She was my perfect 10. She looked like Mila Kunis but taller, and with a body that was the perfect mix of athletic and curvy. The sex was good, but if I’m being honest, the ego trip was better. I felt like I had finally made it, all this effort had got me the kind of girl I had always wanted.
But I wanted her too much. I was desperate to keep her. And naturally, she grew distant, and eventually stopped returning my texts.
I had oneitis for this girl. Oneitis is an unhealthy attachment to one particular ‘special’ girl. You’ve decided this is the girl you want, and all other girl’s pale in comparison. She’s your angel, your queen, and you’ll do whatever it takes to get her and keep her.
We all get oneitis when we meet a girl who’s more beautiful, more interesting, and more confident than most other girls we’ve met.
Unfortunately, oneitis is a disease that causes us to waste large amounts of time, energy and emotion on a girl we can never have.
Unless you learn how to treat your oneitis, it can drive you into a scarcity mindset that will ruin your dating life for months (or in some cases, even years).
The Diagnosis
How do you know you have oneitis? If one girl occupies your thoughts on a daily basis, but she isn’t your girlfriend, you’ve got it.
If you think things like:
-“I normally wouldn’t spend so much time on a girl, but she’s different.” -“I usually sleep with a girl sooner, but she’s not that type of girl.” -“I want to establish trust and connection via friendship before I take things sexual with this girl.” -“She might be the one.”
Then congratulations, you have oneitis.
The best part about oneitis is that you won’t want to admit you have it. You’ll think, “Yeah, but this girl actually is different. My girl is the exception.”
Sorry man, there are no exceptions. If you regularly think about a girl you like – who you aren’t actively dating – it’s oneitis.
There’s about a 5% chance you’ll ever end up sleeping with this girl, and even if you do, you’ll scare her off real quick.
Nothing is a bigger turn-off to women than neediness. And oneitis is the ultimate form of neediness.
She will feel that you really, really want her, that you’re attached to the idea of getting her, and this will push her away.
When you have oneitis, pickup tactics won’t work. You can try to tease her or to act like your disinterested, but it’s just so obvious to her how attached you are that you can’t trick her.
I’ve seen oneitis play out a hundred times, in my life and in the lives of other guys. It always ends badly.
Of course, the guy always thinks he has a chance and that he has to fight for this girl because they have a ‘special connection’.
The Treatment for Oneitis
There’s only one cure for oneitis: fuck ten other girls.
When a guy gets oneitis, he usually stops sleeping with other women as a way to ‘show his devotion’ to her.
Unfortunately, the longer he goes without sex, the more desperate he becomes to get this one special girl.
It’s similar to what happens in gambling when you start losing money. You bet more and more money to recover your losses, but you only end up losing so much more money because you did so.
The more you invest in one girl, the worse your chances of ever getting her ever become.
Fucking ten other girls is your only chance of getting the girl you have oneitis for.
Once you sleep with other girls, you won’t be so attached to your oneitis, and then you might actually have a chance at making something happen.
Or, more likely, you’ll realize that she wasn’t nearly as special as you thought, and you’ll keep meeting new women.
That may be hard to believe, but try it for yourself. Especially if you can’t admit that you have oneitis, and you think this girl really is worth all the effort.
You’re not going to get her by pining over her more, you can only get her if you get into an abundance mindset and draw her in with it.
How I Hooked Up with My Oneitis
I had oneitis for a model who I was friends with in high-school. I was so nervous that when she tried to kiss me at a New Year’s party, I turned my face away before literally running away from her.
I avoided her for weeks after that embarrassing incident. Obviously, nothing was going to happen with my crush.
Years later, I ran into her at a club. The dynamic was completely different. Within a few hours we ended up in my bed.
After I slept with her, I realized that my crush on her was never anything special. She was attractive, but we didn’t have amazing chemistry and she wasn’t someone who I would seriously date.
It was all an illusion caused by my desperation. Now that I wasn’t obsessed with her, I could see through the mirage.
I get it, your oneitis is different, she’s actually special, she’s really a perfect 10 in every way.
Fine, let’s assume that’s true.
Has your current approach worked? No.
Try something different, actively pursue other girls so that you stop being so obsessed with this one and see if the dynamic changes with your crush.
See if you’re able to interact with her more confidently. See if you’re able to finally make the move you’ve been hesitating to make for so long.
To successfully meet new women, start with this article: https://redpilltheory.com/2018/04/23/how-to-approach-women-with-confidence/
SwarupMondal 6y ago
How do you differentiate between Oneitis and Love? I am not using the word Love here with idealistic connotations but rather in the sense, having a really strong connection that springs from sharing similar interests, values and so on.
0wnieee 7y ago
Man needed this read, I met this incredibly beautiful girl who I had insane chemistry with and the sexual chemistry even more intense, never thought I could feel that way ever. I need to get her out of my head. Thank you
BetaBitchBoy69 7y ago
I had onenitis for a fucking trainwreck chick but i’ve gotten over 9’s and 10’s like they were nothing. Fucking strange af.
elephantricity 7y ago
I had oneitis for an 18 year old masochist who was my first lay with a 10. Outside of her amazing physical beauty, it was how she let me choke her and smack her up (not the face) during sex. The combination of her being my first 10, and the first time a girl let me do those things to her really made me lose it hard when she lost interest.
It took a good 3 months to get over her, and that only happened when I started approaching women. I was 29 at the time I fucked her, and thinking back on it, though she was intelligent (as most masochists are), the age difference alone would have made it impossible to connect on a deeper level, but I was completely blinded to that during the oneitis. I just remember taking her out many times, and realizing how fucking uninteresting she is. She genuinely had NOTHING of value to add in terms of intellectual capacity for me. The thing that stuck with me the most was her saying she doesn't even know why I was hanging out with her. Why a 29 year old man would hang out with her. To me, it was signaling that I was low value if I must be hanging out with her, but I think in reality, she didn't have any confidence in herself, and didn't know why a high value man (in her mind) would be with her. Both ways of viewing her statement were true I suppose.
throwlaca 7y ago
I'm quite older than most of you and myself have had lots of oneitis through my life. I tried everything. Lifting, fucking other girls, etc. if anything, fucking other girls just increased oneitis, at least for me.
The only thing that worked, for me, was time. 10, 15 years is the norm.
And you never forget her completely until you get another oneitis, she's always there, in the back of your mind. You google her once in a while.
sunamet 7y ago
This is fucked up, but this is true.
Thotwrecker 7y ago
One-itis is projection, that's why it's so powerful and it appeals to recently red pilled guys so much. You want confirmation that you're the man, you want validation that you're newfound SMV is high enough to get you a hot funny unique 'cool girl'. So what your mind does is project whatever traits you want your ideal girl to have onto her. She's chill, she's actually logical, she's driven and has a career, she's so feminine and submissive, etc.
Instead of viewing her as she is, you're viewing her through a lens shaped by your own insecurities and desperate internal needs. You're building her up in your mind so that you can think of yourself as the man you want to be - you 'having' her now becomes a part of your self esteem. That's why you feel needy and you communicate low value to her - she can tell you're depending on her for something, even if she doesn't know what that is or why, she knows it feels icky.
I don't really think one-itis can truly be stopped until you genuinely feel a deep source of internal validation and abundance mentality. This goes beyond fucking N number of women, because we know celebrity guys who have gotten 1000s of lays still get massive oneitis for lower SMV bitches. Oneitis is a function of low self esteem and needing something external to feel fulfilled. It's obsession and fixation, but more than that, it's the ability to construct a "red pill" fantasy - and then become dependent upon the maintenance of that fantasy.
Oneitis only really stops when you give up on the idea of deriving any sense of self-identity from women, dating, sexual success, or anything like that.
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Rudeyyyy 7y ago
perfect example: Matt Harvey of the Mets. Dude had major oneitis and now the guy is hot garbage on the mound. I don't know if it directly relates but if he couldn't get her out of his head his mindset was not in the right place aka pitching and now he's barely worth anything heading into Free Agency next year.
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Thotwrecker 7y ago
There's no magic solution; the only way to become perfectly internally validated is to experience your own ability to get - and keep - whatever it is you feel you deserve. You become comfortable with a 10/10 when you know you can get one by next week - that's when you don't care about losing the girl you have.
There's no other way. I spent a lot of time trying to find other ways, and it's why I think it took me 10 years to actually get to a point in life where I felt like I actually perceived myself as an "alpha male" by my own definition.
You have to be real; whatever you are, you have to be a natural. It's the only goal - because when you're putting effort and trying and hoping for a "win" with women or dating, you're hoping it goes well, you're dependent on the outcome. Emotionally and intellectually, you're tied up in whether your girlfriend stays with you, or whether the the "super hot girl who also has a great job and likes video games" likes you.
You have to become a 9/10 Chad - you have to reach that point where you can say "honestly, I am sexually successful, sex is not a big deal, I can get it from a variety of quality women. Love is not a big deal, I can get it from a variety of women. Friends are not a big deal, there will always be people in my life who want to be around me. If I don't get her, I'll get another."
That's really it. Now you don't have to be a "Chad", you can be whatever the fuck you want to be, if you want to be a nerdy engineer go be a nerdy engineer. But until you learn to attract the kind of women you want, you'll always get oneitis, you'll always feel like your SMV is unvalidated, and you'll always be suffering because you have KNOWLEDGE of the rewards that lay beyond the beta / alpha divide, and you'll be unable to hamster around the fact that you KNOW you're on the wrong side of the wall.
Being a beta while having knowledge of the alpha / beta dynamic society / dating is a special type of hell. I don't recommend it. If this is you, burn your life and change who you are, move, get a new job, dress different, take speech lessons, go make new friends, throw your forms of media out the window, and build the best V-taper you can. It's really all you've got, isn't it - might as well try. You may never be a 10/10 Chad - in fact, some would argue that simply by being Indian in ethnicity I'll never be a 10/10, and I'm hard capped at like a 9/10 and that's if everything else about me is perfect.
If that's true, and I think that logic is true to a much smaller degree - then what's the best option. When do I reach the point of true internal validation? When I start to get good enough and I start to get near wherever my SMV cap is. I do believe every individual has a "SMV cap" in a way where they can't get higher - ie I could literally never become as high status as say, Lebron James.
If the highest I can be is a 8 or 9, then I'll chase being a 10 and fall there in the zone of 8 to 9. On a normal distribution curve of guys, a 9 is still like 1% of total guys, these are guys girls would kill their bestie over.
Incels always get me with their, like "the best I could ever be if I did everything perfect is a 8!"
You know, that's better than most guys. Honestly, quit being melodramatic; there are worse fates.
klavijaturista 7y ago
Yeah, infatuation is seeing something in her that you don't have yourself (psychologically), but want it, that's why infatuation is possessive. It's not love. When you realize you don't need her to make you feel better or happy, but that it's your responsibility to work on yourself, improve and take control of your life and integrity, then infatuation just disappears, just like that. Of course, liking her and some healthy feelings will remain, but you're free (emotionally), and more at peace with yourself and her. You realize that you can actually choose a woman, rather than wait to be struck by infatuation.
neytax 7y ago
Wow, that was some next level analyzing. Thanks!
KickinWangg 7y ago
I rarely read original posts anymore. I go straight to the comments. This is why.
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plascra 7y ago
How?
Get this into your head: Women will never love men the way we want them to. They do not know how.
Redpillandrew 7y ago
Exactly, this is very powerful, it was the sentence in the manosphere that helped me unengage the most.
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BurnoutRS 7y ago
I employ a technique I call constructive delusion. Im not claiming to have been the firat to come up with this technique. It needs a better name too because youre not actually lying to yourself.
Oneitis is the lie, it is the true delusion. When you are in that enamoured, infatuated, crush state, you build up an idealized version of the person you lust after and the relationship you want with them. It feels so good to believe this lie that you wont even consider its not the truth.
Knowing deep down that its not, however, gives you a clear advantage. Ive found it very beneficial to actively "delude" myself into thinking my crush isnt that great. If im getting distracted or romanticizing about her, I might make a list of all the things I hate about her. Take minor annoyances and apply hyperbole, blow that shit up until you have an equally negative caricature of this girl to compliment then positive, oneitis caricature.
Now mash the two together and you have a balanced person again. She's not oneitis, she's just another regular human being who you happen to be extremely attracted to. Who you will never get, if you lack the capacity to mitigate the side effects of that extreme attraction.
Put her picture through an age simulator. Imagine what she looks like when shes sick. Picture the thousand guys that railed her before you will.
You will get tired of a woman no matter how hot, eventually. Same with drugs. Where you see the difference is between people who realize theyre chasing a high they wont ever get again, and they move on to something else, and the people who just keep chasing until they die
[deleted] 7y ago
There’s only one good thing about having a oneitis. Experiencing this disease makes swallowing the red pill a lot easier. I had a oneitis and when I met her she obviously liked me. Back then I was an accidental alpha and teased her, flirted, push and pulled, etc. But I was an accidental alpha and started showing beta traits and everything you described. Next thing you know it’s 9 months later and I soon realized I was a beta orbiter and cut contact. All I did was discipline myself and go into monk mode. This was all before I even found TRP. If my 16 year old self managed to get out of being beta orbiter with oneitis you can too.
Redpillandrew 7y ago
When it comes to oneitis everything is useless, everything is detrimental. Move on and fuck other girls, forget her. And then you'll truly find out that wasn't worth it
Ananonguy88 7y ago
I have special kind of one-itis and I'm really not sure how to deal with that. I fuck her regularly, she acts more needy towards me than I do for her (she complains that I rarely respond to her texts or don't see her often enough), but I just can't feel the desire for other women anymore now that I have her. All other ones seem plain or boring so it's even hard to force myself for another 10. The problem is that we both stated that we want to "have some fun" and "not settle down with each other" (thank RP for that because otherwise I'd gf her) but she is the one who really wants to fuck around and states it openly. That puts me in dilemma if I'm just becoming a cuck since I have feelz for her but keep them at bay or showing abundance mentality by not giving a fuck and keeping facade of "sleeping around too". The problem occurs when she tries to fuck my best friend, he reported me that she made a move on him because bros before hoes and I cut contact for few days. She hamstered hard, denied everything, and acted submissive for a while until we fucked again and went back to normal.
The problem is that I sometimes feel I'm really wasting too much time and energy on her since I keep thinking about her and going everywhere she invites me to like meeting her friends or clubbing with them even when I hardly want to. We share all our expenses evenly but I'm still feeling like I'm wasting my money every weekend just to "be around her". I also keep deluding myself that "this is special" and we have some rare "connection" (since the sex is amazing). I really don't know how should I proceed with this further.
LeftHookTKD 7y ago
Lol I would never get in a relationship with this girl
Ananonguy88 7y ago
Yup, that's why I'm trying to treat her like a plate but what kind of plate is that when I have one-itis for her. Shit's complicated. Moreover she really tries to get romantic with me, confessed that she loves me, that she never had such connection before, yet still ready to ride that cock carousel.
Friendly_Friends 7y ago
I do not agree that oneitis will ruin your dating life and potential. In my case, when I started realizing how cucked I had let myself become in 2 LTR oneitis relationships, I found my own confidence and then just went out and plowed. I would think that by the time you recognize there’s a problem, you will find the inner resolve to dump ASAP and go hunt for new plates.
Staunch_Moderate 7y ago
I think every situation is different. I’m dealing with some oneitis for a girl i was sleeping with but i got too needy. It’s stupid and i acknowledge it, but it helps me with other girls because i just don’t care about them.
SirKolbath 7y ago
MattyAnon already covered this.:
Which is not an indictment of your post, but an amplification of it.
And the cure is simple:
Read the sidebar. Lift. Game other girls.
LiveAFTSOV 7y ago
Everything on TRP has already been covered, Heck, life is a rehash of itself.
darksyndicate17 7y ago
OP is stop on. oneitis is a disease.
wsba910am 7y ago
One remark: chemistry is a bogus criterion for long term relational suitability. That, like passion, is primarily fickle.
Very funny post otherwise. Can relate.
Martysteiner 7y ago
Good post, but just one edit : Some girls adore neediness. Heartbroken girls are the main sources of this.
However, you have to show your neediness along with a blame, some particular realistic event to blame her so she can feel guilty. Guilty + neediness = exact combo.
Down side is with this combo you only get to sleep with her just for one time. Then next her.
tanqop 7y ago
This is sidebar material. No wonder you're an endorsed contributor
Saberinbed 7y ago
What can i do if she had a boyfriend when i fucked her, and she is still back with her boyfriend? We only had sex once while she was in a relationship, and i started getting needy and wanted her to breakup with her bf because we had amazing chemistry. No girl had ever connected and understood my sense of humour like her.
She said that she had cheated on her bf once before, and she wants to stay with him because the dude is in med-school and is going to become a doctor. She’s already super rich because of her parents, so idk what i can do. We stopped talking because i got needy, and i feel like i fucked it up, but at the same time, i feel like i couldnt of gone anywhere with her either way. She wasnt going to breakup with her boyfriend even if i did give her a mindblowing orgasmic sex session. She mentioned that she never came before during sex, and that all her bf does is study, and treats her like shit.
What do you think i could’ve done in this situation? I tried to handle it to the best of my ability, and screwed up the chances of even a fwb situation, because i asked her directly like a moron if she wants to be fwb. Because she was still hanging out with me after we had sex, and she took it the wrong way when i asked her that. Ever since then she became more and more cold, and now we dont talk anymore.
[deleted] 7y ago
Not become emotionally attracted to a chick who is taking your cock behind her boyfriends back? If she did it to him........
Wambo45 7y ago
You sabotaged yourself, but even if you hadn't, there's a good chance you were never going to pull her away from the financial security and hypergamous nature of her relationship with her bf. Get over it, dude. She wasn't worth a damn anyway, hence why she was fucking you behind her boyfriend's back. Think about what kind of person even thinks in those strategic terms, the lack of principles thereof, and ask yourself why you'd even regard such a person as worthy? What? Because she's got a "sense of humor"? Sheesh! You've got a long way to go, buddy. Hang in there.
Saberinbed 7y ago
haha i'm only 22. I came into the conclusion that even if i didn't sabotage myself, most i could've gotten out of this situation were a few more lays before she went to do her internship and live with her boyfriend. That probably would've made me even more attached even if i did get more lays with her.
The funny part is, she even told her boyfriend that she cheated on him with me, and asked to take a break. The dude was so beta, he said that he was afraid that he couldn't get her back from me if they took a break.
It was a good learning experience for me, and it made me more confident, knowing i could pull someones hot girlfriend.