Instead of putting yourself under such strict guidelines to be a certain way, think about what would actually make you *feel* happy. Do you like working hard at your job? Because that's a great thing. It means you're passionate and have a great work ethic. If work is stressing you out, there is almost definitely something you can scale back on. Maybe your diet is too restrictive, maybe you could rethink fitness (fewer session, try to be more active in every day life, different type of workout). Are you saying yes to things you don't want to do? Do you enjoy wearing the clothes you have? Don't fall into the trap of living for somebody else. You shouldn't worry about whether people will think you're a certain way. My guess is that, if you take this much care, you are probably not any of the things you think you are. My guess is that you are just getting overwhelmed and losing your way.

It's easy to be feminine and in your element when you make a joy of what you do. Don't worry as much about what others are going to think, because most of the time those opinions are half baked and based on first glance. If you like posh clothes, wear them-- be an incredibly kind, down to earth person who loves posh style. If you have to work hard in your career, do that and feel pride in your dedication. Let yourself relax, and your wit, your generosity, your freeness will come out on their own.

I think you should take a week or two to just go blank. Try to be totally neutral, don't go out of your way to be *anything*. Don't correct yourself. Just *be*. You need some time to recalibrate and shed some of the preoccupations you have. In the end, a lot of this does not matter. You aren't here to entertain anyone, or to be something to anybody. If you're in a relationship, or if you're using RPW to get ahead at work, that's really where things matter. There is a happy medium between control freak and being passive, and it is easy to get there when you know what your boundaries are and what you want. Make a list if you can, of things that have made you feel like a doormat lately. Of situations where you felt like you felt like you couldn't release control. See what those things actually are and if they make sense. See where they fall in terms of your actual boundaries and beliefs.

As I was reading your story I wondered if you had an emotionally abusive mother and it turns out I was right. I did too. I went no contact with my family two years ago. While my life has drastically improved (thanks RBN) I'm still working through some issues, specifically perfectionism.

No matter matter how much I try to improve I'm never really happy. My mind has a constant inner monologue thinking people are judging me. It doesn't help being a quiet introvert, so I always feel like I am awkward and people don't like me (even though many people tell me I'm fun to be around). Even though I appreciate RPW, it has led me to believe men don't approach me because I am unattractive (even though I take care of myself) or too old (turning 28 next month). It makes me not even want to put myself out there.

Even now, I'm putting myself down for ranting too much. I'm trying to do more things that I want to do, like taking a vacation or a spa day. Perfectionists feel like they don't deserve nice things. Treat yourself! You have obviously worked very hard. If you slip up and eat pizza, accept it. It's fine. Really. That's what I try to tell myself. Like another commenter said, you're less likely to slip up if you don't treat mistakes like a big deal.

Take comfort in knowing you aren't alone <3

This is the kind of thing that therapy helps with. My wife had the same issue - she constantly moves the goal posts for her achievements as she pursues them, so nothing she does is ever good enough... for her. Even though she meets the requirements she set herself when starting out. Even though she meets or excels everybody around her.

Therapy. It helps.

Alternately, write down your goals/standards prior to pursuing them (and so you can't change them. Use ink or something). Validate that they're reasonable with somebody whose judgment you trust. And then achieve them. STICK TO THEM. When you achieve them (and I have no doubt you will), then celebrate. Yes, celebrate. You MUST reward yourself for meeting them. Only THEN are you allowed to set new goals.

Rinse-repeat.

I actually went through a huge fall through of confidence and self respect earlier this month, just from multiple obstacles in life piling up at once, and became depressed. I acknowledged how I was feeling, which took me a few days because when I’m focused on my goal I don’t think to look in the mirror and see my expression.

After several days of freaking out over my inability to be good enough at taking care of myself, I had a repeated epiphany of “what we give our attention to, we grow”. And that’s really my key for pulling myself out of being hard on myself.I just think about what I want. With no opinion on me or what I’m doing, or did today. I just try to feel good about my desires, and feel inspired. And then the next day is new and I feel good about doing what is good for me, so I do more than what I did on the days where I would fret over not.

By fixating on what I’m doing wrong, I’m lowering my own confidence, which makes me not energized to do what I know I should be doing, and in a circle it goes on. But really, every morning can be looked at as a fresh start. The way we feel effects what we do. And the way we think affects our feelings. Just focus on what you want, and start to feel good about it. And then you’ll find yourself moving toward it instead of picking at yourself. I hope this little food for thought is as helpful for you as it was for me :)

I'm the same. We're perfectionists. Or rather, we have very high standards for ourselves. We demand the best of us, to the point where we put a lot of pressure in all aspects of our lives.

Be kind to yourself. That's what I tell myself. Be kind. I used to punish myself mentally if I didn't work on my studies all day. Now I tell myself ''it's okay. You were tired/not feeling it/whatever else. It happens. Take the time you need and get back to it when you're ready''

Or if I ate some chocolate or candy I'd punish myself for it again. Now it's ''it's alright. You had cravings for sweets. Now you got what you wanted so you can get back on track.''

Human psychology is fascinating in the sense that when we allow ourselves to make mistakes or to not be perfect all the time, we end up making less mistakes or performing better.

My advice to you would be that anytime you catch yourself speaking negatively about yourself, try to stop it and accept yourself for what you are instead. Really take a moment in your head to go through it. ''I felt boring in this conversation. It's alright. Not every conversation will be awesome. I didn't know what to say. It happens. Maybe next time I can talk to them about what I did this weekend, or that thing I'm looking forward to, etc.''

Life becomes so much easier when you're easy on yourself.

Hope this helped!

Read, “Daring Greatly “ by Rene Brown. I haven’t read the book, “the gift of imperfection “ but I heard that’s a good one too. I struggle with the same feeling and being gentler with yourself in terms of the way you speak to yourself is really important.

I'm new to TRP but I recognize the same behaviors/wants in myself. Can I say your problem right now at this point seems to be that you don't do enough of what you want. It seems like you're constantly crafting a story/new goal for yourself so you'll never get there. I understand you want to be a better woman and person in general but maybe every once in a while you should follow your first instinct rather than doing what is correct. Wasn't this trait sort of covered in Fascinating Womanhood too? The ability to be childlike, I assume part of it is not caring so much about what the other person wants but succumbing to your personal whims. It's kinda boring, being entirely perfect. Be yourself :) the fact that you want to be better everyday and are working towards it is already proof you are good enough. Not everyone thinks or cares about being a better person.

Maybe because the requirements you're trying to fulfill are people's requirements. This is impossible to do so you'll never be satisfied. Try to focus on what has been proven to work then patiently wait for results.

For example if people know that you participate in this forum you will come off as many horrible things, but doing that benefits you (hopefully) which is what's important.

Take being hardworking/lazy for another example. Try making your objective doing x amount of work and y amount of fun because you know that's the optimum setting for your health and well-being. This is an achievable and not so vague object and you should stop being exceedingly hard on yourself once you achieve it and feel satisfied. Unlike doing it to comply with what people think (to not come off to people as unfunny or lazy) because that's unachievable and - if you ask me - quite misleading.

If people don't like your healthy habits, they are not the people you want to impress.

I suggest you actively remind yourself of what you accomplished. For every minute thinking you’re not good enough, spend a minute thinking about what you did well. That’s step one.

Step two is to break out of being a perfectionist all the time. You don’t need to do things to be loved. Love is not earned. You need to be your happy self. When going out, you’re giving a gift to the people who see your beauty. Be kind to yourself. Value yourself. Be happy. Remind yourself to be happy, tell yourself you’re happy, think of the little things. “I’m happy because I had coffee. I’m happy because I enjoy the sun.“ Work on your inner monologue.