Hello Ladies
I have a problem and I think I'm not alone. Why is it so difficult for me (or some women) to STFU even when we know better? For example: My BF has a lot to do at work at the moment and it's not possible for him (or not on his mind, idc) to text me a lot. I know this is not a real problem, I understand him and I know how it is when you have a lot on your plate and no time to text. But still... he's getting home in about 30 minutes and I hope that I can be friendly and charming when he comes home. I feel like an "abandoned child" and think that's exactly the point. Some "lesser" part of me feels like it's getting not enough attention. Lol. Stupid me.
I don't want to say that I'm a evil shrew, it's just a stupid little example. I think that usually I'm quite an pleasant girlfriend and I love my boyfriend, who is a really great human being. But I don't unterstand how it's so unbelievable difficult for me to be quiet, to NOT feel a little bit offended like a spoilt little brat, ESPECIALLY when my mind knows better.
Do I sound completely crazy? Or am I not alone in this?
19_LadyScarlet_90 5y ago
My mom used to always say "Your attitude is your choice". If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd be retired now lol.
But in all seriousness, you are not alone. I am a very vocal person, like, all the time. And I can also be a very emotional person. When those emotions come up, I have to CHOOSE not to act on them or say anything. It's hard, but the best thing to remember is that no one else decides your attitude. You do. We can't control how others act, but we can control how we REact.
Also, remember- if he's at work, he's busy. Is his job potentially dangerous? Then you should be happy he's NOT texting you and focusing on staying safe so he can return home to you every night. I would much rather not hear from my husband all day (which is currently the norm) than to be constantly texting him and cause him to have an accident because he was distracted. Keep in mind men compartmentalize things more than we do, so while I'm paying bills, washing dishes or doing other housework, my mind is also thinking about my upcoming business trip or our next fun outing, whereas when hubby is at work, that's what he's doing- work. I will often tell him, "I missed you", or "I've been thinking about you all day", he will admit to me that I wasn't really on his mind at work, and I'm ok with that. Again, safety! As long as he comes home and loves on me and is happy to see me WHEN HE GETS HOME, I don't really mind if I go the day without hearing from him. It also gives us more to talk about when he gets home- he loves to tell stories about his job and the guys he works with, and they are much more fun to hear in person anyways.
So relax! Distract yourself during the day with hobbies, work, etc. If you know when he'll be home, start dinner so it's ready for him. Let your man do his job, and be happy to see him and that soft landing place when he gets home. Give him some time to unwind, and when he's ready, he'll give you the attention you need.
CalvinRichland 5y ago
You need a positive female friend to blab with
Zeldafan1023 5y ago
Feelings are a lot more difficult to control than actions. We have the ability to control if we act on our feelings or not though, and the more we choose to act on wisdom despite what we are feeling, the more we gain control over our feelings. Don't feel bad about having irrational urges, emotions, or feelings. Listen to them, acknowledge them, but do what you have found to be good, no matter what they say. Feeling something isn't necessarily a cause for guilt, even if it's unreasonable.
LateralThinker13 5y ago
You don't have an active enough life. If you have the time to pine over his less than full attention, you have time to do other, more worthwhile activities. Like mopping the floors, cleaning out the eaves, etc.
Try creating an inner drill sergeant to get you out of it. What would R. Lee Ermy tell you? Seriously. Visualize his drill sergeant persona standing there, and imagine how he'd react to you being (your words) a spoilt little brat. Imagine his words. Then go. Do.
vanBeethovenLudwig 5y ago
This. You shouldn't be living life relying on your boyfriend's attention. Go and do some things. I started drawing comics, and he usually ends up texting me before I'm finished.
ragnarockette 5y ago
Oh man, me too. I am someone who works things out by talking about them and I am definitely burdening my husband way too much with my woes and worries.
I am going to do a challenge today where I don’t talk about anything negative to my husband the entire day, and I say yes to everything he suggests instead of starting a discussion about it.
I will report back!
[deleted] 5y ago
How did it go?
Iamthewalrus482 5y ago
That’s a great idea! I think I’ll join you in your challenge:)
[deleted] 5y ago
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nuclear_coffee 5y ago
I agree. Admitting what you feel and telling yourself why you feel it really helps. If I need to, I do that for my boyfriend too. "im feeling really sad that you didn't text me all day, even though I know you've been super busy at work and this realistically isn't actually a big deal at all, but my emotions are being a pain"
I feel like that actually ends up helping my relationship than me sitting around telling him "nothing is wrong" when obviously something is chewing at me.
[deleted] 5y ago
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red_philosopher 5y ago
Preach it brother. I felt the same way reading this, and I have a perfect life example that goes along with it. I (read two years ago) had broken up with a woman who would emotionally blackmail me because I wouldn't text her all day at work. She said the EXACT same fucking thing.
I loved this girl to death, and I'm grateful for her for putting me through the wringer. Without her, I'd never have found the red. But ultimately, I was weak, and she took advantage of me because of it.
alexandria42o 5y ago
when you feel the need to text him/talk to him while he's busy, would it ease your mind to send a quick text but not expect anything back?
example:
I know you're super busy at work and can't talk, but just wanted to let you know I'm proud of you for the hard work you've been putting in. can't wait to see you later!
or try to plan little things you can do together when he gets home so you don't focus on his absence during the day? like get his favorite take out and plan a movie night, eat picnic style on the floor. then you can focus on the planning for the date night/activities, know you're doing something nice for him (as well as yourself), you're showing him your appreciation, and you're being productive (not just sitting there focusing on him not texting you)
strategic_expert 5y ago
I feel similar! I really wish I could just STFU... I say little snippets here and there that are just downright negative and don't necessarily have to be said. I know he holds his tongue all the time (seemingly) without even realizing it - I wish he would be more honest! And I wish I could just STFU!!
Maybe daily yoga and affirmations can help? I say negative things all the time to myself as well... and I sort of hold on to that because saying negative/truthful things has always helped me to improve personally... but at this point I think the negative things are drowning out the happy, bubbily feminine sometimes.
So, I'm with you.
Nessunolosa 5y ago
Oh, friend. Me as well.
I was feeling sad for no reason this week, and started this whole long drawn out emotional blurghhhhhh-fest while we were working together in the outdoors (something we love to do). Tears and the works. Over nothing. Kitchen-sinking it, bringing up an argument from a month ago.
After all that, and much patience on my husband's part, I go inside and discover that I'm a hormonal mess because my period was starting right then.
SO embarrassing to have it all come down to hormones, essentially. At least I'm aware of this issue and actively working to fix it.
W0zzynix 5y ago
I've been working on this too, it's a struggle sometimes! Especially when it pertains to unwarranted jealousy on my part or when things don't get done the way I think they should. Sometimes I'll catch myself mid sentence then stop and say 'nevermind, that's not helpful.' As such a verbal and emotional person, I have a feeling that this is something that I'll have to continuously work on for the rest of my life. It has been getting easier, though.
[deleted] 5y ago
Yesterday he was busy all day and we only talked briefly until the good night text. He did tell me how he appreciated letting him work and he knew how I wanted to talk to him but shut up.we also text with the expectation the other will get it to when they get to it.
cherryhearts 5y ago
Let yourself feel that way, process that feeling!
Don't tell him about it, just, work through it on your onw.
When he comes home and you feel annoyed just remind yourself
"I don't want to express this kind of feeling towards him until I understand it myself".
Takes time and practice. As long as you're trying to separate yourself from the hamster - you're making progress.