Hello! I (24F) am currently living in large city and have been finding myself with some more time since I broke up with my ex a few months ago. Though, I am not necessarily ready for a relationship yet, I would still like to expose myself to potential good men (for experience's sake, if anything -is this a bad idea? I feel bad about leading anyone on but at the same time, I am fairly inexperienced with men), or at the very, very least, know what to do when I am ready. Where would you recommend I go to make the most of my free time? I am basing this question off of this article, which talks about exposing oneself to meet potential mates. A numbers game, essentially.
Some background information:
- I would say I am of average build, though not where I would like to be, and am currently working on eating healthier and exercising more to be more fit.
- I try to wear skirts or dresses about 3x per week and wear makeup daily. I do my best to take care of my skin. I would say I am pretty decent looking...above average, though not drop dead gorgeous. Though, I guess living in a metropolitan area would lower my rating to just average.
- I go into the city a few times a week to pursue my hobby. I usually get home late at night. Basically, I really only have free time about 2 evening weekdays, both of which I usually use to wind down and work on my hobby, and Saturday and Sunday afternoons.
- Saturday mornings and early afternoons are dedicated to my dreams. Honestly, Saturday afternoons are the only times I have absolutely nothing else to do. So far, I have been using this time to catch up on reading in public places such as cafes and sometimes parks for about 1-3 hours. Is there a better way I could use my time? I usually leave the city to go home around 5 p.m. to eat dinner, get ready for Sunday, and relax. I was thinking perhaps using this free time for volunteering? I would appreciate other ideas!
- I am busy Sunday mornings and early afternoons are dedicated to church. Sunday afternoons and evenings are usually dedicated to winding down, chores, grocery shopping, and meal prepping. I have been open to meeting people, including men, in general at church events. I have not met anyone yet -figuring out what my problem might be. Looks? Standards?
- I live about 45 minutes door to door from the city. Moving is not an option and getting a new job (not in the city) is not an option.
Right now, I would say my hobby is more of a priority than finding someone, though I would not say finding someone is unimportant either; both are important to me. I understand that I need to give up some opportunities as a result, but given my circumstances, what can I do to maximize meeting men? I do not believe it is an all or nothing, though I do agree pursuing my dream definitely makes things more challenging. Any ideas (does not necessarily have to be limited to weekends) would be appreciated!
TL;DR: Somewhat busy life. How do I maximize the free time I have to meet more men?
Edit: It seems like flirting with guys and practicing interactions with guys when I am not ready to dive into another serious relationship is a bad idea. Thank you for that clarification.
Edit 2: Deleted some information that I thought may identify me irl. I tried to keep the post as close to the original as possible for the benefit of others who may find this post and its replies informative.
WhatIsThisAccountFor 5y ago
Too vague. You mention things about yourself but you don’t mention what actually takes up your free time.
What is your hobby? What is your dream? If those things take up all of your free time, and you’re asking how to meet men in your free time, we need to know what those things are.
davidxavierlam 5y ago
As for actually answering your question... be more social with your friend groups. Be more open to men you wouldn't regularly consider meeting 100% of your expectations. 80% of women mate with/desire 20% of the men. Ask yourself if your standards are too high from a statistical perspective.
Volunteer at random things so you get exposed to a large variety of people, bring up in casual conversation that you're looking for a good man.
Give more obvious hints to men you encounter out and about at supermarkets and such.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you for your answer! Combining my reply for your other comment into this one.
The priority point you made is something that I have been struggling with. The industry I am trying to enter highly favors the youth, but at the same time, so do men. The hobby I am trying to turn into a career is a dream that I finally had the courage to work towards in the past few years. It is so important to me. I know you cannot answer for me, but I am torn. On one hand, I am afraid that I may miss out on finding my actual happiness in pursuit of a career, but on the other, there are always the "What-ifs" of my career. At the same time, is it so unrealistic to hope for both? Perhaps lowering my standards as other have suggested may be the answer. I just don't want to "settle" into an unhappy marriage, though.
Right now, I am trying to make the best of my situation. I think in about 2 years, things will settle down a bit, and I will be less busy.
After discovering RPW, I did try lowering my expectations. I went on a few dates with men that were good men, which is how I met my ex initially. My question here is the men who I can tell are very interested in me, I am absolutely not attracted to (e.g., around the same height or was not attracted to by end of second date). I think I read attraction is non-negotiable. Would you say give them a chance anyway?
I will try the random volunteering! I was initially thinking volunteering consistently so that I get to know people at a deeper level, but your idea sounds good too!
Also, I am confused on what you mean by "obvious hints". I have been practicing making eye contact with guys I find cute on buses and smiling if I do not freeze up (My gosh, I did not realize how hard it was haha....). Do you mean something like that? Is there anything else I can be doing?
Thank you for your answer and candid feedback. I hope you don't mind the multiple follow up questions!
davidxavierlam 5y ago
I'm not telling you to settle regarding a happy marriage. I'm telling you to keep your expectations in check.
A man who works and is a good man and isnt ugly and isnt a pushover is good enough if you're not a bombshell. If you are a bombshell, you shouldnt even have issues meeting men. FYI, you're most likely to get approached by men who dont give a fuck so ask yourself if you want a men who don't give a fuck about much. Obviously, exceptions exist but be cautious and screen appropriately. Some men who cold approach just happen to be amazing guys who happen to be single and happen to be very forward, but lets be real, do high quality men really need to go out hunting actively? They usually are already locked up.
Regarding the men you aren't attracted to: Yes, give those men a chance. Your success with a good man depends on it. And again, good man does not mean pushover. TBH, if they seem bluepill, give em a shove towards red pill, bring up in conversation regarding how gender dynamics really work, not the cultural marxist version. It's not your job to fix em but might help to tell em that you're into confidence, conviction, and assertiveness.
And for the obvious hints: yes. Eye contact. Smiling. But if you really want results, do something like start a conversation. Comment on their clothes or something. What do you have to lose?
And i would say consistent volunteering is a good idea too. It helps you build stronger relationships so that people can truly give you good recommendations regarding single men but its a numbers game. If you feel the people at the volunteering thing dont know any single men or aren't single men....... dont volunteer there consistently :P
Also, go for co-ed interests or singles mingles groups like singles hiking or etc.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Oops. Just saw your comment. Thank you! That is a very good point about men approaching.
In regards to "[shoving them] towards red pill," would something simple like, "I like that your confidence" or "I like how easily you can do X, Y, Z" be sufficient?
I'll play the volunteering thing by ear then. Thanks! & the singles hiking sounds like a really fun idea. I'll check out a local meetup group! Thank you for the practical tips!
davidxavierlam 5y ago
For example, my brother in law is hard working, superb father but holy shit hes a pushover. Not because he's a bitch but because he tries to be quiet and keep the peace and lets my sister act like a rabid hyena, probably because that's what society taught him is a "good man".
Most men today are fed this blue pill bullshit.
davidxavierlam 5y ago
"I'm looking for more traditional roles in a man and woman relationship, these are some good speakers (jordan peterson, rollo) etc etc. "
you're welcome.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Wow. Didn't think it should be that straightforward. Interesting!
& I'll check out those speakers. Thanks again!
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
One thing that can help you secure a good man is making sure that when you meet him you are actually able to attract him to you and get commitment out of him.
What makes you worthy of a good man exactly? What attributes of yours would you use to attract and keep the right man if he were to enter your life tomorrow?
Also is there a particular reason you, at the age of 24, aren't seeking commitment? Being open to long term commitment could help put you in the right mindset to find what you are looking for. If you aren't actually working towards commitment and still looking to "ride the cock carasol," are you truly prepared to woo the right man if he were to present himself?
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Hm...that is a good question! I would say I am a good person and a good listener. I look for the good things in people and try to actively compliment them and make them feel comfortable. To attract men, I would say my legs are pretty nice as is my smile! I have been told I am sweet and think I generally make a good first impression. That said, there are certainly areas I could also improve on physically and personality-wise!
I got out of my first relationship about three months ago. I thought I was ready to get back into a relationship around a month ago and signed up for online dating apps again. I don't know....it just didn't feel right right now. I don't think I'm ready. Right now, I think I want to expose myself to men more, practice flirting, and improve on myself. I have never ridden the "cock carousel" and do not plan to.
Thank you for your response!
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
Oh you have never had sex outside of a long term relationship? Good for you!
What you described for yourself are things that pretty much every woman has.
A nice smile. Being reasonably pretty. Having a good personality. If these are what you have to offer a man you may find it difficult to stand out.
What sets you apart from other women? Lets say you find a man that you believe is high value. What's going to set you apart from all the other girls that are pretty, have a nice smile, and think they have a "good personality?"
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Combining responses! Gosh. Wake up call...I knew 24 was close, but hearing it from someone else is like, "Bam!"
Hm...in 20 years, I would love to have several children, be married happily, and be successful in my career and have the ability to work part-time. Someone who makes enough so that I can be a STAHM if for the first half of our children's lives without needing to worry about money....I'm guessing at least $500k then (gosh...that's a lot of money...)? I would say may top 6 criteria are: (1) be social (2) kind (3) humble (4) street smart/witty/clever (5) hard working (6) at least 5'8". If possible, I would like to meet someone of the same faith, but not a deal breaker if he is not.
I am saving myself for marriage, which I feel is more of a mark against me than for me in today's dating scene. As for your question on what sets me apart from other similar girls...I have no idea...like you said, I don't think anything does now that I think about it. =/ If anything is "unique" I would probably say the fact that I have a nonexistent n-count, but like I mentioned, I'm not sure if that's exactly "good." Not exactly something I want to wave in their face either. Is there anything I can do to improve/cultivate a uniqueness? After hearing from some of the other people who replied, I am thinking of staying completely out of the dating scene for a bit longer and continue working on the following until I am comfortable dating again (hopefully sooner than later):
Not sure if this is enough to make me stand out, though. Those seem like the least/the basics of what I can do to even put myself in the league to compete with other women in the metropolitan area competing for a good man.
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
Ah so you essentially want it all. A career, a family, to be a good mother and be a good wife.
I'll let you know that it is an uphill battle. Not something that is unattainable, but definitely difficult. Not only because of what you want, but because of your standards as well. Having a man that makes a lot of money while also being handsome. I've seen your comments and it seems like you want a high paid man. You wouldn't want a driven man who only works as a manager of Mcdonalds. You'd probably want someone who makes at least as much money as you do in your high powered career, but also someone who would be ok with not coming home to you because you may be too busy with your career. He'd have to be ok with coming home to an empty house, or coming home to the nanny.
Not impossible. At least we know what you want. Now the best way to get there. You want to omptimize your chances of finding this man. He is the key to this. If you wait until you are 30 to feel "ready" to really settle down, not only will your relationship and sexual value have diminished relative to younger women, but you likely would have spent so much time pushing for a career you'd have learn very little skills on how to be a good mother and wife. Anyone can be a mother, anyone can be a wife. It takes someone special to be good at it. There is a reason so many relationships end in divorce and so many marriages are considered "unhappy."
If you were asking my opinion, and I think you are, I'd say your top priority should be self improvement. Continue to pursue your career but really also put time into improving yourself AND hunting for a good man. Someone mentioned volunteering, that' a great idea. Do that, start to work out, work on your temperament and femininity.
These things sound simple but they really aren't, it takes dedication. But since you are essentially starting so late and honestly, kind of don't even know what you want, it may help to actually really work at it. The last thing you want is to be single at 30, or maybe a single mother. Having that high paid career but being lonely because no man you consider quality, is willing to settle down with you.
One thing that might help is to think about what your dream man would want out of his dream wife. What would he want out of his wife to keep him happy? You've named things you want out of your man, you clearly have a picture. That's great! What does your man want? Does he just want a woman to smile at him, and be pretty, and laugh at his jokes? Does he want a generic woman that literally anyone can be?
Also I'd say get it out of your head right now that you having a high powered career will make you more attractive to your man. This may be controversial, but in my opinion, it doesn't. Having money doesn't add to your value as much as you may think. Watch the Steve Harvey show to realize that. There are an epidemic of successful, single, lonely women in there 30's and 40's with high powered careers. Hopefully you won't become that.
So think of what your man would want. Write it down if you have to. Now how are you going to practice being that type of woman?
Also you will need to be honest with your man. You aren't going to be a house wife. That's clear. You are going to be a career woman at heart. It's your dream. You need to make that clear to your man. If he is high value he may have expectations that you both may need to be upfront about and compromise on. Or you need to make sure you find a man who is ok with the fact that you may not actually be raising his children full time. A nanny will. Or if you are raising the children full time, you won't be full time available for him and the kids because of your career or part time job. There are plenty of men who will be ok with that, you just need to be open about it.
davidxavierlam 5y ago
Wow, young lady. Take a look at the financial statistics for our generation...... 500k is hollywood tier.
See my other post regarding expectations.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Oh, I'm not looking for someone who makes $500k literally....that would be pretty unrealistic. It's more of a "it would be nice if I could have that in the future" wish/daydream, which is what I thought she meant? Same with the SAHM and working part time. Those would be very nice to have and would be a dream come true and in order for that dream to come true, I am saying the guy would probably need to make at least $500k. I realize that I will most likely have to work full time in order to help contribute to the family income, which I don't mind.
As long as the guy has some sort of ambition/plan for his future and works hard to achieve that goal, I would be happy. I would rather be with someone who has a goal in mind and works hard towards it making less than the average income rather than someone who makes 6 figures who doesn't.
davidxavierlam 5y ago
good.
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
I know I'm writing a lot but I want to be as helpful as possible. I was thinking about telling you a little about myself to give you a picture of how I got what I wanted.
I always knew what I wanted. I wanted to be my grandmother. I was raised by my grandparents for...reasons. They are old school traditionalists. Devout Christians. Been married over 40 years. Highschool sweethearts. They are the happiest, stablest people I've known. My Grammy is the typical housewife, my grandfather always worked until he retired. Grammy always kept a clean house, had food on the table, raised the kids. My grandfather worked.
I wanted to be my grammy and get a man like my grandfather, so I learned from her. I learned to cook, clean, follow in her footsteps. When I found theredpill I learned even more. I secured a high quality man because I offered exactly what he was looking for. He had kids before I entered the picture and I took well into a motherly position.
I know how to keep my Captain happy because I know what kept my grandfather happy. I knew from an early age exactly the life I wanted to live and I did what I needed to do to make it happen.
You can do the same. Imagine the life you want to live. Imagine everything you need to do to not only make that life happen, but also make sure you maintain that life. It was easy for me because I was raised by a perfect model of what I wanted. Unless you were raised by high powered career parents than you might not actually know what it takes to make that lifestyle happen simply because you haven't thought enough about it and haven't lived a part of it.
That's where the hard work comes in. Visualize everything that would be necessary to live your dream life and work tirelessly to achieve it. Because your life will be so hard to achieve you need to visualize even more and work even harder. If you want to have it all, which you clearly do, you have tot be prepared to work. It won't come easy and if you think it will come easy you'll be single and alone, finding man to have sex with you but none of quality to commit. You wouldn't be the first and you wouldn't be the last.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you! I PMed you. I hope you don't mind!
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
I don't mind at all! My pleasure.
tuyguy 5y ago
What's your hobby?
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
I am sorry, but I do not want to share my hobby as it could possibly expose me to people I know in real life. I hope you understand!
chief-w 5y ago
Yes, social hobbies do wanders.
davidxavierlam 5y ago
Dont take this offensively:
When you're 55, alone, and childless, will you be proud of your life?
Now reassess your priorities and how you spend your time.
Afterwards, when you have more time, find ways to meet good men that can meet some of the values you desire in a man.
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CrazyHorseInvincible 5y ago
Oops. Forgot to ban you from here as well.
Fixed now.
KittenLoves_ 5y ago
I have no experience with match.com, so maybe it is better quality than most others (because of the payment), but a willingness to pay for an online dating site does not necessarily make a man high value! It may just mean he is desperate, for whatever reason. OP should be aware that not everyone on a paying site is going to be high value, and some may just be there because they think that by paying they'll get more results where normally they would get none.
That being said, I do agree that online dating is a good way to go about it.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you for your answer! I saw some comments on this forum about online dating not being a good way to meet good men, but I will try again when I am ready.
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
I definitely think Online dating is a good place to start as well. A man that pays can be desperate. He could also just be actively looking as well. There are a lot of quality men out there that many women pass up because they aren't 10's, or don't make as much money as them, or 6 feet tall. It's at least something to consider.
Casting a wider net may be good to start and then as you adjust your expectations slowly cast a smaller and smaller net. Being realistic with your expectations and what you deserve is very important. Make sure you are a quality woman. If you identify a man that meets your standards odds are other woman have as well. You will be competing with them. Standing out helps. This is where self improvement comes in. It's not just about what you are working on, it's who you are now. Work on standing out as you search.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you! I did try online dating about a month ago, and it just didn't feel right at the time. I wanted to wait a few more months before trying again. Do you think this is just a phase I need to get over? I figured it was due to the fact that I may not be completely over the break up (not that I want to get back together with my ex though). I just don't think I can go on a date without feeling...down? Not sure how to put it into words. When I do start again, I will cast a wider net at first as you recommended. Thank you again!
LittleMissAfrodite 5y ago
It is a phase that will pass. If you need help getting over an ex I can only suggest speaking to a close friend or relative or a therapist. Remind yourself why it didn't work out in the first place.
At 24 you are fast approaching the wall. Right now you are at your prime market value. That will only deminish with time. If you ever plan to have kids then you owe it to yourself to secure a good man early. You will have must less options as you get older. Not only will your market value you down, but your fertility will also deminish.
Where do you see yourself in 20 years? Where do you want to be? Do you have children? What kind of man are you with? How much money does he make?
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Abara4 5y ago
Where/how do you workout? And what is your hobby?
You can find a sport that exposes you to new people.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you for your response! I do not want to reveal my hobby as people I know in real life may identify me. I try to work out 3x/week (usually for about 1-1.5 hours). I have been lifting weights and have been trying to follow Strong Curves.
Abara4 5y ago
Then a sport like badminton, natation, indoors rock-climbing stuff like that could give you an opportunity to meet more people while still having a full workout.
Especially if you lift weights at home (some people I know do).
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Someone mentioned hiking before, and rock climbing seems like a good idea as well! I tried rock climbing before, and it was fun (in addition to being quite a workout). I'll give it another go! Thank you for the suggestions!
WarViper1337 5y ago
So you admit you just want to use some guys as "experience". I hope your upfront with them about this at the very least.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
I am open to going further if things really work out, but essentially yes. I don’t think I can improve in flirting or interacting with guys if I don’t practice in real life with them.
girlwithabike 5y ago
This is just dating. Not every date will result in a lifetime commitment nor should either partner expect that from date number 1. Going out and meeting people teaches you what you want in a partner ie: experience.
WarViper1337 5y ago
I understand that. I'm just saying if someone is dating just for the sake of dating then they should make those intentions clear to the other person who may be seeking something serious. This person admits to wanting to lead men on just to gain experience.
girlwithabike 5y ago
I'd argue that it's no more leading men on than it is when a guy dates a girl for a period before deciding if he can commit to her. If he takes her out (& sleeps with her) and then decides that she just doesn't add enough value to his life - was he leading her on?
Since women gatekeep sex, it is the responsibility of men to be enticing enough for her to desire him. Presumably if a man is appealing, she'd continue seeing him to see where it leads. It's his job to be appealing. If it continues and she desires commitment, then it's her job to add enough value to make him want to commit.
A handful of dates before deciding to keep going or move on is not dishonest. I'd not advise her to lie or drag things out too long, I simply don't see the "oh those poor men you are using" attitude that your initial comment implies.
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Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
I could be humble bragging, but I do want to hear other ways to better use my time, hence the detailed post. My way of making time for what I value is through exercising, taking care of my skin, and wearing makeup. I could certainly be doing more, but I would not dismiss what I am doing now completely. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts!
CalvinRichland 5y ago
I think your problem is not actually time. Your problem is that you have no clue what you want.
Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Could be. I know I want to pursue this dream and am spending a lot of resources on chasing it. I know I want to get married. What kind of guy I want, I am not too sure yet. Whether I want to date right now? Mixed feelings. Based on my last attempt in trying to date, I felt I wasn’t ready, but at the same time, I want to date? You could very well be right. Could you please elaborate?
Edit: I have an idea of what kind of qualities I want in a man. However, considering I don’t have the largest background in dating, I’m not sure if that is actually what I want. I mean, what I thought I wanted changed after dating my ex so I am assuming the same thing will continue to happen?
Edit 2: Also, the fact that I feel I am short on time does not change, and the initial purpose of this post does not change. I would still appreciate advice on how I can maximize my free time, but I am interested in hearing your opinion on how time is not the problem as is my confusion on what I want.
CalvinRichland 5y ago
If you aren't sure if you want to date do the poor sucker that falls for you a favor and just don't.
You sound like you need help from a good therapist. Spend your free time there instead. Honestly and i say this only to be helpful you are a fucking mess.
Smart guys like me will run fast and far from you. You will meet some weak fool that tolerates your shit because you are hot, or maybe some guy to fuck and run. You won't have a quality relationship until you get your emotional shit straightened out.
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Lemon-Blossoms 5y ago
Thank you for taking the time to answer honestly. I’ll take your words into consideration.