Edit: apparently my account is too new so my responses to comments are getting deleted, oh well.
I'm 25 and have been with my FH for \~6 years. I dated a couple guys casually before being asked out by FH during my first year of college. He sowed his wild oats his freshman year/most of sophomore year, got disappointed with shallow sex, and then asked me out. I'd gotten crushes and butterflies in the past, but nixed other guys on account of basic incompatibilities re: religion, values, etc. I didn't really "fall" for FH, but liked him, respected him, and eventually loved him. He's my first everything. There was an intention to hold out "real" sex until marriage on my part, but that ended about nine months in (tmi, but perhaps related to my current fomo). We're good together and compatible on all the major issues. He's awesome, driven, handsome.
5 years after we started dating (including 3 long distance), I moved jobs and we were finally closer. He proposed in early summer, and two months ago I left my apartment and moved in with him. Initially I was opposed to cohabitating before marriage, but his job pays for his apartment (so much money saved!). Also, he was pretty adamant about living together.
I love him, but I'm having a hard time getting excited for the wedding and also the marriage (a tiny bit). I'm applying to go to grad school right now, and I'd always imagined already having that degree before being married. All my friends are single or going through breakups. On one hand, I see how miserable they are trolling Tinder/Bumble. On the other hand, I've never been single as an adult. I'll never get to feel butterflies with anyone else. Wedding planning holds no appeal for me; I suggested eloping, FH and my mom want a big wedding. I don't have a ring, which is fine, but means I still get hit on occassionally and think, "what if...?" Then I remember I'm engaged and feel guilty. We still have sex (I initiate sometimes), but I feel emotionally closed off and FH notices.
I talked to therapists after getting engaged, and they were pretty much puzzled as to why I was sad in a great relationship. Even the more progressive of the two therapists affirmed that it's hard to find an excellent man before hitting the early-thirties scramble. I've been trying to "glow up" and eat super clean in anticipation of pictures/wedding dress shopping, but even when high on exercise endorphins, I still feel sad.
Basically, I should be grateful and excited. So why am I not, and what can I do?
masterofthebarkarts 5y ago
From your post and your comments, this guy sounds great, and more specifically, good for you. What I want to know is:
-Are you making a point to truly appreciate him? It's easy to take something wonderful for granted if you've had it for a long time. We all get acclimatized.
-Curiosity is normal. While I've dated more than you, I've never done online dating either, and I am also really curious about it! I'm not more curious about OLD than I am in love with my fiancé, though.
-Are you bored with your FH/relationship, or with your life? What can YOU do to be more interesting?
-I'm hearing a lot of "all my friends are x" and "I imagined already having that degree...". What your friends are doing doesn't matter (you acknowledge that most of them are unhappy) and your life isn't supposed to follow the script you wrote out when you were 15.
-If you genuinely think you'll be happier ALONE than with FH, then you have real problems, but if you're mostly wondering what life is like on the other side...don't. Life as a singleton isn't that different, except more lonely and stressful and more opportunities for dudes to treat you shitty. And don't think that you'll leave your FH and be happier with someone new - someone new isn't guaranteed. Someone new might be a lot worse, or, if you're lucky, just as good - but probably not better.
Ultimately, it is a lot less work, and lot smarter, to work on appreciating and loving the person you are with (as long as they aren't a shit-heel and as long as you actually have compatible life goals). You sound very compatible, but do take the time to really make sure you're heading towards the same life: do you both want kids? Not want kids? When? You both have the same religion, which is a huge bonus for the health of your relationship. This sounds like a man you can admire, love and respect, and also LIKE, for your entire life. Do the work with him to make your life together wonderful, or do (more) work alone to either be equally happy or unhappy (who knows whether breaking up with him will make you feel any better) as you are now, PLUS all the work of finding and building a lasting, successful relationship with someone else.
Excitement is a hell of a drug; I get it. But the butterflies stage ALWAYS ENDS - we're not built, biochemically, to sustain it forever. So what's more important? Having some "excitement" with some strangers, which is new and shiny and different, but ultimately not nearly as satisfying as a healthy, normal relationship? Or the "excitement" of building your dream life with someone who is 100% there for you?
zionbeers 5y ago
I finally understand this. I read Marry Him: The Case For Settling between writing this post and now. Put the fear of god in me. Yes, I need to shake up my life and get back on track with pursuing goals and making the relationship interesting. Work and grad school applications have been overwhelming lately. Thanks for your comment.
masterofthebarkarts 5y ago
You're welcome! I LOVED that book honestly. It improved my current relationship a lot. If it makes you feel better, I didn't get 'tingles' for my fiance at first either, but I did find that about 4 months in I got the like stupid/giggling/teenager love that just...hasn't gone away? Now, you two have been together longer than my man and I have, but I am 31 so I think I have the experience of knowing just how bad a crap relationship can be, so I was in an even better place to really appreciate everything about him.
Sometimes I think that attention from men is low-hanging fruit when we're feeling like our lives are lacking that special 'oomph'. If something seems off, but it's hard to say what, dumping a boyfriend and going through the excitement of meeting someone new can jazz everything up again. Usually it's not worth it though...because that thing we lack always comes back.
It's tempting though...if the "problem" is my relationship, that's a problem I can solve. If the problem is that I have a general sense of ennui and I'm not really sure what I want for my future or myself, that's a hell of bigger problem.
LookingForEquanimity 5y ago
Just wanted to let you know that being single as an adult really sucks (or dating as an adult does).
I cannot tell you whether that’s your hamster going or something else but just wanted to let you know that people usually want what they don’t have and if I found someone I loved and respected I’d hold on to them for dear life.
Trust me when I say you’re missing nothing by not getting to “experience” tinder and bumble and dating.
And those guys that hit on you and make you think “what if” - most likely than not are people who would probably fade out.
The grass is greener where you water it. It’s not greener on the other side. That is a facade.
letgoor 5y ago
I just finished reading the book “marry him: the case for settling for mr. good enough” where the author tackles this exact question, extensively. Recommended read. Although I wouldn’t put your situation as “settling” since it sounds like you are both equally matched.
Btw your fiancé sounds hot, 6’5, lean, muscular, advanced degree, loves you and cares for you?
Girl, get that on lock. ASAP.
Random_dude5678 5y ago
Sounds like the hamsters a spinnin
zionbeers 5y ago
I just downloaded this on to my Kindle app last night. FH went to bed early with a cold, so I just sat there next to him with my phone and read for three hours. All I could do was look over at him and think THANK GOD lol.
Why don't more older women talk to younger women about finding a man who meets the essentials and "settling" for him? My own mom/grandmas are uber socially conservative, and even they have pushed the "only settle for non-stop tingles" narrative (to varying degrees of success in their own marriages). So it's not just a feminist thing.
letgoor 5y ago
Oh my goodness so glad you started reading it! I literally started it and finished it within a day. Makes you think, right? I’m only 23 and I’m sooo glad I read it at this age! I definitely used to have a super long list (not as long as the author’s though, lol) and would write off guys for petty reasons.
Best of luck in your relationship, it sounds like you guys have an amazing thing going, definitely something I aspire to have! ❤️(Especially the part where he was your first- I’m still a Virgin and I have a fantasy where only have sex with the man I will marry. I’m not even religious, I’m an atheist actually, but this is just something I want.) ????
zionbeers 5y ago
Although I'm religious, tbh "waiting" for a future husband had more to do with not wanting to get hurt (along with the fantasy thing that you mentioned). Oxytocin is a hell of a drug, and I was worried about getting to attached to the wrong person if I had sex more casually. Even after everything has worked out, in an ideal world I would have waited longer--when we were younger, we both could see ourselves marrying the other person, but beginning a relationship in college was almost as much of a gamble as beginning a relationship in high school. All of my friends and their college boyfriends have broken up, for various reasons. I had to move and change jobs to end the long distance, and that was rough. But at least I had a promise of getting marriage on the other side of the move, and now I have a FH who is fine with moving with me for grad school.
ManguZa 5y ago
Sort out that feeling before marrying or else you'll be miserable and divorce.
cynicalhousewife 5y ago
Are you actually genuinely romantically in love with this man? A woman who has these feelings for a man would generally be ecstatic about landing his commitment and securing marriage from him. She would be mortified at the very thought of letting such a good thing go. You tell yourself that you love this man, and want to marry him, but do you really? Your question and the way it is phrased drops so many hints that you are in denial so you try to make vague excuses whilst trying to minimise your cold feet.
What are you going to gain from dating and being single again if you have already secured everything from a man that you claim to be in love with? Your friends have it, so you want it too? Your aim is to go back to square one and look for a marriage worthy man that you are head over heels with all over again purely just for thrills and novelty? I'm not buying it. That's simply not how most females think.
The key word here is MOST.
You could be one of those rare women that actually does not want male commitment and is missing those instincts. Women who genuinely crave excitement over stability do exist but they are the exception rather than the rule.
zionbeers 5y ago
How exactly are we defining "romantically in love"? I'm not a non-stop tingles machine, but I love him, I want him sexually, and I want to be his partner.
Maybe saying this just sounds like another excuse, but I'm pretty emotionally guarded and was concerned about FH and I working out (long distance was a bitch, and I have a career goal that is also really important to me). Despite loving him and moving to be with him last year, I didn't really feel "safe" enough to commit fully until the LDR ended and we got engaged. It's been an interesting few months. I wouldn't say I crave excitement--I've never dated as an adult besides FH, so I'm vaguely curious, but I also know casual sex would devastate me. Also, to be clear, I'm not autistic or a lesbian--just weird, I guess?
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cynicalhousewife 5y ago
You are not long distance any more. You are engaged to be married to this man, you have secured everything from him and you have his commitment. Do you not trust him? Are you worried about him hurting you? That is of course another possibility.
always_sad12 5y ago
Can you describe him? What kind of guy is he, physically and professionally?
zionbeers 5y ago
Physically: 6'5, athletic/lean, beard. We did the same sport in college. One of my favorite parts of college was watching girls try to pick him up at parties.
Professionally: I don't want to get too detailed, but he has an advanced degree and a job. Makes decent money, but made a concerted choice to choose something that made him feel fulfilled over something that made him rich but miserable. His goal is to be more secure than his family growing up. I'll probably always work for us to have the lifestyle we want (hence the going back to school), but that's what I want too.
always_sad12 5y ago
From how you’ve described him, unless you have model-tier looks yourself it seems like he is settling for you. I’d be careful, because unless you’re a solid 9 you will have trouble getting someone as good as that.
zionbeers 5y ago
Well, rose-tinted glasses and all that—he’s not everyone’s cup of tea (think Benedict Cumbersnatch) but I think he’s A+.
I would’ve put myself at an 8 when we met but am probably more like a 6 now, which is anxiety producing and is something I’m working on.
Wolfssenger 5y ago
What \u\CalvinRichland said is curt but true. Whether you're failing to curb unwarranted hypergamous instincts or legitimately losing attraction is difficult to tell, but if you're having misgivings about committing to this man don't commit to ruining his life(and those of any kids) in the future.
pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
Your second sentence is unnecessarily insulting particularly on the women's sub. The OP is here asking for advice. Either give advice from a charitable place or sit this one out. Sometimes it's hard to be kind when you associate with the BF but remember:
Wolfssenger 5y ago
Edited in kind.
pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
Thank you. Reapproved.
LateralThinker13 5y ago
Two issues I see, and I'm not sure you grasp what the problems are. Here it is as I see it:
Problem 1 is, you're wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. That's your hamster talking. Meditate on where you are at in life and if you are happy or not. If you are happy, stab your hamster to death. If you aren't happy, then... you may need to move on. A strong Captain will likely make you happier; I am not sure about yours.
Problem 2, you don't want the time/expense/effort of a big wedding (I empathize completely). Your FH does, as does your mother, and they're pressuring you to do something you don't want.
So say no. FFS, this is your life. It's the BRIDE who decides the wedding plans, not anybody else. Why are you letting them control you like this? Of COURSE you're felling unhappy. You're being trapped by the expectations of others.
Discuss this with FH (NOT your mother). Lay out your desires, and how you are feeling pressured. Because I get the impression that you'd like to be married, but not the pressure of a wedding.
Consider: a wedding is one of the top three most stressful things you will EVER live through. Why wouldn't it be stressing you out? Especially when you feel your control slipping over your life.
Again, talk with your FH. I suspect he'll be sympathetic. Enlist HIS aid against anybody who would judge/control/advise otherwise, as you two are aiming to team up against the world. Either he has your back before anybody else's, or... he doesn't. Good to find out which it is now.
pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
/u/teaandtalk isn't wrong here. Your advice to discuss this with her fiance is sound but in a captain first mate dynamic, it's not the bride who exclusively decides the wedding unless the captain wants it that way.
teaandtalk 5y ago
Really? That's the most blue pill, Disney princess, gynocentric thing I've seen from you! If her FIANCE wants a wedding, why is it her feminine prerogative to say it's not happening?
zionbeers 5y ago
FH and I have talked through the big wedding thing at some length. Obviously I'm not getting my way, but I can't complain about the workload/stress. My mom is doing a great job and FH has been very helpful. But moreover, a big wedding is something I can easily give to FH, and that he deserves. He REALLY wants all his family and friends there, he wants me in a nice white dress, he wants traditional stuff, he wants a band, etc. The only thing I truly cared about was getting married in the Catholic Church, and we're both Catholic, so that was a given.
He does make me happy. But when we meet, I was a pretty innocent 18 year old and he was a hyper-macho athlete. He always made it clear that he was committed and that he wanted to be with me, but it wasn't until a few years in that he opened up and got more emotional, really clearly expressed love, etc. He's even mentioned this. I think I have some residual resentment around that, whether that's fair or not.
xelaandra23 5y ago
As soon as I read that you met him freshman year of college, I had doubts about this. To me, it sounds like you met him and started dating too early in life, before you felt settled as a person or knew what you wanted. Honestly I would think the feelings you're having now would only get worse, but I've also never been engaged or married yet, so take this for what it's worth.
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Also seems odd that you intended to hold out until marriage but didn't and also intended to live apart until marriage, but didn't fulfill that either. Seems like this relationship didn't go the way you wanted it to largely due to you guys meeting/dating young (assuming alcohol and college culture led to the sex...and you say financial reasons led to living together...and your lack of experience in relationships in general probably led to you agreeing to things sooner than you really wanted to).
zionbeers 5y ago
For sake of clarification, he asked me out when he was coming off his plate-spinning phase. We actually weren’t drinking at all at that time (our sports teams were sober during competition season). The dating itself was pretty traditional, in that he wanted to wait for sex with me (although by nine months in, which is when I agreed, he was starting to go a bit nuts). I would say college culture led to sex in that I realized no one in our vicinity was getting married before mid twenties at earliest, and it would have been unreasonable to expect him to hold off having sex for 3+ years. I sometimes generally regret not waiting until marriage and dating so young, but I don’t regret doing either with him. As for housing, it was feasible to be separate (I lived alone and paid for that apartment the year prior to getting engaged). But logistically, living together made sense and saving additional $ was a nice side effect.
All in all, I’m glad I’m with him. But navigating the path from being teens to being adults together hasn’t always been easy, especially with three years LDR thrown in. I think we’ve grown better suited to one another over time. That said, I certainly wouldn’t advise a friend or daughter to do the same.
xelaandra23 5y ago
Thanks.
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He was coming off of his plate-spinning phase freshman year of college? Seems a little young...men generally need more time than that to sow their oats. So do many women for that matter.
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I do commend you for pretty traditional dating despite being in college.
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If you're happy with him and don't think these mixed feelings you're currently having will get worse, then that's great.
zionbeers 5y ago
He was a junior in college when we started dating seriously (asked me out very end of sophomore year). So including the end of highschool he had 2+ years of apparently getting with lots of girls. Apparently that was enough.
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pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
We do not decide whether or not any man who is not here is "a real man" nor can you make a decision for what any other man should do.
If you want to make your points about "going back to school..." then you need to elaborate as it will make a better answer. Your suggestion that she wants to ride the CC is uncharitable but if you are going to make it, then you need to point out why her post makes her sound this way. Over all this is too curt to be helpful and not written in a way a woman is going to hear.
CalvinRichland 5y ago
ok then. Anyone with self respect would not want to be with another understanding they never gave them the tingles.
Going back to school will break them up because they will be in such different life phases and if she is getting grass is greener now college will have a lot more temptation. Not to mention the environment encourages BS like self actualization and hook up culture.
The fact that she sounds really curious sexually about other men in addtion to saying she has never been a single adult makes it sound like she wants to try other dick. Combined with not getting the tingles for this great catch i dont even blame her.
Good enough clarification?
pearlsandstilettos 5y ago
Better yes. Thank you for clarifying.
LateralThinker13 5y ago
That's kinda harsh, dude.
CalvinRichland 5y ago
Am i wrong? I don't think i was too harsh just to the point.
LateralThinker13 5y ago
All you did is effectively say, "Break up." No questions, no real advice other than to move on. That isn't terribly helpful, and you were crass while saying so.
I mean, "Sounds like you want to ride the CC?" Did you even read the post? He was her first everything. She's wondering about other men because she hasn't had any. That's not unjustifiable curiosity. It's a far cry from simply having an itch that he doesn't adequately scratch, let alone wanting to ride the CC.
In short, you can give better, more helpful advice than to simply break up.
EDIT: I mean, your advice boils down to "You're not hot for him. School will break you up. You want to sleep around. Break up. Or tell him how you feel so he'll break up with you first, or at least prove he's unfit by NOT breaking up with you." No attempt to help her salvage or understand her relationship, or to help her grow or learn. Just break up.
Not helpful.
CalvinRichland 5y ago
She said she still gets hit on and thinks what if in addition to being closed off to him emotionally.
What should she do? Act logically, hide her feelings, get married with doubts and gamble the future of some children on her feelings settling down?
"Closed emotionally" is huge.
She also bssically says she never had the tingles for him and grew to like him. Classic beta attraction.
zionbeers 5y ago
I commented something similar elsewhere, but maybe worth mentioning—I can see why this comes across as beta attraction, but it seems like the opposite from my POV. I was really emotionally guarded early in our relationship; I was an 18 year old (attempting to save sex for marriage). A lot of his teammates spun plates and I knew he did too. Once we’d been dating for a few months, he made it clear that he was committed and that he wanted to be with me, but it wasn't until a couple years in that he opened up and got more emotional, really clearly expressed love, etc. He was actually the one who brought this up recently. Anyway, in other words—I never really let myself get comfortable enough to feel tingles, then went long distance, then he became more beta. So now I think he’s trying to find more of an equilibrium (not that we talk about that part).
CalvinRichland 5y ago
It doesn't get easier after you are married. The way you talk about him the more it feels like you are discussing sunk costs and not someone you love and want to marry.
zionbeers 5y ago
I feel secure in loving him. I also worry that I’m inclined to feel tingles for assholes (as many women do); logically, I’d rather hold on to an excellent man that I love than throw myself into law school single and be surrounded for men who, as a group, aren’t known for their positive qualities in relationships lol.
To be completely frank, I feel TONS of tingles for FH when I’m ovulating. On the animal level, I will do anything for him. I will always love him, I’m just trying to figure out how to be ‘slutty’ for him the rest of the time. I actually mentioned that I wanted to be ‘monogamously slutty’ the other night which he found pretty funny.
Kara__El 5y ago
This sounds like more than your typical cold feet. It sounds like you don't love this man and don't want to spend your life with him. If you were 38 and married, I'd say this is more or less normal "grass is greener" thinking and tell you to settle in for the long haul, but at 25, prior to marriage, you should feel the best about him that you ever will. Consider that that might be true. This might be the most you ever feel for this man. Can you live with that? Because marrying this man and filing for divorce after two years isn't going to make you a better prospect. Can you picture yourself being happy enough in 10 years to make it another 40?
teaandtalk 5y ago
Disagree, sounds like she loves him but probably isn't very attracted to him. (Everything else you've said is spot on).
Kara__El 5y ago
I actually almost said "romantically." I wouldn't blame a lack of attraction, just from her post, but her love seems platonic. I'm not sure what's to blame, but it doesn't read like the love between a husband and wife.
teaandtalk 5y ago
Yes, agreed.
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