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- Hide Preview | 7 Comments | submitted 5 months ago by WinningLosing [Post Locked]

Hey All,

Last week, I made the post: "Did I end it too early?" - can't link else would.

TLDR: I hard nexted a girl because she wants to go on a school exchange program in the fall. She wanted to keep trying, I said no. I was very final in my no. I realize that I want to stay with her up until that point because shes the first girl in a while (after 10+ plates in past 9 months) that is good LTR material.

Listening to the advice, I have not contacted her at all. Nor has she (it has now been a week). Normally, I would move on and keep going. However, I went clubbing this weekend, 3 days after breaking up with her, and had a blast with my buddies. My one buddy took a video of me dancing with some girls for social media. The ex in question saw it.

So, coupling me breaking up with her (in a very stoic way), me not reaching out at all, and then the dancing video at the club - is this too much dread? That is, have I indicated too strongly (as I indeed want her back) that I am done with her and don't want her back. If the positions were reversed, I definitely would think so.

My question is then, I want to reach out to her, and LTR her till she leaves for her exchange. I think I over-dreaded her and that is why she isn't reaching out. How do I reinstate the relationship while maintaining frame?

Thanks in advance!

[-] caius100 8 Points 5 months ago

You cannot go over your own words without losing frame. You are literally agreeing to her terms and conditions. Complete suicide. Tried it. Don't recommend it to anyone. Fuck her from time to time? Maybe. But the ltr is gone. And yes, she's 99% gonna cheat on you in that exchange. Start building up your plate list

[-] WinningLosing 1 Point 5 months ago

She wants to do LDR when she goes away. I will never do LDR. So not her terms.

Im just agreeing to having fun dating for (up to) next 4-5 months. You don't feel theres anyway to not lose frame?

Even if I do lose a bit of frame, my frame is solid in most all other regards - it should be fine no?

[-] caius100 3 Points 5 months ago

It sounds as if you are developing oneitis after her not acting like a puppy and begging you back. Dont fall into this trap, please. Own your shit. You said you are done, then you are fucking done. Most you can do is treat her as a plate and fuck her when you wanna. That happens only if you fucked her really good. Otherwise, hard next buddy. Water under the bridge

[-] WinningLosing 1 Point 5 months ago

Hmm - I am definitely surprised she is not begging for me back.

Thing is, I don't want to be done, so why should I?

That all being said, I appreciate your advice and time.

Any other thoughts people?

[-] caius100 4 Points 5 months ago

You want her back because your ego got hurt and you feel the need to prove her that you still are the man. Leave the bitch alone ffs, total lack of abundance.

[-] WinningLosing 5 Points 5 months ago

Fuck. I don’t want to hear that but you are right, I know it.

Thanks man.

[-] monsieurhire2 3 Points 5 months ago

One of the traps people fall into, especially people of above average intelligence is thinking that because they have influenced or controlled some outcomes in the past, they can control EVERY outcome AT WILL.

No matter what you say or do, you can never completely guarantee how someone will react to what you say or do. NEVER.

What does that mean?

It means that it is impossible to know what the actual consequences of your actions are. It is impossible to know if you will ever get her back to where you want her. Life is inherently risky. You gambled. You are always gambling. The only variances comes with how much information you have, or think you have.

So, in this case, it seems as though, while you say you "just want to have fun dating," you also seem to have emotionally invested. Maybe it's because now you are missing her and want "what you can't have," which is the fresh purity of unknown potential that existed before you learned she was going to go overseas.

People say that when women travel, they do it to sportfuck. Well, some do, but I'm sure others don't. It's impossible to know with 100% certainty. You could have said let's do the LDR, and have her go on the trip, then you both could have fooled around on the sly, kept it a secret, then got back together and never said a word, and MAYBE ridden off into the sunset together.... at least for awhile. But instead, you wanted her to not go, but then somehow, you would still have the same level of respect for, AND have her not resent you, and thus have everything be the same as before, OR have her go, but somehow magically act in a way that would completely convince you that she wasn't fooling around on you. I mean, I guess she could have sent you hourly progress reports? Anything can be faked, and people who want to cheat will find a way to cheat. Just imagine her talking to you on the phone in a relaxed tone while some dude is plowing her. Or she's doing a face-chat, but outside of the frame, a dude is plowing her. You want more "guarantees?" Fine, she'll schedule the plowing for as soon as she gets off the phone, or when she knows you are asleep, or at work, or at school, or at a social event. I guess you could schedule a surprise audit, or hire a private detective, but that's very expensive. Also, someone who is super paranoid could even obfuscate their tracks even more. Then you have all the legal issues surrounding invasion of privacy, and then all the possibilities of taking innocent actions out of context.

So anyway, my advice, is, like the other guys are saying, restock your plate pile, and assume a pose of outcome independence. If you two are "meant to be together," meaning, if you both can overlook each other's flaws and conflicts in goals, and arrive at a place of congruence and alignment, then it will seem to happen naturally. I wouldn't try to force it. Also, don't expect her to reach out to you. Just because so-called "dread game" works in a lot of cases, doesn't mean it's a silver bullet that you can mechanically apply. I was in a shit relationship, and I applied the dread in two different ways. In the first case, it was just me being my charming self, and it made her realize that I was a man of value. It was just me talking to women in a social setting. It would make her jealous. In the second case, the relationship was on the rocks, and I was spending less time with her, and trying to stay on my mission, and not letting her derail things. All it caused her to do was to double down and go her own way as well, which then worked as dread on me, even though I knew it was a shit relationship and needed to end.

So, anyway, if you want to reach out to her, go ahead. BUT KEEP IT CASUAL. Be outcome independent. Don't care one way or another whether it leads to romance, and maybe it just might lead to some. Just act like you are reaching out to a friend, and if you get together, maybe nature will take its course.