Hi everyone!
I feel like I have a serious character flaw that has followed me my entire life and I desperately want to fix it.
The character flaw is that I am a bottomless pit of neediness.
As a child, I didn’t get a lot of attention from my parents and I think that is where this desperate need comes from.
Not like in a clingy way (like: “Text me more!!”) but in a very selfish way (“I need this and I want this and Can we do this? and Can we go here on this vacation?”).
I live in princess world bubble and expect everyone around me to serve me and meet my needs.
What happens is I am very grateful when someone does something for me and then, WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT BECAUSE I AM SO SELF-ABSORBED, I continue to demand more and expect more until someone says something and checks me and reigns me back.
The person who feels the brunt of this is my husband.
He is so kind and generous and normally doesn’t say anything but eventually I become a monster and he has to check me.
We are newly-weds so right now, it is easy to apologize and makeup and try to be better.
However, I feel like a character trait like this is an utter recipe for disaster in a marriage, long-term.
How can I learn to be less selfish?
Looking for specific advice and tips to break this terrible habit.
Please be as harsh as you need to, I know it's a big problem.
cynicalhousewife 5y ago
You are a bottomless pit, because you are not really addressing your needs at all. You are trying to fill that empty hole with hot air, whilst you are actually overlooking your most fundamental need.
Understanding and personal growth.
The biggest issue here is that you are an adult still holding onto your negative childhood experiences. You need to make peace with them and move on. Until then you will eternally be a child.
Understand that you now have the power and the opportunity to take control and shape your own existence. You are still stuck in that childhood mindset of avoiding responsibility and feeling powerless and reliant on other people. You need to own yourself.
You also need to come to terms with the fact that whatever happened to you as a child was not your fault. You were a child, you were the one who needed boundaries and guidance, and the adults around you had their own issues that they hadn't dealt with.
Another thing you really need to address and understand. You are not special. Your experiences are not unique. You don't need to feel ashamed or guilty or like there is something wrong with you. You need to make peace with yourself and accept that you are just like everybody else.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Feeling emotional this morning and this made me tear up.
Thank you.
I’ve considered therapy but I don’t even know where to start with that.
cynicalhousewife 5y ago
If you don't know where to start, you need to ask yourself this. Would therapy in the professional sense even help at all? It doesn't work for everyone, some people need to explore themselves alone to come to a personal understanding. That was certainly the case for me.
___Lana___ 5y ago
Ask him to help you correct that misbehavior. Sometimes only by telling you « Think about what you just said. You are acting like a child ».
You can also push the game a little further and ask him to spank you when you misbehave. It could help you keep in mind that when you act like a child you get treated like one ;-)
ta1901 5y ago
You have taken the first step, which is the hardest step, and you know what the problems are. That's a good thing.
Now, why are you wanting people to do so much for you? Why do you want to be the center of attention so much? Can you enjoy being alone and just reading a book?
What happens when you just relax and don't try to be the center of attention? Do you get anxious? Why? What are you thinking that makes you so anxious?
Keep asking "why" of yourself until you find the root problem.
Yes, being self-centered can be a cancer on relationships, but it is essential that the person apologize. This shows they recognize what they have and shows there is still potential in the relationship. A relationship with no apologies probably has little potential.
W0zzynix 5y ago
Learning to think before you speak will be a habit you need to learn. Admittedly, I still struggle with this myself sometimes. What helps me is writing it all down and taking pause. Come back to it later. Sometimes getting it out on paper and looking at it will help.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
I think that’s a good idea - I need to get better at thinking before I speak. What a hard habit to break though!
[deleted] 5y ago
Read "Taming Your Outer Child" by Susan Anderson, and do the exercises in the book.
It absolutely changed my life.
loneliness-inc 5y ago
I feel for him....
This is something you should never stop. Always apologize, always take action to makeup for bad behavior and whenever possible - backtrack on demands if they haven't yet been fulfilled.
Tell him about this struggle. Ask for his assistance. Give him permission to tell you know. Occasionally practice scenarios where he's to deny your requests.
Changing your character traits is extremely difficult, almost impossible. Changing your behavior is easier than that but still difficult. Focus on changing your behavior.
The good news is - men are more forgiving than women. If you show genuine remorse and you genuinely try to make up for your wrongdoings, he's likely to forgive you even if it happens many times.
IsaGuz 5y ago
This is something you should never stop. Always apologize, always take action to makeup for bad behavior and whenever possible - backtrack on demands if they haven't yet been fulfilled.
Tell him about this struggle. Ask for his assistance. Give him permission to tell you know. Occasionally practice scenarios where he's to deny your requests.
Yes, yes, yes and yes. I always apologize whenever I make a mistake. I told my husband straight at the beginning in which areas I needed help and in which he was more than welcome to check my behaviour.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
My husband IS super forgiving and I am so grateful. However it does force me to have to be proactive if I want to stop being a needy pit.
I do think this is a character trait - it’s plagued me my whole life.
Thank you for your advice!
loneliness-inc 5y ago
You're welcome.
The most important point is - he's a finite human being and therefore, his ability to forgive is also finite. If you continuously "reward" his forgiveness, you'll get more of it. Otherwise, it'll eventually run dry.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Would you mind explaining this concept further? Wouldn’t that mean his forgiveness is infinite?
loneliness-inc 5y ago
No.
Like gas in your car. Your car runs today and it'll run tomorrow. It'll turn on again and again until it runs out of gas. If you keep refilling the tank, it can keep on running again and again, but that doesn't mean it has infinite millage in the gas tank.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Oh that makes sense thank you so much for that!!
[deleted] 5y ago
It’s VERY difficult to change your personality, you even realize that you have a flaw but it’s still hard to change isn’t it?
The best advice I have is to serve those who are less fortunate than you. It will humble you and make you realize just how fortunate you are. Sure, you can read books, but you’ll need new actions to override old, bad habits.
IsaGuz 5y ago
It is very difficult indeed, but it's not possible. I started when I was 18, and now at 39 I'm much better. Improving your personality is like polishing a rock with a bit of sandpaper. It takes years. Problem is, if you don't start when you're young, you go to worse. It's either making the effort and alway strive to be better, or becoming one of those detestable old people who cannot stand even themselves and complain "I'm too old to change now". That's why you start changing when you're young. You don't see immediate results, but a bit of effort every day makes for A LOT of improvement during decades. A monk isn't able to meditate for 5 hours the first day he's in the monastery.
So, OP, it's hard. You can do it. The best of your traits is that you know you have this flaw and you want to get rid of it for your sake and your husband's. Be aware, begin now that you're young, apologize whenever you slip, and though you'll hardly be perfect, you'll surely become much, much better.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
I agree. It is hard.
I’ve “wanted” to change before but this time, I “need” to change.
I have an active disgust for my selfishness and I want to be rid of it.
I called my local old folks home and will be volunteering starting in October.
[deleted] 5y ago
Good for you!
aussiedollface2 5y ago
I’m not sure if this is neediness (which I think generally men don’t mind so much), or just brattiness. If you keep demanding and asking for things from your husband then he may begin to feel as if his efforts aren’t appreciated, and nothing is ever good enough. Perhaps practice some mindfulness meditation and concentrate on the idea of “gratitude” and what you are thankful for xo
WonderWomanxoxo 5y ago
Girl, think about how you would feel if your husband acted the way you did. If you think about this everytime you're about to say it do something itll help you think it through. However, us as women are all selfish in some form or another. It's a curse. We do these things without even realizing it. Being with my husband has humbled me so much. He doesn't let me get away with being selfish. My man calls me on my bullshit and my flaws, so I am aware of what I do. It was reallyyyy bae when we first got together but as time went on, he would and still does, point out when I'm being selfish or inconsiderate.
EXAMPLE: TRUE STORY Back in 2015 me and my husband were bf/gf We were both working at TJ Maxx. My husband had work one day and I was off. He woke up late bc his alarm didnt go off. He then says "Damn babe you didnt wake me up? I overslept?!" I reply, " well no I didn't have work today."
Things like looking out for one another in situations like this will make your relationship stronger.
VisitingfromJapan 5y ago
Volunteer your time without telling anyone. Go serve food at a soup kitchen anonymously and without telling anyone or posting on social media.
Do things for others and you'll start to even out the balance.
IsaGuz 5y ago
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LawyerInTheMaking 5y ago
if you have a 'need' for neediness i would definitely recommend channeling that energy towards something that can give you that. have you thought about maybe do volunteering at a retirement home or do something like BigBrotherBigSister? old folks would definitely appreciate it and little kids are always looking for mentorship, especially if they dont have a stable home or siblings. you definitely can make an impact in their lives.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
I actually volunteered at an old folks home before I moved. You inspired me - I just called our local place and will start volunteering in October. Thank you so much!
LawyerInTheMaking 5y ago
youre welcome :). Look into the Big Sister program as well. As morbid as it sounds, old folks dont have much time on this planet. kids however have decades to reach their age. with all the societal problems such as single motherhood, lack of male figures, etc. you could definitely guide them and teach them things so that they can be on the right path and avoid many of the heartbreaks and disappointments of life. by doing so your impact would be far greater than the old folks home because you would not only be influencing a young girls life but also indirectly affecting her relationships with others. romantically or not.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Am I qualified to help them? I had an incredibly sheltered, although a bit neglected, childhood. I always assumed I was inadequate to help since I have never dealt with massive dysfunction as a child. I agree about the impact, though!
LawyerInTheMaking 5y ago
Think about it like this:
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If you have been neglected, would you not be able to relate and understand a young woman who is going through the same? You have been able to overcome that so you can teach her how to overcome that as well
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If you had a sheltered life, is there not benefits you have learned from that? The positive things you have learned from your childhood is something you can try to teach and instill in her.
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Ultimately what it comes down to is knowledge that you have acquired from time and experience. That is something a lot of young kids dont have access to and when there isnt someone there to provide them with that knowledge, they struggle. By teaching them what you have learned you are giving them a greater chance to succeed while minimizing the chances of being influenced by negativity. Those kids likely have it hard as is, whatever you can do to elevate their lives i think would be well appreciated.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Thank you for shifting my perspective on this - I think you on this!!
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
Just ordered it - can’t wait to read it. I read the summary, it looks good!
[deleted] 5y ago
Taming Your Outer Child? AWESOME! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it -- the exercises are really useful.
bambiliftsweights 5y ago
I will PM you - it gets here Thursday!!
[deleted] 5y ago
This sounds like exactly what I need. I'm going to give this a read as well!
[deleted] 5y ago
Please do. I warn you that some of the exercises seem really silly, almost embarrassing. Just stick it out and do them. It gets less awkward.
[deleted]