How to communicate needs and problems to her Captain without undermining his leadership or damaging his authority is an ongoing challenge for women maintaining a submissive or First Mate role in their relationships. Many are stuck in a pattern of thinking there's a simple continuum between passive and aggressive, which suggests the only direction for improvement is toward passiveness. This raises certain questions: How to maintain a subordinant position without losing one's identity entirely; and How are you supposed to maintain a household, family, and 50-year marriage in all of their intricate detail yet wait for your partner to bring up every detail and initiate every discussion? The solution lies in a new dimension: Assertiveness.

Assertiveness means standing for and expressing your own needs and position, WHILE being aware and respectful of the other person's needs, position, and authority.

A widely misunderstood concept. Many people, women in particular, are wary of the concept of assertiveness, largely because it becomes conflated with aggression. Some of the early champions of the idea in the early 70s earned a poor reputation by recommending techniques that amounted to passive aggression, active aggression, or were just downright annoying; the Broken Record Technique comes to mind. The concept of Assertiveness has become refined over the decades, and can have a positive effect on all relationships in our lives. Assertiveness isn't automatically masculinizing or authoritative; nor does it mean affecting an annoying salesperson-like persona.

Assertiveness by any other name... Assertiveness is one of the skills Laura Doyle teaches in her books about turning around marriages harmed by aggressive women. It's one of the bullet points on the back cover of The Surrendered Wife, though many of her fans bristle at the name, and both Laura and her Husband were unfamiliar with the word assertive when I brought it up during their AMAs, proving even its proponents and beneficiaries often don't fully understand the concept. It's almost like an orphan life skill; many of us pick up elements as we go, and we can all benefit from it, but it's seldom formally taught or understood.

A recent insight I had into the nature of assertiveness

You're probably familiar with the idea that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Indifference is in a different, cooler plane than the heated polar opposites of love and hate, and is thus opposite of both.

Love <------------> Hate
    \              /
     \            /
      Indifference

I realized that in a very similar manner, the opposite of aggression isn't passivity; the opposite of both passive AND aggressive is ASSERTIVE.

        Assertive
       /         \
      /           \
 Passive <-----> Aggressive

Because it works both upward and downward in a hierarchy, and usually satisfies all parties, it's as though assertiveness exists in a higher plane than aggression and passivity.

How does assertiveness work? A functional subordinant or First Mate role frequently requires facts to be proactively brought to the Captain's attention, but this can always be done in a manner that respects his authority. When a Captain addresses his subordinates with assertiveness instead of aggression, it can actually increase their respect and loyalty over purely authoritarian methods. Assertiveness can be used by both parties while maintaining a hierarchy of roles. This is because assertiveness means expressing your own needs, while understanding and respecting the position of the other party. It seeks win-win outcomes, and by its very nature takes away the root cause of most conflicts, clashes, and power struggles, for it leads to interpersonal transactions with outcomes that both parties desire and work toward.

Why do I need to learn assertiveness? Passivity has its place in attraction, initial boundary establishment, certain defined roles (Boss/employee, parent/child, Dom/sub), and average or baseline behavior on an ongoing basis as a long-term first mate. However, in more developed, therefore complicated relationships, where a great deal of day-to-day concern is delegated by the Captain to his First Mate, pure passivity becomes a hinderance to a smooth-running hierarchy of power. It might frustrate and anger the same Captain in some contexts while it attracts and pleases him in others.

For example, if the Captain has delegated school planning and preparation for the kids, it means he trusts his first mate's judgement and performance at the task and doesn't want to have to think about it. Being entirely passive and deferring every little decision to him anyhow brings the process to a halt, and brings whatever he was doing to a halt as well- not helpful! Deciding on the best color scheme of clothes (for example) and telling your Captain, "The kids look better in blue so that's the wardrobe we bought." is aggressive. An assertive alternative would be, "Out of every color scheme we tried, Blue looked best and Brown a close second, but we need you to make the final decision; here look at the two."

This is functional, streamlined, the First Mate has much involvement in the final choices, and the Captain still maintains his ultimate authority without being burdened by details he's delegated.

Examples of different approaches to situations

Situation Passive Passive-aggressive Aggressive Assertive
Towels left on bathroom floor Says nothing, internalizes the problem with depression, psychosomatic ailments 1 complains more loudly about something different, 2 lays damp towel over his gym bag You're such a slob! Always leaving towels on the floor!" Could you please put your towels in the hamper instead of the floor? <Makes sure hamper is available>
Husband stays out later & later Same as above 1 Same 2 "I'm going to start going out late too..." You're always going out late! You have to stop! I'm having X problem when you stay out so late, can we talk about it some time?
Driving fast for the conditions Same as above, presses imaginary brake pedal ever harder Loud sighs, conspicuously grabbing handles You MANIAC! Next time, I'm driving! This is making me really nervous, can we drive slower till it clears please?
Woman cuts in line Rolls eyes, makes scolding noises to nobody in particular Hides two of her groceries in the magazine rack when she isn't looking I was here first, bitch! <pushes cart ahead of her roughly> Excuse me, the line forms back here, perhaps you didn't notice...
Driver missed the exit Oblique references if any: It's sure taking a long time... Deliberately ignores situation till they're two states past You idiot! You missed the exit, now we're REALLY late thanks to you! I'm pretty sure we missed our exit, Dear; we can turn around easily at the next one.
Husband's hair is sticking out funny <Make brushing gestures on own hair> Ignore it, let him embarass himself God you look like a homeless person! You'd be lost without me watching out for you! Sweetie, you should look at your hair before you go out.

Assertiveness is a form of communication that transcends the passive-aggressive dynamic and is compatible with long-lasting Captain-First Mate relationships.

Assertiveness is poorly understood, but is a valuable concept for women seeking healthy, harmonious long-term relationships in life and a system for communicting within a balanced, respectful power structure.

If your problem is your MAN is not assertive enough in areas of his life, check out the complement to this article on TRP, Assertiveness for MEN.