How can I tell my boyfriend that I want more contact? | RedPillWomen

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Kp9999kp

Posted 5y ago in LTR/MARRIAGE - Permalink - Locked - 182 Views

I would like to spend more time with my boyfriend of nearly two years and have more daily communication by phone and text. At the moment we see each other either Friday/Saturday or Saturday/Sunday and I'd say maybe once during the week every two weeks. We have a phone call once a day but only for 5-10mins and it's really hard to catch him at the right time as he has an erratic work schedule. He doesn't like to text and we never really get a good text conversation going :(

I'd like to see him everyday if I could or at least talk on the phone for half hour or so! Any increase will help as I feel like a child suffering from separation anxiety. He's very independent and hates planning anything even a week in advance. I know he likes things the way they are but if I don't do anything I'll just keep on being unhappy. How can I approach him about the problem in an RP way? I feel horribly needy and vulnerable as he has all the control. He doesn't know I feel this way as Im scared asking for more will push him away. Any advice would be lovely xx

Permalink

Imnotarobotforrreal 5y ago

Just tell him exactly what you wrote.

AnarchoNAP 5y ago

Only seeing each other on weekends after two years would indicate lack of interest to me.

ExceptionalSea 5y ago

How old are you? I get the feeling you are both young/in a young relationship?

I don’t want to be harsh, but serious LTRs, especially as you get older, typically have a progression where the couple increasingly spends more and more time together (hence why you see all these couples nowadays move in together before marriage). I don’t know any other details of your relationship, but I think you are right to want to spend more time with someone you’ve been dating for 2 years. It’s also time for YOU to evaluate whether he is putting in the effort to be marriage material in your eyes. Do you really want to keep dating someone who you have to “ask” to talk to you/see you more? I’ve been in several serious LTRs and this is not something I’ve ever had to negotiate. This is also true of my friends who are married or in serious LTRs. At that point in the relationship I would expect to see the person at least 4-5 days a week with very consistent communication, and not because anyone felt forced, but because that’s how often we want to stay in touch.

Now I could be completely wrong, you all might have extra extenuating circumstances and he otherwise showers you with love and affection, but that’s what I’m getting from what you wrote.

videlachkadua 5y ago

I've been dealing with this for a long time. My boyfriend would be going months away because of issues with his family and I felt depressed and anxious. But what got me out of the depression is focusing on my goals.

When I got employed and start working out and taking care of my myself I became less needy and my confidence grew.

Don't suck it up but just communicate effectively and express your wants but calm down the anxiety or maybe focus on your passions.

What are your passions?

With anxiety sometimes we have to calm ourselves and not worry. My boyfriend and I talk every other day and we feel good.

I wrote a post about it and if you want to read it it's on my profile. Some of the answers helped me as well.

Howlsraven 5y ago

I'm not sure if I missed some details but are there any structural changes you can make to enable you spending time together. Like could you move closer and spend dinner time with him whenever he gets home from work. How permanent is his eratic work schedule.

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CalvinRichland 5y ago

Keep being unhappy, really its best for everyone.

Is this going to lead to a marriage? If so when?

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KittenLoves_ 5y ago

"Keep being unhappy in your unsatisfying relationship and go get married quickly so you can continue being unsatisfied but with a ring on your finger" isn't advice.

CalvinRichland 5y ago

And its also not not what i said. Quotes have meaning and those arent my words. I ASKED if they plan to get married to understand the full situation.

My point is that he is already seeing her as much as he wants but I need to gauge his commitment to give good advice.

I have had girls ask me to give them more phone time, more of my evenings, etc. I dumped them all. You want a man that is important and busy, but then seek to monopolize his time. If the ONLY issue is you dont get enough of an amazing guy perhaps its not the problem it seems.

KittenLoves_ 5y ago

I have had girls ask me to give them more phone time, more of my evenings, etc. I dumped them all. You want a man that is important and busy, but then seek to monopolize his time.

You're not her boyfriend, so I don't think your particular experiences are relevant. Most people in a longterm, serious relationship seek to see their partner more than twice a week and prefer to speak to them regularly. Not everyone has the same level of desire for time spent together, obviously, but if her needs are not being met as things are at the moment, "just suck it up and deal with it" isn't good advice. It will lead to building resentment and eventually if their entire relationship is built on her denying her own needs in order to make him happy, then there will be an eventual explosion of negativity when the build-up becomes too much to handle.

/u/Kp9999kp, present your problem to him in a way that doesn't seem like nagging or criticism. "I really respect how hard you work and I understand that you're very busy at the moment, but as a result I sometimes feel (insert feelings here) when you (whatever he does that makes you feel this way)."

Present him with your problem in a non-accusatory fashion and a good man will usually find a solution. Whatever that solution may be, accept it graceful and gratefully.

Kp9999kp 5y ago

Thank you, I'll try and find a good moment to talk about it!

Fully agree about denying my own needs. I cant do it forever!

CalvinRichland 5y ago

This question is the equal of a guy asking, "my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with me, how do I convince her she does".

You speak of resentment, he will resent her when he is on the phone with her when he knows he needs to prep for tomorrows big meeting or hit the gym.

This is so classic, everyone wants the busy important guy going places with his own life but they can't get enough of him. So if only she could find a way to find an important guy going places then cage him... yes that will certainly make things perfect.

OP has not followed up with more info but I am telling you that you are wrong. I see it all the time. Try supporting him and making the time you do spend with him enjoyable and he will prioritize that time, but a sucessful career and body takes considerable effort and time commitment. You know what guys always have time, losers. Sorry its just that simple.

Note 99% of the time I say just be direct with men. This is the 1 time really I think it will be negative.

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[deleted] 5y ago

My fiance is an important and busy guy with his own friends, hobbies, and successful career. My love language is quality time and since he determined he wanted to keep me, he wants me to feel loved. So, even before we moved in together we saw each other three evenings a week and had phone conversations before bed on half of the other nights. Even now, he calls be before bed for like half an hour if he is out of town for a trip. And when at home, he decided the last hour or two of the night before he goes to be is spent with me (which typically includes sex) if he isn't on call for work. If a woman is important enough to a man and he knows quality time is important to her, he will make time for it for the sake of the relationship. That's not monopolizing his time but it is him placing the relationship among the top priorities in his life. It is important for making a relationship last, especially if a woman's love language is quality time. A man can't ignore a woman's love language and expect hypergamy to be kept at bay.

CalvinRichland 5y ago

You said he decided and sex. Also he is your husband. They are currently dating with her sounding unsure they will make it. This is very diferent scenario.

Note: i also advised she make him WANT to spend the time without requesting it. Begging your man to come watch 16 candles with you is not the same as wanting his attention and figuring out how to get it.

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Kp9999kp 5y ago

We haven't planned to get married yet. He has just got a record contract as a musician so following his dream is obviously the priority and I love him even more for doing this. It also doesn't make sense to plan marriage as its early days in his music career and i don't know if we will definitely survive it. Everything has been great so far though. He has been doing music full time for over six months now.

I can understand what your saying Calvin but I don't agree with it. Also he doesn't go to the gym and I don't know why you would assume that?

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