As human beings we’re biologically conditioned to be averse to rejection and failure. It’s why we feel nervous when speaking in front of crowds, on first-–and sometimes multiple–-dates, or asking for that big promotion at work.
At the same time we’re constantly seeking rejection’s opposite–-validation–-whether it’s on social media, SOD, from co-workers, family members, lovers, etc.
The reason is simple: we evolved in tribes. Small tribes and bands of 20-30 individuals, huddling together against oblivion in the day to day struggle to survive.
Validation in these conditions–-whether praise for physical traits or skills–-reaffirmed our position in the tribe, and could often improve it. Rejection and failure, on the other hand, meant a loss of social status and other negative consequences: less food, fewer mating opportunities, and potentially, exile.
For example, suppose a young man continually brought home large animals because he was extremely accurate throwing a spear–-his status in the tribe would surely improve. The chiefs would likely grant him better sleeping quarters, a larger share of the food, and appoint him as a leader of future hunts. In addition, women in the tribe would see this success and find him more attractive as a mate.
But the reverse is also true. Suppose the same young man chose a poor spot to camp, his hunting party spent the night getting attacked by mosquitos, and they came back empty handed after a long day’s hunt. We can guess that it wouldn’t take too many of these episodes before his place in the tribe was diminished.
So our need to seek validation and our deep fear of rejection and failure makes perfect sense from an evolutionary standpoint.
The irony is that in modern society it’s just the opposite.
It’s not that validation doesn’t matter–-we’re still a meritocracy last I checked–-it’s just that most of the validation we seek lacks any tangible benefit. Getting likes on Facebook or Insta rarely confers any real value, and yet people spend countless hours posting photos, videos, memes, and GIFs complete with hashtags and flair and all the other bells and whistles so their followers will click that little heart at the bottom of the screen. In short, people who are not celebrities spend a lot of time and energy behaving as if they are and gain nothing for it.
As for rejection and failure, it almost never matters unless it’s publicly broadcast, and often not even then. When it comes to dating for example, what real harm is there if a girl doesn’t give me her number or flakes? None. It doesn’t mean other women will do the same, nor does it prevent me from meeting more.
It’s the same with applying for a new job or promotion. You don’t get it? Who cares. There are almost certainly other jobs, other positions, other promotions. And when it comes to starting a business, most successful entrepreneurs will tell you that they either failed many times before they flourished, or that it was a particular failure early on in the business that helped them right the ship.
And yet, the fear of rejection, the need for validation, drives so many of our interactions.
The danger is two-fold:
- With validation it’s that we get focused on the wrong things: social media, matching on SOD, beating video games, and/or altering our behavior to gain approval from others in the absence of any real benefit. In other words, it’s a time suck.
- With rejection and failure it’s that we forgo countless opportunities because we’re afraid of a boogie man who doesn’t exist–scared to death of something that 99% of the time carries no consequences whatsoever.
TL;DR--stop worrying about rejection or validation in the abstract or isolated instance. Instead, build processes and systems that are based on solid theory. Systems and practices are greater than results--especially in the short run.
mrmaldoror 5y ago
I like to add when it comes to rejection in life, that some things are just completely out of your control so do not sweat it.
Future_Alpha 5y ago
That is believable if you get rejected periodically. If its constant rejection after rejection after every approach, its that you're ugly. Nothing much can be done about that.
machocornflakes 5y ago
Many things are in your control, stop trying to sugar coat it.
Keep going regardless on whether you are rejected or not, because remember, you are outcome independent.
odaklanan_insan 5y ago
I agree. Later on after a date or flirting with a girl, I check my memory and see how she have responded to certain things I've said or did.
I can pull out certain things that I've done right and wrong. So, I know that I'm gonna have a stronger hand next time. It's all about experience.
hammerhearth 5y ago
The only thing in your control is the ability to stop giving a fuck about your bitch ass emotions
machocornflakes 5y ago
Surely the process of interaction is in your control, you more than she is.
Women just follow.
empatheticapathetic 5y ago
You can’t determine whether it was out of your control or not.
FalconWrite 5y ago
That's the point. In situations like that, you can't know. So like he said: don't fucking sweat it.
Rushin_Rulet 5y ago
It's not ideal for figuring out what you did wrong though. since summer time I've had a few first dates and a couple job interviews. Nothing came out of any of them. If I was simply less qualified for the job or there was no chemistry on her part in any of these situations, then it's out of my control and I can just move on. If it was something I was doing or saying that I was unaware of, it would be better for me to know so I can improve on that. Shitty thing is though that it's pathetic to go to either an HR dept or a girl who isn't responding and ask what I did wrong, so I'm just left guessing.
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boy_named_su 5y ago
Your selling Ferraris. Not everyone that comes in is going to buy one.
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locomotronn 5y ago
Holy fuck. This is so strong
420KUSHBUSH 5y ago
So simple yet so elegant, well said
ReformSociety 5y ago
What is SOD? Social Online Dating?
Spelling out the acronym the first time it appears is usually a good way to make sure all the readers are informed.
Thanks for the post.
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GeminiSix6 5y ago
I'm wondering the exact same thing
_ramu_ 5y ago
This is kinda a problem in this sub. Reading as a newcomer is most of the time hard as hell.
DeChef2 5y ago
Yeah it was super confusing for me as well, just READ THE SIDEBAR (there’s a post in there with most of the acronyms), but that’s all I got.
coin_pwr 5y ago
When it comes to women, a good way to spin it is that there no such thing as rejection, only confirmation of bad taste ;-)
Also, in life, you can do everything right and still end up losing. Shit happens, you get up and move forward.
NabroleonBonaparte 5y ago
This is one of those simple lessons that can dramatically alter your life depending on if you heed it or ignore it.
So many ppl want to do the “right” thing and listen to everyone else and what they say is right. That’s why it’s important to be self-oriented. You can listen to people’s ideas and advice but only if they have credibility (proven success or high quality experience).
This is major when you want to take advantage of unconventional or emerging opportunities. So many rigid minded ppl would say you’re crazy and you should take the “proper” path, pulling you back into mediocrity.
I’ve recently had to leave a job after realizing it was a dead end. Me being a millennial while the majority of management were boomers, left me no shortage of hearing bullshit from ppl that didn’t know what they were talking about. To them millennial was analogous to original sin and I was too ignorant to be respected..... yet whenever they needed to unfuck their documents and reports, I was the first to be consulted. Then outsiders tell me I should be thankful for the opportunity to eat shit at their pace.
Fuck the validation and opinions of others
Learn your truth, do your research, then execute and reflect on your wins and losses.
hearse223 5y ago
Because you only have 1 life.
Reminder, you have 1 life so no regrets.
vileoat 5y ago
After I started improving my self near a year ago, my life went 180°.
I was afraid of rejection. I was better not act then being shut down.
But now.. I duckling love it! You see, when I started approaching chicks daily I had huge anxiety. It was like jumping with parachute. Quickly I became pretty successful and anxiety started to wane... And approaching started becoming pretty boring. I would stop doing it if not.. rejections. They make it fresh. They make everything great.
Got rejected by HB8? Go and hit on that HB9 at the next table! Got rejected at job interview for junior manager position? Go to there competitor and apply for medium hand manager (or how is it called in English?)! Challenge the world around you and your self. Break the bloody limits in your head.
Go. Try. Get rejected. Improve. Win
Tldr rejections are awesome since they bring challenge and driving force to strong
INNASKILLZ2K18 5y ago
For myself, in specific regards to women, taking the pill has really changed my take on, and relationship to rejection.
When I was bluepill, I hated rejection. It meant losing a oneitis, losing a princess, going through the 'I'm not good enough', feeling less than, hating myself, blah blah blah. Rejection would equal a world of emotional and psychological pain.
Because rejection was so terrible, not approaching women directly was good. It saved the pain of rejection. Of course, with not approaching, NOTHING can ever fucking happen. All messed up psychology. Fear, and avoidance keeping me stuck in the same place.
Now, if I don't approach an easy target, I get really angry. Really frustrated at myself. Thanks to the pill, I handle rejection completely differently. I have abundance, prize, idgaf and independence outcome now. I learn, gain momentum, and can readjust for the next woman I'm interested in. Rejection isn't all about me, and I handle it like water off my back.
Because rejection isn't to be feared anymore, not approaching doesn't serve any purpose. There is no big scary rejection to avoid. Now, remaining passive kills everything, so it makes me angry, instead of the buffer it used to be.
Now, rejection has truly become much better than regret. I've actually learnt that by approaching, there is NO negative outcome. If I succeed, then I have another option. If I am rejected, then I strengthen my abundance, prize, idgaf and outcome independence. I adjust, have momentum, and the feeling like I still have balls. Rejection and success both have major pluses.
The ONLY failure now, is avoiding rejection by being passive. Fear of rejection is a major illusion. Most are going to not work out, as we know it's a numbers game. The only way forward is either success, or rejection.
Giving a shit about rejection, you may as well bow out of the game. I am so thankful for Red Pill, not so much for my success with women, but for the embracing and welcoming of rejection.
Aurora921 5y ago
Got rejected yesterday by a fairly hot classmate, Rejected another girl the other day after she was disrespectful and still rolling 2-3 plates at the moment. While it still stings the moment it happens and in the immediate aftermath, the long term effects of it are purely positive. Yesterday's rejection specifically taught me to not sweat it and avoid alcohol.
ChrimsonChin988 5y ago
Yes, we should seek failure & rejection to learn and improve.
Also we should seek validation but not in the way most people go about it; social media, circle jerking loser social circles etc. Getting validation from others is an endless fucking ratrace.
We must seek validation from ourselves but not in the moment. Not by jerking off, watching movies etc. But by doing things which might not give us validation in the moment but in a week or a month. By studying hard and getting a good grade. By working out and making gains. By working on our company and doubling revenue.
The process is very simple. You can write your goals and steps down on an A4. However, execution is not easy.
Merica911 5y ago
Get post and I would like to critique some few points..
One point I think people in general put up this wall of shelterness today and when you mention we came from tribal of 20 -30 people.. Is that we were never met to impress a large mass of people we all now met throughout the day thanks to technology. Some people can impress 100s of not 1000s but most people can't. With that people said, we're not built to try to impress everyone is because we meet so many people from all different walks of life.
I think rejecting in one's life should be embraced, better yet, pain. Tom Brady said he felt the 3 super bowl losses more than all his wins. The 3 that he lost is what keeps him up at night. What that being said, first action, just rejection, then pain, then strength, then growth.. And it's the growth that separate one from the other.. There's a reason why pain exist.
Last. I like to mention the basketball shoot effect when it comes to outcome dependency. Basketball players will do everything need to be done to improve the shot but as soon as it leaves your hands, it's out of your control and if you miss you can't get all worked up about the ball in air but you can keep improving your shot. That's like, when your alone, work on meditation, gym, income, etc to help you not worry in life about mindfulness, looks and Financial neediness.. That way here when you do walk up to a girl you're more alpha as fuck as you can be
DiSysmic 5y ago
I find it enlightening when you say explain that the fear rejection doesn't make sense in modern times. We're living in a society that currently offers so many alternative options, whether it be jobs, goals, or women. You made me realize that the abundance mentality we so deeply promote about gaming applies, in fact, to every day life. Rejection doesn't matter when you have so many options. Solid post.
machocornflakes 5y ago
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself in the process. This game is fun, the more you genuinely enjoy it, the more it is perceived that you enjoy it, the more women want to be with you because you are fun and enjoying it.
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asvender 5y ago
I somehow disagree with this argument. Taking rejection is not easy and most of people at least I know, can not shrug it off.
When you get rejected, your initial conclusion is that you are not good enough as a mate or an employee and it is not always about projecting the failing on the other side of story. Let assume you approach a girl in a bar and she ignores you. Your first impression for you would be like you are not good enough and have some flaws and if this repeats, your self-esteem plummets and at some point you would be resentful and angry toward the women and society. Even if you bang some chicks, deep down you know that you are not good enough and such frequent rejections will catch up with you and make you bitter.
WayTooCyber 5y ago
When I get rejected my initial conclusion is she's retarded because I'm fucking amazing. Once you know yourself that you're fucking amazing you wouldn't even care. If your mindset is still pessimistic deep down you know you have some work to do to build yourself and truly you'll naturally adapt the DGAF mentality with the help of TRP. You need to stop letting people hold so much value on your life and join the 20% my brother.
Ganjapi 5y ago
but then what? do u just not try?
Ireallyamtheprize 5y ago
Read the sidebar. Really, it's all in there. Start with No More Mr. Nice Guy.
fearofgod1 5y ago
The line between failure and success is quite small.