I've been together with my boyfriend (21M) for about 8 months and counting (LDR), though the effects of his decision is still prevalent.
How we met wasn't really what I would call ideal, he was in a relationship when we met. He essentially broke up with her (it was a rough period) and got together with me. Well we got into the conversation of their (ex and boyfriend) confrontation when he got back to where he lived.
When I left back home, he confessed that there were days where he regretted his decision (breaking up with his ex) and he just felt alone. But he has said that he's happy and that's what matters. From their confrontation, she has mentioned how he'd willingly waste 3 years of their relationship for a girl that he's known for a month.
What got to me was when she brought up a point, how I flirted despite the fact that I found out that he was in a relationship. Because I was in her position as well, I've got cheated on multiple occasions and I know how it felt on the receiving end. Though I never really thought about it and enjoyed the relationship to the fullest, until now despite how late it is in the relationship.
I'm thinking of talking to him about this because I feel like he deserves to know. But at the same time, I don't want to stress him out as is. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know how to go forward with this revelation.
RubyWooToo 5y ago
If he dumped his girlfriend of 3 years for an LDR with you, then what you describe as “rough times” was probably the death rattle of their relationship. The only thing stopping him from dumping her sooner was his own fear of being alone, as indicated by how he said he sometimes regretted breaking up with her out of loneliness. You and his ex are putting all the responsibility on your shoulders for what was entirely his decision.
What should concern you going forward is whether he will man up and dump you if he falls out of love with you or if he will wait for another ship to sail into port before jumping from yours.
tssukee 5y ago
He has previously mentioned that he loved his ex dearly, but now he loves me more. Should I be worried about this having an effect later on our relationship? But I see your point, I'll do my best to think about this perspective.
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Ah, I'll have to think about that thoroughly. Thank you.
cherryhearts 5y ago
vs.
That should be all that matters now AND later on in your relationship. Past vs. present/future.
girlwithabike 5y ago
It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong because RPW is an amoral look at the world. Your guilt and complicity is between you, your boyfriend and your gods.
You all are young still. It may not feel like that, but her three year relationship, started as a teen, was unlikely to last longer term. Eight months is also not a long time and you should still be vetting him. LDRs are tough to maintain and you want to keep considering his character, who he is as a partner and a man. If he's back tracking on his decision to break up with the ex, then you should look at how he handles other decisions in his life. Is this a common occurrence (that he doesn't trust himself or that he makes choices he later regrets?)
Beyond that, men are far less likely to leave for a better partner if the relationship is good. A woman leaves if a higher status man crosses her path. A guy will be more likely to cheat if a hot woman crosses his path. If his relationship is solid, he'll probably just look and maybe flirt. This girl, and you in the past, are not owed a boyfriend. You have to 1. choose the right man and 2. maintain the relationship.
I'm confused what "he deserves to know" here. He was at the break up and he knows what she said. He also knows that he was with her for three years and left her for you. He knows you flirted. He knows a lot more about what was going on between them than you do. You aren't responsible for him and his decisions, only your own.
snackysnackeeesnacki 5y ago
You said what I was going to say, but more eloquently. It honestly doesn’t sound like cheating to me either - seems like he proactively got himself out of the relationship before that point.
The thing that stuck out to me is why would he tell you he sometimes regrets the decision? What is he trying to say there?
Generally I’d say get it off your chest with a girlfriend you trust, journal, etc, and resist the urge to bring this to him.
PantheraTigris95 5y ago
So what's going to stop him from leaving you for the next girl when you two have a 'rough period'?
I'm a firm believe in the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing, and even on a personality/character basis, I wouldn't be with a guy who is that fickle. If you have a problem in a LTR, you fix it, not jump ship.
cherryhearts 5y ago
Even still if we didn't call it cheating - it's still extremely morally skewed.
He played around with two women on a commitment level. That's some deep-rooted decision making.
He's wishy-washy about breaking up with his ex and that in turn means he's unsure of OP.
If they're having sex - she's a plate.
If they're not, then she needs to keep vetting because there are a lot of red flags coming from this guy.
He's not even sure of self, how could he possibly be a good man for a woman?
Two_kids_in_a_coat 5y ago
Doesn’t sound like he cheated. He broke up with his girlfriend to be with her.
cherryhearts 5y ago
I agree. It's a grey area because his ex girlfriend certainly thinks it's cheating. Maybe not psychical, but he cheated on her emotionally with OP.
polakfury 5y ago
what should he do next?
ManguZa 5y ago
You just want that he say that you're not a bad girl. The validation don't worth the hassle. You're together now, focus on build the better relationship ever, not on the past.
cocodecoca 5y ago
My husband's ex cheated on him with another man. Neither of us feel any kind of way about it because the relationship wasn't working anyway, he's happier with me and his ex is still with the guy she cheated on him with 10 years later.
Life is usually messy!
tssukee 5y ago
Indeed it is, I didn't expect to meet my SO at that time and how we came about wasn't something that I'm proud of. Nevertheless, I'm glad that I met him and I'm going to be reflecting on my actions from now on.
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Chet_Manly0987 5y ago
What you put out there in the works will come back....
There is no such thing as black magic. Just FYI
silverrdreamm 5y ago
from my perspective, if you rationalize bad things, things that will hurt others in one way or another, you are more likely to surround yourself with people who think and act the same way and its usually just a matter of time when you will be the person to receive the same behaviour from someone else. it's not magic it's interest that will surround you with the like-minded and consequences are inevitable, especially if you come to realization and see your actions from different perspective like this girl
Chet_Manly0987 5y ago
Of course and I agree. That is more rational and may help her to understand the mechanics of it better. But I’m sure you are well aware of the considerable number of people who would attempt to slap the bandaid of karma on her wound and send her on her way. That doesn’t help.
Ruinedgirl22 5y ago
This is very very true. Experienced it myself in a different situation.
pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
No moralizing. This isn't advice it's judgement.
silverrdreamm 5y ago
it is advice- accept your acts, learn from this experience and let it change you into a better version of yourself. you cannot change until you have accepted a mistake. calm down. we all make them, but lying that something wasn't bad, even just a little, won't do any good
tssukee 5y ago
You have a point, I just wanted to be validated the fact that my actions weren't bad. But looking back now and perhaps I've had it in the back of my mind, I need to accept the fact that what I did was wrong and I need to learn from it. I'm going to try to become a good person from this, thank you.
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pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
You do not know enough to determine whether this man is RP or not. It is not your place to judge whether this man is RP. Additionally, RPW look for good, high value, masculine men separate from any classification. If your sole advice is "He's BP" you don't actually have advice.
Please review our expectations for men commenting in the rules section.
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pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
This is a fair and reasonable assessment of the behavior cited in the OP. Saying "he is RP or not RP" or "he is beta" (as some do, you did not) labels a man who you did not meet. It's slightly above name calling and not helpful to anyone.
RP is not an identity. Address red flag behaviors. Those are important to discuss. Do not take a man you don't know, who you only see through the eyes of the questioning girlfriend and judge him as RP or not RP. Being a better man or woman and partner is the goal. Being "RP" is meaningless. A man should forge his own path, not follow someone else's predetermined path.
Telling an OP that her man is "not RP" only says "he doesn't fit my definition of a man". Perhaps he fits her necessary mix of alpha and beta and your definition is useless to her. Again, address the behaviors. Discuss the way that men think or handle situations. Educate her on gender dynamics. I don't want to see you judging RP or not again on this sub.