Hi, all,
My SO started a new job recently and I’m encountering the following issues:
1) He is working very long hours and bringing study materials home to try to master this new challenge.
He explains some aspects of his work/lets me know about some of his troubles at work, and I’m worried that my response, while empathetic, is not exactly the type of encouraging/reaffirming feedback he would like from me as a man, but maybe more ‘what I would like to hear’ as a woman.
I am looking for a refresher on the type of response/encouragement a man is looking for in response to sharing his struggles at work.
2) Dealing with his reduced availability like a grown-up.
Intellectually, I recognize that this is a time when he’s probably not going to be able to give me the kind of attention I’ve been spoiled with the past few months. That being said, I still had a jealous/whiny/emotional knee-jerk reaction this past week when he wanted to decompress and play video games with me around rather than do something actively together, wanted to stay home and have a relaxing weekend, etc.
Luckily I recognized this was a great time to STFU; and upon quiet reflection obviously I recognize this is reasonable. This is like a RPW 101 issue, and I was surprised that one weekend of even SLIGHTLY less attention is all it took to summon my hamster, who has long been dormant in this area.
I am looking for a refresher on keeping myself busy enough to not depend on his attention, but simultaneously making myself available to him.
I know I’ve come across plenty of excellent readings on these topics when I didn’t actively need them, but now I think I need a refresher.
If anyone has any insights or could direct me to relevant readings, it would be much appreciated!
rookebay 5y ago
When my boyfriend started a new job a couple of years ago, I went through this adjustment as well.
I think he has been encouraged when I listen to him and ask questions. And when I tell him I am proud of him. I think it’s simple like that, he doesn’t seem to be interested in much more.
On dealing with reduced availability: There’s a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The section that speaks about men being like rubber bands and women being like waves has been a good analogy for me to think about when I don’t get as much quality time with him. I can expound if you like.
Additionally, during this time it is especially important for you to take responsibility for your own emotions and focus on balancing them in a healthy way. You simultaneously want to see him grow while experiencing his withdraw from you in order to grow. You can have both of those feelings without making it his fault. As others have suggested, focus on things that might help you grow: friends, hobbies, your own relaxation.
This too shall pass. If your aim is to be a centered, soft landing place for him to come back to, he will be thankful for your presence during a stressful part of his life and for the loving space you have given him to become a better man.
merel-- 5y ago
Also get busier. Get a few more fun hobbies, maybe get into painting or a new sport. Just distract yourself with fun stuff. But don't feel bad if you want to spend time with him, just tell him you miss him. Guys love that shit.
okayestwifey 5y ago
Second this! My husband recently started getting sent on business trips, after us never having spent a night apart, ever, for 10 years. It's hard! But the time without him is a great time to work out, try a hobby, have girlfriends over, etc. And then when he comes home, I am more interesting and refreshed to talk to.
ManguZa 5y ago
About encouragement, the best is to tell in public how you're impress & proud of how he's serious and courageous with this challenge.
When you talk with your friends or with your family and he can heard.