Last winter, I met a guy on Hinge. At the time, I was extremely overweight, loud, masculine, and a brainwashed liberal. A year and a half later, we have become best friends. It took a while — months of being friends and months of unexpected intimacy, but we fell in love. Despite our obstacles, we have built a strong foundation of trust between us. A while back we made an agreement to go on a second first date if I lost 90 pounds. I’ve lost over 60, and have no intentions of stopping, but every now and then have my doubts if he will ever commit, weight or not.
Presently, I’m extremely feminine, goofy, fun to be around, and warm. I dress well, carry myself maturely, and always look beautiful. I’ve changed my ways for the better and become a better woman. I struggle with anxiety but I have a therapist and have worked really hard to manage it appropriately.
In addition to regular communication and consistent quality time together, we’ve expressed our love for one another, how much we mean to each other, and even discussed what a potential future/marriage between the two of us might look like, but it’s as if we check all the boxes of a relationship without the title. He wants the ability to explore potential opportunities as they arise, but is not actively seeking a partner in someone else. I plan to lose the last 30, but have days where I have my doubts.
He holds passionate political beliefs, and does seek to share that with a partner. I see us going the distance, even if I’m not as passionate about the cause as he is.
Am I wasting my time? Am I wrong to dedicate myself to this? I believe he is ‘the one’ for me, and I know he loves me. Will it ever be enough?
Looking for honest feedback/advice!
redpillschool 1y ago
Reddit's broken today and giving errors left and right when you submit.
I have temp banned you because you've submitted this a thousand times. Please stop posting it.
swimmingindaisies 1y ago
No, it will never be enough. Guys that have options don’t make “deals” with women who don’t. Which means he doesn’t have options and from the way you think of yourself, you don’t either. You should not have stayed friends with him. He used you for “unexpected intimacy” and wants to keep you around for more of that with the promise of commitment only if you lose weight. He’s stringing you along until he finds something better. Don’t accept this kind of behavior from men if you want a serious relationship. He won’t love you or be with you seriously until you lose 30 more pounds? Is that the kind of guy you want to be with?
You must learn to guard your heart a little. Not everyone deserves to be in your life as a lover or friend. Also, congratulations on your weight loss! That’s awesome! But do it for you, not him.
abishagofthevalley 1y ago
Im just here to say Id love to see you at your worst radfem vs your loveliest now :) A before vs after of sorts. Keep up the good work irrespective of him. If he doesnt commit, next him for someone more decidedly into you. I dont know if you realize the radical diff that 90 lb make in a woman's SMV. Maybe it's good that you don't
persephonv 1y ago
I think two things are true here: it’s fine for him to want a girlfriend who is fit/not overweight, and it’s fine for you to want a boyfriend who doesn’t enforce arbitrary weight limits as a condition of monogamy. It sounds like you two just aren’t compatible.
Keep up the good work with your weight loss! 60lbs down so far is very impressive.
np_masfem98 1y ago
I really couldn’t agree more. Most of the time I believe our differences complement one another, but sometimes I do really stop and wonder. Thank you for kind words!
sunglasses90 1y ago
I don’t think you’re wasting your time bettering yourself and glowing up per say, but I’d glow up and then find a new/better man if we’re being honest. I’m all for losing weight and being your healthiest self but this relationship doesn’t sound that great other than you really like him. Men who truly liked me lost no time in asking me to be official… or to drop to one knee. I didn’t need to arbitrarily impress them. They liked me for me. I want that for you.
np_masfem98 1y ago
I understand where you’re coming from, and I hear you fully. It’s just difficult because it’s not a matter of like, it’s a matter of love, envisioning our lives together, 1 year + of dating, essentially, without the official title. I realize I deserve the commitment. That’s what I’m coming to terms with, presently! Just unsure if I want to rock the boat now, or after the last 30.
sunglasses90 1y ago
Do you want to be married? If he won’t commit to making you his gf he 100% will never propose to you.
sailorcrystal 1y ago
My boyfriend was out of town when he asked me to be his gf; we did it over Facetime because he couldn't stand the idea of waiting two more weeks until I was going to pick him up from the airport. Moreover, we've only been dating for two months (known each other for 6, however) and this man is fully committed to me and is always discussing how much he can't wait until we are married and I am his wife.
​
If a man wants to, he will. This guy has already made it known that he's keeping his options open!! Continue to improve yourself (you're doing a great job!) and cut your losses. It's better to drop someone who isn't sure of you than wait for him to drop you when he finds someone else.
eazolan 1y ago
I think that's ridiculous. What if your healthy weight loss is 85 pounds?
You're taking good care of yourself. You appreciate what he's done for you. Go start living a dating life.
teaandtalk 1y ago
I can't imagine he has any interest in her health at all. It's all about him and his wants.
np_masfem98 1y ago
I’m sure he cares more about my health from the perspective of friendship, but as for a romantic partner, I sense far more selfish tendencies.
eazolan 1y ago
I was subtly pointing out that she should start dating others.
np_masfem98 1y ago
I want to, and I know I should see what else is out there — but when I’m already emotionally committed/attached, it’s impossible for me.
sunglasses90 1y ago
You’re in love with him. That part is great, but is he in love with you?
Strixt 1y ago
Sounds like he found Kevin Samuels content.
“A woman should not be heavier than a man at the same height.”
Idk I’m on the fence.
He got you to lose weight. Which is wonderful tbh. You are now at less risk of diabetes, heart diseases, inflammation, etc etc, mental well being is most likely up, etc etc
It depends on how he did it.
If it was with love, care, consideration, etc maybe that isn’t bad.
If it was with an ultimatum then that is no good at all.
Idk this is so tuff because if you were inspired enough to lose weight. (And it was healthy weight loss, no horrible things like starving yourself etc) that could be wholesome????
The whole “opportunities arise” is a red flag though. If you have put this much effort forth and he isn’t solely interested in you. Your going to have to bounce.
I’d say you’ve proven how much you care about the relationship. He should meet you halfway at least with exclusivity, etc etc.
np_masfem98 1y ago
I really appreciated this comment! Thank you for your words. In many ways, he did do it with support. He didn’t accept my excuses for why I couldn’t lose the weight, believed in me when I didn’t in myself…but also gave tough love along the way. I honestly think I needed that. Now, given our progression, my achievements, and our time together, I don’t think a commitment is too much to ask for. 60 in itself is a big (and noticeable) deal. I am far more attractive/higher value woman now than I was before.
Underground-anzac-99 1y ago
You said “unexpected intimacy”. Are you seeing each other and having sex but he won’t “date” you until you lose another 30pounds?
And when he says opportunities does he mean now or even after you’ve leaped the last hurdle for him and lost the weight?
You’ve done well, you deserve better.
I can imagine (and have) tried to get a partner to lose weight for their health and because I loved them and was already committed.
I cannot conceive of telling an overweight guy to lose 90 pounds before I’d be with him and dangling myself in front of him as some kind of end game. Men have names for women like that and none of them are good.
Lose your weight, then dump him for someone so much better. Or don’t, just be prepared that when the right number on the scale pops up it won’t be with a magical, corresponding ka-ching sound and engagement ring.
Ps. Lose 29 pounds, THEN dump him!