You may have an anxious attachment style. (I have a mild one.) There are three general styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. The theory is that how you were treated as a child sets a precedent for how you behave in romantic relationships. Maybe you could look into attachment theory and learn to have healthier ways of attaching to people.
Clingy, needy behavior that mimics addiction is bad for your brain and relationships. Also it’s very likely that you could be attaching to people who have avoidant attachment styles somewhat magnetically.
I think that “submissive” as a bad word is the overwhelming problem I’ve had with feminism. (College student where radical feminism is at every corner). I also think feminism has little to do with celebrating femininity and that it actually does a disservice to women (and men) to devalue our incredibly powerful feminine energy.
I think if you look through the rpw “strategies” in community info you will find that submission does not mean codependency or that a woman is unequal in value to a partner (or men in general). Just different? Like yin and yang.
Applying rpw concepts to my life has actually made me feel more competent and confident in my own abilities. It’s also made me feel enriched and more valuable in life and in my relationship.
I appreciate both of your comments. An update: I did it all. I worked really hard. This sounds so pretentious, but, somewhat symbolically, I just started looking at the weeds as all of the bad attitudes and hamsters that I’ve let dig roots in my brain over the years.
Truth is, if I didn’t have my man, (who really just needed to take care of himself by going to the gym), I would still be responsible for all of the weeds. And all of the unhealthy ways I’ve learned to cope. So I did my work. Then he came home, helped me finish up and made me dinner. I am exhausted after working today too. But I think my serenity actually leveled up.
Thank you guys for the truth!
Okay, thank you! I guess I am just not seeing what he does in turn right now. I will look harder!
I see you are looking for specifics, which is difficult, because they are very different from woman to woman.
Literal things that have made me reconnect with my femininity:
I have started to listen to music that sounds feminine. (I have fallen in love with lykke li. The quality of her music is very feminine to me. “If you like the feeling of a hard rain falling. I’ll be a seafull, I can give you an ocean.” Those lyrics make me feel full and restorative.) I used to only be drawn to male voices and more masculine music. I still am because that is what I want, but not what I want to embody, if that makes sense.
I have always been into makeup. It’s one of the best parts of my day. I focus on myself, I have fun with colors (not crazy clown, more in an artistic sense) and enhancing my features. I want to look good of course! But it’s also a solo kind of self-development. I cherish that time and the results. Recently, I have been putting more effort into smelling lovely. I obviously have always worn deodorant, but I invested in delicious smelling shower products, perfume that compliments me, luxurious hand lotion that feels and smells beautiful.
I have learned that femininity is an experience. Some women practically find the feminine experience in cooking, homemaking, clothing, art, gardening, hairdressing, all forms of creative nourishment. But I think truly, it’s not the doing of these things that makes them feminine, it’s the sensual response, the experience, that is feminine and receiving. And that experience is magnetic to the masculine.
I suggest that you find a spot in yourself that is malleable or soft and look into it, what makes you feel like a woman? Even a small seed of this tenderness can grow and bloom into the experience. I’ve found it to be the most authentic version of myself.
Haha, that would’ve been a cute response! Turns out, he was very grateful without prompt.
I do like your logical framework for a relationship. I am currently working on not making any deposits when I don’t have the money, so to speak. I have a tendency to give when I am empty. Thank you for the insight.
Yeah! We don’t even have an hoa, the notices are from the (suburban) city! And without giving too much information, it has been very humid and rainy, so they do get tall quickly. I agree that it is annoying. They weren’t hurting anyone.
I would like to second this. (Or 36 this because it’s been upvoted so much.) OP, especially where you said “a feminine way to make him more receptive to your opinion,” you lost me. Rpw is not about making anyone act any way. It’s about acknowledging that being able to be receptive and cooperative with a good man, leads to a happy relationship for both parties.
Good things about this post and comment: I had a strain of this red pill knowledge before I was even aware of women organizing around it. I had felt in the past that crying around men at all is manipulative, especially when arguing. But I was also wrong. It’s not manipulative if it’s authentic. Instead of putting on a stern face in front of my emotions now, I try to experience them authentically and responsibly, because I am with a man whom I respect and trust with my vulnerability (like OC said).
I do not think my boyfriend would hear my heart at all if he thought I was using crying as a weapon or a way to make him listen to me. And I would never want to “make” him listen to me. He listens to me because he is a good contender and I believe he genuinely is open to my opinions, as I am to his. And sometimes...dun dun dun... I’m wrong. He shows me this gently. And we learn.
So your idea is kind of true, men do soften for the emotions of women they love, but respectfully, the heart of the idea is not in the right place. We ain’t tryna hurt good men, we tryna show them respect, you know?
I appreciate your insight. Again, I should’ve clarified that I don’t usually debate with him politically or otherwise. Sometimes we debate about ufc fights. But that’s when he actively asks me who I think will win and it’s for the love of the sport, not about being “right”.
And your last sentiment is very true, thank you.
Thank you for this summarization! I am a huge fan of JBP. Since I have listened to him, I have gleaned a lot of simple truths about my own nature and what resonates with me. Seeing through a male lens without having to rewatch many lectures is very helpful.
Especially the part about talking to a man about how he is weak: that is something I will remember for any male I know and love, be it father, SO, son, etc,.
Also the part where you say that qualities may be a double-edged sword. I have found that be true of myself as well.
When my boyfriend started a new job a couple of years ago, I went through this adjustment as well.
I think he has been encouraged when I listen to him and ask questions. And when I tell him I am proud of him. I think it’s simple like that, he doesn’t seem to be interested in much more.
On dealing with reduced availability:
There’s a book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The section that speaks about men being like rubber bands and women being like waves has been a good analogy for me to think about when I don’t get as much quality time with him. I can expound if you like.
Additionally, during this time it is especially important for you to take responsibility for your own emotions and focus on balancing them in a healthy way. You simultaneously want to see him grow while experiencing his withdraw from you in order to grow. You can have both of those feelings without making it his fault. As others have suggested, focus on things that might help you grow: friends, hobbies, your own relaxation.
This too shall pass. If your aim is to be a centered, soft landing place for him to come back to, he will be thankful for your presence during a stressful part of his life and for the loving space you have given him to become a better man.
Thank you so much! :)
So true! Maybe I phrased it weird, but my goal wasn’t to force a smile or pretend I was happy, just to gain some perspective about my bad attitude. And to unravel the resentment.
As a side-note, I have been practicing meditation for years. Recently, even though sometimes I’m not sure about religion/god, praying has helped my anxiety so much. They are kind of the same concept, they both end up showing you your thoughts objectively and you let them go if you can. For me, aiming a conversation at a potential higher power just gives me more peace. Just a personal observation of mine; I think meditation is incredibly useful too!
I love that you bolded life-giving. I’ve had the desire to become a mother for a long time and also had been a little (a lot) scared of it.
I’ve found a new meaning in maternalism as a lifestyle recently even unrelated to having a child. I’ve noticed a positive feminine nurturing abundance in me (a lot like water haha-you’re so right!). I think that it was always there but it’s such a softness, I guess I was afraid it wasn’t also strong.
Wow, if you made a podcast I would listen to it.
I had to look up the dictionary definition of dote because I always thought it was a positive thing. Didn’t know it meant being blind to someone’s flaws. Learnin lots over here.
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