My SO decided that he wanted to buy new doorknobs for the house. He said that he doesn't like the round ones, and wanted the lever kind. My first thought was to wonder how much that's going to cost, because I was pretty sure doorknobs are expensive. My next thought was that he quite possibly will figure that out for himself when he gets to the store. Rather than saying all that, with an excited smile on my face I said "okay".
So we get to the store, and he starts mumbling about how darned expensive doorknobs are. I think he's about to throw in the towel when I see some nice lever knobs on clearance. He likes them, and starts filling up the cart. I begin freaking out inside. We're still in some debt from buying the house, and new doorknobs are not necessary. I start mentally adding up the cost of the doorknobs, which even on clearance are pricey.
Then I stopped myself. Is it worth ruining a really pleasant weekend over some freakin' doorknobs? No. Have I not made some possibly unnecessary purchases since we've been in debt? I have. Are these doorknobs going to make us happy? Yes. Am I trusting him to do what's best for us if I question his spending? No.
I kept my mouth shut, and the hamster inside shut up before we even left the store. I'm glad I kept quiet. He installed all of the knobs while I did some sewing. I actually really like them. It's quite handy being able to use an elbow to open a door, and they look awesome.
He looked so proud of his new doorknobs, and that I liked them. I'm happy I didn't crush that by not trusting him.
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thismaytakeawhile 8y ago
Be careful about your choice in doorknobs... They might let in bears! http://www.skyhidailynews.com/article/20100729/NEWS/100729872
It was nice to hear that you were self-aware enough to be sensitive of your husband's needs.
Man question, seeking understanding: Do you think it would beneficial to say (In a non-condescending or manipulative way) that you were worried about finances, but am really glad that he's happy with the doorknobs, and that you actually like them too, and are glad he lead the way and made the decision? Would it help strengthen the relationship if he could appreciate what happened?
alclarkey 9y ago
Guy here, while naggy women can be a bother to us men some times, it's also a problem if you let your guy walk off a cliff because you don't want to rock the boat. I guess it's a pick your battles sort of situation, but if he's going to put you in a poor house, you have to speak up.
widdley 9y ago
Funny anecdote: the same day I read this post (it was insanely coincidental) I went over with my Boyfriend of 4 years to his sister and husbands new house for drinks. While there, she brought up being frustrated about a trip to home depot. I (as I think myself hilarious to bring up references no one else understands) asked "oh, were you guys shopping for door knobs?" And she responded "no, cabinet knobs for the kitchen actually".
She then proceeded to tell me exactly the same story as above, /except/ she did not allow her husband the final say. She argued with him. She liked one model (that when shown pictures was incredibly similar to the model he liked) and would not budge on the issue. They ended up leaving the store with nothing.
She even admitted that he spent more time in the kitchen and cooked more then her, yet she had to argue and create an issue, then passive aggressively bring it up in front of us and show us pictures to try and get our opinion on if she was right. It was so petty and nonsensical.
Especially after reading this post, it really helped me analyze the situation for what it was: a needless challenge and argument in their partnership.
saffronbelle 9y ago
Can I just say how thankful I am to have found this subreddit? You girls are great. I'm not ready to get into a serious relationship right now, but I'm picking up tips here and there and trying to improve myself for when the time comes.
valkyrieone 9y ago
It's great to see that you had your reservations but kept them from intruding on the positive's of this whole experience. Even so, you allowed your SO to see the expense on his own without intruding with something that may/may be necessary to be said. Also, the fact that you located a positive and cheaper alternative; you both are happy with the result and that's what really matters. He chose to make the final purchase and ended up saving money in the long-run because who knows when something like that will be on sale again.
JackGoldsteinWrites 9y ago
Yep, this wasn't a battle you needed to fight.
I mean, if he does this all the time and it adds up to something material, then speak up, sure. But for an isolated incident that meant so much (to him), you did the right thing.
HipHopTron 9y ago
Doorknobs? No wonder you're in debt.
pancake_ice 9y ago
If you were concerned about the budget why didn't you bring up the concerns to him? You can have opinions and be concerned without being a nag. You two could have gone out to look at the door knobs you really wanted and saved a month or two (or rearranged your budget or whatever).
I am glad it worked out in the end but if they were expensive I don't see why talking about a budget is a bad thing.
Kittenkajira 9y ago
It ended up not being very expensive ($140), so I was glad that I didn't make a big deal about it. The best way I've found to discuss concerns without nagging is to state what I'm afraid of. So I would say something like "I'm afraid that we're not going to get out of debt".
He does know my views on money spending, and we've had many conversations about it. After dragging myself out of debt in my early 20's, my biggest fear is getting back in it. I made sure to pick a partner who was financially responsible, and who had minimal debt. But part of me wants to control HIS money flow to ensure that HE doesn't get into debt.
flat-white 9y ago
This is such a good way of rephrasing! Gets at the heart of expressing your concern without demanding or guilt-tripping. Will definitely be using this in the future :)
3Tres3 9y ago
I had something like this happen this weekend! We went to my niece's birthday party and my husband wanted a nice gift for her, he told me to go buy something and not spend less than $60 on it.
I thought it was a lot for a 2 year old but I went to the store and bought her 3 toys for a total of about $70. Because I went to a local toy store I had options of European and educational toys not available at big retail stores. The little girl LOVED them and my SO was happy and thanked me for taking care of it. I felt so happy and I'm glad I didn't say anything and didn't go for a cheaper toy.
neveragoodtime 9y ago
I think the most impressive takeaway from this is admitting that you spend money on things as well. In my experience, I didn't question any of my ex's expenditures, while every one of mine was questioned and vetoed. I can't tell you how difficult it is for a man to not be allowed to make improvements and contribute value to the family. To argue against every expense is to say his contribution is not valued or welcome. You made a good choice and you saw the benefits to your relationship.
Limberine 9y ago
Yep, guys need retail therapy too sometimes, and to do something creative. My husband likes photography and has made some big purchases for kit but it makes him happy and gets him out taking great photos. I think being married is about trying to help the other person do what they want to do. Your man wanted to improve the look of his home with lever doorhandles and you helped him do it. This should just be pretty normal in a good relationship but well done anyway. I know sometimes it's hard to not look at your partners choices and think quietly to yourself "Really, that's their top priority right now?", but the more you just go with it, as you did, the better (unless it's really crazy but you didn't chose a mad man did you). :-)
SoonToBeMrsHim 9y ago
This is me. Every time we are at home depot. I fail about 50% of the time and get naggy. He has a very good understanding of our finance so I'm not sure why I can't let go. But it's a lot better than it use to be where I would quite literally pout the whole car ride there because he was spending his money on something I didn't deem important. Since swallowing the pill and making a conscious effort to let him lead I think this is one area I have improved the most.
Marriedwithkidz 9y ago
I love lever doorknobs! We are slowly changing ours :)
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PhantomDream09 9y ago
If you want to attract a quality woman, you have to be a quality man.
Please be sure to read the side-bar in the meantime. Male participation is fine when comments add to the conversation, but 'head-patting,' compliments, and otherwise fawning behavior is discouraged. The users are here to work on improving themselves, and while it's good that you know what you're looking for - comments such as the one you made are inappropriate.
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PhantomDream09 9y ago
My point was that you should be spending more time on TRP and/or working on yourself instead of making weird comments on RPW threads.
Your odd self-analysis brag attempt is yet another example of content that does not belong here...
ElKod 9y ago
You shut him up so bad, he had to erase the account... Damn lol
PhantomDream09 9y ago
His account is still active, but his comments have been removed.
/u/Dr_Bishop is enthusiastic, but, as with many gentlemen that have come to the RPW sub - he just hasn't taken the time to fully understand either TRP or RPW.
He's welcome to comment in the future, his contributions just need to be relevant and add to the discussion.
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[deleted] 9y ago
It's honestly little stuff like this that has the potential to spiral into huge arguments about total bullcrap if handled wrong. Good for you, I like the way you think.
CourtneyTriesReddit 9y ago
Exactly! It's about picking your battles - doorknobs are (literally and figuratively) a small thing to worry about.
Kittenkajira 9y ago
That's so true! Stuff like this starts arguments, then they warp into being about things that have nothing to do with how it started. That leads to the he said/she said and who's right/wrong about what.
sterlinghtsmi 9y ago
geez do I need a RPW.
Lyrad1002 9y ago
Since RPW are picky (80/20 rule), there are probably a lot of dudes that that need one.
PhantomDream09 9y ago
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with everyone here. This is a lovely example of how easy it can be stir up a bit of dust, but you managed yourself very well. Financial decisions can be a source of great tension, and it's not always easy to put aside your concerns for the sake of taking pleasure in a project. Congratulations on keeping a positive attitude and trusting your SO.
I will be adding this to the Insightful Field Reports thread. :0)
Kittenkajira 9y ago
Thanks! I feel special. :)
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The-Pussy-Whisperer 9y ago
Worth the extra expense right there then