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- Hide Preview | 42 Comments | submitted 5 months ago by merel-- [Post Locked]

Ok... So I went on a first date this weekend. The guy send me a message on OkCupid, only reasons I responded is because he wore a plastic viking hat in one picture which cracked me up and he has a pretty good job. He wasn't attractive, at all really, not some extremely interesting bio or cool hobbies or whatever. We started talking and he made a lot of viking jokes and all of them were actually funny!

So, after a week or so of talking we went out for drinks. I went by bike to the pub we were supposed to meet and he sat outside waiting for me... He was even uglier in real life but once we sat down and started talking everything changed.

He has such a magnetism to him, I don't think I've ever been so instantly attracted to a man. He has a vibe that screams "Don't fuck with me", he was sooooo fucking confident, so intens. Also he was very clear about what he wanted, a soft and caring girl to be the mother of his children. He actually asked me how I felt about having children in the next few years... Who even says that on the first date?!?!?

I was just being my soft, receptive and slightly giggly self. Having fun, drinking my drink and at one point he leans forward, looks me straight in the eye, smirks and says he is going to tell me something shocking. I'm actually startled by this... He says he is going to kiss me at the end of the evening and there is still some time to run away if I don't want that to happen. Well... That made me a little warm on the inside to be completely honest.

So we kissed (which was great) at the end of the evening and I texted him when I was home. I told him I really liked spending time with him, he responded with asking if I also really liked him. I played it coy and said I liked him but wasn't sure if I really liked him. He responded that he was quite sure about that.

This guy... I swear to god... He really knows what he's doing. I went from being very neutral to doing a happy dance when he texts me. Now the challenge is making him work for it a little bit. He is ticking basically every box on my man wish list, except for physical stuff and I don't even give a shit about that with him!

So I would go out with everybody who seems slightly interesting on dating apps! Maybe he happens to be something very special even if you don't really expect that and if he isn't you can always cut a date short.

[-] Whisper 107 Points 5 months ago

Male attractiveness is almost entirely behavioral.

This is why girls look at men's personal ads and always think they are unattractive losers. Because an ad like that cannot show a man's behavioral traits.

[-] merel-- 25 Points 5 months ago

I try to react to every guy who sends me a nice message, because maybe they're really amazing!

[-] Kara__El 95 Points 5 months ago

Men are terrible at selecting pictures of themselves. I always tried to choose someone I thought I could be attracted to, as opposed to someone immediately gorgeous. People are always surprised when I tell them there wasn't a spark when I met my husband. Well, of course not, this isn't a Disney movie. He looked like his picture and hadn't lied about his height. There was conversational chemistry and as we got to know each other, his neutral appearance became very attractive to me.

It's so hard to share this with women, here. I've tried and have often gotten the response that they shouldn't have to settle. Fine. Don't settle. Keep dating Chads and swiping right more and more desperately as you approach 30. There's a reason they say all the good ones are taken. It's because they are... by women who are able to put aside their desire for a gorgeous social media prop and get to know an actual person. Kudos to you for giving this guy a chance.

[-] DontThinkChewSoap 23 Points 5 months ago

Well said. You’ll notice that (for the most part) all the women on Instagram for example that have “gorgeous” men are young and are “exploring the world” while they are in their early 20s and aren’t ready to settle down. The accounts that have multiple children, a nice house, and go on vacation are those who have normal looking (even physically unattractive) men as husbands. Women always accuse men of only seeing someone’s worth if they’re attractive, but women are just as guilty especially when it comes to a man being bald or shorter than 6’ tall. There are standard pretty boys or bad boy, mysterious types, but one of the biggest crushes I ever had when I was a teenager was on a teacher who was actually bald. He wasn’t old, maybe mid to late 30s, just had a clean shaven head. He was completely intimidating and it was all in his behavior, though he by no means had an ugly face and also clearly worked out. Young women will always be picky until they realize they realistically you can’t expect you have a perfect Prince Charming waiting for you if they want to settle down and have a fulfilling life. It’s not all about looks.

[-] Kara__El 8 Points 5 months ago

I actually realized the same thing, when I was dating. Most women I followed, when I had social media, had very average looking husbands. The few with gorgeous husbands were vapid and shallow women from high school, who still went barhopping in their late twenties.

[-] merel-- 4 Points 5 months ago

I've actually been in a relationship with one of these "gorgeous, travelling guys". He was fine, I guess, but never in months made me feel the way this guy did in a couple of hours.

[-] Whisper 10 Points 5 months ago

There's a reason they say all the good ones are taken. It's because they are... by women who are able to put aside their desire for a gorgeous social media prop and get to know an actual person.

+1

/u/pearlsandstilettos

[-] pearlsandstilettos 3 Points 5 months ago

+1 Star from /u/Whisper . Yay for you!!

[-] 1savysavage 48 Points 5 months ago

Be careful. Personally I’ve had the same type of experience and now I view getting into such major future topics like kids and marriage super early (first date) as red flags. My ex did that and it was just a way to information gather to use to manipulate. Not saying everyone is like that but I’m careful of anyone who is “too good” to be true. They usually are. Logic trumps emotions. Stay smart.

[-] LookingForEquanimity 14 Points 5 months ago

I agree! A first date should be fun. It weirds me out when these things are brought up right away. Communicates to me they are looking for just anyone.

[-] merel-- 21 Points 5 months ago

We were talking for 4-5 hours or something and attraction was established pretty early on. It wasn't a 20 min coffee date, then it would have been slightly creepy.

[-] Kara__El 30 Points 5 months ago

My husband and I had the most organic conversation on our second date, about appropriate timelines for engagement and marriage and kids. It was actually less threatening because it was so obviously hypothetical. Context is important and if you don't think it was too much, you're the one with the most information to judge.

[-] Zegiknie 26 Points 5 months ago

OP is Dutch, so I assume date was also Dutch. Dutch people are often this upfront. Not a red flag.

[-] Ihatemost 8 Points 5 months ago

I think it varies from one situation to another. OP seems to say that the conversation flowed into that subject very naturally. Generally speaking, it takes longer to see if there's chemistry rather than seeing if long term goals are similar (that's fairly straight forward). Sure first dates are fun, but it gets draining to do these multiple times only to have it fail because of something that could've been discussed on the first date.

[-] merel-- 12 Points 5 months ago

It didn't come out of no where. We had a conversation about how dating rules are bullshit and I would like to talk about past relationships and what went wrong (see how they think about their exes is very telling). I see it as a good part of vetting, seeing how someone views the short-term future. Some guys are liars and psychopaths but I they are a huge minority.

[-] Stilllearnin2 9 Points 5 months ago

This. Love bombing. IMO

[-] adviceneeded-me 1 Point 5 months ago

⚠️ Point noted!

[-] Zegiknie 12 Points 5 months ago

Play him some Heidevolk music! :-p

[-] merel-- 2 Points 5 months ago

Well... That's awfully specific ????

[-] Zegiknie 6 Points 5 months ago

But I didn't even mention it should be Vulgaris Magistralis!

[-] merel-- 1 Point 5 months ago

Ooooo because of the Viking thing ... I'm sorry I'm pretty slow...

[-] NationalMouse 7 Points 5 months ago

It CAN happen, ladies, if you are always warm and open minded about meeting people. Your story is similar to mine... I met my fiancé on Tinder. His bio was kind of boring, his pictures were very vanilla, and he had his head completely shaved, which I hate, but he did mention that he likes to travel and was 6’4” so I figured I’d at least talk to him (because that’s 2 checks on my list). Our first date? He invites me to a gala so of course I accepted! We were both dressed up to the nines and we had never even met before. As soon as I looked at him I thought, he is waaay cuter in person and his hair was grown out into a nice comb-over which I LOVE so the ugly shaved head was gone! We’ve been together pretty much ever since.

[-] [deleted] 5 months ago
[-] MrTrizzles 3 Points 5 months ago

Eh. Sounds like a TRP sentiment. If he’s a normal guy who is into you he will more likely be trying to seduce you than anything else.

[-] [deleted] 5 months ago
[-] classylassy28 18 Points 5 months ago

Women like being chased. From little girls playing to old women scooting away in the old folks home lol.

[-] WhatTheEwok 4 Points 5 months ago

Good point. When I was young, girls also didn't like it when I pulled their hair....funny how things change.

[-] classylassy28 2 Points 5 months ago

It's a part of playing hard to get. It's engrained lol

[-] merel-- 7 Points 5 months ago

Yeah, I understand. I was more talking about not jumping him until we're exclusive. I don't want to sleep with guys who aren't at least a little bit serious about me. Not acting like I'm not interested, that's just dumb.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 5 months ago

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[-] merel-- 3 Points 5 months ago

Yeah, he seems like a lot of fun! But only the first date so I'm trying to be calm.......

[-] [deleted] 5 months ago
[-] merel-- 3 Points 5 months ago

Yeah, this doesn't really help anybody. The girls here are looking for a good husband not a hot husband.

Because he has such a dominant and masculine energy I think he is super hot... There are plenty of happy relationships where the woman is more attractive than the man, it's a dynamic that is proven to work.

[-] [deleted] 0 Points 5 months ago

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[-] Zegiknie 3 Points 5 months ago

A body can respond physically without visual input. She will associate him with the psychological input. I have seen it work for people.

[-] [deleted] 2 Points 5 months ago

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[-] merel-- 3 Points 5 months ago

zero physical attraction

I feel pretty physically attracted to him.

women TALK THEMSELVES INTO A SHITTY DUDE. Then talk themselves INTO STAYING.

He isn't a shitty dude, don't worry.

As soon as the OP determined this guy was a zero to her on the physical attractive scale

Never said that and after a couple of hours he is ranking pretty high.

Women and men are different. For men looks are a non-negotiable, for a lot of (not all) women it is negotiable, if he is amazing in different ways and makes me feel feminine...

[-] Zegiknie 1 Point 5 months ago

I maintain I've seen it work (long term), but upvoted for eloquence. Maybe my favorite comment on this Reddit thing ever LOL.

Edit: maybe this man just smells amazing. I think people can sense when somebody would be a good/healthy match genetically through smell (something about complementary immune systems).

Still smiling over the duct taped foot-steering :-p

[-] [deleted] 5 months ago
[-] merel-- 3 Points 5 months ago

The deeper context is that looks don't matter a huge amount to me. It's more about who he is and what he makes me feel like...

Are you jealous or something?

[-] radioheadcreep 1 Point 5 months ago

Glad you had fun... just be mindful. Passion and attraction are so important. But so is keeping true to your values. I can easily get swept up in that and ignore my gut or the red flags.

[-] merel-- 2 Points 5 months ago

I know. ;)