized that negative social conditioning, I believe I could’ve been a legend. I want full recovery. That’s my goal.

[-] dobbekz 3 Points 9 months ago

man you just said yourself you don't Wana slum it out. you can't succeed if you don't Wana take some small risks.

[-] BandzThrowaway 1 Point 9 months ago

Your story’s a lot like mine man, ended up having to bounce around the foster care system, group homes, and living in shitty conditions to get away from them at a young age. Even slept in parks and benches to get away from them. Now the power dynamics completely flipped and I’m at the top after I fought my dad and won, still looking to get out though. Started acing my classes, smashing hoes and getting a job lined up now.

Every day you have to visualize that a year from now you’ll be at a much better place and with TheRedPill, there’s not stopping how far you can go man. Cheers!

[-] scissor_me_timbers00 1 Point 9 months ago

Why do you say it’s about survival of mental health in your 30s?

[-] LaserEyes2029 10 Points 9 months ago

You're a little bitch... Deal with it

[-] bossplayaintraining 4 Points 9 months ago

Yeah I’m a conditioned, brainwashed little bitch. I realized what I was yelling was mostly based on my old social conditioning & what I was taught on the news. I was parroting shit.

[-] Managicall 8 Points 9 months ago

If you have even one criminal citation from this risk-taking...

Criminals get better social networking than you. Squeaky wheels and rubbery necks, you know I am right.

And unless you have super-connected & powerful parents

Adopt one its easy, no paper work for adopting a parent.

[-] ebaymasochist 2 Points 9 months ago

Adopt one its easy, no paper work for adopting a parent.

this is good advice.. I could be running three companies right now by stepping into some other guy's shoes, being the prodigal son, letting an older guy take me under his wing and not fuck up so badly like his real kid did. I was too proud to take the opportunity when it was there.

[-] dobbekz 3 Points 9 months ago

I'd say it depends on your relationship with your parents. my family is 1st Gen immigrant in canada and I've hated them for a long time. I've also bin in Toronto and I'm younger then you. thing is you need to lose your pride to be willing to succeed. I'd rather deal with homelessness, welfare, sleeping on street or sketchy buildings etc. then with my family. think about it your parents buying all your food and housing you is the same as welfare since your not "earning it". if you have a good relationship with your family this is fine but when people constantly hold the fact that they're housing you or paying for your food I couldn't tolerate that. I guess the worst thing when you're in bad living conditions or homeless is the cold since this is Canada. you really have to watch out for that and how to go around it. but still if you hate your family enough it's better to cut them off.

[-] BandzThrowaway 1 Point 9 months ago

All the things you’ve listed, I’ve ended up doing to reduce their power. Very similar experience to yours man. Hope you find success.

[-] NextBad 1 Point 9 months ago

> Source: 22-year-old 2nd generation Canadian male, living in Toronto

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In American factories pay 22$ a hour with no degree requirement, with over time you make about 32$ a hour. I don't know about Canada but the US is killing it with money.

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It's only impossible because you believe it to be.

[-] BandzThrowaway 1 Point 9 months ago

Those wealthy Asian children might look like they have everything good, but they have no concept of the value of a dollar or hard work or what it means to be a native in the country they’re in. Start looking at the percentage of them who end up making a living for themselves instead of living off their parents’ money. As an Asian who was raised in the hood and clawed my way up to a corporate job, I know a bunch of these people. With conflict and hardship comes success. People who are spoiled and wealthy don’t have that same drive for working and climbing up as you might.

[-] patrixxxx 13 Points 9 months ago

Well spoken. As a father of a 7 and 11 year old boy I'm taking notes :)

[-] jalapenotrp 4 Points 9 months ago

Oh gosh, I think about these things almost everyday, I have a 12 years old boy too.

This resonated well with my fears as a father, and the type of life I want to instill on my son..

[-] AriesAsF 13 Points 9 months ago

Aw poor baby snowflake, you've got a free place to live and supportive parents willing to help you go to college and you're on here complaining about them being concerned about their grown-ass son causing "physical damage to the family's home" (the fuck?), wanting you to succeed in university regardless of your class choices, wanting you to be careful with videogaming and alcohol use, not wanting you to get cold and *gaasp* gossiping. Oh poor, poor precious you. I hope your parents clue in soon on your utter lack of gratitude and kick you out on your ass so you have a chance to face some real problems and become a real man.

[-] Scorptice 33 Points 9 months ago

This is the kind of answer one of those cancerous parents would give.

[-] AriesAsF -8 Point 9 months ago

And this is the kind of post a cancerous child would write. If you're 18, and you don't want to live with your parents anymore then move. the. fuck. out. Otherwise, eat shit and shut up.

[-] clon3man 13 Points 9 months ago

If you think this post is for people who are 18, then it's no wonder its content doesn't resonate with you. There are able-bodied people in my extended family who are 50 living in the apartment upstairs. This is not the exception, it's the rule.

[-] Reformed65 12 Points 9 months ago

I hope your parents clue in soon on your utter lack of gratitude and kick you out on your ass so you have a chance to face some real problems and become a real man.

So therefore you agree with OP's claim that overprotective parents do not allow thier child to face real problems and therefore raise a weak man?

[-] NextBad 4 Points 9 months ago

I see what your saying, but children would rather live in a car , than a loveless home, this is why so many people believe the American dream is dead, because money and wealth bring little happiness.

[-] KeffirLime 3 Points 9 months ago

Over bearing parenting has cancerous effects on individuals when they hit adulthood. They're left incompetent and incapable of independently conducting themself as a flourishing member of society.

It's partly why we have such a fragile landscape at the moment, going to great lenghts to censor free speech, create safe spaces, trigger warnings.

A Coddling mom and Dad is what allows victimhood culture to flourish. The world is simply not as sensitive to your wants and needs as mommy and daddy were.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/

[-] Imperator_Red 1 Point 9 months ago

True... but OP lists "Excessive concern for physical damage to the family's home" as a sign of negative parenting. This is a clown post.

[-] ebaymasochist 1 Point 9 months ago

I hope for his sake he means when he was like 5 they locked him in a cage so he couldn't put a dent in the floor by walking on it too quickly

[-] NormalAndy 9 Points 9 months ago

It’s a good start to the discussion though. The issue is being protective rather than over protective.

And it’s not easy when you have big money in the shape of the state and insurance companies who don’t want you stepping out of line, let alone taking risks.

Hence the fear based promotions we constantly see in the media.

Teaching your children how emotions affect us and how we can transcend them in order lead an authentic life is the biggest challenge. It’s not taught at school and the attention economy is ruthlessly exploiting this blind spot as we become increasingly attached to ‘the screen’.

Just teach your kids to switch off and then Jeep presenting healthier, usually riskier alternatives.

And keep doing it- you can’t afford to lose the battle. You will have to help them build resilience as failure keeps coming to call in its various forms. You will have to deal with blame, anger and resentment too.

But that is the point. The appeal of the attention economy is that it works as a legal anesthetic for children while they are in your care and it’s hard to challenge this easy option when you’re already working hard. But dealing with negativity in healthy ways is everything. If they don’t learn it with you then they will be far too vulnerable when they leave to begin their own life.

Best of luck and stay strong! (Another great example for your kids.) :-)

[-] [deleted] 9 Points 9 months ago

That hits home way too much

[-] seki2306 7 Points 9 months ago

That's exactly what has happened to me. Every time I wanted to take care for my own shit they said "Let us do it". And stupid me let them to do it. Now, having 21 years and being an adult child every day is struggle to become a man, to grow up and unplug. But blaming them wouldn't make sense, it would be a waste of time. Hope I'll get there soon.

[-] silent_dominant 7 Points 9 months ago

The "red flags" perfectly describe my ex's parents and it is probably the main reason I ended up breaking up with her.

[-] uwey 5 Points 9 months ago

Move out and cut off connections.

I did that and I was doing totally fine. When you are too close to anyone they will begin to disrespect you. When you leave them enough distance until they can’t comprehend or figure what is your next move you will win in their mind.

They probably hate you more, but can’t never say it in your face.

Distance build respect. Have you ever see or hear anyone jealous President of United States? No? Because POTUS is too far from their grasp and they can’t imagine it. But they will for I SWEAR MY GOD DAMNED LIVE jealous and hate someone in their social circles.

“Look James and his new sports car, how dare him drive that? He have 4 kids to feed and a wife don’t work, what a racist white extremist”

“Andy is such a cunt, he change girl like t shirt, must have AIDS”

“He just have money and no live, I wouldn’t want to do anything of that”

Parents failure in life because they choose certain path and never risk anything, yet their kids dare to try hard? Fuck no, I want them to succeed but never better than me.

I sum up with current state of social philosophy. Jealous, hate, and bigotry.

Whoever accuses first normally the biggest failure and full of shit.

Build your image in other people’s mind. Creat mental scarcity, and shape-shifting act with grandiosity and bigger better self. You don’t even need to believe it. But you need to know when, how, and why you use intimidation, showmanship, and humble bragging. To build people’s jealousy and respect at SAME time. Make sure kiss right ass and suck right dick, don’t piss off wrong people while you play social show.

And don’t forget destroy your enemy by leave them no satisfaction or reputation smear attack to evaporate their social credit. If you do it in sniper way no one will know is you. Plan your scapegoat so you can ditch and toss. Game is fun.

Smear someone may have AIDS is a very good start. He or she may have perjury criminal record or get fired because they are lazy and have mental problems from abusive relationship.

Be a social psychopath monster but look meek and blend most of the time. You only show off under careful management and only bite to kill.

Blend in and be deadly to build reputation like mob boss.

[-] throwaway26180081 4 Points 9 months ago

Worst of the all stuff is that they see me as their second pension fund.

[-] TruthSeekingPerson 4 Points 9 months ago

This is really important. Mother's in particular may shit-test their kids and it is usually best to fight back. Parent-child is a power dynamic like any other relationship.

As someone who grew up in a controlling and highly abusive environment, I can say I had a lot more power than I thought. I could've pushed back against my parents by quitting sports, acting up at school, leaving the house to do whatever I wanted,and even physically fighting back.

If I had pushed my covert narc mother she would have folded lest her abuse become known to the public. That was her biggest fear.

I read that the less love and support a child gets the more he/she is scared of losing that small amount of love and support. That was the case in my situation. But to fight back (both physically and mentally) is to self-love and free yourself from that abuse.

[-] ticklethegooch1 3 Points 9 months ago

It reads like a manifest of a child of an Indian or Pakistani parent. I think your problems are situated in specific kinds of social groups as in "traditional" homes, which also includes over religious families.

I experienced the opposite. Just basic rules, no lying, keeping your word and stay out of trouble. The rest was freedom. As a child, I cherished my parenting when I saw how my peers were controlled by their parents. When I later comprehended the history of my mother's upbringing, I learned that her method of schooling was just an antidote to the methods of her upraising - control and distrust.

I think in the book The Fragile Bond: In Search of an Equal, Intimate and Enduring Marriage, the author wrote that the go-to strategy most of the parents is: doing the opposite of how their parents raised them, if it caused them psychological or physiological harm. I think this book was meant for a western audience.

If my prejudices of your background story is true, then you know Anu Aunty is strong and often enough you are living a double life. I agree with you. To make your parents proud you need to be independent, successful (in your way) and still give them credit for parts of it, or you will never get peace.

[-] darkstar1031 3 Points 9 months ago

Sounds to me like you need two scoops of HOOAH so you can have a frame of reference for just how fucking good you have it. Be glad. Very very glad that you have parents who actually give a fuck. Who feed you, give you a warm bed to sleep in, and generally do what they can to save you from your own self-destructive tendencies.

It is clear that you have been living in the lap of luxury for FAR too long, and have been coddled your entire life. Quit bitching, get off of your fat ass and do some fucking work. I'm 100% serious, men like you desperately need to spend a couple of years in the military getting yelled at for being a useless leech on society because your father couldn't be bothered to teach you how to be a man.

[-] clon3man 2 Points 9 months ago

exactly the type of advice that would be useful to someone who is 20. Someone's who's set in their ways at 30 will quit after day 1.

[-] boo_radley_awesome 3 Points 9 months ago

As a second-generation Cuban American, this post COMPLETELY hits home and encapsulates everything I have felt in regards to my upbringing. Culture plays a big part into the programming but it also hinders and holds back, as you have mentioned.

I think a vital part of the Red Pill experience isn't just recognizing the reality of the way things are and what is going on, but accepting and moving on in spite of it- which isn't always easy.

It's very difficult to wake up after 30 years of living only to realize pretty much everything was a lie and oh yeah, the people who were pretty much responsible for preparing you to take on life did the completely opposite, they were actually just holding you back

[-] throwitdownman 2 Points 9 months ago

There’s a lot of conjecture and projecting going on with OP. Interesting, however not an objective opinion.

There’s a lot of nuance to this topic. Hard to apply this as a theorem to other people’s lives. Hope OP feels better getting this off his chest.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 9 months ago

[deleted]

[-] NextBad 1 Point 9 months ago

If you teach them please make sure they actually enjoy it , your kids will probably enjoy spending more time with you than learning new things

[-] Imperator_Red 2 Points 9 months ago

Wahhhh my parents were too nice to me and wouldn't let me break shit in their home! Wtf is this?

[-] clon3man 1 Point 9 months ago

do you live in some Italian family with plastic on the sofa? Strawman harder

If people goals are truely to get somewhere in life they don't hyperfocus on preserving the shine on their furniture. It's choosing beggar behavior which people need to wake up to.

[-] Imperator_Red 2 Points 9 months ago

Strawman? You mean directly quoting what you wrote?

Excessive concern for physical damage to the family's home (after all, they want you to live there forever)

[-] throwawaybpdnpd 2 Points 9 months ago

Good thing I went no contact with my folks 5+ years ago, they match all criterias for toxic parenting; never been better

[-] smileyclown 2 Points 9 months ago

If people are so concerned about protecting kids from every little thing, then why have kids in the first place???? The best way to protect kids from any kind of problem is very simple. Don't have kids at all. 0 new borns = 0 problems. There should be a 50 year moratorium on birth world wide. People in todays world is so fucking stupid.

[-] SilenceOnTheWire 2 Points 9 months ago

My family right there, all of it. They are just a bunch of sad old people who never got anywhere in life and are afraid of ending up alone.

They keep me and my cousins around forever by sabotaging us and turning us against each other. My cousins can't seem to see that we are all just being used. Their problem. It's quite pathetic to seem them bend over backwards and stab each other in the back all for their worthless parents who are just using them.

​

You'll survive their BS if you're really IQ smart or really resistant to anxiety naturally. IF. Is that what you really want? The best-case scenario is you're a shell of what you could be, and the likely scenario is that you're miserable

​

Every generation one or a few naive schmucks in my family decide to take it upon themselves to "fix" the rest of the family, or to set an example. They just do it for the protagonism. The result is predictable: they are quickly parasited by everyone else, all sorts of envy, sabotaging and drama happen just to keep them around, the rest of the family holds the sword of Damocles' above their heads and pits them against each other, nothing is ever enough. These persons burn out faster than everyone else in the family and are replaced shamelessly soon afterwards. It's the whole Golden Child/scapegoat dynamic of cluster B families.

​

Red Flags of toxic parenting

All of the above.

[-] ryuamakusa_daq 2 Points 9 months ago

Sounds very Indian! The struggle is real guys. To the people in the comments section that have no experience with such parents. If a 25 year old child is on the path of self improvement, looking to accumulate power and wealth, it gets frustrating really quickly if he has not shit tested his parents since the time he was shitting in his diaper. Sure the parents may have been holding him back from free thought and action years ago (using intimidation tactics of abandonment, social shaming, etc) and now he has moved out and has a great "career job", but he has been institutionalized by the time he has gone through university. It might be too late to unplug depending on the severity of the issue. He tends to approach life in the same agreeable manner as he has had to with his parents.

[-] ebaymasochist 2 Points 9 months ago

They are afraid of making some mistake that will directly lead to failure or harm to their kids, but they have no conceptualization of long term harm caused by control and keeping them "close" and living with them.

This might sound bad right now since you are trying to deal with those side effects, but you need to be grateful because those overprotective tendencies likely saved your life more than a few times. Consider your ability to even think about your mental health a huge luxury, because you are alive, physically and mentally capable of doing so, and they didn't drop you on your head or let you put your dick in the electrical outlet, or let you get abducted in a store somewhere and murdered.. Yeah there are tradeoffs.. And maybe you would be better off homeless as some other people have commented, but maybe you would be the homeless guy who steps on a needle with HIV or gets stabbed to death in an alley over a pack of gum..

Happiness is gratitude, and you need to find a way to be grateful for who you are, what your parents have done for you, and all that you have that is good. I'm assuming you don't have children of your own yet, I am 28 and have a 3 year old son who is constantly trying to find new ways to kill or injure himself. A few years ago when I figured out my own parents were highly imperfect I would have said I would be so much better as a parent and fix all the quirks and issues passed down through the generations, but all that shit kind of goes out the window. When you see your kid who you have done so much to protect from predators and the weather, sick and miserable from bacteria or virus that you cannot even see, and are all but helpless to stop without the help of a doctor, you figure out that there is very little that can be controlled for them. You decide that you will protect the shit out of them and the things that you can control, you will be the master of. Honestly I'm not going to invest 6 years of parenting a baby/toddler/young child, then another 6 years of parenting a child, then 6 years of parenting a teenager.... Keeping them alive and fed and loved and everything else, just for that person to throw it all away out of spite for my insistance on keeping them alive.

Parenting is walking a fucking tight rope in every spare moment of your life for 18 years, and there's like an 80% chance your kid will either be a loser or hate you. And now pretty much 100% chance they will write something shitty about you on the internet for everyone to see. And just another reminder: This is why your brain wants you to have sex, to become a parent. That's why sex feels so good, to trick us into this

[-] Ihatemoi 1 Point 9 months ago

This really hits home. This brings up an issue that has rarely been discussed in TRP, and it is the implications of bad parenting in the development of individuals.

I "suffered" from this behaviour on an unconscious level during most of my teen years. I am an only child, during my whole life I used to be shy and introverted, which greatly compounded the lack of more varied perspectives of assesing the world other than my parent´s and my very limited social circle comprised of people like me.

Despite the good intentions of my parents, I grew up to become a rather risk averse individual, was always avoinding alcohol like the plague during most of my university and high-school years, and got always reprehended whenever I wanted to go out or do something "wild" because of how "dangerous" it may be.

Over time I realized that most of my current habits, bad experiences and blue-pill idealization of women, life, manhood was because of my parents fault. I am sure to recognize that despite it is their fault, it is my responsibillity to make a change, but it is hard not to feel regret and resentment against them, even if their intentions where inherently good and out of love.

[-] jonpe87 1 Point 9 months ago

as a psychologist I can say that your post is an A+, very good stuff. Wish we had more information like this, almost all kids that I worked for, or had that kind of parents or had no father

[-] 6ix9inesFaceTat 1 Point 9 months ago

I'm 22 years old and rarely go home because my parents are still very overprotective. It's weird. I'm a grown adult and can do things legally.

​

I'll visit them for holidays and stay a week or so. Don't have many friends in their area. They would not allow me to bring a girl back from a bar. They wouldn't like me staying at peoples houses they don't know. Obviously my solution is just don't go home. I have my own place states away where I can do whatever. But it's weird they try to control me and over parent at this stage of my life.

​

I can see where they are coming from I am in recovery and was a use of heavy drugs by the time I was 16. Spent years in different rehabs so obviously I'm sure they have some kind of PTSD but that's the past. It's hard to come back from that for them I guess.

[-] MarleyThomass 1 Point 9 months ago

You lost me at drugs and alcohol. I've seen what they can do and nobody needs that.

[-] ryuamakusa_daq 2 Points 9 months ago

Restricting it as a taboo, combined with other controlling behavior is what makes kids go crazy and addicted to drugs (including alcohol).

[-] clon3man 2 Points 9 months ago

have you seen what happens to people who discover opiates in their 30s instead of alcohol and weed in their 20s?

[-] metallicdrama 1 Point 9 months ago

All shitty parents want to believe that their kids were only successful because of their parenting and failed only because of a defective kid.

On the opposite end of this are parents who give zero fucks to the point of neglect and abusive distance. Parents that teach their kids nothing and provide zero feedback at all. Who are just waiting until they're 18 so they can kick them out and never be bothered again.

[-] [deleted] 8 months ago
[-] redpillcad 1 Point 9 months ago

This is assbackwards and written by someone still under mommy's spell

You dont shittest your parents when your a grownass man.

You handle them with amused mastery.

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[-] Olram_Sacul 1 Point 9 months ago

This shit triggers me. I used to hate my parents for being like this. Now Im 32 and trying just not to give a shit, but the resentment is still there, and I think it'll always be

[-] chazthundergut 1 Point 9 months ago

The sad thing is that parents are just ego-driven, narcistic people. Just like all people.

Every man must one day take responsibility for himself and forge his own way forward

[-] Polandball_fan 1 Point 9 months ago

My family, I love them to bits but they depress me sometimes with what they want me to do.

[-] mrnuttty 1 Point 9 months ago

Relatable. While easy for them to blame, it was hard for me to get out that victim mentality. After a certain point, I kept telling myself, I’m my own man and everything that I did was my decision regardless of their influence. I respect and adore my traditional family, but I’ve felt my growth hindered as a result of the upbringing environment I was placed under. It could definitely be worse but as with all things in life, there’s room for improvement. Regardless, I take it as learning experience of how to balance things in the future if I’m ever in that position.

My suggestion to anyone in this position is to don’t think of yourself as the victim but realize, although difficult, you are still making your own decision. So move mindfully throughout your interactions with them. And take action, “softly”, when you want to tell to your family that hey this isn’t a good thing and I don’t want to do this(convo, going home every weekend, ...etc).

[-] BandzThrowaway 1 Point 9 months ago

This is a huge issue in immigrant cultures, especially with Asian or Indian families. It took me running away at an early age and constantly pushing the boundaries and fucking around to stretch the envelope to a better place for my younger siblings.

[-] Zech4riah 1 Point 9 months ago

Well that is an interesting list of red flags...it's almost like you came up with 2 good ones and then had to throw in some fillers.

[-] clon3man 1 Point 9 months ago

Yeah that's true. A better way to handle this would to come up with 50 "red flags" and if you check off at least "10 boxes" then you know you have a problem.

Every situation is different. When I was growing up, if I slammed a door or stomped my foot in frustration, I'd be grounded for a week. If there was an issue with my homework or grades, that would blow over in a couple of hours. If some other kid tore my clothes in a fight they'd make a federal case out of it. These are the kind of "incongruities" I encourage people to look out for when thinking that other people have their best interests at heart.

​

[-] Zech4riah 1 Point 9 months ago

I guess you were a nice little kid.

It's always like that. If you are a good kid at your baseline, even the slightest misbehaviour will get you exaggerated punishment.

When on the other hand your constantly misbehaving brother stomps his foot, no one cares.

That's how the people work and I'm not sure if your parents were bad parents at all. You were just too nice at baseline.

[-] Philosophipster 1 Point 9 months ago

This is so recognisable. What creeps me out is how all the red flags you mentioned, my parents are guilty of. The absence of almost every good trait you mentioned, is also remarkable.

I've had parents who were always fighting and both overbearing as well as using the 'loose hands' methods for disciplining us whenever they were emotionally triggered on top of their daily struggles. This got to the point where we were not allowed to cook, because we would make 'the kitchen dirty' or 'not know how to clean, like my mom does'. Highly frustrating to go to uni and live with other students who can actually cook and clean, while you have 0 experience in the matter. I wish there was not more to that story.

Though my parents overcompensated with showering us with gifts and inviting our friends over for dinner parties, making sure the outside world never doubted that we were mistreated or not being spoiled. It's like living a double, extremely bipolar life, where on the outside you're supposed to act happy and be a trophy for your parents that they can show to the world, on the inside of the family you have to listen to everything they say and do everything they do. The lack of connection with family, due to my parents being horrible with people in close contact, also diminished any existing connections we had as kids with our nephews and nieces. Or any connection we had as brothers since we often got pitted against each other in order to avoid getting hit by a cane or fly swatter, etc. It really fucks you up as an adolescent.

In hindsight it's been incredibly damaging to my character, growth and general social skills. Since I've been talking to my brother after decades of non-communication, we realised now, in our 30s, that we both had lived half or broken lives due to our parents' influences. Mostly because it took over a decade in adulthood to recognise and accept that there is a problem and huge discrepancy with my peers. Now I'm just working on fixing the damage. I think it goes without saying I will never have kids thanks to that. Strange enough, it feels like my grown-up life is just beginning to take off. Such a weird feeling at this age.

[-] Hyper_Sonik 1 Point 9 months ago

My goodness, there are a lot of new and young users on this sub.....

[-] DocPBJ007 1 Point 9 months ago

Sometimes I spend time with them because they are lonely, and did give birth to me and cared for me so much

[-] BackVan 1 Point 9 months ago

This is an increasing issue in the modern world which rarely gets discussed. A big factor as to why there are so many adults in their 20s and 30s living with their parents, is that their parents do not want them to leave. Depending on what your relationship with your parents is like, you may need to go to an extreme to get their harmful experience out of your life.

In my own case, I lived alone and have not been dependent on my parents for living costs since I was 18. This was very deliberate, I needed to escape the family home. However, that did not break the control my parents had over me. My father insisted on being involved in every decision I took as an adult, and would turn violent if I did not do what he said. My mother would just insist that I do what my father told me to do, and would start crying if I didn't.

I was also roped into "helping" my father with his work every time he clicked his fingers, where I would be insulted and talked down to. If I disagreed with him, or if I was busy, then he would take out his anger on my mother who would then keep calling me in tears, saying how bad it is at home right now because I refused my father, until I backed down and agreed to do the work. This was in addition to my father never helping me, making promises that he did not fulfil because he was too lazy to get out of bed.

I used to believe they would back off when I reached some arbitrary measure of success or independence, however, the more independent I became the worse my parents were to me. This was when I realised that they would never get any better and they would always hold some power over me unless I did something. I also realised it would be impossible for me to do anything that I wanted to do in my life with them in the picture. One day, after a nasty argument where my father threatened my mother in a completely unacceptable way, I walked out and did not return, telling them that I will not accept this behavior and I am not prepared to have a relationship with them unless they sort themselves out and apologize. This was about three years ago, and I have not received the apology or any meaningful communication with my parents since. Sadly, this has meant that a big chunk of my family sided with my father and will not speak to me now.

I do have some regrets for cutting my parents off, but ultimately it was the best decision (or only decision). I would much rather live a life free from control, than live with a nasty uncaring family that only wants the best for them.

My advice is to look at what your parents do - not what they say (this goes for other people as well), and don't be afraid to cut them out of your life if necessary. It is impossible to live any meaningful life with people who drag you down and prevent you from succeeding - this includes family as well.

[-] Benandcindy 1 Point 9 months ago

As a parent I am distressed to see how little understanding some of these posts represent . My family has been in the USA for many generations with a long tradition of college and achievement , but I can understand any parent being concerned about their child’s welfare and safety and choices . Especially when there is an ESL situation, has anyone considered that the grade might be the most comprehensible part of courses their child is taking ? Especially when memories of hardship and deprivation are only a grandparent away, has anyone considered that warmth and food and safety are treasures, gifts, precious commodities , all won through leaving one life behind and taking up another. ? Has anyone considered that an out of wedlock pregnancy or an ill advised marriage are the nightmares of loving parents everywhere that does not practice forced marriage ( and perhaps even in those cultures more than outsiders realize)?

This is what parents often say and it applies so often : WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE A PARENT yourself before judging. Of course a disturbed parent may project their disordered thinking on a child but that is - I would assert- distinguishable from just wanting their child not to suffer or (and this is legitimate ) make their family suffer.

This will doubtless garner poisonous retaliation but - consider why you are so poisonous before pressing “send”.

[-] clon3man 1 Point 9 months ago

My theory is that there isn't much wrong with most types of overprotective parenting until the kid is about 17. it's usually a better choice compared to under-parenting.

Every situation is different. One point that I probably didn't hit home well enough is to look for signs and symptoms that the over protection is being done without logic. If you over-control your kids and you're also balls-deep into their success, being aware of what they are doing, how, and why, that's not necessarily optimal, but at least it's consistent. You're controlling but you're consciously controlling.

Some people just like to control for no reason and they aren't conscious of what they are even controlling from day to day. They get pissed because you're staying at home playing videogames, then they get pissed when you stay out with friends, then they get pissed at their extended family and warn you not to go see them. I see this kind of shit all the time. They are just always angry and controlling everything, there's no mission, there's no roadmap. Then when things don't go well they try to control even more shit. Then they spend a 1 month not giving a fuck about anything because it's not sustainable. Then it starts over. It's just buried insecurity and resentment and its awful.

​

I'd like for people to look closely at controlling entities that don't know their elbow from their foot. There are a lot of people out there who are not in financial and social distress that have nothing better to do than try and control everyone.

​

[-] iwishiwasgayandcute 1 Point 9 months ago

Good post, I see myself in your description. I am 19 years old and on the verge of moving out. What could you advice people like us with overprotective parents?