I realized that the more I fail (whether it's with women or in general activities) the more I become cautious towards taking action.
I remember a few years ago when I was a kid and failure didn't exist in my mind.
I just acted.
Now in these years I've become so analytical that I focus on the cons of things, and never the pros.
Probably because my brain has learned to protect my ego based on past "negative" experiences, which nevertheless have always yielded a good lesson to learn from.
How the fuck do I fix myself?
One thing I thought about doing is to recognize those thought patterns that make me "stop" from taking any action. And just do it. Basically repressing that thought and acting.
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WalterBlackPC 5y ago
Might be a hormonal imbalance (High E) causing you to literally overthink shit and worry when you should be laughing your ass off and dissing yourself. PM me if you want to know more.
BurntYams 5y ago
You fix it by reviewing what happened, figuring out why you failed, and readjusted accordingly for the next time you approach/whatever activity you take part in. You only fail if you don’t learn from your mistakes. Just don’t let your mistakes prevent you from trying again.
lifeisweirdasfuck 5y ago
That's my problem. Although I realize most of the painful events I faced are what actually made me improve, those negative experiences somehow made me more cautious.
I guess the solution is to frame "failure" as something that does not exist and is all in my mind.
resnine 5y ago
Make small failures if possible, the bigger the failures the harder it may hit. It's all psychological. I know it gets said a lot here but working on your frame is honestly one of the greatest lines of advice I've been given. Frame encompasses a lot of your experience and is front and center to how many perceive you. You won't care much about failure when your frame is impervious.
AWorseManThanYou 5y ago
Men with strong frame let failure be a minor tick. Learn from it, but it doesn’t affect your ego.
lifeisweirdasfuck 5y ago
Yeah frame is the foundation to everything. But how do you strengthen your frame? I’ve been improving myself for 3-4 years yet my frame isn’t THAT strong.
AWorseManThanYou 5y ago
You’ve been improving yourself but neglecting your frame. Frame is everything, but your improvements are supposed to provide you with a base for your frame. They are not themselves frame.
Frame doesn’t come from any improvements or victories. Frame is an independent strength.
Fat bald men can have incredible frame. I learned frame from a man 5’ 9” man with beady eyes, a pot belly. He pulled insanely and I modeled my own confidence off of his.
Frame is “confidence.” It is feeling surety in the face of failure. It is true outcome independence. When you get big, you feel less intimidated. This is lack of intimidation is frame. But it’s the attitude. You can be the smallest guy in the room, but project confidence and DNGAF.
Ok. So what can YOU do to improve your frame?
I’m going to use you as my guinea pig as I test how to teach frame.
Are you game? If so, let’s start. I will begin by teaching you body language to signal and exude frame. You will try my suggestions and report back.
Let me know if you want to do this.
lifeisweirdasfuck 5y ago
Good points. My body language is on point. All I miss is frame when approaching. I fear failure on the approaching part but for the rest my frame is strong.
AWorseManThanYou 5y ago
Ok. Body language:
Always be the most relaxed in the room. Lean on things. Don’t try to fake it unless you have to but try to relax in all situations. You are confident, why wouldn’t you be relaxed?
When you laugh, don’t be afraid to laugh the loudest. Your opinion is the opinion that matters.
Adding on to this, respect your compliments. Because you opinion is the only one that matters, get comfortable complimenting people. You should aim to build people up. You are at the top so your compliments pull them up.
Do you see a theme here?
FereallyRed 5y ago
You never lose, you win or you learn.
You mind is set wrong.
Failure is inevitable and acceptable.
What's unacceptable is not learning from those failures.
"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
lifeisweirdasfuck 5y ago
Thank you.
I guess the solution is then changing how I see failure?
Cause if we think about it, failure is just how we label an event. Indeed, failure is just a label that brings negativity with it.
I should train my mind to think in terms of the possible positive outcomes and not the negatives.
My idea is to get my brain to frame failure not as a negative event, but as part of the process, something inevitable, like you said.
The problem is that I don't know how to ingrain this deep into my subconscious.
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thrwy75479 5y ago
Learn to enjoy the process, rather than dwell on the outcome.
Instead of thinking, "I'm going to get 3 numbers today", think, "I'm going to do 10 approaches today".
Then, make notes on what happened as objectively as possible. When you get bored of approaching the same way, make some small changes, and repeat. You're not trying to get more numbers, you just want to do different approaches.
What you'll need are positive reference experiences, and these don't have to be something big. For instance, it could be getting the girl to smile, or just having good eye contact with her, or initiating physical contact with a handshake, etc.
So, just because you didn't get the number, you still got the smile, eye contact, and touch. And, if you did get the number, then it's not like you hit the jackpot, it was just another positive reference experience grouped with the other things. The idea is to keep perspective, and don't magnify it as something greater than it actually is.
After a while, you'll begin to see patterns, social cues indicating whether a girl is interested or not, which can be in her voice, eyes, facial expressions, body language, etc. The more you do it, the better you'll become at noticing these things, and you can proceed from there.
Note that this can be applied to anything by breaking things down, and focusing on the smaller components rather than a singular outcome. Remember, there is no failure or success, there is only doing and not doing.
transitive1021 5y ago
Thomas Edison “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
Each "failure" is a success if you learn from it.
lifeisweirdasfuck 5y ago
I should print this quote on my arm
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RedKnightTime 5y ago
Fail faster.
alpha-zach 5y ago
This can work but only short term.
You need positive feedback loops.
resnine 5y ago
It's called catastrophizing. You can't live your life in fear or you won't live your life at all.