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- Hide Preview | 22 Comments | submitted 5 months ago by rookebay [Post Locked]

I’ve had a really great couple of weeks. I feel like my joy and peace has returned to me full force. My SO also seems very happy. Especially in response to my demeanor.

There are weeds all over our front yard. We got a notice about a week ago about them. He started pulling that day, in the small section. I genuinely thanked him.

We got a final notice today. I am out here pulling them. There are a lot. He really wanted to make it to the gym. I said go ahead! pleasantly. I have been working for a while now and there is so much. My nose is running, I am coughing, it is getting dark, and I am growing resentful, but I don’t want a fine from the city.

I want to stop bad thought processes in their tracks and keep my serenity. What is the best way to proceed, ladies?

[-] LaneysWorld2 24 Points 5 months ago

When you do something wonderful like that for him always keep in mind what he does for you in turn all the time and try to be grateful for that.

Don't ruin your favor by complaining to him afterwards, just remember that you won't have to do it again soon.

[-] rookebay 7 Points 5 months ago

Okay, thank you! I guess I am just not seeing what he does in turn right now. I will look harder!

[-] Doglatine 18 Points 5 months ago

I think it's really helpful to view a relationship like a bank account. Sometimes you make a deposit, sometimes you make a withdrawal. It's perfectly normal sometimes that one partner makes a big deposit or a big withdrawal. What's key to managing a healthy shared workload in a relationship is ensuring that no-one is making all the deposits or all the withdrawals. If the fundamentals of your relationship are sound, I'm sure your effort will come back around.

One tip: if he doesn't acknowledge the work you've put in, don't be aggressive or pushy in demanding acknowledgement. That'll likely put him on the defensive and he'll scramble to think of deposits of his own he's made. Instead, present it playfully as something you're happy and proud about: "hey, did you see the garden? I didn't think I'd be able to get it done in time. Maybe I've just got natural green fingers!"

[-] rookebay 5 Points 5 months ago

Haha, that would’ve been a cute response! Turns out, he was very grateful without prompt.

I do like your logical framework for a relationship. I am currently working on not making any deposits when I don’t have the money, so to speak. I have a tendency to give when I am empty. Thank you for the insight.

[-] merel-- 6 Points 5 months ago

Maybe a bit off-topic... But getting a fine for some weeds in your front yard? Wtf? Are the weeds like 1m high or something? Where do you live?

I'm so confused.

[-] rookebay 4 Points 5 months ago

Yeah! We don’t even have an hoa, the notices are from the (suburban) city! And without giving too much information, it has been very humid and rainy, so they do get tall quickly. I agree that it is annoying. They weren’t hurting anyone.

[-] Luvscoffee95 1 Point 5 months ago

You must not have a suburban hoa. We get them for everything, including leaving your trash can out for more than a few hours on trash day! But my neighborhood always looks picture perfect so there is that.

[-] girlwithabike 6 Points 5 months ago

Yeah, the neighborhood I grew up in, we were not allowed basketball nets in the street in front of the house or clothes lines in the backyard. I refuse to do live like that as an adult but it's not uncommon.

[-] hiraethdawn 5 Points 5 months ago

Woah, makes me appreciate living in the middle of nowhere. I don't even mow my lawn...

[-] merel-- 1 Point 5 months ago

Is this like a US thing? I'm just literally shocked ... No one gives a shit about those things over here.

[-] Zegiknie 1 Point 5 months ago

Maybe put a sign up that says "DANDELION FARM - do not provoke the weeds"

[-] UnblinkingLycopene 6 Points 5 months ago

I would pleasantly call a yard guy to come take care of the weeds. Or I might would cheerfully go buy some roundup and spray them.

[-] Luvscoffee95 3 Points 5 months ago

I agree with alternate solutions. I know doing that would run me down for days and I wouldn’t be able to do other things, so I look for win-wins. Teenage boys will do all sorts of things for $10.

[-] Zegiknie 0 Points 5 months ago

Roundup is seriously bad for your health though. Not his fault if OP misjudged how much work it would be. OP, you chose to work hard for the reward of 'no fine' with the hope of his appreciation. If you regret the choice, next time, do it differently.

[-] rookebay 18 Points 5 months ago

I appreciate both of your comments. An update: I did it all. I worked really hard. This sounds so pretentious, but, somewhat symbolically, I just started looking at the weeds as all of the bad attitudes and hamsters that I’ve let dig roots in my brain over the years.

Truth is, if I didn’t have my man, (who really just needed to take care of himself by going to the gym), I would still be responsible for all of the weeds. And all of the unhealthy ways I’ve learned to cope. So I did my work. Then he came home, helped me finish up and made me dinner. I am exhausted after working today too. But I think my serenity actually leveled up.

Thank you guys for the truth!

[-] mado55 3 Points 5 months ago

That's such a good way to look at it! Saving your comment for future inspiration lol

[-] pearlsandstilettos 2 Points 5 months ago

+1 from me for a great attitude and handling this situation really well! Congrats on your serenity level up ;-)

[-] rookebay 2 Points 5 months ago

Thank you so much! :)

[-] RubyWooToo 1 Point 5 months ago

Think of it as getting some good exercise, too.

[-] [deleted] 5 months ago
[-] ReasonablyGoodMexica 1 Point 5 months ago

I don't usually post here, but I couldn't help but notice the last sentence. It really sounds a lot like what people try to do when they first practice meditation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7u5N2MfTNU

Don't try to force unpleasant thoughts out. You either accept them and let them go or act based on them. If you avoid them or attempt to mute them, they will only keep coming back.

[-] rookebay 2 Points 5 months ago

So true! Maybe I phrased it weird, but my goal wasn’t to force a smile or pretend I was happy, just to gain some perspective about my bad attitude. And to unravel the resentment.

As a side-note, I have been practicing meditation for years. Recently, even though sometimes I’m not sure about religion/god, praying has helped my anxiety so much. They are kind of the same concept, they both end up showing you your thoughts objectively and you let them go if you can. For me, aiming a conversation at a potential higher power just gives me more peace. Just a personal observation of mine; I think meditation is incredibly useful too!